Downfall of Harmony (Clop)

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Comments ( 14 )

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M E

M E #1 · May 6th, 2012 · · · AppleJack ·

It's okay.

leaderofstars

leaderofstars #2 · May 6th, 2012 · · · AppleJack ·

eh pacing needs some work

LittleDerp

LittleDerp #3 · May 6th, 2012 · · · Prologue ·

Err... What? It was a good clopfic, in the sense that it has a lot of sex, but it isn't very well written to be honest.

ButtEater9

ButtEater9 #4 · May 6th, 2012 · · · Prologue ·

>>Big mac shoved his huge duck into Applejacks stallion hood

You know, I don't think aquatic birds enjoy being shoved into things. Not to mention Applejack not having a "stallionhood", considering she's a mare.

I like clopfics as much as the next person, but this was horribly written. As someone else said, you've certainly got the sex part down, but that means nothing if the story isn't written well. I'll list some things that I think you should change.

1. Make sure the chapters are in the proper order. Right now you've got the prologue coming after Applejack's chapter. That needs fixing.
2. Work on your spelling and grammar. Use a capital letter to begin any name. It should always be Applejack, Big Mac, and Discord, never applejack, Big mac, or discord. Try and cut down on run-on sentences. This will really help make the story easier to read.
3. A 36 inch dick? Come on, that's a completely unrealistic size. I know horse penises are larger than human penises, but still. Applejack's asshole should be torn, and she should be bleeding internally if she took the full length inside of her.
4. While I don't exactly like incest, I'm fine with AJ and Big Mac having sex with eachother. It's not my thing, but I'm sure others enjoy it. However, was it really necessary to include the reference to Sweet Apple Massacre? Clopfics are supposed to be about sex first and foremost, and most people don't exactly find rape and murder very erotic. It's entirely up to you whether or not you keep it, but you should ask yourself if it's really necessary.

Consider making these changes, especially 1 and 2, and I'm sure your story will be substantially better.

Distrance

Distrance #5 · May 6th, 2012 · · · AppleJack ·

i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/297/160/f66.gif
Though I should rather blame myself for turning "View Mature" on.

Winter Storm

Winter Storm #6 · May 6th, 2012 · · · AppleJack ·

Well, look on the bright side.

This story is perfect material for RatherHomely's riffing. Sadly, qualifying for this means that the story is of the same quality as "The Spiderses", "Sweet Apple Massacre", and "Luna's Magic Wand." In other words, reading it causes psychological trauma.

Winter Scoots

Winter Scoots #7 · May 6th, 2012 · · · AppleJack ·

550882 thank you for your constructive criticism i will admit i did try to fix the names but got lazy in the middle and stoped. and yes im not the best at grammer or writing in general but i will try to improve on this (at least i tried). i also do have a tendency to referance things i have read or seen like sweet apple massacre i just thought of and said okay ill just put it in and see what happens like in the next chapter a cupcakes referance might be put in. and the gender mixup i didnt catch on my proof read so thank you for catching that for me. and this is my first time using the site to post stories and stuff so i didnt really know what i was doing at the time. so thanks again

Crusadin

Crusadin #8 · May 6th, 2012 · · · AppleJack ·

lol! I should read more clopfics it's hilarious to see these characters doing unsavory things amongst each other. Especially, when the spelling is atrocious! 'shoved his duck into her, huh.' Kinky!

Raynbow