It's always fascinating to see how the characters act when taken out of their comfort zones and elements.
And I mean that last one quite literally.
A lot of tough choices need to be made to deal with the dire situations present. It doesn't look like there is a right answer. I'm curious to see what gets decided upon in order to prevail.
Heh, and the Cadence backstory from the novel gets snuck in! That's another bit of pony merchandise that I need to track down one of these days.
I hope its one of two things, or both. One, Humans, like Science Fiction Marine Badasses, or two, the princesses reborn. Hopefully its the princesses. Hey, maybe its Trixie and Shining Armor, who knows.
I imagine he either barely survived his fall and got healed by Philomena(phoenix powers or whatever) or something caught him before he hit the ground and nobody noticed? We'll see
The reason I think so is that because of Mandeville screwing around with their food supply. I.E. Ponies. So maybe the changelings now wanting mutual destruction decided that a truce was required for future existence.
At least thats what i hope for cause it would be awesome to have an army of changelings fight robots.
2491830 And could you explain why Chapter 10 was bad, or what it was about this chapter that was "meh"?
Because guy, you've been a wet blanket since you first started posting. I'm open to critcism, but you've mostly been giving me one-sentence reviews that don't even tell me what I'm evidently doing wrong.
What did you want to see? What didn't you want to see? What is the story doing and where is it going that you'd rather it didn't?
I can't possibly make this story better for you if you give me no criteria with which to improve.
Seriously, I see you post anymore and I'm starting to feel like this guy:
Mareholes in the streets I’d have used ponyholes, since the term man refers to man as a race, as opposed to a gender.
>“What happens, Twilight, when in a hundred years Mandeville finally succumbs to his age? If we all let him continue his abusive rule on the promise of life, building his fortress into an impenetrable bastion, and he one day dies? You and I both know there is no tonic for immortality. He will die, and we will have surrendered ourselves and all we stand for on the promise of borrowed time.” I’m having trouble understanding Cadence’s point here. Twilight is hoping for everypony to accept their lives, and eventually Mandeville will die. The resistance wants to fight back, and get everypony killed, how is this an argument against Twilight and for Cadence?
>in the end, everyone involved was up to speed. Be that a typo?
Cadence’s alicorn story drags on a bit. I found myself skimming it once I got past her actually becoming an alicorn. It got boring.
2501928 I just use "mare" in place of "man" because it kinda sounds like the original word. The show itself does this plenty. I tend to go with the pun version rather than the accurate version.
Cadance's point is that whether they do something now or suck it up and eek an existence under Mandeville, Mandeville is going to die. And WHEN he dies, say goodbye to the sun and moon cycles. Basically her point is, whether they do something now or later, they can't hide from the problem that it's a temporary thing. And in a hundred years, Mandeville Arms is going to be a friggin' hyper-advanced doom-fortress, and any attempt to infiltrate it to retrieve the Elements will be nigh impossible.
Basically, better to try it now when he's almost invincible than later when he'll be ACTUALLY invincible. Cadance is pointing out that Twilight isn't implementing as much long-term thinking as she thinks she is.
Also, what part was supposed to be a typo? I don't see anything wrong.
2502792 Okay, that makes sense now, but it could definitely be explained better in the story.
Oh, and the typo is entirely dependent on whether you're trying to use pony vernacular or not. >in the end, everyone involved was up to speed. >in the end, everypony involved was up to speed.
2503258 I dunno, do you think so? It felt clear to me that beating Mandeville means nobody controlling the day/night cycle, so Mandeville dying of old age amounts to more or less the same result. I don't want to spoonfeed information to make the characters look like idiots or treat the reader like they're idiots, so I sometimes let implications hang in midair for the readers and characters to put together wordlessly. All the same, I don't want to confuse people either.
And no, I definitely meant "everyone." This seems like an odd thing to be bringing up on Chapter 12... I'd have thought it apparent by now that the narration doesn't ponify it's language, even when it's doing it's "third person limited" thing on certain characters, usually Twilight.
