The Shadow King's Rose

by A Belle-ish Snow White

Roseheart, Meet Sombra

"Where could she be, Flutters?" Rainbow Dash asked. "We gotta get her to Canterlot soon!"

Fluttershy squealed nervously as she looked around. She hadn't seen her cousin in a while, and she was worried that she wouldn't be able to recognize her.

"Maybe we should ask around for her?" Applejack asked. She and the other ponies without wings were able to stay on the clouds because of the spell Rarity and Twilight had cast on them all. Fluttershy nodded and quickly ran around to look for her relative.

"Excuse me, do you know where a pony named Roseheart is?" Twilight asked a nearby pegasus. The mare shook her head. The others all got similar answers. Fluttershy was beginning to worry that Roseheart had left Cloudsdale to go live somewhere else.

As she flew to the left, she crashed into somepony. "Oh! I'm so sorry!" she apologized quickly. Then, she gasped happily when she saw who she'd bumped into. "Roseheart?!"

The mare in question had a midnight blue-and-red slightly curly mane and tail, purple eyes in the same shape as Fluttershy's, and a silver-white coat. Her cutie mark was a heart-shaped rose. She groaned slightly as she rubbed her head. She looked at the pale yellow pony and gasped. "Fluttershy? How have you been?" she threw her hooves around her cousin.

The other ran over to them. They looked at the 2 mares as they talked. They figured that this must have been Fluttershy's cousin, since she never talked this much to anypony. Ever.

Fluttershy felt her friends staring at her and turned around. "Oh! Roseheart, these are my friends."

Roseheart waved at them. "Nice to meet you." she said softly.

Pinkie Pie jumped over to Roseheart and started examining her. "Hmm.... Okay! She could do it! She's got that look!" Pinkie smiled. Everypony else just stared at her for a moment.

Twilight shook her head a little, then turned to Roseheart. "Roseheart, we need your help. We were sent by the princesses to find a pony who was patient and understanding for a... special mission. Fluttershy suggested you."

Roseheart looked over at her cousin, then back at Twilight. "Well, what's the mission?"

"We need you to... teach King Sombra how to be kind and to care for others." Twilight searched the mare's face for any signs of rejection of this mission, and only found curiosity.

"Who's King Sombra?" She asked innocently. Everypony looked around at each other.

"You really don't know?" Fluttershy asked. Roseheart shook her head.

Twilight stepped forward. "Well, the gist of it is, Sombra was bad. He probably still is bad, but the princesses think that this can be changed."

Applejack looked at Roseheart. "So, will ya do it?"

Roseheart looked down at her hooves for a moment. She was really about to agree to teach a king how to be good... She looked back up and smiled at the Mane 6. "Okay. I'll do it."

Rarity sighed. "Oh, thank goodness! And, not a moment too late. Now, when we get back to Ponyville, we'll need to get you dressed to go to Canterlot."

"Canterlot?! We're going to Canterlot?!" Roseheart looked a bit nervous. She'd never been to such a place of high society before. She had never even spoken to anyone from Canterlot before.

"Yeah. That's where Sombra is. And, the princesses. Don't worry about meeting them, they're nice." Twilight said as they walked over to a hot air balloon that would take them all back to Ponyville. Roseheart nearly fainted. She was going to meet the princesses?!

Back at Ponyville, Roseheart was scowling as Rarity put her hair in a tight bun on top of her head. She also put Rose into a long gown with roses and hearts sewn onto the hem of it. The collar of the dress had a moon on it, to match her name: Roseheart Moon.

"Um... This is a very nice dress, Rarity, but..." She quickly slipped out of it, causing the bun to fall out and release her hair back to normal. "It's not me! I'd much rather go to the princesses as I am."

"Oh, all right! But, I'll get to dress you up one day." She said, making Roseheart smile. After that, the ponies made their way to Canterlot. Twilight had sent a letter to Princess Celestia, saying that they had found a mare to teach Sombra to care for others.

