My entry for the Everfree Northwest 2015 Pre-Con Writing Contest. The theme was "Making New Friends," so I decided to try my hand with how Bulk Biceps and Fluttershy got to be such good buddies by the time Rainbow Falls came about. I don't know if I'd call them the most unlikely friends, but I think it was worth exploring how they got to know each other, and maybe a make little speculation on Ponyville's team for the Equestria Games while I'm at it. Enjoy!
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Hi, I'm reviewing this as a candidate for the Community Choice Award in the Everfree Northwest competition!
Coincidentally, I also wrote about Bulk Biceps, Fluttershy, and butterflies for my own entry. I think this story is a little light on plot, but it is simple enough and the characters work. The only problem I have is that Twilight really doesn't do anything and it's not clear what her role was supposed to be. Why did RD even find her? Still, the two of them finding something to bond over is nice, even though it does seem to contradict Bulk's apparent fear of butterflies in "Flight to the Finish." But whatever, it's still a nice, simple story. :)
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First of all, thanks for taking the time to read and review my story - I really appreciate it! I haven't read any of the other entries yet, but I saw the summary for yours when I was clicking through the entry links, and I have to admit, us having the same characters and apparent premise made me a little nervous.
But I'll be happy to give you my thoughts on yours once I read it, if you like.
Not too long after submitting my story, it occurred to me that I had possibly remembered Bulk's disposition towards butterflies incorrectly, but by then it was too late to go back and change it. Thank goodness they're accepting alternate continuity stories too, right? I mean, it could have been any small, cute creature really - the whole plan's main requirement was that Bulk was actually much gentler than he seems at first. But who knows, maybe Bulk got over his fear in-between Flight to the Finish and Rainbow Falls - I'd imagine it was at least a couple of weeks between the two episodes in their time - maybe more. With all the enthusiasm he's got, maybe he's the kind of guy who tackles his fears head-on. Like, he decides he wants to win against that butterfly in a tug of war rematch, so he gets himself all psyched up and goes and sits in a big field full of them all stony-faced, then they start landing on him and he tries not to freak out at first, but suddenly he just busts out laughing because not only are they not scary, but they really tickle him too. I know it's a silly explanation, but he's a pretty silly character. I'd be outright lying if I said this explanation wasn't completely retrospective, but I don't think it's utterly impossible for him to have gotten over his fear. Heck, maybe he thought it was a moth on the other end of the rope. I like butterflies plenty, but moths freak me right the fluff out.
As for Twilight's part in this, Dash saw Bulk's affinity for the bugs, and she knew Fluttershy had a soft spot for all animals of course, so she decided to bring in a bunch of them to get the two relaxed and give them something to talk about. And having Twilight magic them up was the easiest way to get a large number of them to Bulk and Shy quickly, rather than Dash having to hunt and wrangle a bunch of them on her own. Because who else in Ponyville could come up with dozens of butterflies on short notice other than Twilight or Fluttershy herself? Hence cutting away and showing Twilight creating the last butterfly with her magic before discussing Dash's plan:
"Twilight, standing next to her, nodded as the glow from her horn faded after forming one last butterfly to join the others."
As for why Dash didn't just tell Twilight her idea to begin with, she's impatient, and that's part of it, but she's also preoccupied with coolness, remember. I figure she'd try and keep her plan secret until the last moment solely for dramatic effect.
Finally, for the "light on plot" note, I actually agree with you on that point. My writing style tends towards the verbose - largely thanks to English papers and Ray Bradbury, if I had to guess - so I was hitting the upper word limit by the time I got my basic idea fully down. I need to improve at recognizing when it's better to be concise. And I won't insist it's an excuse, but I did only find out about the contest the night before it was due, so there's that. *Insert shrug emote here.*
Anyway, thanks again for your feedback. I'm glad you liked it despite its flaws. I'll be sure to check out your story too when I get the chance, and I wish you the best of luck in the contest!
I like how you did something that explained why Dash was teamed up with bulk and Shy. Just skimming it no errors from me, but I look at it as a reader. As a writer I would work on some background detail, where was Twilight when Dash came to her? Stuff like that, it is something to remember that we don't know where a scene is taking place.
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Hm… I actually did explicitly state where they were, both at the main setting and the library:
"Fluttershy? Fluttershyyyy…" Dash continued searching for a few minutes, puzzled. They were in the middle of the town square in broad daylight, and there wasn't a market today.
Twilight stared after her friend for a second, then sighed again. Trotting over to the door, she paused and turned around. "Spike, I'm going out for a bit! Will you be alright on your own?"There was a brief pause before his voice called out from the back of the library in response. "Uh… sure thing, Twilight!"
However, looking back at it, yeah, I didn't actually bring the info up until well into those scenes, huh? I'll try to remember to establish that sort of thing earlier on, though I don't think I'm allowed to edit it during the contest. Anyway thanks for reading and the feedback!
5833666 no prob dude