Old-Fashioned Bar Hoppers

by Tired Old Man

The Night Luna and Mayor Left an Impression, Part 1

"Ah'm tellin ye Mayor, this place is great! I've been here with Celly before, and it's a real hootenanny!"

Mayor rolled her eyes. "Hootenanny? In a desert?!"

"Mesa," Celestia corrected. "And yes, it's more fun than this place looks."

"I'll believe that when I see something other than dead bushes and tumbleweeds, Princess," Mayor said as she turned away to look at said bushes and tumbleweeds flying by in the blink of an eye as the royal carriage tumbled along a roughly paved dirt road. The sunset made everything look slightly more pleasant to see, but little else beyond some distant plateaus were worth writing home about.

Mayor admired Celestia's carriage for the smooth ride, however. Despite its ornate appearance of golden frame and delicate-looking wheels, the carriage was remarkably sturdy, more than capable of taking a few hard bumps and scrapes. The inside of the carriage, lined with special red cushions that promised comfort and lack of any sense of the rough ride outside, served that exact purpose as the interior hardly shook around at all. It was a blessing in disguise, as none of the ponies inside, especially Mayor, were too fond of queasiness before even reaching their destination.

Celestia sat next to Granny inside the carriage, while Mayor sat next to Luna on the opposing side. Although Mayor could hardly believe it, Luna seemed perfectly normal and not the intimidating horror that threw her town into a panic some time ago. Even so, Luna had remained mostly quiet on the trip, content to listen to the other three as they made small talk to pass the time, with little more than quick affirmations when Celestia asked her something.

It made Mayor nervous. She expected Luna to be more talkative, from how Celestia spoke so highly of her. And when she looked at her, Luna's lips made little motions as if she wanted to speak, but held her tongue. Was she nervous too?

I might as well try and break the ice with her.

"So, uh, Luna, is it?"

Luna turned her head. "Yes, Mayor Mare?"

"I was wondering why you wanted to come along on this trip with us."

Luna tilted her head. "Are you saying I shouldn't have come?"

Mayor waved her hooves frantically. "Oh no no no! Not what I meant! I did NOT mean that!"

Luna giggled as Mayor tried to control her flustered appearance. "It's fine, Mayor. I simply wanted to come and be a part of the fun Celestia's been having with the two of you, see what it's like. You've been friends with her for a while now, right?"

Mayor cleared her throat, straightened herself and nodded. "I've known her for about sixty years. Why?"

"What was she like when you first met her?"

Mayor glanced over at Celestia, who was having her own conversation with Granny, before returning to Luna with a warm smile. "Imposing. She just about scared me out of my chair when she came to Ponyville after I was elected. Just showed up right in the office, no appointment or anything. I was sweating bullets thinking I did something wrong."

Luna giggled, but said nothing.

Mayor continued, "But when she came, she just wanted a friendly chat. Completely threw me for a loop at how informal she was, since I expected... well, formality. I thought her speech would be more flowery than a florist."

Luna snorted. "She's not big on formal affairs. Complains about day court to me all the time."

"Yeah, I learned that quickly. Once that registered, we just talked about... well, anything. Friends, town functions, family, small stuff to get to know each other.

"I didn't think I'd have much in common with a Princess, but she proved me wrong. Our biggest conversation was about liquor for hours on end." Mayor began making a few gestures with her hooves. "Wine, hard cider, ale, spirits, whiskey; you name it, we tried it. I suppose I should have known she'd had so many different kinds, some I hadn't even heard of, but she seemed genuinely impressed at how much I had tried. Then she invited to one of her bar outings with Granny that day, and before I knew it, I've gone out with her more times than I remember."

A roar of laughter snapped Mayor and Luna to the pair across from them. Celestia was doing her best to stifle her fit with a raised hoof, but Granny made no attempt to hide hers. Smiling at the scene, Mayor turned back to Luna once more.

"So what am I to expect, then? This is my first outing, so do you have any advice?" Luna inquired.

Mayor's response was blunt. "Be prepared for anything."

The carriage came to an abrupt stop, though the passengers hardly knew it until one of the guards, a brown Earth pony guard, opened the door. "We've arrived," he stated before stepping off to the side, keeping watch.

"Alright! It's party time!" Granny cheered before hopping off her seat and leaving the carriage.

Mayor huffed. "I'll keep an eye on her, make sure she doesn't throw out her hip again." A few steps later, and she was outside, leaving Luna and Celestia alone.

