• Member Since 18th May, 2012
  • offline last seen Saturday

SusieBeeca


T

Young Cheerilee is happy to have finally settled down with her family in a nice town like Ponyville, and she's not about to let her nervousness about her first day of school stop her from making new friends. Most of her classmates seem nice, but...

There's one young colt who'll barely say two words to her. And she's determined to find out why.


SPOILERS IN THE COMMENTS!

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 69 )

So cute:scootangel:

I love it! Please continue!

Comment posted by sniggles deleted Jan 17th, 2014

Cool, I know Big Mac is one of few words (my son is like that). I never thought of stuttering, good idea! Keep up the good work.

Cheerilee is a snarker?

Very, very well done and honestly I can see the foundation for CheeriMac right here, the friendship has been founded and time will tell if it goes beyond that. I can totally understand why he would be quite, I have a speech impediment myself which is partially why I don't talk often.

and then they get togeather!

My goodness, this is beautiful! It felt natural all the way through; a real story with actual substance and feeling! I can only hope that you will continue this in some way shape or form; the chemistry between them demands it!

Shrapmo DEAMANDS more CheeriMac!!!:eeyup:

This was a downright awesome read! I definitely enjoyed the Octavia insult and Vinyl being a dork haha priceless. Cute ship here.

Oh wow, that was adorable.
That was really really good. I love how well versed Cheerilee is at integrating herself into new schools (She's def a lot better at it than I am). Kinda speaks volumes about how much she's had to travel. Wow, that math book, can't decide if I want to read it, or if I should get it for my adorkable old math teacher (he has a freaking puppy calendar. And names each puppy). I really like how Cheerilee stood up for herself, she don't take no bullcrap from nopony. Wish I was as brave as her. And that Octavia joke: killed me. But definitely not as much as Vinyl being mistaken for a dude did. Nice job Cheerilee, nice job.

Her scene confronting Big Mac, was just touching. Jeez, she just won't lay off him will he, I sympathize with Big Mac, poor guy. At least it's implied that his friends know about it and know that that's a line they can't cross. What nice friends. I rather like that head canon, Big Mac having a speech disorder. It was very sweet of Cheerilee, she was so kind, so- that is what a beautiful person is. Cheerilee is a beautiful person, she has a good heart, but she has spunk, you've characterized her so wonderfully. The way she passively talked about when she had a speech disorder, I don't know that part stood out to me, it just felt so natural the way she doesn't directly say she's talking about herself but you can tell by the way she words what she's saying. And Big Mac was so adorable, kinda contrasts to how he behaves in your other fic, but hey he has his reasons. This was a very enjoyable story to read, beautifully written, and very well characterized. I wish to see more, but at the same time I wonder what more do I want to see? I certainly don't want to see what was implied what happened between them in 'The Two Step', but I digress. If you ever write something more for them, I know it will be worth reading. Happy writing!

there wouldn't happen to be adorable youn Cheerilee and Big Mac art from you that I haven't found right?

1980s Cheerilee cover art? Let me check a couple of thread responses, and I'll be right back to read this!

Edit: Perfectly captures the awkwardness of adolescence -- in both Cheerilee and Big Mac, and in their interactions, and in Vinyl's description as well. Well done. It also gave me more reasons to love Cheerilee.

Oh, and just a tiny bit more slang from the decade wouldn't hurt. :raritywink:

Additional edit: Added this to a bunch of groups, just because I could. :twilightsmile:
i.imgur.com/6MrWqNZ.png

I kind of love this to pieces for several reasons, not the least of which is Vinyl. Cheers and Mac are also downright adorable and relatable.

Most of all, though, I really like your writing style and wish to see more of it. :twilightsmile:

Now that's something I never considered. A stutter.

A darn shame the writers friendzoned 'em.

This was so freaking awesome! Cheerilee being a good person was awesome, and I like Big Mac being intelligent, not just a dumb hick

3805742
Totally needed a bit more slang here and there, fer sure.

Also maybe one of those silly wannabe types wearing a red jacket and one front shoe/sock.

Little demonstration I saw once on TV. Mel Tillis, a country singer that stutters (though he sings fine) was on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson and did like a 2 minute monologue without a single stutter or hesitation; the trick was focusing on something else, in his case he delivered the whole thing moving his finger from corner to corner of an invisible square in front of him the whole time.