Princess Celestia and Luna went to check on Sombra. They looked through the bars of the door and saw that the ex-king was still sleeping, blissfully unaware of the mares watching him. That is, until he heard a sharp voice call for him. "Sombra. Wake up. You're going to have a visitor today."

Sombra groggily turned toward the princesses and groaned angrily. "Haven't you any manners? It's quite rude to wake somepony so late in the morning. But then, one should let another sleep until they wake themselves."

Luna scowled at him slightly. "Do not get smart, Sombra. We are having somepony come here to teach you how to care for others."

"Ha!" Sombra mocked. "Have a good time with that! I care for no one but my own self."

Celestia kept a blank face as she said, "There was a time when you cared for others, Sombra. There was a time when your heart was open and loving."

"Ponies change." He answered sternly. "They learn from their foolish mistakes, and they never make them again." He turned toward the window, away from the royal mares, even if he had to squint and cover his eyes with his forearm.

"Be this way, if you please." Luna said, though Sombra didn't turn to her. "But, you must still meet with this mare and at least try to be rehabilitated."

"And, if I refuse?" Sombra inquired angrily. The sun was blazing right on him, it seemed.

"You will not like the consequences. Stoning is the most likely remedy for keeping the Crystal Empire safe." Celestia said. Sombra finally turned to face them, only to see that they had already left.

He slammed his hoof down onto the ground, crushing a few strands of hay. 'This is outrageous! How am I supposed to learn caring and kindness?! My heart is black as night and cold as stone!' Sombra then remembered what the princesses had told him. A mare would be teaching him. He would be taught by a MARE.

To Sombra, this was an even greater insult. He would have to do as a woman told him?! Impossible! Surely, it was too late to say anything about it now. He would simply turn the mare away once she came to him and tell her that he requested a stallion to teach him... if he even allowed that.

"Right this way." a voice said from a distance. It sounded like Twilight. Sombra turned back toward the high window and stood in the shadow by it to conceal himself. He heard two sets of hoof-clops getting louder, closer.

Twilight stood in front of Sombra's cell and looked around for him. she was about to go and get one of the guards when she saw his red pupils watching them. She turned to Roseheart. "Sombra's in there. He's just hiding. Let the guard at the end of the hall know when you're ready to take him to the center, okay."

"Alright." Roseheart said, nodding, as Twilight left. She turned back toward the cell to see that Sombra had moved to be right in front of her. She jumped back a bit, then stood straight as she could, trying to look brave.

"You are the mare chosen to teach me kindness and caring?" He laughed at her, throwing his head back a bit. "The princesses mock me."

Roseheart lifted her head a little and said, "It's no joking matter, King Sombra."

Sombra stopped laughing and looked at her. No one considered him a king anymore. He looked into Roseheart's eyes, trying to figure out why she had called him 'king.' Roseheart fought back a blush, but it was a losing battle. Sombra had stepped into the light, allowing the purple-eyed mare to see what his body looked like. She had never seen a more handsome stallion.

Sombra looked the silver pegasus over. He glanced at her dark blue mane with red accents and found himself wondering what it felt like, wanting to touch it. He looked at her eyes and flushed face, and felt his face get a bit warm, as well.

"Y-your majesty. If you are ready to start, we can begin with your rehabilitation." Rose said, trying to stay focused on her task. She was there to teach this stallion how to be a caring and kind soul, not to blush at him, like some school pony!

Sombra merely nodded and took a step away from her. As she went to get the guards, Sombra put a hoof over his chest, where his heart was. What was happening to him? This mare, who was a complete stranger to him... had warmed his heart, even if just a little. He felt conflicted and confused, 2 feelings he had grown to resent.

He looked back up when he heard the cell door open. He saw the freckle-faced mare smiling at him as he made his way out of the cell. He kept his head down, as not to be tempted to look upon her face again. The less he had to look at her and feel this way, the better.

Comments

[The Guardian and Friends]

-Takes place at the end of "The Crystal Empire Part 2."-

We don't need to know that,

King Sombra wasn't destroyed. He was merely stripped of his power.

