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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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the story is nice but is clear twilight is going to be the main object of affection here, while the main character will either be unfriendly or plain antagonize rainbow dash, too many hie/twilight fics around. i will wait and see how it unfolds, is a good work, but twilight bores me to death, i will be around to see how it develops
You know, the -erm on that /one/ word doesn't actually even remotely work to stop mid word....as it is literally just putting a slight pause in saying it.
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Luna's grace that was long. I hope the next chapters aren't going to be such supermassive epics, that can be hard to read.
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See my latest blog post for my thoughts on the length of this chapter and future chapters. I'm definitely going to take steps to cut down on chapter size.
TBH, I probably could've (and should've) split this chapter up into two parts, but such is life.
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Funny thing is, I actually typed that by accident, then decided it was funny enough to keep.
6135816 Oh I know what you're saying Jimbo, but that was a lot to digest. I'll be processing all of that for a little while yet. Still the story is going well and that's not a bad thing by any means.
After reading that I've got to say that I think that you've made the right decision here Jimbo. It's kinda the same thing I'm already doing.
Sweet Zombie Jesus (my new favorite exclamation)! No wonder it took you so long to post this. The amount of dirty jokes, combined with the absolute size of this chapter, is astounding!
The only thing I can ask now is; how are you going to top it?
Twilight, Applejack and Rainbow Dash are interested in Derren. I suspect that Applejack is going to hold off until she sees how a human works.
'bout time you published this eh.
When's the clop though?
A vary good chapter it looks as if things are building in the story.
some how I have a feeling R D is vary interested in what and how good fingers are in bed.
I will be keeping a eye on this story.
Harts Fire
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Well, you'll just have to see, won't you?
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Well, even if she might be interested, he might not be. You'll just have to wait and see.
Errypony, ponypile on this lone hoomin!
>unf
>whinny
>yes!! more! asdfg fgsfds fsjal MOREE!
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Imma hold off on making any kinda romantic guess until we get a bit more one-on-one interactions with him and the Six. Though it's clear that Rainbow likes to tease (that's gonna be fun) and Twilight's interested from a scientific point of view, and perhaps a bit more if one reads a bit too much in her little slip.
Though it would be a nice surprise if he ended up with the nurse...
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As for the nurse, we'll see. I hadn't planned on it, but I suppose it's possible. Towards the end of writing this chapter, I was discussing with my prereaders the possibility of her basically being a tsundere towards Derren. A lot will depend on how the other mares who I do plan on having be a part of his herd interact with her.
Glad to see someone give David Eddings some love.
Also, if I learned how to play the piano, the first full song I'd want to learn would be To Zanarkand, the opening them to Final Fantasy X.
Good so far. I loved the Babylon 5 references.
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You sir, just received my full attention.
If this is the case, I wonder who will be his go-to mare....
I can't wait to find out.
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I love To Zanarkand. I thought about having him play that one, but a) Pusspuss already used it in Bon Bon's Acceptance, and b) I felt Awakening from Final Fantasy VI fit Derren's mood better.
And yes, David Eddings was an awesome writer. I must confess a preference for The Elenium and The Tamuli among his works. All the Eddings references in this fic so far have been from those two trilogies.
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There... may or may not be more Babylon 5 references in future chapters.
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Well, you're just going to have to wait and see...
Chapter 3 - looks at word count
Oh, so this is THAT type of story, huh?
Well, I know what I'm going to be doing over the next couple of hours. I mean, sure. Sleep is important, but I made the mistake of starting this chapter without first looking at the word count. Once I start something, I always finish it in one go. It's a character flaw, but whatever. I don't quit.
So, thank you, dear author. You've officially disrupted my sleep schedule with your awesomeness.
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I look forward to disturbing your sleep schedule more in the future.
MONTY PYTHON REFERENCE!!!!
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6137886 If he's cynical towards friendship, I wonder how long it'll be till he even considers polyamoury, let alone an interspiecies relationship. You gonna have a few timeskips?
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Well, it won't be instantaneous, if that's what you're worried about.
And there will definitely be at least one or two time skips.
6138664 Good. Slow romance is best romance. I'd feel cheated if I didn't get to see the awkward situations, merciless teasing, and accidental faux pas. Well, more accidental faux pas.
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Oh, believe me. We've got more awkward situations, merciless teasing, and accidental faux pas to come. Some of it may even come as soon as Chapter 4.
My soul is ablaze in delight, joy and happiness, this most glorious of fics have been updated!!
Well, that was fun, although I did have two small issues with this chapter.
The fist was his interactions with Rainbow Dash. While most of what is going on here fits, I really feel like he should have pressed the sexual teasing once he realized how it affected her. They are going back and forth with irregular jabs and teases for most of the chapter, but he misses a ton of easy opportunities to use a weapon that is proven to be highly effective against her which is rather disappointing. I can understand him being too flustered to up the ante when she lifts her tail at him even if he probably could have gotten an epic win out of that if he had pushed for it, but there were tons of opportunities he passed up to throw jabs at her. The most obvious recurring opportunity is making comments about her being cute and touching her head when she tries to get in his face, but there are also a number of opportunities where he could have turned comments from her and some of the others others into jabs at her.