2503483 Well, it depends on the reader's ability to hang on to multiple bits of information. I consider myself quite adept at deductive reasoning, but in the excitement of Twilight's rant and the ever continuing struggle of trying to defeat Mandeville, his death felt more like a victory than a double edged sword. I plum forgot about the idea of Adrian dying meaning that the world would end, and I'm sure other readers did too. This wasn't because I'm not smart, it's just that that scene does a good job of distracting the reader from the imminent doom by attaching them to Twilight's emotional rant, not to mention the fissure between Rainbow Dash and Applejack.
A quick mention of the detail by Cadence during her point might help alleviate this.
Edit: Not to mention, Cadence's last statement there doesn't appear to make a lick of sense He will die, and we will have surrendered ourselves and all we stand for on the promise of borrowed time.” Can I get a translator over here?
There wasn't much action in this chapter but I think it was necessary to reastablish the setting since there hasn't been an update in a while. I definitely like the idea of discord ruling after Mandeville is gone(if he is ever gone). Also, YAY Corey is back!
2502792 So is this going to be some kind of deus ex machina? Ponies defeat him, Twilight became an alicorn, no more problem yay! I hope it won't end like that.
Seriously though, I just finished a marathon of reading this story over a span what equals a whole day (yesterday and today) and all of the curveballs that have been thrown, the heartbreaking sadness, the heart pounding and suspense filling action has kept my interest at it's highest form!
The part where first Luna died made me read over that part just to be sure I wasn't seeing things. Once everything matched up with what my eyes were seeing and what my brain was interpreting via neural messaging....I just....wept inside.
Luna is my favorite out of the Princesses and out of all of the characters in the show and fanfics and was just so shocked to see that she was actually killed off.
Then you go around and kill Celestia which put me in even more disbelief and shock in seeing not just one Princess killed, but BOTH OF THEM!
On top of that with Trixie's death (another favorite of mine) it was all starting to tug at my feels.
And last but not least, Twilight's fake death. That part just about nearly made not read any further due to all of the death of well known and loved characters. But...I persisted in at least reading the rest of your story and boy am I glad that I did!
Twilight not really dead, Corey back in the game, and a rebellion in the works with the possibility that Discord might be released to help out?! This sir, I upmost, approve of.
Plus, these two mystery individuals! A number of guesses and all of them sound good. Just so you know, I will be watching this story from the shadows and you sir, have my instant fave. Keep up the good work mate and stay strong...stay strong.
2493817 That would awesome. And I see the Changelings kicking those rust buckets rears real good.
2491867 My thoughts exactly. Although if one of the two mystery individuals was Trixie then that would throw me into one of those ' WTF?! ' type moments. Even I would be really overjoyed to see her in this story again, the point still stands that it was pretty convincing that she had Corey put a couple of rounds into her head to end her slow, torturous death of being crushed by some gears.
But hey, if it's the two princesses brought back to life as fillies, then I wouldn't put it past J-Dude to pull that type of a curveball on us.
Hey J-Dude. I just want to say that your story is awesome! You've certainly got my attention in this story. I mean, seriously dude, every minute, something is happening. The suspense and drama is like too much for me to handle. Anyways, I just want to say to keep up the good work man. I can't wait for your next chapter.
I hope you didn't mind, but I just drew it because I was bored. Do you think I should next time ask you for permission if I am going to draw something that involves with your story?
Anyways, I just want to say once again, keep up the good work and brony on. /)
P.S. I ain't a good drawer, but I hope you enjoy it.
Regardless, is there ANY possible way this story can end well? It was interesting when it started out, and I'm sure it still is, but it's so damn depressing...and yes, I know that's the point, but still, in the words of Samael from Darksiders (great game, by the way), I prefer stories with a happy ending. There's only one way I can think of to have this all end well: are you familiar with the Doctor Who episodes "The Sound of Drums" and "Last of the Time Lords"? I won't say what happens here, in case there are any late arrivals to that fandom present, but check out the summaries here:
Would it reek of Deus Ex Machina? Yes. Would it make this story, with all its darkness, more bearable to read? Undoubtedly, at least as far as I'm concerned.
