Deads one shots

by Dead Nation

1. Twilight Sparkle's underground chambers

Twilight looked about nervously. The cool night air smelled frsh after the light rain shower earlier that evening. Quietly she closed the library door and trotted off into thpe night. She had endured alot of late, fighting off so many diffrent threats to her home. She had also endured times of evil burdens in her mind. She wasn't evil by nature, no she had been exposed to it for to long. Thought of wrong doings invaded her mind. Eventually she did the unthinkable. All of her closest friends knew what she had done. A crime that was unforgivable. She only knew of one way to prevent the word from spreading. As soon as she was out of sight from Ponyville she spread her new wings and took off. She was by no means a good flyer, but she was decent enough to get her where she was going. Many years back , Twilight Sparkle had found a cave near the summit of a mountain near the small town. Curious, she entered it. What she found was a demon trapped by magically sealed iron bars. A demon that, in return for souls, would grant any wish. She never mentioned it to anypony, saving her one wish for something critical.

With a heavy 'thud' Twilight landed at the mouth of the cave. She stared inside the empty cave beginning to question this decision. She continued on anyway. The entrance to the cave was worn and old, but the deeper in she went the more untouched the cave walls seemed, mostly because she was the only only pony to step hoof in this cave before. The cave echoed every little sound made, including Twilights steps. The constant noise of hoof steps and dripping water flooded her ears. Soon the cave became very dark and so Twilight lit her horn aglow to light the way. This cave seemed like any other cave at first, but deep within the tunnel a large room spread. The ceiling was tall, the walls wide. This room was cut off from the rest of the cave by the iron bars sealed with magic. She approched the bars, letting her light spell end because two torches on either side of the tunnel were still burning bright.

"Ah, if it isn't the little explorer. It's been many years passing since we last spoke." a voice from the other side rang out, sounding mystical almost yet still intimidating. All Twilight was able to see were two glowing green eyes staring at her, darkness cloaking the rest of it's form.

"Yes. I'm ready to deal with you." Twilights voice was unsure, but strong all the same.

"So the lamb enters the wolves den. What is it your mortal soul desires little lamb?" The demon asked with a slight chuckle.

"I need some ponies to forget things I've done, and I need a dragon to be resurrected as well." Twilight said as a cold sweat broke across her forehead.

"It shall be done, bit for a price. Your undying soul to be my own, along with the dragons soul." The demons voice slowed a bit, but its intimidation faltered not. Twilight considered this for a moment, selling her soul was one thing but selling Spikes soul to. That was something unforgivable. She sighed deeply.

"It's a deal." Twilight uttered. The demon chuckled for s moment before a blinding white light overtook Twilight, and for a moment all she heard was the demons voice.

"Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rarity shall know not of your deeds, and Spike shall feel not the cold grip of death you impacted upon him in anger. Now return home."

When next she opened her eyes she was home, in bed, in the middle of the night. A single sound broke the silence of the night, a mystic voice.

"It is done." Then silence once more.

Author's Note:

This is the rewrite, thanks to the comments I knew what was wrong and tried to fix it as best I could. I hope it's better now!

"Trixey was right!? Woah!"

Comments

[Lady Lorelei]

What?....I mean..........Just....

This whole One shot felt like a Inside joke- and well you kinda left your audience out of the punchline.

I mean Alot of Points of the story is missing- let thy list thee ways!

Why?- as in why is twilight trying to kill her friends.

What.- As in what did they find out or do to deserve being killed.

Who- as in who is in the cave.

How- as in how did twilight find the cave or how did the creature end up inprisoned i'm guessing in said cave.

I mean the Plot holes in this fic just well destory the whole story overall- you tried to set up a moral or something at the end saying we are all evil but instead you just have the readers saying -huh?

Well The spacing was again a bit better and the errors again....I'm sorry I can't even delve into those this one shot is soooo open with questions it boggles my mind and just ruined it for me.

