• Published 19th Jan 2015
  • 21,353 Views, 431 Comments

I'd Do Her - Fire Gazer the Alchemist

You really shouldn't make sexual comments about your friends, Rainbow Dash.

  • ...


Rainbow hovered mere feet away from an immensely sweaty Applejack. She watched as her friend struggled against gravity by reaching up and wrapping a hoof around a sturdy-looking tree branch. Applejack grunted as she pulled her body up a few more inches, and Rainbow matched her height by flying up a little more. Perspiration poured out of Applejack in copious amounts, and being so close gave Rainbow a front row seat to a stench that she could only describe as overly ripened apples.

Flapping her wings, she put some distance between her and the radiating smell. “Come on, AJ, just a few more branches to go.”

Applejack ground her teeth in determination. “Why are ya rootin’ fer me? Ya realize if Ah make it ta the top, then it’ll be mah turn ta come up with a dare.”

“Yeah, I know.” Rainbow waved her hoof dismissively. Glancing down, she saw the sixty feet of tree that Applejack had already conquered. “But it’s been pretty awesome to see you make it this far. Besides, it’d really suck for you to fall.”

Unconsciously, Applejack’s eye darted down. It was only for half a second, but the sheer magnitude of her height sunk in. “Ah reckon you’re right ‘bout that.” Her next grab for a branch was shaky.

Tilting her head up, Rainbow saw the marginal distance left before the top branch. There was no denying it; Applejack was about to conquer the largest tree in all of Ponyville.

“Remind me to come up with a more challenging dare next time around,” she absent-mindedly thought out loud.

Applejack snickered. “Assumin’ that ya can even do mah dare, that is.”

Rainbow moved up some more so they could be eye level again. “I know I can handle anything you can think of.”

Reaching for the last limb, Applejack grinned and hoisted herself up. “Whoo… made it,” she panted, sitting on the branch. For her effort, Rainbow Dash clapped her hooves together.

“Nicely done. So what are you going to dare me to do?”

“Let… me catch… mah breath, Sugarcube.” Applejack breathed heavily with exertion.

Rainbow sighed. “Fine, but don’t take too long. I actually want to get a turn today, otherwise how am I supposed to prove I’m the most daring pony?”

Applejack snorted. “Ah–” There was an unmistakable snap of a tree branch, and suddenly she was falling. Her body fell into the leafy limbs below as a loud scream escaped her mouth. Rainbow swooped down and reached for her. Applejack collided with a branch and the impact sent her hurtling out of range. Cursing, Rainbow flew faster, but couldn’t reach anywhere near her top speed with all the branches in the way. The ground was racing towards the both of them, not leaving a lot of time for mistakes. Grappling with all her strength, Rainbow managed to latch onto one of Applejack’s hooves and slow down.

“Thanks, partner.” Applejack smiled, and then looked down. “That was a little too close fer comfort.”

“I’ll say.” Rainbow slowly lowered Applejack until she was safely standing on the ground. “You all right?”

“Mah back took a pretty nasty hit.” She rubbed the spot on her back that hit the branch and cringed. “That hurts somethin’ fierce.” Face still expressing pain, she looked at Rainbow. “Think maybe we could go ta the hospital?”

“That’s probably a good idea, but don’t forget you owe me a dare.” They started walking towards town.

“Ah’ll think of one on the way there,” Applejack promised.

“Good, I’m itching to do something exciting.” She saw Applejack experiencing some discomfort just from the mere act of walking. “You know, Fluttershy’s place is probably closer than the hospital. She could patch you up, or whatever.”

Applejack shook her head. “Ah don’t want ta go ta Fluttershy fer something like this. She’d just get all… apologize-y.”

Rainbow raised her eyebrow. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Knowing how close Rainbow and Fluttershy were, Applejack chose her next words carefully. “It’s just… she keeps on apologizing fer every little thing, especially when it ain’t her fault. If we went ta her, she’d probably be all ‘Oh my, I’m so sorry that you got hurt, Applejack’. It just annoys me sometimes, ya know?”

“Well… I guess. But no pony’s perfect. I mean, Pinkie’s a lot fun, but I can only handle her in small doses.”