The second is Twilight. While I can pass off most of what she does as scientific curiosity causing her to not think about the social implications of her words and actions, the tongue slip at the end makes it sound like she wants to have sex with him despite the fact that she barely knows him. I could understand that kind of jump for a pony like Cloud Kicker (not that she would be even remotely subtle about it ), but it just feels out of place for Twilight and makes it look like you are trying to force a romance that has no reason to exist which is never a good thing. I would honestly say that that comment has probably killed any realistic chance of a romance blooming there given the way it affects his perception of her and her earlier faux passes. He will be thinking of her as a sexual predator he needs to be wary of now rather than a friend or someone he trades jabs and pranks with like Rainbow which is going to make him much more wary of Twilight's intentions. That kind of caution makes it impossible to build the type of trust needed for a real relationship so I just cannot see that romance happening at this point. Amusingly, Rainbow is actually a realistic possibility for a romance here despite your obvious intentions because the friendly jabs and teasing will get them both trusting that the other will not seriously hurt them so they could easily wind up in a relationship with the right push.
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The thing about Derren and RD is that while he's certainly a bit quicker on his feet than some when it comes to that sort of thing, he's far from a "master of the art," as it were. It's not helping that he's still a bit disoriented from the whole "I suddenly woke up in a new world" thing.
Also, as much as he might be loath to admit it, RD... intimidates him a little (as does Rarity, though for different reasons ).
As for your complaint about the bit at the end with Twilight, you actually do have a point. Obviously, I was going for the cheap "Washu sperm sample" joke, and it got in the way of the story. I'm going to correct that first chance I get.
(Funny you should bring up Cloud Kicker, though. I do have plans for her to cause Derren a world of embarrassment and hilarious awkwardness. )
6140881 Ok, I definitely see what you are trying to do with him and Rainbow, but if that is what you are going for then you need to let him hit it a little more often to show that he is consistently trying and also berate himself for missed opportunities after the fact to show that he is not as successful as he would like to be.
Beyond that it is good to hear you are pulling the out of place sperm joke and I am very much looking forwards to seeing him deal with Cloud Kicker. Her particular brand of teasing will leave him and anyone with him a floundering mess which should be all kinds of hilarious, and she could also give him valuable help for dealing with Rainbow once they get to the point where he can hold an actual conversation with Cloud.
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He's going to need quite the necklace for keeping his pearls of Faux Pas on then. by now I won't be surprised if you let him try and collect every one available, more or less accidentally.
I see you dig the "magic touch of Anon" effect I'm reserving judgement for RD, for now.
Aand Dash be like: "That a challenge?"
Aside from all the fluffy goofyness, I, find your character's observations and relation to relations, quite true and identifiable. Kudos for actually giving it notice, I have seen way too many stories skipping the subject more or less, or going all sugar and rainbows about it. ::
I don't usually do this, but...
*whacks JimboTex with a rolled up newspaper*
No! Bad author! The answer to the question "What defines feminine in your culture?" is not "It looks feminine." The shape, size, length, color, spatial orientation, or even the noise it makes when you poke it are appropriately descriptive answers as long as they relate to how ponies perceive things as feminine or masculine. Anything except Twilight's aforementioned reply, really.
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If you have a better suggestion, I'd be happy to try to fit it in.
This is going to be quite the interesting take on things since you are making it more 'real' in some areas while not overdoing it drastically either.
Damn, what's really impressive is how you got through enormous amounts of exposition while not only making it interesting, but adding a lot of good humor and feels in between. Really good job there.
Do I detect a bit of shipping fuel between Dashie and our human OC? Oh who am I kidding? You weren't exactly subtle about it; she was presenting at one point, for Faust's sake!
I'm impressed that you're able to play off your main character with all the ponies equally well, but Derren's interactions with Twi and RD are by far the highlight of this chapter for me.
Can't to see what happens next!
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It's mostly teasing between Derren and RD.
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Of course, but I'm sure you know how quickly teasing can lead to other things...
*Ernest P. Worrell voice*: "Know whut I mean?"
I like this story. It is a nice story. I still find myself facepalming whenever the MC holds the idiot ball though. I mean seriously, we all instinctually know that you shouldn't touch other people/beings without express permission until you've grown an established relationship with them. Especially in a place that makes them act oddly.
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Yeah, Derren hadn't exactly had his Smarty-O's that morning.
I can say, however, that he'll be much more careful about touching a pegasus inappropriately. Whether or not fate allows him to stay true to said intentions is another matter entirely, of course.
It remind me somethng. But can't remember...something touch with middle hood and...i don't know.
6270094 Okay.
So, yall gunna continue this here story?
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I am. I'm about 10K words into chapter 3. I'm going to try to have it out this weekend.
6289149 AWESOME! can't wait to keep reading this. It's so good and very well written. Good job by the way
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Thanks!
6135816 For me it may have been long, but at least it felt like one chapter and didn't feel like two-four chapters mashed into one. And that's the main thing that determines chapter length for me; whether it feels by the end of it like I've only read one chapter.
Though with that said it still is very long, and I wouldn't complain if it was to be cut into smaller chapters.
Perhaps for the piano scene in this chapter you might link a version of the song that's actually played on the piano?
Like this one for instance:
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Okay, I changed the link. Happy?
Sensible, but, if you're a listener, Whitewater Chopped Sticks is much more satisfying. (For those not familiar with it, it's essentially "Chopsticks, as it'd probably be reimagined by a highly skilled improvisation wizard.")
you should really replace the sad piano music with this instead. its a much more fitting final fantisy song :P