New beginnings: Elementary

by Frisk Ramirez

Chapter: 4 Broken and Mended

Button and the rest of the Crusaders meet up at the bridge they all look down but snowdrop because well she's blind "So... Who wants to go first?" asked Scootaloo

"I will." said Button sticking his chest out they all looked at him with surprise "This colts got a death wish whispered Applebloom to Sweetie Belle

"I don't know he seems ready to do anything the world throws at him." Scootaloo hooks Button up to the harness and Button "The Brave" climbs on to the ledge and as he looks down he has second thoughts about it "What happens if the cord snaps"

"The safety cord will catch you!" said Dinky just then Scootaloo pushes Button of the ledge. "AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! The eyes of hell look at me!!!" Dinky then pushes Scootaloo "What the heck Scoots! you just strait up pushed Button off the ledge with no warning!"

"I thought he was ready." she shrugs and audible boing is heard "Never mind! the Eyes of Hell have returned to Hades..."

"That doesn't mean push him off the cliff." After 30 minuets of him going up and down he finally stopped and the pulled him back up he looked green "I don't feel so good...HMM!" he runs over to the edge and throws up Sweetie Belle goes over to comfort him "Are you okay?'

"Obviously! if I'm throwing up HMM!" he throws up some more before sitting down next to his bag and pulling out his Ipony and text his mom might be late home and I may bring some friends over. he then looks up and sees Scootaloo and Rumble jump off the ledge holding hooves I wish I was in a relationship like that. he then ask everyone if they wanted to go to his house Applebloom Said she had important "Business" with Pipsqueak and Snowdrop had to go home to her mom because she had a project she had to finish. So when Scoots and Rumble were finished they headed to Button's house for games and fun though Sweetie Belle was a bit nervous because she gets to see her crush's Mom and room in one day!

Author's Note:

Yeah this is a small chapter but I've been asking around about who's OC wanted to be in my next story I already have i think 3 if I remember correctly any ways if you want your OC in the next story comment below also I will only choose a limited amount of OCs so don't be disappointed if yours isn't in the story any ways send me a pic and the name thanks!

Comments

[Mr mustash]

5633708 ah ok then.

Also do you know how to reply a comment? See the button in the top right corner of the box looks like this >>

[Frisk Ramirez]

>> MR mustash Nooooo

[Sea_Swirl]

Cool! But in the other chapter it looks like a few words are missing. Really good job! I can send you a pic of my OC but it will have to wait until tomorrow, I'm on my I pod and its 8:30 so... Yeah lol! Keep up the good work!

[EquesTRON]

5633305

Okay, first off -- to reply to someone so that they get a notification of your reply, hover your mouse pointer over that person's message. You will see a little button appear in the upper-right corner of their message, with a >> symbol inside it. (Actually, the button is always there, but it's a very light grey against white when you're not hovering over it, so it can be hard to see.) Click that button. It will automatically paste >> followed by a number into the space where you type your message reply – be careful not to alter or delete that! That is a link back to the post you're replying to; when you post your comment, the system will automatically notify them that you replied to them, and convert it to >>Person'sName instead of the number.

Typing >> followed by their name will not work. You must use the button in the corner of the message you're replying to.

Anyway:

I'm 15

Which would make you a high-school freshman or sophomore (9th or 10th grade), then.

and not really I know Spanish

Okay, does that mean your native language is Spanish, and English is a second language to you? Or does that mean your native language is English, but you also know some Spanish?