You're an excellent writer, no doubt about that, and I do like some darkness in my stories, but only when there's a very distinct light in the distance. If nothing else, I'd love to see that monster Mandeville break down and have a fit if and when things start going downhill for him for a change...
2593647 Can it end well? Hard to say, and saying either way would be "telling" of me, being the author and all.
Regardless, I'll say this much: there isn't going to be a time-travel element in this story. And I can say that, given Twilight herself mentions her regret about the waste of Starswirl's time spell. At any rate, time loops being what they are, it would be unlikely to change anything anyway without enacting a paradox. and I doubt you could adequately solve any one event that led to the chapter 10 defeat in a thirty second window.
No, I'm afraid no history is going to be reset. This may be a story with magic, but I try not to employ NARRATIVE magic. Whatever happens, Twilight and her friends are doing this the hard way. I'm not copping out on the circumstances I've written into this story, so whatever solution comes, if any, is set into motion already with the reader aware of it, even if they didn't know its significance at the time. I'm not pulling a happy ending out of thin air.
Eh, I thought as much. :( I suppose resurrections are out of the question, then?
Still, what's wrong with a happy ending? I've never understood why some people prefer crappy endings as opposed to happy ones. Yes, it's more realistic, but stories are supposed to be an escape, especially stories about colorful cartoon ponies. And yes, I do like some darkness in my stories, but again, only when there's a decent chance it will end well. That being said, I don't mind if the heroes go througb hell, just so long as they get their happy ending.
2593861 I never said anything was wrong with happy endings, and Black Equinox may well end happily, relatively speaking anyway. Obviously, I just can't say
But the story I wanted to tell was one fraught with real danger and full of real, lasting consequences. I approached this story with the express desire to see these characters I love come up against something seriously dangerous and have their strength, friendship and resolve tested to their very limits, and see if they could pull through. To see if their power, their fellowship, could realistically survive. I wanted to pit them against an enemy that was utterly different from anything they'd ever encountered and willing and capable of going farther than those they had.
True, it's heavily implied that the likes of Sombra, Nightmare Moon and Chrysalis were capable and willing to kill, but the show could never go that far. While I don't think making a story "dark" by any means makes it better, I still find myself drawn to the ones willing to make the danger seem real. Character death is nothing one should employ flippantly, but it can be a powerful tool. The characters I have killed or implied to have been killed serve a purpose that pays off in the story by advancing the plot in directions that could otherwise never be explored in the same way, or would otherwise mean a lot less.
I wanted to create a villain, someone to provide this challenge, and allow me to worldbuild with the technologies and faculties of Mandeville Arms. To my own shame, the original version of Mandeville's character was rather shallow, but after a few drafts I made a human being out of him, flawed and cowardly though he might be. And in turn, I was able to use Mandeville and Corey respectively to offer commentary on the human species, providing an odd dichotomy exemplifying the weak and strong points of humanity, neither glorifying nor damning us.
Pretty much I went into this asking, if I wanted to end FIM with no content constraints, how would I do it? This story is my own answer.
2594151 Well, in that case, I'd say you've been doing a splendid job. :) And yes; as you've noted elsewhere, each character death has served to advance and develop the plot in some way. For that, I applaud you.. and give you a moustache.
Sorry if it sounded like I was complaining; I guess this just isn't my kind of story. As such, I'm probably not gonna follow it any further, but regardless, I wish you the best of luck.
If Equestria's never going to be the happy place it once was, then what the hay is the point? Heck, when Discord was defeated, all his damage was undone; I'm sure a talented writer like yourself could work something like that in...
