St. Lucy is here..
Daffodil gasped at what lay before her. She had heard much about the Crystal Empire, especially from Icing Blaze, but that was nothing compared to the beautiful scenery that filled her vision.
The main street, which went from the train station all the way up to the crystal castle, had been decorated for Hearth’s Warming Eve with colourful banners, holiday wreaths and bouquets of mistletoe hanging across the streets. The whole scenery was covered in a thin layer of snow that crunched below Daffodil's hooves as she made her way further along the main street, leaving the train station behind in the distance. Outside the protecting shield, it was ice cold and a thick, heavy layer snow covered the fields, but here, it was just perfect. In the windows Daffodil passed by where three red and green lights in the shapes of a heart, a cross and an anchor hanging, a peculiar little holiday decoration only seen up here in the frozen north.
Daffodil remembered Icing Blaze telling her about the lights in one of her letters. The heart shaped one represented “love”, the cross ”believe” and the anchor “hope”. "The symbols of what make up our very being", or something along those line, Blaze called them. Noticing that it was already starting to get darker, Daffodil fell into a light trot, hurrying as she made her way to the address at which her friend was now supposedly living.
Taking a deep breath and giving the photo of a light blue filly with a brown and blue mane she was carrying one last look, she walked up the short alley to the door of the crystal house and rang the doorbell.
Inside the house, the sound of a bell was heard and the little pony from the picture threw herself down the stairs to the hallway and opened the door as the bell rang a second time.
"Daffodil! You're here!" Icing Blaze exclaimed, embracing the orange earth pony filly with a yellow mane outside her door and pulling her inside. "I'm so glad you could be here. I really want to celebrate my first St. Lucy's Day with you!"
St. Lucy's Day. The main reason why Blaze had wanted Daffodil to come visit exactly this day. 13th of December was St. Lucy's Day here, an old tradition only celebrated in the Crystal Empire. Blaze had told Daffodil that they celebrated it in the honor of the bringer of light. St. Lucy came with warmth and light when it was at its very darkest and coldest in the frozen north.
"So, do you want me to show your room?" Blaze asked, an expecting look on her face.
Daffodil looked at Blaze, giving her one of her characteristic smiles.
"Sure, why not? It's still a little while until dinner time, so we can start with looking at my room, and then you can show me around the house." She answered.
Icing Blaze nodded in agreement.
"Ok. Oh, and just so you know, it's going to be a very late night, so you may want to rest a bit after dinner." Blaze warned, the stern expression on her face only lasting for a couple of seconds before laughing. "Come, I'll show you your room."
Daffodil then followed Blaze up the stairs, wondering what was going to happen throughout the night and listening with one ear as she explained what was in the different rooms of the first floor. After they finished upstairs they continued on the second floor of the crystal house.
When the tour around the house was finished, they went to Blaze's room and continued catching up until dinner was ready. They placed themselves at the dinner table, promptly continuing their conversation where they had left of when being called down for dinner.
Daffodil never thought she had laughed as much as she did that evening. She had completely forgotten how much she had been missing Blaze during the six months that had passed since she moved. But now that Blaze's family was all settled in and everything was starting to go back to normal, they promised to come and visit each other much more often.
As the clocks struck nine, Daffodil started to wonder when they were going to celebrate this "St. Lucy's Day". She was just about to voice her question when she noticed Blaze motioning for her to come with her.
"Outside?" Daffodil asked skeptically. It was pitch black outside the window and going out there in the frigid snow didn't really feel like a good idea.
Blaze didn't share her opinion. She didn't care if Daffodil thought it was a bad idea. Her mother had given her instructions, and she was about to follow them.
"Come on Daffodil, you wanted to celebrate St. Lucy's Day, didn't you?" She complained.
Daffodil hesitated before nodding, her instincts telling her what a bad idea all of this was.
"Come on then!" Blaze exclaimed happily, rushing out the door and forcing Daffodil, who didn't want to be left alone, to follow.
Outside, it was just as dark as it seemed through the window. The only source of light was a fire burning in the distance and it seemed that that was where they were heading.
As they came closer, Daffodil saw that a couple of dozen other children were sitting around the fire. Among all the little ponies gathered, there was only one adult pony. When Daffodil and Blaze had seated themselves on the ground among the other children, the stallion put out the fire. Casting a spell that made his horn glow with a faint, white light, he opened an old book and began to read.
