• Member Since 29th Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen Jul 15th, 2012

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Hey guys, I registered because I really wanted to start writing fanfic for MLP. I am a huge brony, and am proud to be one.


When dark magic and science combine, bad things begin happening. But none of them is more mysterious than the sudden changes in Princess Celestia. Why has she changed so much? What happened to Luna? What caused her to schedule a sudden meeting in Ponyville? All these questions surely must have an answer.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 6 )

An intriguing idea. I'll be keeping an eye on this.

One thing, however: you throw around the word 'evil' far too much.

"The liquids merged into a black, vile substance that looked like liquefied evil."

This would work better as something more like:

"The liquids merged into a black substance, a tainted gooey concoction that filled all who looked at it with disgust. The murk seemed to suck up all the light from around it."

Don't tell us we should be afraid of the black water, show us what's wrong with it. Describe how the substance reacts and looks, and leave it to the audience to determine if it's good or evil. Never tell us outright something is evil.


532725 Thanks, I'll see what I can do. :twilightsmile:

EDIT: I fixed a few things, though I didn't actually use your exact words. I played around a bit, so thank you for the suggestions. I am fairly new to writing, and I'm open for learning.


If you need help with future chapters, contact me. I'd be willing to help you be more descriptive.


532748 Thank you. I'll be sure to contact you if I need help. :pinkiehappy:

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sorry it took me so long to vread this. i hope to see more

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