I'm sorry, especially with the comments I made the other day, but this story is so grossly inappropriate in regards to what FiM is all about that it's not even funny. If this were a story about some other show, I probably wouldn't mind, but this... I echo the sentiments of another reader when I saybe a Reset Button would benefit this story hugely. True, the Mane 6 would probably still be scarred by their experiences (whicb would handle the 'lasting consequences' thing nicely), but at least eveypony would still be alive and Equestria wouldn't be irrevocably changed...and really, even if this was your way of ending the series with no content restrictions, such a (at best) bittersweet ending would seem hugely incongruous to the rest of the series.
If Equestria's never going to be the happy place it once was, then what the hay is the point?
Are you really asking what the point of living free as the master of your own destiny is if you can't have everything the way you want it? Because in case you haven't noticed, that's not how things work.
In regards to the story, the point is that negative consequences exist, and you can't always dodge them. Sometimes you have to live with things and overcome them as best you can. I would ask YOU what the point is in writing a story if nothing has changed by the end of it? Which isn't to say you need to go as far as I have, but so few works go this far that I really desired to, both to explore the results and BECAUSE it's a less-worn road.
Heck, when Discord was defeated, all his damage was undone; I'm sure a talented writer like yourself could work something like that in...
Flattered, but out of the question. A "talented writer" shouldn't have to rely on the crutch of a damned reset-button. That's the mark of either a lazy writer or a writer working within a fixed status quo they want to breach without changing things too much.
I'm sorry, especially with the comments I made the other day, but this story is so grossly inappropriate in regards to what FiM is all about that it's not even funny. If this were a story about some other show, I probably wouldn't mind, but this...
Oh, we're doing this now, hmm? The ol' "it's about peace-loving ponies, bad things shouldn't happen!" thing?
I never got this argument, and you're at least the second person to make it. And it baffles me. This is NOT the darkest story out there, not by a long shot. Hell, "Fallout Equestria," the biggest fanfiction series in the brony fandom, is BASED on terribad things happening to Equestria and to just about ALL of the main characters, with lasting permanent damage to EVERYTHING.
And the argument is being made against my story??
What, the tags never clued anyone in that this story was dark? The death of a prominent character in the first friggin chapter didn't set the tone that bad things might happen in this story? That things weren't gonna stay all sunshine and rainbows(aerial bombardments of such notwithstanding)?
Or maybe it's the fact that I began the story on proper terms with the series, keeping characterization in check, not having them swearing, and slowly eased Equestria into darker and darker circumstances as the more realistic human world encroached upon the seemingly more innocent pony world?
I was just gonna shrug and let you go on your way. Not every story is for every reader, and I'm not gonna get on someone's case for deciding things are too much. But since you've directly challenged my story's right to exist, I'm not gonna just lie here.
I resent being told what story I can and can't tell. Isn't it one of the staples of the brony fandom to recognize that our heroins act like real people with real feelings, and furthermore that they (mostly) act like adults? Isn't it one of the big attracting factors that we CAN see these characters getting dropped into more serious scenarios and being capable of handling them? Again, I just don't GET this line of reasoning.
I echo the sentiments of another reader when I saybe a Reset Button would benefit this story hugely. True, the Mane 6 would probably still be scarred by their experiences (whicb would handle the 'lasting consequences' thing nicely), but at least eveypony would still be alive and Equestria wouldn't be irrevocably changed
Let me introduce you, if you've never known it before, to a series called "Dragonball."
It's one of the defining shows of my adolescence, about heroes and villains alike with absurd super-strength, speed and the ability to use their own life force as badass-looking energy weapons.
But while I really like the show in a nostalgic sense, it has one massive flaw to it: the eponymous Dragonballs.
See, throughout the series, many times villains manage to kill off main characters, even the leads, or blow up planets, or slaughter entire species of people.
The Dragonballs are seven magical gems that, once a year, can be summoned to grant AAAAANY wish the user wants. This has stretched from bringing ONE person back to life, to bringing RACES OF PEOPLE back to life, to CREATING AND RECREATING EXPLODED PLANETS.