"The winter was at its coldest and darkest, and the ponies of the land had started to fear that they would never see the sun rise again. There were no Alicorns to lead them, or bring them light. But as they were about to succumb to the darkness around them, they got a sign, a light in the cold winter night. An angel from heaven to earth had arrived."
The stallion closed the book and all the fillies and colts turned their heads to look at the misty outlines of the dark city. In the windows of every house and home a light appeared. Coming out of the houses on the left side of the street were mares, dressed in white with glitter in their manes and around their waist. From the houses on the right side of the street were stallions, dressed in white dresses as well and wearing pointy hats with golden stars.
The mares were carrying burning candles and the stallions sticks with golden stars at the end.
In the center of everything was one pony. She was standing in front of all the other mares and stallions and led the procession. The mare was dressed in a white dress, a red ribbon around her waist and on top of her head was a wreath with burning candles in it. In her magic, the mare was carrying a tray with gingerbreads and saffron buns on it.
The processions slowly made their way through the frozen fields, and when reaching a hill a few meters away from where the foals were sitting, they stopped. The mare leading the procession started to talk.
"I welcome you all, like many times before during the winter nights long,
With candles in my crown and atmospheric song
I come when it's at it's very darkest here in the north
When everything seem dead and frozen on the earth
The everlasting ray of light, the sun everywhere
Finds a way into every heart where it now feels so cold.
I welcome you all, like many times before during the winter nights long,
With candles in my crown and atmospheric song."
The mare went quiet and for a moment, the only thing that could be heard was the sound of the cold winter wind rustling in the fields. But then, the rest of the mares and stallions began to sing.
"Now awake and rejoice, St. Lucy is here, and the night against morning is turning.
The shimmering lights in the crown she wears, and the hope in our hearts she awakes.
Welcome, this midwinter’s radiant maiden,
you comforting bringest!
See life, covered by frost and by snow,
Victory shall once more be winning.
Welcome, welcome, once more in our house,
you light bride, that concured the night
And in the darkness a ray of light ignites,
And hope and joy us brings!"
As the mares and stallions finished their singing, the mare that depicted St. Lucy walked over to the children and distributed the gingerbreads and saffron buns to some of them.
When the tray was empty, she looked over at the mares and stallions, and they all nodded in mutual understanding. The mare standing next to St. Lucy then carefully blew out her candle, and the mare behind her then did so too. One after one, the candles where blown out, and soon the ones in St. Lucy’s mane were the only ones burning. Turning around, the mare depicting St. Lucy then started to lead the procession back the way they came.
Spellbound by what they had seen, Daffodil and Icing watched as the mare leading the procession took with her the last lights through the frozen fields, further and further away, until they where no longer to be seen.
At once, the spell was broken and the two fillies got aware of how dark and cold everything was. Many of the other fillies and colts, especially some of the younger ones, had started to notice it too. A quiet, whining noise could be heard from the group, slowly growing louder, until they thought it would break out into full-blown screaming. But then the old stallion lit a match and set fire to two of the four candles that had been placed in the snow. The candles he lit were marked 1 and 2 and the other candles, the ones he didn't lit, were marked 3 and 4.
"St. Lucy has been here, blessing us with her light and marking the second milestone on our way to the holy night of Hearth’s Warming Eve. What you have seen out here in the frozen fields, you will always carry with you in your heart. Let it remind you that Faust and her children will never leave our side as long as we believe."
With that, the old stallion stood up and gave two older fillies the candles, who then started to lead the way back to the city.
The walk home gave little room for conversation, as they all shared a mutual feeling that it was something sacred about this moments, and the second someone spoke up, what made these few moments special would be gone.
Making their way up the main street, the foals dropped off one by one as they passed by their houses, their parents waiting on the door steps.
Outside Blaze’s house, the filly’s parents were waiting for their daughter and her friend.
Icing Blaze immediately ran up and hugged her parents, leaving Daffodil standing there, watching as they showed their affection to each other. Seeing this made Daffodil wish her parents were there, and just as she thought she was about to cry, Blaze’s dad appeared from behind and hugged Daffodil. Blaze’s mother and Blaze then walked up to them and joined them, all of them having one big group hug.
"Goodbye Daffodil, I'm going to miss you." The blue filly said, embracing her friend.
"Goodbye Blaze, I'm going to miss you too. Promise not to open my gift before Hearth’s Warming Eve, okay?" Daffodil answered, returning the embrace.
