I'm just your average brony with an eye for good writing and an absurd reading speed. If anybody needs a prereader, feel free to ask. Pretty much it.
Rarity has been a notorious jewel thief for years, and she is only growing more bold with every passing day. Her sins comes back to haunt her, however, when her latest heist draws the attention of the royal guard and unleashes an ancient evil on the Crystal Empire. With family and friends in the line of fire and a newfound power at her back, can she right her wrongs before the shadows consume Equestria... or will the sacrifice be too great for her to bear?
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Interesting... curious to see how you will develop this story.
6796643 Thanks, looking forward to it myself. More than I care to admit, actually... procrastination will kill ya!
Okay question... what kind of mask is she wearing?
8769464
It's this same one from the show, but I didn't think it bore describing in detail. To my mind, at least, it'd be kinda like stopping to describe a hairstyle during a fight scene, takes you out of the moment.
vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/2/2b/Rarity_as_Radiance_S4E06.png/revision/latest?cb=20131223100904
Also, great timing! Been over a year since I've posted anything new on here, but I've finally found some time to work on the next couple of chapters this week. Fingers crossed, next chapter up by month's end. Hopefully with more to follow...
8769569
Eeeeh..... maybe give her a different mask later on. Like what Pinkie had during the Crystal Empire episodes because really... not a HUGE fan of Domino Masks.
8769997
Probably going to keep the show design throughout the story, to be honest, but you never know with superheroes. Costumes always seem to be changing... and this one designs clothes for a living.
- Headwind
8771675
She's a car burglar. Not a hero.
I've gone about ten lines into the prologue and... well, feedback.
“Dear sweet Celestia, this is gonna be boring.” As a loud groan escaped his throat, an earth pony in a carefully-tailored tuxedo turned to his friend and cuffed him upside his head as he finished closing the door to the penthouse hotel suite they'd just left.
LOOK AT THIS SECOND SENTENCE. he groans, you explain what species he is, what he wears, his gender, then he has a friend too, he hits that friend, he closes the door which beliongs to a penthouse which both of them have just left.
If you had problems following that sentence, yes, that is exactly what happened to me. This... needs to be divided up a litte, its too much information and I only retained half of it after reading it the first time.
As a loud groan escaped his throat, an earth pony in a carefully-tailored tuxedo turned to his friend and cuffed him upside his head as he finished closing the door to the penthouse hotel suite they'd just left.
“Sec, you've done nothing but whine since we left Canterlot. Can't you take just the slightest amount of pride in what we're doing?” High Security's face wrinkled at that, the gray pegasus using one wing to adjust the undersized formal vest he was wearing for the evening. He tried to straighten out his storm-blue mane as he retorted to his comrade's teasing.
who said that? There is a space, so I assumed its not the earth saying that anymore. actually, was the earth pony saying the first sentence? The pegasus reacts to whats being said, so I assume it wasnt him saying it, but the fact that I had to go through this mental exercise unfortunately means you haven't made it clear who was actually saying it.
That's actually how far I've read. I hope the feedback is useful, use clearer, shorter language. Try saying the sentence out loud if you aren't sure, if it sounds weird to yourself, it'll probably seem weird to whoever reads it.
8840160 Appreciate the input, mate. Been a long time since I've done any serious writing, honestly need all the help I can get. But hey, that's what second drafts are for, aye?
Grammatical issues aside, I hope you're enjoying the story so far. Chapter 2 should be uploaded soon. Have a good one!
- Headwind
8841705
thank you.
I totally wasn't trying to gain your favor so I could casually mention that I too have a story (called Void Trials, btw) that I desperately look to get feedback from.
nope.
well, it might have been on my mind. Just a side thing :P