• Member Since 22nd Feb, 2015
  • offline last seen Feb 24th, 2015

A Belle-ish Snow White


I consider myself a Belle-ish Snow White because I'm a shy girl who loves to read. I love animals and wish I had a library as big as Belle's. I am a hardcore Brony and I love to write stories.

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-Takes place at the end of "The Crystal Empire Part 2."- King Sombra wasn't destroyed. He was merely stripped of his power. Now, he will be rehabilitated and shown how to care for others by Fluttershy's cousin, Roseheart Moon. What will Sombra do when he develops romantic feelings for this mare? And, are his feelings returned?

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 10 )

-Takes place at the end of "The Crystal Empire Part 2."-

We don't need to know that,

King Sombra wasn't destroyed. He was merely stripped of his power.

So when we saw King Sombra literally explode into tiny pieces, your mind said "he wsn't destroyed, he was striped ov his powah!!1!11"

Now, he will be rehabilitated and shown how to care for others by Fluttershy's cousin, Roseheart Moon.

Since when did Fluttershy have a cousin? It wasn't even mentioned in the show.

Oh, wait, it's just an excuse to self insert your Mary Sue OC.

What will Sombra do when he develops romantic feelings for this mare?

Of course he's gonna fall in love with this Mary Sue, because everypony loves her.

And, are his feelings returned?

Of. Fucking. Course.

Greetings, citizen. I bid thee good day and pray that I find thee of good health. As of late, I have taken it upon myself to review the works of authors whom I deem in need of assistance. As such, thou art chosen to be today’s recipient of my heavy-hoofed constructive criticism.

However, I would caution thee to take heed. Although I will not go out of my way to debase thee or thy fic, neither will I blunt mine opinion merely for the sake of preserving thy feelings. A good author needeth to develop thick skin, so that she may weather criticism such as the kind I shall level thy way.

Now that I have gotten that out of the way, let us be off!

Thy tale beginneth as my sister and I gaze upon a rainbow, which we both know (somehow?) to signal King Sombra’s end. However, while we cross our horns like lovestruck buffoons in a foal’s storybook romance, the rainbow changeth to gray and green. ‘Tis a bit corny, but I suppose there is nothing innately wrong with this scene.

However, the item that I take umbrage with is this:

The Mane 6, Cadence, and Shining Armor turned around when the 2 princesses arrived.

Author, if thou takest one lesson away from this review, then mayeth it be this: Thou shalt not refer to Twilight and her friends as “the Mane 6”. This is a name created by the fandom, not one that existeth in canon. Up until now, the perspective hath been (loosely) from the eyes of my sister and me. Neither of us call them “the mane six”, and as such, ‘tis inappropriate to have that name in thy narrative. The only situation that I would consider appropriate for calling them “the mane six” is in first-person narrative from the perspective of a member of the fandom.

As a side note, I would have thee know that thou wouldst do well to spell out small numbers. Such a practice alloweth the narrative to flow more freely, thus improving thy story’s immersion. This scene also lacketh proper context, so that the reader hath little to go on when the princesses arrive. The fact that thy narrative is so sparse doth little to aid.

So my sister and I tell Twilight and her friends that they must accompany us because… reasons. I suppose we wish to travel to the source of the poo-colored light. Very well.

Then, all of a sudden, thou changest the perspective completely to that of King Sombra. Dost thou realize how jarring such a transition is without a scene change? Even further, thou tellest a bit too much about Sombra’s thoughts.

King Sombra couldn't believe it. How had he been defeated so easily? And, by that little pony princess and her puny dragon?! He felt the power in him draining with every passing second. The stallion was, at the moment, in a state of unconsciousness. The blast from Princess Cadence's magic had caused him to black out from pain and exhaustion.

If he can think, then he is not unconscious. That is how consciousness worketh.

Moving on.

Indeed, a cutie mark was upon Sombra's flank. It was a black heart, which looked like it was bleeding... or, melting.

OH, MY, I WONDER IF PERHAPS ‘TIS A MOMENT OF FORESHADOWING. SURELY, THERE IS NOTHING TRAGIC IN SOMBRA'S PAST THAT LED HIM TO HIS CURRENT DASTARDLY SELF. Kindly note the sarcasm in my voice.