The blue filly giggled, finally letting go of her friend.
"I won't. I trust you. Don't open mine earlier either."
The orange filly winked, stepping on board the train to Canterlot where she would switch to a train home to Manehattan.
10 Days Later, on the morning of Hearth’s Warming Eve
It was early in the morning and everypony was fast asleep in their beds. All except one. Upstairs in the old house an orange filly was sitting on her bedroom floor. Pieces of colourful holiday gift paper lay scattered around her and she was cradling a tiny, delicate work of art in her small hooves. It was a crimson feathered deity, holding a precious crystal In it's delicate hands. The golden halo sat stoically on it's head, reminding of the fragile balance of hate In the world, and the undying love of the deity. The huge feathered wingspan branched out, giving rays of hope to all below...it was the blood angel, watching the balance between light and darkness.
The blood angel was a present from the filly’s friend to remember her by when they couldn't meet.
In a house in Manehattan, a small orange filly was sitting on her bedroom floor, cradling a tiny glass angel. At the same time, a small blue filly was sitting on her bedroom floor, cradling an identical glass angel. The only differences between the two angels was that while one was red and pink, the other one was dark and light blue.
These fillies were so different, and lived in two completely different places, yet they stuck together. They were the best of friends and wanted it to always stay that way.
Preread, proofread and edited by MusicMelody, Mountain Bell and Fugly Duckling
So, first off, I just want to wish you all happy Heart's Warming Eve! This fanfic was based off a Swedish tradition called St. Lucy's Day (wiki link for you interested) and I had a blast writing it. Enjoy! 
Stats
Page generated in 0.066 seconds
Total duration
1,006 users online
154,816 hits today, 2,205,040 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Very sweet. I love your world building, and how you incorporate St. Lucy's day into the Equestrian mythos. Well done. I think I'll add this to my headcanon.
St. Lucy's day is not celebrated in the USA, but I did enjoy a virtual St. Lucy's day once, one a roll playing site. A participant from Sweden lead us through the holiday, and I remember that fondly.
That was a sweet little story
5393549
Yay! You will add it to your HEADCANON?!?! I'm honoured! Though I must confess the thing with the heart, cross and anchor is actualy a Finnish tradition. I'm going to add that to the A/N.
I know that. Sounds like a lot of fun, really.
5394047
I-it's you. Oh. My. Gosh. It's you!!! And you liked my story!!! AHHH!!!
*freaks out because I'm so happy*
5394216
Aw schucks, I'm nobody special
5394232
Of course you are. You have two EQD approved stories and I absolutely adore your writing!
5394252
Well, thanks, I'm glad you like them. Sorry they're so slow to update though :P
A very nice story you made with this Swedish tradition.
As I read you had a blast writing it. We would like to thank you for entering it to our hearts warming contest.
And a great day to you
Dragon san
5394367
I don't mind, especially not when the chapter are as good as the last few chapters was!
5394746
Yes, for me, St. Lucy's Day is a very important tradition, and I greatly enjoyed the idea of being able to share it with people from all over the world. I decided to use the Crystal Empire since it is closest to Sweden in climate, plus that I could introduce it to the reader through introducing it to my OC. Then my friend (who's not even into MLP) send me a picture of the pony OC she made simply because I inspired her to do a OC, and I decided to use it.
Thank all of you for hosting this competition. I don't think there would've been a heart's Warmign Eve fanfic from my side without it! ^^
5396234
Aw shucks. We're just making little contests and hope them to be enjoyable for all those who like to write and read. Nothing better than some words to get the spirits up.
Dragon san
5396522
Well, it got me to write this at least, so it's worth something! ^^
5396530
That's right. Thanks for the kind words.
Dragon san
5396715
No problem, thanks for enjoying my story.
5396730
My pleasure. Literally.
Dragon san
5396794
Yay! :)
This story is very sweet :D And you did a good job depicting the ceremony! I also love how Faust is a part of this story :D Overall, well done!
5410804
Glad you liked it! I mostly added Faust and stuff to tie it closer to the MLP universe...
5411715 That'll do it :D
The layout is weird now
5412306
Yep! :)
I know
5412308 So do you know when we'll hear the contest results?
5416307 no, but your likely the winner.
