• Published 2nd Feb 2015
  • 16,305 Views, 1,159 Comments

Clueless in Equestria - David Silver



A middle aged human ends up in Equestria dropped in the middle of nowhere. He wanders into town and quickly discovers pony folk are kind folk. Maybe there's a life to be made here.

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10 - Foalman's Party

David pushed up off the bed, letting Rough slide off to the side to sit on his own. "So when's the con?"

Rough tilted his head, "Next weekend."

David blinked and threw his hands to the side, "That long? Why'd we come here that early if it wasn't about to happen?"

Rough scratched behind his head, looking perplexed, "We're not that early..."

A letter slid under the door, catching both of their attentions. Already standing, David went over and plucked it up, reading it over before offering the paper to Rough Draft, "Looks like we made an impression." He offered the paper to Rough on his way back through the room.

Rough squinted at the fine writing, "She's fast. Uh... do you want to?" The letter read:

To the Curious Biped,

I'm having a little private party and would like you to be there. Bring your little cute caretaker with you. It's tonight at eight, don't be late. Formal attire not required.

Hugs and Kisses,
Nicole Foalman

David shrugged, "That's kind of weird don't you think? I don't know much about famous people really, but inviting an alien over the first day you run into them with 'hugs and kisses' in the letter?" He waggled his fingers, "Sets something off. Can't put my finger on it, but it's just... odd. You're the expert, do ponies act that way?"

Rough Draft rubbed behind his head with a hoof, "Well, I don't know. I never had dinner with a famous pony before, or a party. I usually avoid parties with all the loud noise and dancing... I'll go if you want to."

"Well," said David, rubbing at his wild beard, "The con's not for a while, there's not much to lose, right? But first, a comb. This beard is out of control even for me, and my hair could use a brush up while I'm at it."

"Hair?" asked Rough. When David ran a hand through his thick curly hair he nodded, "Oh, your mane." He was down on the ground and trotted off, returning with a small package of various brushes and combs. "Courtesy of the hotel. You can keep it, they don't care."

David plucked up the package and looked over the wide assortment of hair care tools. "You ponies need a lot more different kinds of brushes for hair." He selected one and started combing out his thick hair, "Makes sense enough, covered in it and all. I bet you have a lot less skin care creams."

Rough shrugged and smiled up at David. With a wagging tail he confessed, "Couldn't say for sure, you're my first human friend. You didn't come here to get the same old as your old place anyway, so soak in the culture shock and enjoy it."

"Got a point there," agreed David. Once his hair was presentable enough, at least to himself, he picked out a strong comb and began working on his beard, "It said no formal attire needed, but at least brushing up seems the right thing to do. You need any brushing?"

Rough twitched an ear at David, "Uh... I don't brush that often."

"Another thing we share," said David. He picked a soft brush, unsure if it was the right one, and placed it on Rough's snout, starting to brush the fur there along its natural grain. Rough grew tense at first, but then started to relax, allowing his guest to set his pelt in order slowly.

"I feel I should point out," said Rough as he closed his eyes, "grooming is a sign of affection. Come to think of it, it's like that with most things, ponies or not. Do humans do that?"

David kept brushing over Rough's sides and backs, "Yes, but we are friends." He got to Rough's tail. Holding it in one hand, he worked the brush through with the other, making it straighter and freeing it of knots, "Practically brothers. Besides, I already told you, ponies are adorable."

Rough snorted at that, flicking his tail against the brushing hand, "I am not. I am rugged and handsome. You should respect me, not pet me like a dog."

"So you're saying," asked David as he moved a hand to a spot dogs always seemed to enjoy attention to and began softly scratching, "You don't like that?"

Rough's leg closest to the hand began to spasm as his tongue poked free a little. He struggled mightily to resist admitting it, squirming around before flopping onto his side onto the hand. David seemed to only take this as invitation to attack his belly with the brush. "Watch it!" hissed Rough, though he only stretched out, "I have sensitive parts down there."

David quietly brushed for a moment before asking, "So feel free to tell me to shut up, but, you know, have you used it?"

"Used? Oh! No... I mean..." Rough turned a deep red through his dark fur, "I haven't had a marefriend before."

"Something else we share." David set the brush down, "We're both looking better than we started. Think we need anything else before we go visit that Foalman mare?"

"Maybe some lunch," suggested Rough, sliding to the floor. With no objection heard, he led the way to some food.


Later that evening they walked down the still busy sidewalks. The address hinted to on the letter wasn't very far from the hotel and they arrived there in only a few minutes of a hike. The building was as tall as the hotel, and attempting to enter was blocked by a heavy set earth pony wearing dark shades despite the approaching night. "Who are you?"