"Hey, Tia?" Luna asked as Celestia got up.

"Yes, Luna?"

"How exactly does one prepare for anything?"

~~~

"Yeesh, this place is emptier than I remember it," Granny commented as she glanced around the mesa.

"How can a mesa possibly be emptier?" Mayor asked as she caught up to her.

"Less cactuses." Granny pointed to a spot a few yards away, a round circle that was a few shades darker than the rest of the terrain. "Right there used to be this big ol' bulbous one about my height."

"You mean the last time you came here?" Mayor asked, examining the spot up-close. It seemed to feel warmer than the rest of the area. Maybe a touch wouldn't hu--

"OW!"

Correction: it felt searing hot.

Granny stifled a snort of laughter. "Easy, Mayor. Celly fell onto that cactus last time we came, and she was plumb mad at it. Scorched it clean to Tartarus, and the surrounding area too."

Mayor blew on her hoof a few times before setting it down. It stung a bit, but otherwise didn't hurt much. That was a good thing, especially if she had to heave Celestia's body onto the carriage.

"And it's still hot after all this time?"

"Eeyup, seems so."

"Was the ride home any better?"

Granny narrowed her eyes. "Ah spent the whole trip home pluckin pricks from her patootie."

"Ouch."

"She said that about twenty times. Just as many swears, too, 'specially for the deep ones."

Mayor raised an eyebrow. "Did she cry?"

Granny cracked a wicked smile. "Like a baby filly."

"Oh, you have GOT to tell me the whole story on that while she's present."

"Maybe once we're in the bar, Mayor. We oughta get rightly liquored up first."

Mayor nodded, and followed Granny as they headed toward the Bull's Horn Bar. The wooden sign on the entrance wore its namesake well, a giant bull horn proudly mounted with the words "Bull's" and "Horn" carved on the sides in big, blocky lettering, and painted a bright red that shined in the sunset. The rest of the exterior gave the impression the bar had seen better days; loose wooden boards, a broken window, and as Granny stepped up to the swinging doors, creaking sounds pierced Mayor's ears. Not even the Haunted House's steps on Nightmare Night groaned that loud.

As she ascended the steps and entered the bar, it quickly became apparent that the inside was leagues apart from the outside in appearance. The wood underhoof felt sturdy, polished to a shine with a deep oak finish. Tables with flagons of ale were strewn about, with merry patrons of all kinds happily drinking their fill. Granny had taken a seat in a booth at the far end of the bar, but Mayor found her attention drawn to something else.

Shelves lined with empty bottles of various liquors took up most of one wall, a collection Mayor found impressive... and slightly envious of. She recognized certain bottles on the shelves as being remarkably rare, be they for a label defect, limited quantity, and in one case, a bottle with liquor so foul and unpleasant most of it was scrapped by the manufacturer before it even hit store shelves.

"Nice collection, isn't it?" A thick, gruff voice asked from behind. Mayor turned around a saw a slightly pudgy brown minotaur, wearing a black apron tied around his waist. Polishing an old-fashioned glass with a white rag, he put on a broad, proud smile as he looked down at the inquisitive mare.

Mayor shuffled her hooves a bit before straightening herself. "Er, yes! Yes it is. It's just something that caught me off guard. I hardly expected such a vast collection in a place like this."

"Oh? You're a collector as well?" he asked, still polishing the glass.

"Indeed, and I must say, I'm impressed. That Shakey Bones bottle of brandy over there must have been a hard find. I don't even have one of those," Mayor said while gesturing to a rounded bottle, the faded label depicting a loose pile of bones.

The minotaur laughed heartily before setting down the glass on the bar behind him. "Miss, that's an understatement. I had traveled ten towns before I could even find it, and even then they made me bend over backwards and do somersaults in haggling before I could get a good trade for it."

Mayor snorted. "I'll bet you did... oh, goodness! Where are my manners?" She gestured to herself. "I'm Mayor Mare."

"Copper Spirit, and a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Miss Mare."

The doors swung open as Celestia entered, Luna following close behind. Copper's ears perked at the sound, and he turned his head.

"Well well, if it ain't Miss Cactus Cooker. How's yer flank?"

Celestia's expression soured. "Clean and prick-free, thanks for asking."

"Glad to hear that, princess." Looking behind her, he noticed Luna glancing around the bar. "And who is this?"