5416317 Debatable, I don't think I'll get any points for originality, I basically just took MLP and Star Wars and retold how the Grinch Stole Christmas XD
5416321 true, but still...originality points would probably go to me for this fanfic...
5416336 I completely agree :D I don't think anyone has done an MLP meets St. Lucy's Day story before!
541633
I don't think anyone have made a MLP meets Scandinavian Holiday fanfic before, no matter which holiday! ;)
5416347 Well there you go :D You really get originality points on this one!
5416360
=3
Greetings, keam! Here begins the review you requested from WRITE!
I see that you'd rather the focus be on the more abstract things like character and plot than mechanics. So I'll just briefly give you a bit of mechanics info up front and leave it at that.
Yes, this story needs quite a bit of editing help. Some readers are willing to look past that than others, but it does show that you put care into your work. When I'm presented with a synopsis that misspells "therefore" and "itself," and inconsistently capitalizes "Crystal Empire," it doesn't bode well for the rest of the story. There are groups that can help you with this kind of editing. In a normal review, I'd at least point out each kind of error I saw, but only mark one or two instances of each, explain what the error is, and say how to fix it, then leave you to find the rest. So full-on editing is beyond the scope of this review, but I'm going to skip it.
Now, this will sound like mechanical advice, but it's actually stylistic. Already in the early description, I'm seeing a lot of "to be" verbs. These verbs are inherently boring, as nothing happens. It's impractical to get rid of all of them, but you really should try to use more active verbs where possible. Take this:
If you instead phrased it as "Colorful Hearth's Warming banners, wreaths, and bouquets of mistletoe hung across the streets," it's a more active structure and more interesting to read.
This phrase is placed so far from what it describes that it creates an odd feeling. It would appear to describe "streets," which obviously doesn't make sense, but it takes long enough to sort it out that it causes a hiccup and just sounds odd.
I see there's religious imagery in here. That, on its own, isn't a problem. It's certainly common for MLP fanfics to treat Celestia and Luna as religious figures, though it's rarer to import Earth religion. Even in that case, it's not something inherently problematic, as long as it's given proper context. That's the issue here. We have the cross as a symbol, and though I haven't encountered her yet, the title makes mention of a saint. Yet there's no explanation of what these things mean in Equestria. I mean, I know you defined the cross as "believe," but the rest of the symbols make sense on their own, yet this one doesn't without assuming the Christian meaning, since no other one is presented, so there's a big piece of world building missing there, and one that may considerably bog the story down to include, unless you want to make all that part of the story, like, say, someone struggling with her beliefs.
I gather that there's a real St. Lucy's Day, but it's not celebrated that widely, so it's going to be lost on me or other readers if we're supposed to get any more out of it than you've presented here.
That's a little bit of a clumsy way to wedge in a description of the character. Maybe mention each of these things on its own and say what Daffodil likes about each or something.
It's obvious this would happen. You don't need to say so.
Again, a pretty cumbersome way of working the description in. It feels like you're pausing from the important action to put something there that doesn't belong. Add those things as it becomes natural to do so. For instance, if Daffodil pats the filly on the head, then's a good time to bring up her mane color since the focus is there anyway.
Now, we do get a little explanation of what St. Lucy did, but still nothing about what the title of saint means in Equestria or why this action was significant. St. Lucy brought light. The ponies there didn't have a way of creating it before then? Or there was some kind of crisis going on that she solved? We don't know, so it doesn't mean anything to me.
I'm hitting some dialogue for the first time, so I'll just say you're punctuating and capitalizing it wrong. If an attribution follows the quote, you don't capitalize it (unless it starts with something like a name, which has to be anyway), and you replace a period at the end of the dialogue with a comma. So:
becomes:
A few things about the end of your first scene. Once you start using dialogue, notice how there's not much narration. There's not enough speech here to call it a problem, so I'm just flagging it in case it becomes one and to get you thinking about it. Much of a conversation is nonverbal, and even if they're not using body language or facial expressions to facilitate what they're saying, they'd still be doing things as they talk. So if you skimp on the narration, it fails to paint a realistic visual scene, and it doesn't carry as much emotional content as it could.
The second issue is that you're relating character emotions very bluntly around here. Think of how you can tell that someone you see in public is happy. It's not because he says he is. It's because of how he looks and acts. He might have a spring in his step and a big smile. He might chatter on about what happened to him that day. That's how we naturally perceive each other's moods, so it's more effective to do so from written characters as well. The big three to avoid are directly naming an emotion (happy), using one as an adverb (sadly), or using one in a prepositional phrase (in excitement). There are other ways, too, but these are the chief ones.
