Of Lonely Hearts and Objectum Sexuality

by Electronic Pony

Rainbow Dash

Rainbow Dash glared over at the defendant’s side of the courtroom, stopping her gaze on that...that thing that used to be her fiance. He didn’t look back at her.

“All rise,” the judge’s voice was amplified across the whole room. The room did so.

“Court is now in session for the case of Rainbow Dash vs. Her Lover,” the judge adjusted his monocle and read the page again. It most certainly did say “Her Lover” as the name of the defendant. He leaned over his booth to look at the defendant, and was slightly taken aback.

“Is this the right case file?” he addressed the prosecution.

Rainbow Dash’s lawyer laughed uncomfortably, and responded, “Yes, Your Honor, it is.”

The judge cleared his throat and shuffled some papers. “Well let’s get on with this, shall we?” he joked. “Does the defense have an opening statement?”

“We do, Your Honor,” Icus, her prosecuting attorney, stated. With his title as an attorney, though, his full name was Atty. Icus. “We would like to prove to this court today that the relationship between Rainbow Dash and,” he looked at the defendant’s chair, “Her Lover was one of unrelenting passion instigated by the latter of the couple. In so proving, we will claim that all responsibility of the wrongdoings because of the relationship be attributed to Her Lover, and that Ms. Dash be compensated for her losses, and in the case of her childbearing, her gains.” At this, most male members of the courtroom could be heard to chuckle, while the female members became slightly offput.

The judge addressed the prosecution. “And, ah, what is it exactly, that she is being compensated for?” he asked.

“Custody, and child support, plain and simple.” Icus said bluntly. The judge nodded in response. “And, the defense?”

The lawyer for the defense stood up, and walked to the front of his desk. His name was Ringer, and ironically, he was one. “Your Honor,” he began, “During the course of this trial, I am going to actively disprove,” at this he looked at the prosecution, “everything my opponent will be ‘proving’. That is all I have to say,” he went back around to his seat, and sat down confidently.

The judge blinked. “Well this trial is getting stranger by the minute,” he admitted. “Before we start whatever testimony could possibly be relevant to this case, is there anything either of you would like to submit?”

“Yes, Your Honor,” the plaintiff said. “I would like to submit this brochure that contains details on the promised appearance of the defendant.”

“Er, okay then,” the judge said uncomfortably. “Anything else?”

The plaintiff spoke up again, “This dress that Ms. Dash was wearing on the night of her first romantic meeting with Her Lover.”

This seemed like slightly more normal evidence. “Okay then, is that all?”

“Yes, Your Honor,” Rainbow’s lawyer replied. The judge looked over at the defense, who made a motion implying he had nothing to submit.

“Now then, will the prosecution call in their first witness?” the judge vociferated to the room.

“With pleasure, Your Honor,” the plaintiff replied. “Will Ms. Rarity please come to the stand?”

On cue, the bailiff brought in a white unicorn mare, and escorted her to the witness stand. He held up the book of The Two Sisters. "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Celestia?"

"I do," the unicorn replied. The bailiff moved away.

Atty. Icus walked around to the front of his desk. “Will the witness please state her name and occupation?”

“Why of course darling,” she responded responded happily. “My name is Rarity, I am self-employed at the Carousel Boutique where I work as a fashion designer.”

“And how do you know the defendant?” he asked.

“Why, she’s one of my best friends. Hello, Dashie, darling!” she called. Rainbow waved embarrassingly in response.

“Have you ever given any gifts to the defendant?”

“A few, most likely, but I couldn’t name them right now.”

Icus held up the dress. “Was this one of them?”

Rarity recognized the dress. “Oh, yes, I gave that to her when she said she needed something for a,” she giggled, “special date.”

“Did she mention who this special date was?”

“Um,” Rarity thought for a moment. “No, I don’t believe so.”

“But nevertheless, she seemed very nervous, no?”

“Well, anypony would be, wouldn’t they?”

“Yes, of course. Now, has Ms. Dash ever come to you with such a request as for a dress before?”

“By my heavens, no! Rainbow Dash isn’t exactly the fashionable type, you know.”

“So it would be safe to assume she was trying to, say, impress somepony?”

Ringer stood up. “Objection. Asking for speculation on the part of the witness.”

“Sustained,” the judge replied.
I cus tried something new. “From Rainbow Dash’s emotions that night, you could tell she was trying to impress somepony, correct?”

Ringer wasn’t letting this go. “Objection. Your Honor, he’s asking the same question.”

The judge shook his head. “It was a nice try, Atty. Icus. Objection sustained.”