Take this One shot back and put it in the oven-let it cook for it is not done yet.

More of an idea if anything.

Ok that out of the way I'll give my overall Review- why not?-I came all this way to read all the one shots as it was.

Plot- Well beside Fluttershys story I'd say it needs alot of work, it all comes off as rushed or just plain jumbbled most ponies will read these and sigh.

Pacing- I can see it trying to poke through the many, many errors but in the end is just a whole lot of rushed writing.

Story/Stories- Pinkies- Ehhhh, Twilights- Meeeeh, Fluttershys- could be something if treated with some TLC.

Detail to Story- Well no, this is missing just about all around again except in Fluttershys story and well I guess I can also give you a bit of Twilights- if delved a bit more into you could kinda make out the cave I guess.

Character Development- Pinkies tale- No, Twilights Tale- Could maybe have some but just ended up being way to confusing.- Fluttershys Tale- Yes.-It had some inside and showed her fear as well as facing said fear to offer aide to another-again with some TLC could be something great.

Plot- 1 out of 5

Pacing- 1 out of 5

Story- 2 out of 5

Detail- 2 out of 5

Characters- 2 out of 5.

Overall Rating- out of 10.

Judgement!!!!- Give it to the thing in the cave!!!

- Not The Thing!!!

- What in Tarnation is " The Thing? "

- You Know inside the cave, It is described very vague in my one shot....The Thing.

-Uh-Huh.......

- Trixie Guesses it might be some kind of demon!!- for it wants souls!!- Trixie Dares to say she thinks it maybe is death1!!

[Dead Nation]

Thank you for taking the time to read these! Most ponies wouldn't I'm sure. I'll be honest, I tried hard not to rush, but being in a inspirless rut I can't think out plots and story lines as well as normally, and I am very impatiant. I'm willing to go back at definatly give more attention to Twilight and Fluttershy. As for Pinkie. I've rewritten that Idea so many times it's almost become repetitive and needs to stop. Thank you for the feed back. I personaly thought very lowly of them all (low self esteem) but now I see that there is possabilities for me. I'll look into working more detailes.
As for what The Thing is... I kinda thought as him as, I really dunno. Maybe death itself.
I'll give Twilight the just of my attention for a bit.

[skysthelimit]

I honestly am really confused with this... Actually... Would you mind if I rewrote this shot, but turned it into a full story? I will give you credit for the shot that inspired it, and I won't use your exact words or anything. I have a few ideas on why she would want them dead, along with some other things in confused about.

[Dead Nation]

Go right ahead. Knock em out

[Dead Nation]

Twilights rewrite is done, lemme know what you think!

[skysthelimit]

Much better! One thing: "a lot" is two words.

[Dead Nation]

5705952
Thanks! I might rewrite Pinkies, but I'm undecided...

[Dead Nation]

5660738
I gave Twilights story some tender care and let it mature a little.
Think you might want to take another look at it?

[Lady Lorelei]

Hmmmm.

The spacing within this fic could use some work, It's all so scrunched together at times it feels hard to read.

The story feels a bit padded in a area, as if you were using filler to fill out the cracks.- this being Twilight entering the cave, Idk just seemed to drag with her there.

Slight redundancy here and there.

And a few spelling mistakes etc.

Overall though.

This rewrite was better than the original, more detail, a bit less vauge and all around a near solemn ending.

Nice job, you are improving quite a bit.

Good job!

Coupled with the score of the Fluttershy Fic I gave, I'll boost your score in the review and even change The Crying FS to let me see...

Out of 10.

Still could use some work, rewrite Pinkies into something not so bland I might up the score a bit more.

Thank you for re-sharing this with me, I'd love to be invited back again anytime.

I am a bit busy,but you did go through a rewrite etc, If you'd like I could help you do a rewrite of Pinkies story or merely offer help in anyway I can- just drop me a Pm or a message on my page and I'll see if we can discuss things.