Princess Celestia looked over at her sister, who nodded at her. She then turned to the Mane 6. "Girls, my sister and I are going to need your help with something."

I imagine that "something" to be “drowning King Sombra while we can”.

The mares nodded

So, they all nod in unison. ‘Tis a bit off-putting, not to mention cheesy. However, thou wouldst do well to note that, although thou meanst that only Twilight and her friends nodded, the noun “mares” by definition includeth both Celestia and myself. Although I cannot speak for dear Celestia, I know that I do not go about nodding to myself like a daft fool.

Princess Celestia used a beam of magic to chain up Sombra as she and Luna teleported everyone back to Canterlot. She quickly teleported Sombra into a prison cell, heavily guarded, so he couldn't escape.

Hold thy horses (didst thou like that horse-humor?)! This passage is far too short, considering the amount of content thou hast packed into it. ‘Tis as though thou didst not wish to take the time to write it out, and thus said (in essence) “and that happened, whatever.” The pacing suffereth when thou acceleratest the narrative to gloss over sections like this.

In the throne room, Celestia and Luna had a meeting with the Mane Six. "Luna and I have decided to give Sombra a chance at redemption."

Methinks the drowning plan would be the better choice, but oh well.

The sentence, “Celestia and Luna had a meeting with the Mane Six” is another one which requireth more narration. What are their interactions with each other? Where is each pony standing? What are their expressions? How are they holding themselves? Details such as these make the characters into real beings to which the reader can relate, rather than the cardboard cutouts that they currently are.

Celestia added on, "Which is why we need you all to find somepony willing to help reform him, and show him how to care for others."

This smacketh of something mine eyes have seen before. Reforming a villain… seeking the aid of Twilight’s friends to do so… hm. Mayhaps I am mistaken.

I would like to note, however, that thy characters do not react realistically. For example, in one paragraph Twilight is ready to fight to the death in order to keep Sombra imprisoned. Then, two lines of dialogue later, she giveth up like a whipped dog. Although I will admit that I can be very convincing, ‘tis a bit too much to believe that her thoughts would change so quickly.

So my sister and I tell them to find somepony to reform Sombra, as though we could not do either task ourselves. Then we set an arbitrary time limit of two days to do so, because—again—reasons. Things happen in this story with little rhyme or reason, seemingly just in order to move the plot forward to the parts thou findest more interesting.

The Mane 6 traveled back to Ponyville…

Again, thy narrative is severely lacking. They just… travel back to Ponyville. ‘Tis an act that taketh a significant amount of time, but thou hast crammed it all into a single, seven-word sentence. Prithee, provide more description.

"Hey, what about Cherilee? She is a teacher, after all." Applejack suggested.

Hast thou considered Mr. Cake? He is a baker! Or mayhaps Big Macintosh, for he is a farmer!

Then, thou movest back to King Sombra, who lyeth in his cell, talking to himself about how annoyed he is to have been defeated. I notice that thou includest hints that Sombra mayeth not be evil, merely misunderstood.

On to the next chapter!

"Excuse me, do you know where a pony named Roseheart is?" Twilight asked a nearby pegasus. The mare shook her head. The others all got similar answers.

Dost thou not realize the inconsistency with thy pacing? Thou takest the time to write out how Twilight asketh for Roseheart’s location, but then cram the others’ actions into a single sentence. ’Tis jarring. Kindly cease doing it.

As she flew to the left, she crashed into somepony. "Oh! I'm so sorry!" she apologized quickly. Then, she gasped happily when she saw who she'd bumped into. "Roseheart?!"

OH, HOW FORTUNATE TO HAVE MET WITH SUCH COINCIDENCE!

The mare in question had a midnight blue-and-red slightly curly mane and tail, purple eyes in the same shape as Fluttershy's, and a silver-white coat. Her cutie mark was a heart-shaped rose. She groaned slightly as she rubbed her head. She looked at the pale yellow pony and gasped. "Fluttershy? How have you been?" she threw her hooves around her cousin.

By Celestia’s curly black beard, the purple prose is strong with this one. I suggest that thou lookest up what I mean by “purple prose” and strivest to reduce such instances in thy work.