David fished out the note Nicole had sent them and offered it. The pony nodded at it without taking enough time to have read it, or so David thought. He gestured with a hoof, "Head on in, floor twenty six." They proceeded into the building and found it to be devoid of hints to its function. The entry hallway had no directory or any signs. There was a front desk with nopony behind it, and three elevators. Soon they were riding up to the twenty sixth floor.

"So what are the odds we'll get jumped or something?" asked David.

Rough swiveled an ear towards him, "Uh, forty percent?"

"Rape?" continued David.

"Well that depends on her tastes," said Rough thoughtfully, "I suppose I'll put that at twenty percent. Rich ponies can be odd. Uh, are we talking violent or just uncomfortably pushy? Mares chase stallions when they want 'em, so slightly higher for that, lower for the other."

"Are we actually debating our odds of horror?" asked David with a half smile.

"Our odds of adventure!" exclaimed Rough Draft as the bell dinged. He stepped out of the doors as soon as it was possible, David trailing shortly behind. The elevator exited into a small corridor with a double door at the end. "Huh, guess that's why he didn't say where on the floor." He trotted up and rapped on the wooden door thrice. The door swung open under the strikes, nudging open several inches. Rough tilted his head at the door before taking a step in, "Hello! Miss Foalman? We're here."

There was no sign of the light furred mare, so the two entered fully. David nudged the door shut behind them out of habit. Soft music could be heard from the right so they ventured slowly down the hallway. The air was thick with some kind of perfume and the floors were spotlessly clean with a short-haired carpet. "In here," came her voice at last, beckoning to them from behind a closed door further in the hallway to the right. David made no move to get past Rough, letting his pony friend lead the way.

Rough looked back at David as he reached the door. While perfectly capable of mouthing a handle, there was no reason to not take advantage of one's fingered friend. David didn't catch the unspoken cue for a moment before he started in place and quickly grasped the handle, only to yank his hand back, shaking it, "It's covered in gunk."

"Gunk?" Rough leaned in. After David had touched it, whatever was covering the handle was much more visible. Some kind of jelly like substance did cover the handle. While David wiped it off on his pants, Rough stuck out his tongue and gently touched it. "Tastes fun--" Rough suddenly sank in place, knocked out instantly.

David jumped in surprise, "Jeeze. I didn't say to lick it!" He crouched down and started to slap at Rough's cheeks, "Wake up man, come on!" The door opened then, with the smiling face of Nicole Foalman coming into view.

"Ah there you are honey. Don't worry about your little babysitter. He'll be just fine in a few hours," she said in sultry tones. "We won't be doing anything that should bother him at all."

"Fuck," said David with all the grace that he could summon. "Um, look. I'm sure you're a perfectly lovely mare."

"I am," agreed Nicole, moving around Rough to get at David. David backed away from her a step which made her pout, "Don't be that way. We're just going to... talk."

"Talk, and then?" asked David, "I mean... God, I don't want to this to degrade into a bad anime."

She raised both of her brows, "Are those things from your country? Come here, you tall biped. Let momma Nicky take care of you." She grabbed one of David's warding hands in her mouth. Her teeth had a very firm grip without crushing muscles and bones, to David's surprise. Soon she was tugging him along over the still fallen form of Rough Draft into the dimly lit room. He made a feeble effort to extract his fingers only for them to brush against her wet tongue. She seemed amused at their motions and soon he was covered in her saliva in a manner that brought an undying blush to his dark skin. A backwards kick slammed the door shut behind them and she released his hand.

The room was dark. There was a bar to the left side and a few large bean bags scattered near the center. David could see a projector set up facing a blank white wall. There was film in the projector but it wasn't turned on. She pranced away from him, hips swaying, and approached that projector. "I can't wait to get an honest opinion for a change."

"Huh what?" said David, trying to figure out what was going on and failing entirely.

She pressed a button with a hoof on the side of the projector and it lit up, a movie starting. "We'll watch some movies and you'll tell me what you think, as an outsider. I want your honest opinion, no holding back." She held up a hoof, "I'll know if you're trying to suck up."

David approached her, and slowly settled on the floor near her, "So... you just want me to watch and review?"

"Yes, what did you think I wanted you for?" asked Nicole with a tilted head.

"How much trouble would I be in if I admitted I had very tawdry images in my mind?" asked David.

She paused, then punched David in the shoulder with a sudden lash of a hoof, "You are too much! Do you want some popcorn?"

It wasn't what he expected, but he could think of many worse ways to spend an evening compared to watching movies with a local celebrity while nibbling on snacks.

Author's Note:

Things get tense in an awful hurry.

I keep telling the typos that no means no! They don't listen.