So I Liked this story and I noticed something.

It's two upvotes away from a clean hundred...

...and there are zero dislikes.

Congratulations, sir. This is a fine read. I enjoyed seeing our favorite secondary characters and background ponies as teens -- Octavia as a stuck-up bitch is such a perfect fit I DONT EVEN -- and the story itself is just... it just feels natural. Conversational, even.

I'm usually bitching, even at the end of really well-written stories, about grammar issues, spelling errors, poor word choices, and shaky paragraph flow, but I didn't catch a single mistake. The entire story, front to back, smacks of an expert's fingers dancing across the keyboard. You crafted a masterpiece, you got a hundred upvotes without a single thumbs-down, and my friend, you fucking earned it.

I give this story six Big Macs out of a possible five.

:eeyup::eeyup::eeyup::eeyup::eeyup::eeyup:

3810557

Congratulations, sir.

Psst! Author is a ma'am! :twilightsheepish:

i don't upvote stories often, but I'm giving you one. It was cute, reminded me of the times when I was in school (except with a happier outcome), and CheriMac is always nice.

She'd done what she usually did for the first day of school---wake up early and spend two and a half hours styling her mane so it looked like she just rolled out of bed, much to her parents' consternation. Another half-hour in the bathroom to put on concealer and lip gloss, the only makeup her mother would allow. Then she'd listen indulgently as her father scolded her on her appearance over breakfast, only to silence him with a peck on the cheek as she waltzed out the door.

That sounds a lot like me every morning.
Nice fic. I'd like to see more.

115 upvotes and no downvotes?

very well done:moustache:

followed

3804709

I wish to see more, but at the same time I wonder what more do I want to see? I certainly don't want to see what was implied what happened between them in 'The Two Step', but I digress. If you ever write something more for them, I know it will be worth reading. Happy writing!
there wouldn't happen to be adorable youn Cheerilee and Big Mac art from you that I haven't found right?

Yeah, that part of their story is obviously much sadder and would have a lot of political ramifications (ones that would probably cause a shitstorm in the comments), so I'm probably going to avoid that. And, no, I haven't actually drawn these two, but I should, right?

3805742

Wow, thanks for all the adds! Awesome!

3810557

That's... amazing. Thank you!

3810978

Actually I'm fairly androgynous, so sir or ma'am are both fine. :scootangel:

Thank you, everyone---these comments were so kind. :heart:

3813229

:facehoof: Sorry, I'm an idiot. I can't believe I didn't realize it was you! :derpytongue2:

But either way, awesome job! :pinkiehappy:

3813247

Hahahaha, seriously, no worries! I meant it when I said sir or ma'am are both fine. And your comment was wonderful :heart:

3813229

Wow, thanks for all the adds! Awesome!

You're welcome. Good stories should be shared. :twilightsmile:
And based on the stats I'm seeing, I think I succeeded in my plan to draw some more attention to the story. :pinkiesmile:

Edit: Yes, you should definitely draw '80s Cheerilee!

This is FREAKEN ADORABLE!!!!! I ABSOLUTLY LOVE IT!!!!!!:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

I can feel for Big Mac :applecry:. I had a stutter as well, as bad as his actually. I still have slight stutter, but not as bad as it used to be.

I'm glad I read this one. Very good.

I now want to hear Cheerilee snark at someone in her class.

This brings back some memories. A+

I'll be honest, when Cheerilee confronted him about how shy he was at first, I got kinda pissed at her. But then, when he finally responded to her properly, the story flipped right over itself into heartwarming and adorable. Really surprised me, and pleasantly so, because I liked the start and got worried the mood would be killed for me.

Brava. :twilightsmile:

that was nice. :twilightsmile:
I reckon you'd have the good start to a longer story here, everyone loves a good cherri-mac and school fic. :pinkiehappy:

"Oh, I hear a lot of stuff. Last night I heard your mom fucking every stallion in this town."

Even with the dead silence in the classroom, she was sure they could hear how loud her heart was pounding.

Then someone started a slow clap.