Plus, we see that the afterlife is a real place and we even have cutaway characters who LIVE there, meaning that we get to see any character who ever dies EVER after a baddy beats them, and with the Dragonballs we pretty much just have to wait for the opportunity to bring them back after the fighting is over.
They DID originally limit the wishes to a person only being able to be revived ONCE, but then they found a second dragon WITHOUT this limitation, and the bottom feel right the fuck out.
You see? You see, the huge problem in this scenario from a storytelling perspective?
Nobody stays dead in Dragonball. Nobody. Consequences never stick, nobody is ever really gone even if they DID stay dead, and while they do a few things from time to time, like having characters decide to stay in the afterlife for their own reasons, it creates an ENORMOUS vacuum of tension.
There's no DRAMA in Dragonball. Dead characters are just waiting for the chance to get wished back to life, and even the damage done by the villains usually gets repaired too.
My long and rambling point is this: psychological consequences aren't enough. Oh, they can lead to their own great stories, but it really dampens the impact when the events that caused their mental neuroses might as well have never happened at all.
That said, it's by no means a guarantee that nothing will ever be good again, just that whatever new status quo comes about isn't going to be the same old song and dance. And in the end, even if it DID all just go back to the way it was, could all of our heroes really just go back to business as usual? Or are they different now? Have they grown in some ways? Have they outgrown some things? Everyone is different, but for some... there may BE no going back.
...and really, even if this was your way of ending the series with no content restrictions, such a (at best) bittersweet ending would seem hugely incongruous to the rest of the series.
Why?
The thesis of FIM is in the name: "Friendship is Magic."
This series is about the power and worth of friendship, how you can rely on those you care for, and how those you care for can rely on you.
And Black Equinox, among the many themes and purposes within it, is still about that. It's still about proving the power behind the invisible bonds between our heroins and those that surround them. It's still about finding how far those bonds can be tested, what happens when they break and whether or not they can be mended. It's still the journey of Twilight Sparkle as she comes into her own, realizing both her own power, her own knowledge, and that of those around her. It's still a coming of age tale that tests everything she knows and loves and forces her to decide for herself what she values and why it's worth valuing.
Again, I think you've fallen for my trap. I think I did too good a job in making you despair. But I still think it's worth all that's happened to tell the story I'm telling.
I'M very sorry. :( I am very familiar with Dragon Ball, and you're rightx after a while, the whole 'any wish' thing did get rather tiresome. I guess your story worked too well for me;it made me upset, and I wrongly took it out on you. And again, I'm sorry; this is yout story, and I have no right to act the way I did.
Once again, my bored mind has once again forced me to draw another artwork of Corey. Not saying that I'm a fan of him, but I just think that he's a huge inspiration for me to draw more stuff like this. This time, I drew him to be based off on a soldier from Battlefield 3: Aftermath.
I just want to let you know that I am not stealling the spotlight nor am I pushing you further into working hard or anything. I just draw fanart of anything because I am somtimes bored and have nothing else to do. I hope you can understand that.
Anyways, I hope you enjoy it, and yeah, that's all. Like I said before, I ain't a good drawer, but enjoy.
Comment posted by will-i-am deleted Jul 16th, 2013
It's always fascinating to see how the characters act when taken out of their comfort zones and elements.
And I mean that last one quite literally.
A lot of tough choices need to be made to deal with the dire situations present. It doesn't look like there is a right answer. I'm curious to see what gets decided upon in order to prevail.
Heh, and the Cadence backstory from the novel gets snuck in! That's another bit of pony merchandise that I need to track down one of these days.
Good work!
What the?!? How did Corey survive? and does he have more humans with him?
CHANGLINGS!
I bet you dollars to doughnuts its CHANGLINGS!
I hope its one of two things, or both. One, Humans, like Science Fiction Marine Badasses, or two, the princesses reborn. Hopefully its the princesses. Hey, maybe its Trixie and Shining Armor, who knows.
