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Everfree Northwest Readers and Writers305 stories ·286 members

EFNW Writing Contest Entry: Cutie Mark Manehattan

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Everfree Northwest 2015 Writing Contest entry.

Babs Seed is back in her home city of Manehattan after spending time in Ponyville with her cousin Apple Bloom and new friends, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo. Quickly reminded of why she left town in the first place, she stands up to her old bullies in order to protect two classmates, gather new recruits for the Cutie Mark Crusaders, and make some new friends in the process.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 6 )

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Distorted Flare

Distorted Flare #1 · Mar 24th, 2015 · · ·

Hey man not a bad start but I would suggest putting a space in between new paragraphs. it helps break up the page a little. But all in all I liked the story idea. Maybe flesh the charterers out a bit more. But all in all nice.

chil304

chil304 #2 · Mar 24th, 2015 · · ·

I loved the portrayal of the bullies in this, and it really feels oddly realistic to how real bullies operate. Babs acted in a believable manner and the pace was excellent for this kind of story. Sometimes the accents seemed slightly too thick but it really was only slightly and I can easily look over it when I look at the rest of the story.

Victory Dance Official

Victory Dance Official #3 · Mar 26th, 2015 · · ·

5776948 As someone who was bullied severely in middle school, I guess I've sort of gotten used to the way it looks and sounds. One of my favorite things about writing characters with accents is being able to manipulate spelling and grammar, and maybe I do go a little overboard... but that's because it's so much fun! Thank you for your critique :)

Victory Dance Official

Victory Dance Official #4 · Mar 26th, 2015 · · ·

5776944 I won't be adding to this story at all. It was an entry in a contest with a 3,000 word limit. I have no intention of ever furthering the story, although I may change my mind in the future. I simply don't have the time to do a lot of writing now. Thanks for your critique.

Piquo Pie

Piquo Pie #5 · Mar 27th, 2015 · · ·

The story was very well rounded, a little bit of formatting, like Distorted Flare, could have improved the delivery but it's not wrong. If there was anything that could have been improved it was how linear the plot was. That said, for a first story in your late teens it was very good.

Keep it up