So when we saw King Sombra literally explode into tiny pieces, your mind said "he wsn't destroyed, he was striped ov his powah!!1!11"

Now, he will be rehabilitated and shown how to care for others by Fluttershy's cousin, Roseheart Moon.

Since when did Fluttershy have a cousin? It wasn't even mentioned in the show.

Oh, wait, it's just an excuse to self insert your Mary Sue OC.

What will Sombra do when he develops romantic feelings for this mare?

Of course he's gonna fall in love with this Mary Sue, because everypony loves her.

And, are his feelings returned?

Of. Fucking. Course.

[Princess of Edits]

Greetings, citizen. I bid thee good day and pray that I find thee of good health. As of late, I have taken it upon myself to review the works of authors whom I deem in need of assistance. As such, thou art chosen to be today’s recipient of my heavy-hoofed constructive criticism.

However, I would caution thee to take heed. Although I will not go out of my way to debase thee or thy fic, neither will I blunt mine opinion merely for the sake of preserving thy feelings. A good author needeth to develop thick skin, so that she may weather criticism such as the kind I shall level thy way.

Now that I have gotten that out of the way, let us be off!

Thy tale beginneth as my sister and I gaze upon a rainbow, which we both know (somehow?) to signal King Sombra’s end. However, while we cross our horns like lovestruck buffoons in a foal’s storybook romance, the rainbow changeth to gray and green. ‘Tis a bit corny, but I suppose there is nothing innately wrong with this scene.

However, the item that I take umbrage with is this:

The Mane 6, Cadence, and Shining Armor turned around when the 2 princesses arrived.

Author, if thou takest one lesson away from this review, then mayeth it be this: Thou shalt not refer to Twilight and her friends as “the Mane 6”. This is a name created by the fandom, not one that existeth in canon. Up until now, the perspective hath been (loosely) from the eyes of my sister and me. Neither of us call them “the mane six”, and as such, ‘tis inappropriate to have that name in thy narrative. The only situation that I would consider appropriate for calling them “the mane six” is in first-person narrative from the perspective of a member of the fandom.

As a side note, I would have thee know that thou wouldst do well to spell out small numbers. Such a practice alloweth the narrative to flow more freely, thus improving thy story’s immersion. This scene also lacketh proper context, so that the reader hath little to go on when the princesses arrive. The fact that thy narrative is so sparse doth little to aid.

So my sister and I tell Twilight and her friends that they must accompany us because… reasons. I suppose we wish to travel to the source of the poo-colored light. Very well.

Then, all of a sudden, thou changest the perspective completely to that of King Sombra. Dost thou realize how jarring such a transition is without a scene change? Even further, thou tellest a bit too much about Sombra’s thoughts.

King Sombra couldn't believe it. How had he been defeated so easily? And, by that little pony princess and her puny dragon?! He felt the power in him draining with every passing second. The stallion was, at the moment, in a state of unconsciousness. The blast from Princess Cadence's magic had caused him to black out from pain and exhaustion.

If he can think, then he is not unconscious. That is how consciousness worketh.

Moving on.

Indeed, a cutie mark was upon Sombra's flank. It was a black heart, which looked like it was bleeding... or, melting.

OH, MY, I WONDER IF PERHAPS ‘TIS A MOMENT OF FORESHADOWING. SURELY, THERE IS NOTHING TRAGIC IN SOMBRA'S PAST THAT LED HIM TO HIS CURRENT DASTARDLY SELF. Kindly note the sarcasm in my voice.

Princess Celestia looked over at her sister, who nodded at her. She then turned to the Mane 6. "Girls, my sister and I are going to need your help with something."

I imagine that "something" to be “drowning King Sombra while we can”.

The mares nodded

So, they all nod in unison. ‘Tis a bit off-putting, not to mention cheesy. However, thou wouldst do well to note that, although thou meanst that only Twilight and her friends nodded, the noun “mares” by definition includeth both Celestia and myself. Although I cannot speak for dear Celestia, I know that I do not go about nodding to myself like a daft fool.