Cheerilee hadn't thought her eyes could get any wider, but they nearly bugged out of her head when she saw where it was coming from. 'Red' was grinning broadly at her, clopping his front hooves together.

"Cheerilee," the teacher said evenly, "This is your first day, so I won't get you in trouble for that. But I do not put up with that kind of language in my classroom."

"And I don't put up with jerks anywhere," she answered.

By the time she got back to her seat, most of her classmates had joined in the applause.

Did I stumble into a Harry Potter self-insertion fanfic?

3825881

You'll have to elaborate. It's been twelve-plus years since I've read any Harry Potter, and only the first one, at that.

3826266 Oh, well, in that case.

I was with you on the story right up until the moment I quoted, which struck me as a pretty drastic departure from reality (yes, I know that this is a story about talking magic friendship horses, so reality is obviously a relative term). Cheerilee's able to win over most - maybe all? - of the cliques in moments, because she knows exactly how to appeal to all of them. She's able to send the entire classroom into thunderous applause with some petty, C-grade snark. I can accept the teacher cutting her slack on dropping the F-bomb on her first day of class, but then she backtalks her immediately, and the teacher just lets her walk. The "slow-clap-leading-to-roomwide-applause" trope is overplayed, and it smacks of cliche when used here.

In summary, too much goes Cheerilee's way, and in an overdone manner. The word "Mary-Sue" gets thrown around so often that it starts to lose meaning, but Cheerilee introducing herself to the class, in its entirety, is almost a textbook case (I say "almost" because there are no textbooks on the subject, probably because I need to write them:twilightsmile:) .

If I were to make some specific suggestions:

1. Axe the slow clap/applause. Huge cliche. Maybe make Mac's admiration for her something more subtle. Shyly glancing at her, or something. It's also out of character for Mac to do something so extroverted, if you've already established him as quiet and bookish.

2. Cheerilee's a smart girl. She could come up with something more clever than "your mom's a slut" as a comeback. Something reproachful and snarky, sure, and maybe a little profane or risque, but much more subdued. Maybe she stumbles through her introduction right up until that moment, and she wins points not by appealing to all the cliques in just the right way, but by demonstrating that she can spin a comeback with the best of them.

3. Cheerilee does not backtalk the teacher. That just makes her sound arrogant and unappealing.

4. Insulting the popular girl would probably not win her many points among most of her classmates. Some of them might cheer, or laugh, but most of the class would probably treat her with hostility. New students are threats to the status quo, and middle school students adore the status quo.

5. Cheerilee delivers all of her dialogue in the form of slam poetry. That's just something I'd enjoy seeing; you don't need to take that particular piece of advice.:pinkiehappy:

3826352

Well, damn! That's quite the crit. And I mean that in the best possible way; I honestly appreciate constructive criticisms.

I'll be the first to admit this could have used the "four eyes" approach to editing (four eyes, not including the author's, should go over it before it's finished), and I agree that the introduction scene was the weakest.

Cheerilee's able to win over most - maybe all? - of the cliques in moments, because she knows exactly how to appeal to all of them.

I guess I should have elaborated more... I wanted to convey that they gave her some props for having something in common, but not that they'd be insta-friends (nor would they come to her rescue later); she just got her hoof in the door, so to speak. I see now that that could have been handled better.

In summary, too much goes Cheerilee's way, and in an overdone manner.

Damn! I was hoping that the screw-ups she made in the cafeteria would counter-balance that, but I can see what you mean---when there'd a huge wad of too-much-going-right in one place, it can be glaring.

Onto your numbered points...
1. Aw, but that's one of the few cliches I actually like... probably because it actually happened to me around that age, hahaha :derpyderp1: You do make a good point that Mac wouldn't want to draw such attention to himself at this point in his life.

2. Maybe, maybe not. I've seen many a smart person be completely flustered/dumbfounded by the simplest insults; have you heard the term "halfway up the staircase"? It refers to the feeling you get when you think of the perfect rebuttal ten minutes too late. From what I remember of junior high, any comeback was usually better than none. That said, the way you phrased this has me liking the idea of her stumbling through her intro, just as you described... *sigh* Well, too late now, I suppose.