Oh, how I missed this story!
Nice cliff-hanger, by the way.
2491718
That's what I'm going to guess too. Personally I think changelings would be a pretty good ally right about now, especially Chrysalis.
2491309
I imagine he either barely survived his fall and got healed by Philomena(phoenix powers or whatever) or something caught him before he hit the ground and nobody noticed? We'll see
2492823
The reason I think so is that because of Mandeville screwing around with their food supply. I.E. Ponies.
So maybe the changelings now wanting mutual destruction decided that a truce was required for future existence.
At least thats what i hope for cause it would be awesome to have an army of changelings fight robots.
2491830 And could you explain why Chapter 10 was bad, or what it was about this chapter that was "meh"?
Because guy, you've been a wet blanket since you first started posting. I'm open to critcism, but you've mostly been giving me one-sentence reviews that don't even tell me what I'm evidently doing wrong.
What did you want to see? What didn't you want to see? What is the story doing and where is it going that you'd rather it didn't?
I can't possibly make this story better for you if you give me no criteria with which to improve.
Seriously, I see you post anymore and I'm starting to feel like this guy:
NOOOOOO,CHAPTER WHY U END?!
Mareholes in the streets
I’d have used ponyholes, since the term man refers to man as a race, as opposed to a gender.
>“What happens, Twilight, when in a hundred years Mandeville finally succumbs to his age? If we all let him continue his abusive rule on the promise of life, building his fortress into an impenetrable bastion, and he one day dies? You and I both know there is no tonic for immortality. He will die, and we will have surrendered ourselves and all we stand for on the promise of borrowed time.”
I’m having trouble understanding Cadence’s point here. Twilight is hoping for everypony to accept their lives, and eventually Mandeville will die. The resistance wants to fight back, and get everypony killed, how is this an argument against Twilight and for Cadence?
>in the end, everyone involved was up to speed.
Be that a typo?
Cadence’s alicorn story drags on a bit. I found myself skimming it once I got past her actually becoming an alicorn. It got boring.
Other than that, I have no issues.
2501928 I just use "mare" in place of "man" because it kinda sounds like the original word. The show itself does this plenty. I tend to go with the pun version rather than the accurate version.
Cadance's point is that whether they do something now or suck it up and eek an existence under Mandeville, Mandeville is going to die. And WHEN he dies, say goodbye to the sun and moon cycles. Basically her point is, whether they do something now or later, they can't hide from the problem that it's a temporary thing. And in a hundred years, Mandeville Arms is going to be a friggin' hyper-advanced doom-fortress, and any attempt to infiltrate it to retrieve the Elements will be nigh impossible.
Basically, better to try it now when he's almost invincible than later when he'll be ACTUALLY invincible. Cadance is pointing out that Twilight isn't implementing as much long-term thinking as she thinks she is.
Also, what part was supposed to be a typo? I don't see anything wrong.
2502792
Okay, that makes sense now, but it could definitely be explained better in the story.
Oh, and the typo is entirely dependent on whether you're trying to use pony vernacular or not.
>in the end, everyone involved was up to speed.
>in the end, everypony involved was up to speed.
2503258
I dunno, do you think so? It felt clear to me that beating Mandeville means nobody controlling the day/night cycle, so Mandeville dying of old age amounts to more or less the same result. I don't want to spoonfeed information to make the characters look like idiots or treat the reader like they're idiots, so I sometimes let implications hang in midair for the readers and characters to put together wordlessly. All the same, I don't want to confuse people either.
And no, I definitely meant "everyone." This seems like an odd thing to be bringing up on Chapter 12... I'd have thought it apparent by now that the narration doesn't ponify it's language, even when it's doing it's "third person limited" thing on certain characters, usually Twilight.