"That would be Luna," Celestia replied. "My sister, in case you were wondering."

Copper smirked. "Ah, so that's two new faces to meet the wall tonight."

"The wall?" Mayor inquired.

Copper gestured to an open spot on the back wall, with no booths or seating around it. Thick gray padding lined that small section, easily enough to withstand many impacts, and clearly had done so. Despite the distance, Mayor could tell there were dark imprints of dirt and on the wall of various ponies and other creatures, including a few other minotaurs. Some imprints had even stacked upon one another, making it difficult to tell just how many had struck the wall, but one impression managed to stand out among the rest, with a large, outstretched wingspan and a telltale lengthy horn visible on the padding.

"Hah, Celestia, there's an imprint on the wall that looks just like you!" Mayor laughed at her discovery. Luna, after a moment, noticed what Mayor saw and suppressed a giggle.

Celestia smirked at Mayor. "Hehe, yeah, there is. And you two will make a mark too."

"Oh, please. Like I'd willingly--wait, what?" Luna began before stopping halfway, catching her sister's words. Mayor was in a similar stunned state of reaction, half-hoping that Celestia was joking.

As they registered what Celestia just said, Copper spoke up. "Yep. That's the one rule here at Bull's Horn: newcomers must leave an impression on the Wall of Hard Knocks before they're allowed to drink here."

Copper glanced between two sets of eyes wider than saucers. It was not an unfamiliar sight to him; many held the face he saw, even Celestia, and that surprised him.

"Don't worry, you two. You won't be harmed," Celestia reassured.

Mayor pointed to Celestia's dent in the padding. "You call that unharmed?!"

"It only looks bad, Mayor. Trust me on this."

Unconvinced, Mayor turned to Copper. "Are you sure that's safe?"

"Miss Mare, if it wasn't, I wouldn't be serving drinks, but serving time. It's as safe as can be, and if you're still not convinced--" Copper gestured to Granny at the booth "--she's done it too, and lived to tell the tale.

"Now, shall we get started?" Copper asked as he walked over to a machine situated opposite the padded wall. Boasting a crude wooden frame and various gear mechanisms, it mimicked the shape of a bucking bull, with two red pads mimicking hooves aiming square at the gray pad.

As Copper turned it on, steam hissed as pistons shot the red pads out, then slowly compressed themselves into their closed position. A loud THUNK sounded as they locked into place, and after a brief inspection from Copper, the machine was ready to buck.

"Ooh, is it time for Old Iron Hooves?!"

"Ah think so. Hoo hoo boy, those girls are in for it."

"Someone save me a front-row seat. I gotta take a leak."

Murmurs of curiosity and excitement filled the bar as chairs scraped across the floor, the patrons arranging the chairs in a theatre-like setting. Granny shifted to the other side of the booth, eager to get a good view of the action. Celestia joined her at the booth, content on seeing it from a distance, unlike the raucous crowd.

"Who's first?"

Luna and Mayor exchanged glances, Mayor still uncertain as to who would go--

"We will go first," Luna proudly proclaimed.

...and so Luna went first, to the enjoyment of the inebriated audience, with more than a few mugs of cider rising in agreement. The cheers emboldened the fair Princess of the Night as she strode up to the machine with a firm, proud gait. Stopping at the designated spot, she stared down the machine that bested her sister with confidence in her eyes.

"Bring your best, you rusty hunk of--OOF!"

A deep blue blur shot through the air so fast Mayor swore she would have missed it if she blinked. All grace and dignity in Luna's form vanished as she SLAMMED into the padding on the wall. Luna's eyes rolled around in a walleyed daze for a moment before she peeled off the pad, leaving an impression slightly smaller than Celestia in a vertically-flipped mirror image. A final thud to the floor marked the end of Luna's journey, followed by the raucous cheers and laughter of the bar patrons.

Mayor's jaw threatened to drop off her face and clatter to the floor. Oh no no no no NO! I am NOT doing this! I have standards!

Luna scrambled her hooves a bit before finding her footing, still slightly dazed. Copper strode over to her, a beaming grin on his face. "Congratulations, Princess! Welcome to the Bull's Horn!" Grasping her fore hoof, he held it high for all to see, and the cheering escalated to match the accomplishment.