3. Was that actually back-talking?? :rainbowhuh: I had such a range of teachers that to this day I'm not entirely sure what back-talking is. (Some would let a lot slide; some would punish me for everything.) I'll have to take your word for it. Maybe it would have been cuter if she'd just returned to her desk after seeing Mac smile....

4. By this point, I'm starting to think I just had a very weird upbringing. :twilightoops:

5. If I knew how to write slam poetry, I might!

Anyway, thanks again for being so detailed in your reply. Since this was a one-shot, I'm not sure if it would be worth it to go back and extensively edit, but I'll keep what you said in mind (esp. avoiding cliches, even if I like them---I know not everyone will, heh!---and avoiding Mary Sueisms) going forward. :twilightsmile:

GROW UP SO YOU CAN FUCK ALREADY JESUS

3812953 shit, sorry...

i jinxed it:facehoof:...

Dan

I'll look that book up.

Might I also recommend The Loom of God by Pickover?

Also, Godel, Escher, Bach. It really should be required reading for any college admission, if not highschool graduation. Not so much for the mathematical insight, but because it teaches you HOW to think.

Also, God and Golem, Inc. and Cybernetics by Norbert Wiener, Neuromancer by William Gibson and Ghost in the Shell by Masamune.

3826556 Omigawsh, I'm relieved you took that well. I think authors who can take actual criticism on their work have some sort of special gene that sets them apart from the rest of the world. Most people react defensively when confronted with flaws in their work. Especially fanfic authors. Especially fanfic authors in fandoms like this one.

I'm glad you're not one of those people!:pinkiehappy:

3830055

Well you took the time to think of a reply and write out a long, detailed comment, which means you not only read the story, but analysed it as well. And it's helpful! I meant it when I said I appreciate constructive crits :twilightsmile:

I feel like I need more. You did a great job with this.:pinkiehappy:

I like-y this story.

I grew up in SoCal.
Because of you, Cheerilee now has a permanent 'Valley Girl' sound to her. I can't even 'like' remember what she sounds like in the show at the moment!
'Like' Ohmygod! You totally write that era's collective speech impediment sooo 'like' good and stuff.

Vinyl is nerdy and a bit butch. (seventh grade, who isn't?) That caught me off guard. So much so, I didn't make the "Scratch" connection right away. And Octavia is an alpha? I expected her to be introverted or snobbish, but not a clique queen.

The classroom scene has been critiqued, 'though I had fewer problems with it so, I'll leave that.
My major issue is why Mac's friends couldn't tell Cheerilee he stammers. It would make her pursuit of him more believable, as she can sympathize with his ailment.
Obviously you had a story to tell and wanted the surprise, but I felt that her leaving the table to chase him down was wrong or rushed. It seems to me that Cheerilee should have been trying for at least a week to get through to Mac for her to chase and corner him the way she did, but that would have added pages of build-up to this beautiful short story.
Did you feel this too but, make the choice to keep it short and sweet?

3879566

My major issue is why Mac's friends couldn't tell Cheerilee he stammers.

I should have added a few more lines in there to hint at why they didn't; basically, they didn't want to 'out' him since it's a sore spot, and didn't know Cheerilee well enough to know that she'd go after him, assuming she was just stomping off in a huff instead. Basically I derped :derpytongue2:

3879566

ETA: I forgot to mention: I had an acquaintance in high school who stuttered because of cerebral palsy. I knew him for quite awhile before I ever heard him speak, even though we had friends in common; if I asked him a direct question, he'd glance to one of his close friends, who'd then answer for him. His buddies never brought up his speech issues, presumably out of respect. *shrug* I should have elaborated in the story.

This was a very good read. I wrote a story myself with the theme of Big Mac saying nothing until the end. I find it fun to make Mac a mystery and then reveal something important about him as the story closes.

I also liked your depictions of the younger versions of a lot of characters. Not to mention you hit Junior-high spot on haha.

nicely written, have a fav :eeyup:

Excellent! A thoroughly enjoyable slice of life piece. Very nice take on both Mac and Cheerilee, not to mention some others. UVF'd you have an wonderful sense of character and the dialogue was very fluid. :yay:

And I must say I'm jealous of that 219-1 likes ratio, but this piece certainly deserves that, and better.

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