If English is your native language, then for someone in high school, I'm afraid your grammar and spelling really needs a lot of work. (Well, it needs a lot of work, period, but the errors would be somewhat more forgiveable for a non-English speaker.) Here are your biggest problems:

First: Run-on sentences. A run-on sentence is... well, your story description is a prime example of it. This:

Button has just arrived from Manehatten to live with is mom in his new house in Ponyville because his Dad got a new job as a Game Designer for Neightendo in Canterlot all he has from his last life is his friend Prokun and his former crush Babs Seed not expecting to make any friends in Ponyville he shuts him self off from the world until he meets Sweetiebelle and the Cutie Mark Crusaders Applebloom, Scootaloo, Rumble, Dinky Whooves, and Snowdrop and everything starts to change for the better for him as he falls in love with Sweetiebelle

is really four separate sentences, at least, and all of them are complex sentences with multiple clauses that need to be separated by commas.

Button has just arrived from Manehatten to live with is his mom in his new house in Ponyville, because his Dad got a new job as a Game Designer game designer for Neightendo in Canterlot. All he has from his last life is his friend Prokun, and his former crush Babs Seed. Not expecting to make any friends in Ponyville, he shuts him self himself off from the world, until he meets Sweetie Belle and the Cutie Mark Crusaders: Applebloom, Scootaloo, Rumble, Dinky Whooves, and Snowdrop. and Everything starts to change for the better for him as he falls in love with Sweetiebelle Sweetie Belle.

(Note also the spelling corrections. "Himself" is one word, not two; "game designer" should not be capitalized; and "Sweetie Belle" is two words. Technically, "Apple Bloom" is also supposed to be two words, but a lot of authors spell it as a single word, so it can go either way.) Having multiple sentences jammed together with no separation makes your story sound like it's being narrated by Pinkie Pie after downing a six-pack of Red Bull, and makes it hard to follow.

Every sentence must begin with a capital letter, and every sentence must end with the appropriate punctuation mark. (Period, exclamation point, question mark, etc.)

Second: When writing dialogue, the rule is "new speaker, new paragraph." Example:

"Button?" she tapped his shoulder he looks up "Yes Mom?" he take one of his ear buds out

must be written as

"Button?" She tapped his shoulder. He looks up.
"Yes Mom?" He take one of his ear buds out.

(Again, also note the added punctuation and capitalization.)
The only time it is acceptable to combine dialogue from multiple speakers in the same paragraph is if you are intentionally trying to give the impression of multiple people talking over each other all at once, such as a crowd's reaction to a sudden event, where it isn't important who actually said what. For any kind of conversation between two or more characters, whenever one character stops talking and the other starts, you must start a new paragraph.

Third: Your verb tenses are all over the map. Taking the above example again:

"Button?" She tapped his shoulder. He looks up.
"Yes Mom?" He take one of his ear buds out.

Another example:

Button knew he had to tell it to some one sooner or alter so he told Scootaloo, Applebloom, and Rumble what he feels

You cannot mix past and present tenses like this. Pick one or the other:

"Button?" She tapped his shoulder. He looked up.
"Yes Mom?" He took one of his ear buds out.

Button knows he has to tell it to some one sooner or alter later, so he tells Scootaloo, Applebloom, and Rumble what he feels.

Past tense is generally preferred, although present-tense can be made to work if you stick with it consistently. (It is possible to combine them in a single story, by having some scenes written in present tense, and some in past tense, if you're trying to show some scenes as happening "now" while other scenes are flashbacks to "before now." My story, Light the Sky on Fire, uses this narrative device – but it generally works better in a 1st-person narrative than in 3rd-person.)

(Try cuttin' back on th' coffee. Then ya won't be so "tense" all the time.)
(That joke never gets old for you, does it, Applejack.)
(Nnnope.)

Fourth:

he just played games until 2 two in the morning before he had to go to school at 8 eight.

Button wakes up at around 7 am seven A.M. and get's ready for the new school year

Don't use numbers. Write them out.

The only exception is if you're dealing with an extremely large and precise number, such as 1,771,561 or 1.618033988749 – but that's more likely something you'd find in non-fiction writing, such as a textbook. And even then, if the number is being spoken as dialogue –
"Sir, the possibility of successfully navigating an asteroid field is approximately three thousand seven hundred and twenty to one!"
"Never tell me the odds."
– you would still normally spell it out in full.