Atty. Icus looked defeated, but only for a second. He began to follow a different path. “Has Rainbow Dash ever worn a dress unless it was illicitly required?”

Rarity thought back through all her years of knowing Dash. “No, unless it was completely required, she would avoid it.” Then a thought came to her mind. “Although, such drastic wear is not required at the gala, to which she wore a dress to impress the Wonderbolts.”

Icus grinned. “So Ms. Dash has only before worn a dress on her own accord to impress somepony?”

“Yes, that’s correct.”

“No further questions, Your Honor.” Atty. Icus stepped down.

The judge raised an eyebrow. “Does the prosecution have any questions at this time?”

Ringer stood up and started, “Yes, Your Honor. Ms. Rarity, you have just stated that Rainbow Dash has never worn a dress unless required or to impress, correct?”

“Yes, that’s correct,” Rarity replied.

“May I remind you that you are under oath?” Ringer insisted.

“Excuse me?” Rarity said, astonished.

“Were there not any other instances where Rainbow Dash has worn a dress for neither reason?”

“No!” Rarity replied indignantly.

“What about the Royal Wedding of Princess Mi Amore Cadenza and Captian of the Royal Guard Shining Armor?”

Rarity looked taken back. "Yes? A-and, what about it?"

"Did Ms. Dash wear a dress to this particular occasion?"

"Well, yes, of course she did..."

"But it was not particularly necessary to wear anything exceptionally formal, was it? It's not hard to recall that several ponies did not wear much for the occasion."

"But we were the bridesmaids..."

"So? I've confirmed that one Ms. Applejack broke the dress for the bridesmaids not long after the ceremony began."

Rainbow Dash made a note to curse out Applejack later.

Rarity looked put out. "Yes, but you have to understand, Applejack isn't one to observe dress code often."

"Is that to say Rainbow Dash is?"

"Well, no..."

Ringer walked back and forth in front of his desk. "The question is very simple, Ms. Rarity, will Rainbow Dash wear a dress even if not illicitly required?"

"Well, not usually--"

"A simple yes or no will suffice."

"You see she's--"

"Ms. Rarity! Yes or no!"

"Yes!"

The room turned silent. Rainbow Dash looked wide-eyed at Rarity, her expression of both disappointment and betrayal.

"Yes..." Rarity breathed. She blinked a few times, and flipped her mane to the back of her head. "Now, sir, is there anything else you need, or will you let this poor lady leave your interrogation room?"

Ringer feigned regret. "Yes, that will be all."

Rarity left the stand.

The judge massaged his forehead. "Does the prosecution have any less emotional witnesses?"

Atty. Icus laughed uncomfortably. "Unemotional? No, but she is on the other side of the spectrum."

"Other side of the spectrum? I think I can handle anything after a sensitive drama que--"

"HI EVERYPONY!"

"Oh sweet Celestia take me now."

Atty. Icus loosened his tie. "The prosecution calls Ms. Pinkamena Pie to the stand."

Pinkie raced up to Icus in a second. "Hey, Mr. Lawyer! You can call me 'Pinkie'! All of my friends do!

"Yes, um, Pinkie, will you please take the stand?"

"No problemo, señor!" Pinkie saluted ironically. The bailiff approached her once she had taken her seat. "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Celestia?" he repeated to her.

"I sure do!" she vociferated.

Atty. Icus produced the brochure he had presented earlier. "Ms. P--er--Pinkie, do you know what this is?"

Pinkie peered at what Icus was holding from her seat on the stand. "As a matter of fact, I do! That's Mr. and Mrs. Cake's kitchen set brochure." Upon saying this, she noticed the defendant. "Hey, why is Mr. and Mrs. Cake's sink in the defendant's chair?"

The judge breathed a sigh of relief. "Good, I'm not going crazy!"

Rainbow Dash finally broke. "I'll tell you why he's in the defendant's chair! Because he's a thief! A thief who stole my love and my life away from me!" She collapsed into a fit of tears.

"Bailiff, please escort the witness out of the courtroom," the judge sighed, and banged his gavel on his desk. "This court is adjourned on account of the defendant being an inanimate object!"

"No!" Rainbow screamed as she was dragged from the courtroom. "No!"

Sink said nothing as he watched the madness he had created evolve around him. He dripped mischievously. All had gone according to plan.

Author's Note:

Holy bejeezus, glad I finally finished this thing. Actually I finished it a while ago, but if you've read the blog post from like a year ago then you know what's up. Kinda just felt like I needed to finish this, even though I didn't really like where it went. Oh well, hopefully you got a good laugh or two out of it. If you didn't, well then, I'm sorry. But you're the one reading titles like this. C