Applejack nodded. “Same here. Ah don’t know how anypony could keep up with her.”

“And while Twilight’s a great friend, she’s way too much of an egghead. Half the time I barely even know what the heck she’s talking about.”

"Hey, Twi's a great pony. Ya shouldn't complain 'bout her just 'cause ya aren't smart enough ta keep up." The practically angry way Applejack said the words made Rainbow raise her eyebrows in shock.

"Geeze AJ, I didn't know you had a soft spot for the egghead."

Color flushed onto Applejack's cheeks. "Ah don't, I just–"

"Sure you don't." Rainbow smirked.

"Ah don't," Applejack insisted, grumbling towards the ground.

They’d crossed into town at this point, and Rainbow had to start focusing on the road as there was a sudden surge in traffic. Ponies of all colors ambled about, and she dropped their conversation in favor of not bumping into somepony.

“What about Rarity?” Applejack asked, after they’d passed the bulk of the crowd.


“Well, ya said nopony’s perfect, so Ah was wondering what yer gripe with Rarity is.”

“Besides the fact that she never shuts up about fashion?” Rainbow gave it some thought. “Well… not too much, I guess. She's uptight, but at the same time really frickin' hot. I’d totally do her.”

“What?” Applejack froze in the middle of the street. Rainbow took two steps before realizing this and back pedaled. “Come again?”

“I’d do her,” Dash reiterated.

“You mean…”

“I would nail her. Bang her. Buck her. Call it whatever you want; I would do Rarity if I had the chance.”

Applejack's expression suddenly changed from mild discomfort to shock. “Uh, Rainbow…”

“I mean, who wouldn’t? She’s got the curviest set of flanks I’ve ever seen, not to mention her–”

“Rainbow, ya should really stop.”

“I gotta say, it wouldn’t suck to hop into bed with her and shove her face between my–”

“Ah’m serious! Put a sock in it.”

“I bet I could even make her squeal.” Before Dash could continue, she heard somepony clear their throat directly behind her. Every muscle in her body tensed up in recognition, and she cringed. Applejack wore an “Ah warned ya” expression on her face, but looked just a little worried herself. Slowly, and ruefully, Rainbow Dash turned around to face a seething, red-faced unicorn. “Heeeeeey, Rares.”

“How dare you.” Rarity’s scowl could make minotaurs wilt in fear. Her voice was like a knife, cold and sharp. Surprisingly though, she wasn’t shouting, and didn’t really seem angry. Yet.

“Funny story. You see, I was talking about a completely different–”

HOW DARE YOU!” She was definitely shouting and angry now. Her knife-like voice had become a chainsaw. Rarity marched forward, and in turn Dash scrambled to back up. “You uncouth, degrading, vile, egotistical, brute!”

Rainbow held up a hoof. “In my defense–” Rarity’s hoof moved so fast even Dash didn’t have time to process it.


Dash reeled from the slap, taking a few steps backwards from the sheer force. She moved her hoof to her stinging face. “Oww…” Then the full force of the pain made it to her brain. “Oww, buck!”

“Hmmph!” Rarity whirled her body around so fast that her tail caught the other side of Rainbow’s face. As she huffily trotted off, she called back, “As if I’d ever do such things with the likes of you!”

Rainbow spat indigo hairs from her mouth, still attempting to nurse her whacked cheek. For a moment, there was silence. Then Applejack burst out laughing.

“Bwuhahahaha!” She fell to the ground, rolling on her injured back. “Haha – ow – hahaha!”

“It’s not that funny,” Rainbow muttered embarrassedly.

“You're right!” Applejack wiped a tear from her eyes and paused. “That was hilarious! Ahahahaha!”

“Shut up,” Dash growled.

As the laughter fit calmed a little, Applejack sat back up. “Ya really bucked that up, didn’tcha?” Rainbow grunted in reply. “On the bright side, Ah finally thought of a dare fer ya.”

Her eyebrow arched. “Yeah? What is it?”

Applejack smirked viciously. “Ah dare ya ta make Rarity squeal by the end of the day.”