2503483
Well, it depends on the reader's ability to hang on to multiple bits of information. I consider myself quite adept at deductive reasoning, but in the excitement of Twilight's rant and the ever continuing struggle of trying to defeat Mandeville, his death felt more like a victory than a double edged sword. I plum forgot about the idea of Adrian dying meaning that the world would end, and I'm sure other readers did too. This wasn't because I'm not smart, it's just that that scene does a good job of distracting the reader from the imminent doom by attaching them to Twilight's emotional rant, not to mention the fissure between Rainbow Dash and Applejack.
A quick mention of the detail by Cadence during her point might help alleviate this.
Edit: Not to mention, Cadence's last statement there doesn't appear to make a lick of sense
He will die, and we will have surrendered ourselves and all we stand for on the promise of borrowed time.”
Can I get a translator over here?
There wasn't much action in this chapter but I think it was necessary to reastablish the setting since there hasn't been an update in a while. I definitely like the idea of discord ruling after Mandeville is gone(if he is ever gone). Also, YAY Corey is back!
2502792 So is this going to be some kind of deus ex machina? Ponies defeat him, Twilight became an alicorn, no more problem yay!
I hope it won't end like that.
2503483
WOW MAN! THIS STORY IS FRIGGIN AWESOME!
Seriously though, I just finished a marathon of reading this story over a span what equals a whole day (yesterday and today) and all of the curveballs that have been thrown, the heartbreaking sadness, the heart pounding and suspense filling action has kept my interest at it's highest form!
The part where first Luna died made me read over that part just to be sure I wasn't seeing things. Once everything matched up with what my eyes were seeing and what my brain was interpreting via neural messaging....I just....wept inside.
Luna is my favorite out of the Princesses and out of all of the characters in the show and fanfics and was just so shocked to see that she was actually killed off.
Then you go around and kill Celestia which put me in even more disbelief and shock in seeing not just one Princess killed, but BOTH OF THEM!
On top of that with Trixie's death (another favorite of mine) it was all starting to tug at my feels.
And last but not least, Twilight's fake death. That part just about nearly made not read any further due to all of the death of well known and loved characters. But...I persisted in at least reading the rest of your story and boy am I glad that I did!
Twilight not really dead, Corey back in the game, and a rebellion in the works with the possibility that Discord might be released to help out?! This sir, I upmost, approve of.
Plus, these two mystery individuals! A number of guesses and all of them sound good. Just so you know, I will be watching this story from the shadows and you sir, have my instant fave. Keep up the good work mate and stay strong...stay strong.
2493817
That would awesome. And I see the Changelings kicking those rust buckets rears real good.
2497410
What this pony said.
2491867
My thoughts exactly. Although if one of the two mystery individuals was Trixie then that would throw me into one of those
' WTF?! ' type moments. Even I would be really overjoyed to see her in this story again, the point still stands that it was pretty convincing that she had Corey put a couple of rounds into her head to end her slow, torturous death of being crushed by some gears.
But hey, if it's the two princesses brought back to life as fillies, then I wouldn't put it past J-Dude to pull that type of a curveball on us.
~ Super-Brony12
Hey J-Dude. I just want to say that your story is awesome! You've certainly got my attention in this story. I mean, seriously dude, every minute, something is happening. The suspense and drama is like too much for me to handle. Anyways, I just want to say to keep up the good work man. I can't wait for your next chapter.
And here, I drew a fan art of Corey.
I hope you didn't mind, but I just drew it because I was bored. Do you think I should next time ask you for permission if I am going to draw something that involves with your story?
Anyways, I just want to say once again, keep up the good work and brony on. /)
P.S. I ain't a good drawer, but I hope you enjoy it.