After a moment or so, Luna regained enough sense to speak. "Did I... win?"

Copper gestured to the pad. "Princess Luna, you've left a fine mark on the wall. That's a winning hit if I ever saw it. Now, go on and take a seat at the booth." Copper turned his head to Mayor. "There's still one more to go. Come on, Miss Mare. Take this bull by the horns!"

"I... I, uh..."

"Come on, Mayor! Ye can do this!" Granny cheered from the booth.

"Everypony, I think she needs a little motivation! Mayor! Mayor!" Celestia added.

"Mayor! Mayor!" cheered the crowd of patrons in response.

And then, among the cheering, she remembered. Mayor Mare came here with friends, to have a good time, to drink and share fun moments... and, she supposed, to weather a strong blow. Backing down was still an option.

And yet, it wasn't. Wiping her awestruck face with a hoof, she clacked her teeth, and cracked her neck as she leveled determined eyes at Copper.

"Let's do this."

Comments

[New Dawn]

Ohhhh snap! Mayor is getting pumped!

[Zaid ValRoa]

Oh, it's a good thing Luna took it so well. I don't think anyone would have liked the outcome of her anger.
zeldadungeon.net/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Moon-fall.jpg
Then again, she is yet to fall on top of a cactus.

[The_Machinist]

135 likes without a dislike, interesting...
Nevermind.

[Steel Resolve]

5806026 s2.quickmeme.com/img/35/3576fa535e064fd9b13aa619f93399d89d8c8498e91588aa0b736ad9aae6b12d.jpg

[Aurora Dimmet]

5805981

You've met with a terrible fate, haven't you?

[MythrilMoth]

That is one BIZARRE initiation ritual for a bar.

[Ri2]

Just how old IS the Mayor?

[Danthebronyman]

I wanna see Luna drink XD

[ZealousChristian24]

Thiz iz gon to be goot!

[WorldWalker128]

5806208
Maybe that IS her talent!

[remnants]

5806377 Its a minotaur bar, of course it seems crazy

[Exaxxion]

who would dislike this story?

[Tired Old Man]

5805981

"I... I shall consume. Consume... Consume everything..."
— Moon

Also the remastered game was pretty nice to play. The dancing ReDeads are still a great laugh.

5806377

Yes, this is a bit out there, but you and I both know that this isn't the most bizarre thing I've written.

Not by a long shot.

5806435

Oh, don't worry. This first part had no drinks in it, but the second part absolutely will.

When I get around to it.

[swyrl]

And yes, it's funner than this place looks.

*more fun

More drunk shenanigans. I approve!
5806456 Any date predictions for the applecalypse?

[RainCrasher]

I must go to this bar!

[Dawalkindude]

Luna wins!

[WorldWalker128]

5807161
Nah. Making exact predictions for Doomsday is a waste of time. I mean, half the time the weather people can't get day-to-day predictions correct!

[Sh4dowWalker96]

5809807
Which is reason #18 Earth needs a Weather Team of Pegasi.

[FanOfMostEverything]

Ooh, more of this setting. Lovely. And probably the only thing that's kept Celestia relaxed enough to not annihilate the entire nobility.

[Pinklestia]

That Minotaur probably doesn't have any bottle of Luna's Moonshine yet.

[Seether00]

How about a cognac?

[WorldWalker128]

5810622
I could compile a list of reasons why Ponies should NOT come to Earth, but here's a reason Pegasai would be a bad idea. Three words: Jet Engine. Derpy

I like Derpy, and it's bad enough when a duck gets sucked into a jet engine.
Now I'm off to blog a list as to 'why Ponies coming to Earth would be a bad thing (lol)'.

[Lord Midnight]

5814170 I laughed my ass off, then cringed in horror. Then I picked Derpy flying away from the wreckage going "I just don't know what went WOAH" and being sucked into anouther one and laughed until I had tears in my eyes. I should make that a oneshot

[WorldWalker128]

5828441
You should. And send me a link when it's finished.

[Bad_Seed_72]

Oh boy, here we go!

Awesome side-story so far!

[Autumnfire]

this is great...also celestia strikes me as one of those people who you really don't want drunk...

[GamerGoddessDin]

I wonder if any of them have tried Poko yet...

[PoisonJoker09]

Impression... heh...

I don't get it.

[HB_DS2013]

Welcome to the Salty Spitoon. How may I help you?

[Oubliette]

5806484 the guy who did it just so that it had a single dislike even though he likes the story for the sake of fairness/lols, or the insane "Celestia is perfection incarnate" fanboy/girl. Take your pick.

[Boulder]

"Well well, if it ain't Miss Cactus Cooker. How's yer flank?"
Celestia's expression soured. "Clean and prick-free, thanks for asking."

Why do I suddenly feel like asking NASA for heat shielding for a condom before I try chatting up Tia?

When I read the title, I was thinking of something a little more calamitous.