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At All Hours

When Rarity pulls an all-nighter at the newly opened Carousel Boutique, she discovers that sleep deprivation comes with a variety of things, all of which are working against her.

Can she overcome caffeine, cake and absurdity?

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gokenshadow

gokenshadow #1 · Dec 13th, 2014 · 1 · ·

This is really good, dude, much better in a content-sense than any of my fics. The story is definitely strong, and the execution is interesting and engaging. You have the characterization of Rarity down to a tee, and this situation seems like exactly something she'd run into.

However, it does need some editing, not so much in a writing sense as in a formatting sense. There are some grammar and punctuation mistakes throughout, and the dialogue attribution is sometimes a bit confusing. For instance:

"Well...I do like this hat. We've been through some rough shifts together..." Rarity smiled at the gentlecolt, just the right kind of smile. She deemed that somewhere between flirty and encouraging would be just about right.

It looks like the dialogue in this paragraph is what Rarity is saying even though it's clear from context that it is the conductor. It would look better if they were separated.

"Well...I do like this hat. We've been through some rough shifts together..."
Rarity smiled at the gentlecolt, just the right kind of smile. She deemed that somewhere between flirty and encouraging would be just about right.

Here is a good guide to writing dialogue.

There is also some confusion about whether Rarity is thinking or speaking. A good way to separate them is to have thinking always be Italicized without quotations, while having "speaking always be in quotations."

Good job on the story, though. I really like it. It feels very honest and fun.

zx29b