They looked at the 2 mares as they talked.

Take care to keep thy pronouns properly separated. ‘Tis a bit jarring to keep track of which group of ponies each “they” referreth to.

Twilight stepped forward. "Well, the gist of it is, Sombra was bad. He probably still is bad, but the princesses think that this can be changed."

I would insert a picture of Twilight Sparkle wearing a scumbag hat, but alas, such a picture appeareth not when I search google. King Sombra—a pony so powerful that he transcended the bounds of his physical form; a pony who not once, but twice nearly conquered an entire kingdom; a pony who would not hesitate to kill in order to achieve his goals. "Well, the gist of it is, Sombra was bad."

I pray that thou realizest my complaint.

She was really about to agree to teach a king how to be good...

Of course she is—it sayeth so in the story’s long description.

"Canterlot?! We're going to Canterlot?!" Roseheart looked a bit nervous. She'd never been to such a place of high society before. She had never even spoken to anyone from Canterlot before.

Never spoken to anyone from Canterlot, save that time she spoke to Twilight Sparkle thirty seconds ago.

Back at Ponyville, Roseheart was scowling as Rarity put her hair in a tight bun on top of her head. She also put Rose into a long gown with roses and hearts sewn onto the hem of it. The collar of the dress had a moon on it, to match her name: Roseheart Moon.

And… why doth she require this? None of Rarity’s other friends weareth a dress to meet with my sister or myself, so why is Roseheart different? Methinks thou simply wanted to get her into a dress.

Anyway, back in Canterlot, Celestia and I, acting incredibly high-and-mighty, confront Sombra. ‘Tis not that we cannot do so, but that ‘tis unsporting. Our dialogue is the equivalent of, “Nyah nyah, thou canst get out! Nyah nyah!”

Twilight leadeth Roseheart in, where she and Sombra meet. She calleth him “king”, which toucheth him far more than it reasonably should. He hath gone from “I’m a strong, independent stallion who ain’t need no mare”, to basically in love with her in less than a minute. Dost thou realize how silly that is?

Having finished the two chapters thou hast published, I have come to a number of conclusions regarding what thou couldst do in order to improve thy story. The first thing is to flesh out thy narrative. ‘Tis plain that thou findest the scenes with Sombra and Roseluck far more interesting than the rest of the story, as thou hast rushed in order to get there.

The next item I suggest that thou addressest is thy characters. So far, each hath at most a single character trait, while some have none at all. If thou meanest to include these characters, then ‘tis essential that thou providest the personalities for each to have some sort of meaning. Otherwise, they are simply dead space, included “just because”.

Finally, thou needest a proofreader badly, by mine estimation. I noted many grammatical errors throughout the entire work, such as improperly capitalized words, misspelled words, and poorly formatted dialogue. While thou art at it, I also suggest that thou findest a pre-reader, who would likely aid thee in picking out sections where thou needest to expand thy narrative.

I do believe that I have exhausted my list of major problems, and so I shall take my leave. I pray that this review aideth thee in at least some small amount, and wish thee luck with thine endeavors in the future.

5661202

Since when did Fluttershy have a cousin? It wasn't even mentioned in the show.

She looks nothing like Fluttershy anyway. She's obviously the author's Mary Sue OC.

5661202 It says 'Alternate Universe' for a reason. Also, there's only 2 chapters, how would you know if Roseheart is a Mary Sue?

5661993

It says 'Alternate Universe' for a reason.

Doesn't excuse the poor quality of this fic.

Also, there's only 2 chapters, how would you know if Roseheart is a Mary Sue?

It only takes a little bit to ruin your character.

5662011 It's my first story on this site. I'm bound to make mistakes. Not trying to be mean here, but you didn't have to point them out the way you did. There's a polite and right way to do it.

5662020

It's my first story on this site. I'm bound to make mistakes.

Again, still doesn't excuse the poor quality.

Not trying to be mean here, but you didn't have to point them out the way you did. There's a polite and right way to do it.

I'm blunt, deal with it.

5661910 I don't think there's any point nitpicking anymore. Not that this is even nitpicking. These things are obvious.

Hey this is great so far but shone is spelled wrong it's shown I'm not a hater I liked the fanfic because I liked it

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