Princess Celestia used a beam of magic to chain up Sombra as she and Luna teleported everyone back to Canterlot. She quickly teleported Sombra into a prison cell, heavily guarded, so he couldn't escape.

Hold thy horses (didst thou like that horse-humor?)! This passage is far too short, considering the amount of content thou hast packed into it. ‘Tis as though thou didst not wish to take the time to write it out, and thus said (in essence) “and that happened, whatever.” The pacing suffereth when thou acceleratest the narrative to gloss over sections like this.

In the throne room, Celestia and Luna had a meeting with the Mane Six. "Luna and I have decided to give Sombra a chance at redemption."

Methinks the drowning plan would be the better choice, but oh well.

The sentence, “Celestia and Luna had a meeting with the Mane Six” is another one which requireth more narration. What are their interactions with each other? Where is each pony standing? What are their expressions? How are they holding themselves? Details such as these make the characters into real beings to which the reader can relate, rather than the cardboard cutouts that they currently are.

Celestia added on, "Which is why we need you all to find somepony willing to help reform him, and show him how to care for others."

This smacketh of something mine eyes have seen before. Reforming a villain… seeking the aid of Twilight’s friends to do so… hm. Mayhaps I am mistaken.

I would like to note, however, that thy characters do not react realistically. For example, in one paragraph Twilight is ready to fight to the death in order to keep Sombra imprisoned. Then, two lines of dialogue later, she giveth up like a whipped dog. Although I will admit that I can be very convincing, ‘tis a bit too much to believe that her thoughts would change so quickly.

So my sister and I tell them to find somepony to reform Sombra, as though we could not do either task ourselves. Then we set an arbitrary time limit of two days to do so, because—again—reasons. Things happen in this story with little rhyme or reason, seemingly just in order to move the plot forward to the parts thou findest more interesting.

The Mane 6 traveled back to Ponyville…

Again, thy narrative is severely lacking. They just… travel back to Ponyville. ‘Tis an act that taketh a significant amount of time, but thou hast crammed it all into a single, seven-word sentence. Prithee, provide more description.

"Hey, what about Cherilee? She is a teacher, after all." Applejack suggested.

Hast thou considered Mr. Cake? He is a baker! Or mayhaps Big Macintosh, for he is a farmer!

Then, thou movest back to King Sombra, who lyeth in his cell, talking to himself about how annoyed he is to have been defeated. I notice that thou includest hints that Sombra mayeth not be evil, merely misunderstood.

On to the next chapter!

"Excuse me, do you know where a pony named Roseheart is?" Twilight asked a nearby pegasus. The mare shook her head. The others all got similar answers.

Dost thou not realize the inconsistency with thy pacing? Thou takest the time to write out how Twilight asketh for Roseheart’s location, but then cram the others’ actions into a single sentence. ’Tis jarring. Kindly cease doing it.

As she flew to the left, she crashed into somepony. "Oh! I'm so sorry!" she apologized quickly. Then, she gasped happily when she saw who she'd bumped into. "Roseheart?!"

OH, HOW FORTUNATE TO HAVE MET WITH SUCH COINCIDENCE!

The mare in question had a midnight blue-and-red slightly curly mane and tail, purple eyes in the same shape as Fluttershy's, and a silver-white coat. Her cutie mark was a heart-shaped rose. She groaned slightly as she rubbed her head. She looked at the pale yellow pony and gasped. "Fluttershy? How have you been?" she threw her hooves around her cousin.

By Celestia’s curly black beard, the purple prose is strong with this one. I suggest that thou lookest up what I mean by “purple prose” and strivest to reduce such instances in thy work.

They looked at the 2 mares as they talked.

Take care to keep thy pronouns properly separated. ‘Tis a bit jarring to keep track of which group of ponies each “they” referreth to.

Twilight stepped forward. "Well, the gist of it is, Sombra was bad. He probably still is bad, but the princesses think that this can be changed."