Fifth: When a character's dialogue is followed by an attribution that tells the reader who said the dialogue and how (also called a "dialogue tag"), both the dialogue and the tag are considered one sentence, not two, and must be written as follows:
(A) If the character's dialogue would end with a period if it were a stand-alone sentence, you must use a comma, instead of a period:
(B) The first word of the dialogue tag (the part following the closing quote mark) is never capitalized, unless it's someone's name (or the pronoun "I", which is always capital.)
(C) If the character's dialogue ends with some other mark, such as a ? or !, you use those as usual, but the tag is still part of the same sentence and the dialogue and capitalized according to (B), above.
So:

"Just like his father," Twilight laughed.

"W-what d-do you m-mean?" she sighs.

Also, it's bad form to follow one character's dialogue with another character's actions, especially if there's nothing to indicate which character is speaking. This:

"Are you Ms.Cherliee?" she looked at him and then understood everything

"Are you Love Tap's son Button Mash?" he looked at her

"Yes I am the brave warrior Sir Button Mash." she giggles

"Okay Button."

Really needs to be written like this:

"Are you Ms. Cherliee?" Button asked.

She looked at him, and then understood everything. "Are you Love Tap's son, Button Mash?"

He looked at her. "Yes, I am the brave warrior Sir Button Mash."

"Okay Button," she giggled.

These are your most serious problems, as far as grammar goes. You also need to be careful with your spelling, especially with homophones (words that sound alike but are spelled differently, like "strait" vs. "straight") and the mis-use of 's where you should only have an s. (Such as "get's" vs. "gets". "Gets" is the third-person singular present-tense form of the verb "get"; "get's" is a possessive meaning "something which belongs to the get", which is nonsense.) You also have a lot of missing words, such as "what if she likes or maybe she's just being nice", or "it will my mom off my back", and a lot of places where words are just randomly capitalized in the middle of a sentence.

If you're writing this on a phone or tablet, then my advice to you is: don't. The auto-complete and auto-correct "features" on those devices will sabotage you far more than they will help you. Sit down in front of a real PC, with a real word processor – and don't rely on the spell-checker. A spell-checker can only tell you if what you wrote is a word; it can't tell you whether it's the right word.

As far as the story itself goes: First off, the chapters are far too short. There's too little detail to engage the reader's interest, and everything is so rushed that the events have no impact and the characters' actions are not believable. You need to aim for two or three thousand words per chapter, not a few hundred.

Show, don't tell. Sentences like this:

Twilight knew Love when she was young she respected her and always tried to be as nice and smart as her she was Valedictorian in her class

are you (the author) "telling" me (the reader) things directly, and it's something that should be avoided whenever possible because it makes for dry, uninteresting reading. Show it, by the characters' actions and dialogue.

Your unfamiliarity with the source material really shows, unfortunately. Snowdrop, for example, cannot be a member of the Cutie Mark Crusaders, for two reasons: One, she lived in Cloudsdale, not Ponyville; and two, she lived over a thousand years ago, before Luna's banishment as Nightmare Moon. You also have characters acting a bit out of character – although a lot of that comes from the rushed pacing and lack of detail I mentioned above. (Diamond Tiara goes from bullying him to "I want him!" in the space of one sentence? No. Just, no.) I would suggest doing some more research into the characters, and their established histories and personalities, before just randomly throwing them together just because those are the only characters you know the names of.

Here are some examples of what you should be aiming for:
Breaking the Sound Barrier

On the Application of Time and Motion Efficiency Studies to Initial Relationship Formation

The Gift of the Mash

A Taste of the Good Life

Plural Possessive

Best of luck!

[Frisk Ramirez]

I just woke up so no writing right now but later

[Frisk Ramirez]

5635257 well i'm sorry i don't know English that well!

[Rainboom H Harmonia]

I think you may need these

link 1
link 2