Doctor Whooves and the Last of the Timelords

The Doctor embarks on a journey with an unusual companion. He meets with princesses, ponies, and even another Timelord! Will he be able to keep up his dangerous lifestyle or will he lose it all in the process?

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 11 )

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Nightmare

Nightmare #1 · May 2nd, 2012 · · ·

Excellent This Pleases Us In Many Ways

Nazkan

Nazkan #2 · May 2nd, 2012 · · ·

You. Yes, you! You are awesome. You, ShellBullet, are awesome. Take this praise, because I don't give enough of them out now days. You are a terrific writer, not brilliant but few are, and I would feel honoured to welcome you to FIMFiction. This is one of the few none terrible Doctor Whooves stories, and I thank you for writing it.

However, and don't be disappointed, because I must dissect everything, there a few problems.
The beginning is fantastic. If the whole story were written like the beginning, I would give this 5/5, or at the very least 4/5. The problem is, the ending seems rushed. It reads like you just wanted it to be finished, so it lacks the emotional depth of the rest of the story, and destroys the tone.

The next problem is characterization. You got it wrong. Don't worry, I've got it wrong, others have got it wrong, it's a basic mistake. While I understand that each person see's a character differently, and you have done a terrific job capturing the Doctor's base essence, you occasionally glitch out, and have him act completely out of character. For example, mind butting Trixie because it was easier doesn't seem like something the Doctor would do. Also, I find it hard to believe the Doctor would just roll over and let the Watcher control him. He seems more like the type who would be more hesitant about travelling with someone who just tried to kill his wife and daughter.

Also, and I'll combine these two to save room, Dues Ex Machina and Timeskips. Don't use either. You need to explain where the Watcher got the time bracelet, why there was a mind erasing pen on the floor, how Trixie's spell could stop a, from what I gather, black hole. If you don't, then the believability of the story suffers. Also, Time skips make me cringe. This isn't really a real problem, if you can pull it off convincingly. So don't worry about fixing it just for my sake.

And don't let what I've written here put you down. You are a great writer, a fantastic one. Keep up the good work, keep writing and improving, and don't let me down. You've done a great job of keeping my hopes up so far.
Grinning happily
Nazkan

shellbullet17

shellbullet17 #3 · May 2nd, 2012 · · ·

532985

Well thank you for your input sir/ma'am I will see if I can expand on a few of those ideas a bit more. But you were right I did rush the ending a bit and for that I apologize, but one thing I have to say is in the end the Watcher wasn't really controlling the Doctor. I tried to model it after the episode where the Doctor lost Rose. If he had wanted to, he could have fought back, but he knew in his heart they would never be safe so he let them go. Maybe I should try and make this more evident. Aside form that you knew whats funny? Others have read my work before and said it had some Dues Ex in it too, but I have never even played that game! The pen I gave the Watcher was supposed to be like the Doctor's sonic screwdriver and the Master's laser screwdriver, her's just happened to erase memories.

Toastylicious

Toastylicious #4 · May 5th, 2012 · · ·

3.bp.blogspot.com/-aD81s4dm8x4/T04vxjlmeCI/AAAAAAAAAhs/2bVVOXCO23A/s1600/BRUCE-LEE-APPROVES-GIF.gif
And so do I!

h8erfistenator

h8erfistenator #5 · May 6th, 2012 · · ·

neoshinka.files.wordpress.com/2008/11/tear_of_joy_e.jpg

are you planning on some sort of sequel or was this a one-timer? Great story btw!

shellbullet17

shellbullet17 #6 · May 7th, 2012 · · ·

553644
That has got to be the most amazing response anyone has ever given me.i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/087/427/Slow-Clap.gif

I am actually writing a sequel within a prequel to this. It will be the story of how Derpy met the Doctor and the Watcher's reaction to it. Stay tuned I should have it up in a week or so. If you liked this, you should check out my other work, this one is a continuation of it.

dbanksischillin