I would insert a picture of Twilight Sparkle wearing a scumbag hat, but alas, such a picture appeareth not when I search google. King Sombra—a pony so powerful that he transcended the bounds of his physical form; a pony who not once, but twice nearly conquered an entire kingdom; a pony who would not hesitate to kill in order to achieve his goals. "Well, the gist of it is, Sombra was bad."

I pray that thou realizest my complaint.

She was really about to agree to teach a king how to be good...

Of course she is—it sayeth so in the story’s long description.

"Canterlot?! We're going to Canterlot?!" Roseheart looked a bit nervous. She'd never been to such a place of high society before. She had never even spoken to anyone from Canterlot before.

Never spoken to anyone from Canterlot, save that time she spoke to Twilight Sparkle thirty seconds ago.

Back at Ponyville, Roseheart was scowling as Rarity put her hair in a tight bun on top of her head. She also put Rose into a long gown with roses and hearts sewn onto the hem of it. The collar of the dress had a moon on it, to match her name: Roseheart Moon.

And… why doth she require this? None of Rarity’s other friends weareth a dress to meet with my sister or myself, so why is Roseheart different? Methinks thou simply wanted to get her into a dress.

Anyway, back in Canterlot, Celestia and I, acting incredibly high-and-mighty, confront Sombra. ‘Tis not that we cannot do so, but that ‘tis unsporting. Our dialogue is the equivalent of, “Nyah nyah, thou canst get out! Nyah nyah!”

Twilight leadeth Roseheart in, where she and Sombra meet. She calleth him “king”, which toucheth him far more than it reasonably should. He hath gone from “I’m a strong, independent stallion who ain’t need no mare”, to basically in love with her in less than a minute. Dost thou realize how silly that is?

Having finished the two chapters thou hast published, I have come to a number of conclusions regarding what thou couldst do in order to improve thy story. The first thing is to flesh out thy narrative. ‘Tis plain that thou findest the scenes with Sombra and Roseluck far more interesting than the rest of the story, as thou hast rushed in order to get there.

The next item I suggest that thou addressest is thy characters. So far, each hath at most a single character trait, while some have none at all. If thou meanest to include these characters, then ‘tis essential that thou providest the personalities for each to have some sort of meaning. Otherwise, they are simply dead space, included “just because”.

Finally, thou needest a proofreader badly, by mine estimation. I noted many grammatical errors throughout the entire work, such as improperly capitalized words, misspelled words, and poorly formatted dialogue. While thou art at it, I also suggest that thou findest a pre-reader, who would likely aid thee in picking out sections where thou needest to expand thy narrative.

I do believe that I have exhausted my list of major problems, and so I shall take my leave. I pray that this review aideth thee in at least some small amount, and wish thee luck with thine endeavors in the future.

[peachesaqua222]

5661202

Since when did Fluttershy have a cousin? It wasn't even mentioned in the show.

She looks nothing like Fluttershy anyway. She's obviously the author's Mary Sue OC.

[The Guardian and Friends]

5661755

King Sombra isn't even a unicorn!

[A Belle-ish Snow White]

5661202 It says 'Alternate Universe' for a reason. Also, there's only 2 chapters, how would you know if Roseheart is a Mary Sue?

[The Guardian and Friends]

5661993

It says 'Alternate Universe' for a reason.

Doesn't excuse the poor quality of this fic.

Also, there's only 2 chapters, how would you know if Roseheart is a Mary Sue?

It only takes a little bit to ruin your character.

[A Belle-ish Snow White]

5662011 It's my first story on this site. I'm bound to make mistakes. Not trying to be mean here, but you didn't have to point them out the way you did. There's a polite and right way to do it.

[The Guardian and Friends]

5662020

It's my first story on this site. I'm bound to make mistakes.

Again, still doesn't excuse the poor quality.

Not trying to be mean here, but you didn't have to point them out the way you did. There's a polite and right way to do it.

I'm blunt, deal with it.

[peachesaqua222]

5661910 I don't think there's any point nitpicking anymore. Not that this is even nitpicking. These things are obvious.