And third, you're blazing through this interaction. We've just met both characters, and Blaze is apparently soneone important to Daffodil, but then it's completely summarized as to how they go through the house. Let me see what they do as they walk around, how they interact with each other, and what Daffodil thinks about the place. You're still in the first scene, and you need to be establishing who these charactes are and why we should care about them, but you're glossing all that over.
These statements are told from Daffodil's perspective.
Then this is from Blaze's. You don't want to jerk the reader around on perspective like this. You can jump around to different characters more easily in an omniscient narration, but you seem to be taking a more limited voice, where the narrator sometimes speaks the characters' thoughts for them and may take a conversational tone. If that's the voice you want, then you need to stay with a character longer than this. You still can switch from one to the other, but it has to be kept to a minimum and carefully considered whether doing so is actually necessary. And then when you do, it has to happen smoothly. Imagine a camera zooming out of one character, going back to an omniscient viewpoint, then zooming back in on another. While in a single character's perspective, you have to limit the narration to things that character could reasonably know or perceive.
Now the description of the ceremony. It's very factual, which equates to pretty boring. You've got Daffodil, experiencing this for the first time. What does she think about it? Is it pretty? Is she nervous? Is she cold? There's a whole lot going on here, but she's not reacting to it. If you do want a limited narrator, this is certainly the time to use it to good effect to get across her sense of wonder (or whatever). Even in an omniscient narration, you'd need to do something like that, but you have to go about it in different ways, focusing more on her body language and having to present her thoughts directly (i.e., as quotes) instead of letting the narrator adopt them. Bottom line, really think about how this experience feels for Daffodil, and get me to feel the same way as I experience it with her.
In the song lyrics, you're missing some spaces. It's also sticking out to me that there's no regular meter to them, which of course there doesn't have to be, but that'd be the default expectation, so it might take some language (perhaps an observation on Daffodil's behalf?) to prepare the reader for that.
Okay. If you really want to do this, I can't stop you. But be aware that very few readers will take you seriously at this point. For one, it's horribly cliched, and for another it really takes away the fantasy feel of the story to reference a real-life thing like this.
You're summarizing again. This is an important emotional moment in the story, and yet you don't go through character reactions. Note that this is handled in an omniscient manner here. You have to get me into the characters' heads and put on display what a powerful experience this was. You're making me take the narrator's word for it instead of showing me what it's like for the characters.
This sounds like it surprises Daffodil, but she already saw Blaze's dad. He was waiting for them, so how did she lose sight of him?
And how does this make Daffodil feel? You did go into her feelings a little upon seeing the family, so don't skimp on them now.
And then Daffodil goes right back home? She made this trip just to witness the ceremony? She didn't seem that excited to see it, so it's hard to imagine it was worth that much trouble to her. And it occurs that far before Hearth's Warming? Are the two related in some way? It seems so, but the connection isn't clear.
I'm not sure what happened at the end. I get that they exchanged identical glass angels, but I don't understand what the other present that Daffodil opened was about.
Also watch the close repetition of words. For instance, you use "cradling" three times in just two paragraphs.
So, bottom line: The story's built around this ceremony, which is a pretty neat thing. It just lacks that connection to the world at large, though. It's never really explained what it means, how it's related to Hearth's Warming, and most importantly, what emotional effect this whole experience has on the characters. Primarily because of that, it doesn't make a point, either. The story's not really set up to produce and resolve a conflict, so it's more about character growth. So what do we learn about one or more of the characters? What's different about them as a result of the story's events? These are the kinds of things that differentiate a story from a series of scenes. What message do you want the reader to take away from this? That these fillies are good friends? They already were at the beginning of the story. Is their friendship changed somehow? If so, make that the focus. Show me what's changed.
Keep writing and have fun with it!
fc06.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/349/4/b/reviewer_logo_longver03_01_by_burrakupansa-d5o60h2.png
Pascoite, WRITE's mineral
5599706
Thanks for this review. This hole story was, as implied, based of a real life tradition, celebrated in Northen Europe primarily.The song was hard to get right, mainoy because it had to be translated into English. I will probably go back working on this, now that there is no stress anymore. I will also see if I can bring in a new editor.
Again, thank you.