2573999 Holy crap, something I made has fanart
Hey, thanks for the words man, and of COURSE you can make your own art pertaining to the story. No permission required
2186539
Regardless, is there ANY possible way this story can end well? It was interesting when it started out, and I'm sure it still is, but it's so damn depressing...and yes, I know that's the point, but still, in the words of Samael from Darksiders (great game, by the way), I prefer stories with a happy ending. There's only one way I can think of to have this all end well: are you familiar with the Doctor Who episodes "The Sound of Drums" and "Last of the Time Lords"? I won't say what happens here, in case there are any late arrivals to that fandom present, but check out the summaries here:
http://tardis.wikia.com/wiki/The_Sound_of_Drums_%28TV_story%29
and here:
http://tardis.wikia.com/wiki/Last_of_the_Time_Lords_%28TV_story%29
Would it reek of Deus Ex Machina? Yes. Would it make this story, with all its darkness, more bearable to read? Undoubtedly, at least as far as I'm concerned.
You're an excellent writer, no doubt about that, and I do like some darkness in my stories, but only when there's a very distinct light in the distance. If nothing else, I'd love to see that monster Mandeville break down and have a fit if and when things start going downhill for him for a change...
2593647
Can it end well? Hard to say, and saying either way would be "telling" of me, being the author and all.
Regardless, I'll say this much: there isn't going to be a time-travel element in this story. And I can say that, given Twilight herself mentions her regret about the waste of Starswirl's time spell. At any rate, time loops being what they are, it would be unlikely to change anything anyway without enacting a paradox. and I doubt you could adequately solve any one event that led to the chapter 10 defeat in a thirty second window.
No, I'm afraid no history is going to be reset. This may be a story with magic, but I try not to employ NARRATIVE magic. Whatever happens, Twilight and her friends are doing this the hard way. I'm not copping out on the circumstances I've written into this story, so whatever solution comes, if any, is set into motion already with the reader aware of it, even if they didn't know its significance at the time. I'm not pulling a happy ending out of thin air.
2593794
Eh, I thought as much. :( I suppose resurrections are out of the question, then?
Still, what's wrong with a happy ending? I've never understood why some people prefer crappy endings as opposed to happy ones. Yes, it's more realistic, but stories are supposed to be an escape, especially stories about colorful cartoon ponies. And yes, I do like some darkness in my stories, but again, only when there's a decent chance it will end well. That being said, I don't mind if the heroes go througb hell, just so long as they get their happy ending.
2593861
I never said anything was wrong with happy endings, and Black Equinox may well end happily, relatively speaking anyway. Obviously, I just can't say
But the story I wanted to tell was one fraught with real danger and full of real, lasting consequences. I approached this story with the express desire to see these characters I love come up against something seriously dangerous and have their strength, friendship and resolve tested to their very limits, and see if they could pull through. To see if their power, their fellowship, could realistically survive. I wanted to pit them against an enemy that was utterly different from anything they'd ever encountered and willing and capable of going farther than those they had.
True, it's heavily implied that the likes of Sombra, Nightmare Moon and Chrysalis were capable and willing to kill, but the show could never go that far. While I don't think making a story "dark" by any means makes it better, I still find myself drawn to the ones willing to make the danger seem real. Character death is nothing one should employ flippantly, but it can be a powerful tool. The characters I have killed or implied to have been killed serve a purpose that pays off in the story by advancing the plot in directions that could otherwise never be explored in the same way, or would otherwise mean a lot less.
I wanted to create a villain, someone to provide this challenge, and allow me to worldbuild with the technologies and faculties of Mandeville Arms. To my own shame, the original version of Mandeville's character was rather shallow, but after a few drafts I made a human being out of him, flawed and cowardly though he might be. And in turn, I was able to use Mandeville and Corey respectively to offer commentary on the human species, providing an odd dichotomy exemplifying the weak and strong points of humanity, neither glorifying nor damning us.
Pretty much I went into this asking, if I wanted to end FIM with no content constraints, how would I do it? This story is my own answer.
2594151
Well, in that case, I'd say you've been doing a splendid job. :) And yes; as you've noted elsewhere, each character death has served to advance and develop the plot in some way. For that, I applaud you.. and give you a moustache.
Sorry if it sounded like I was complaining; I guess this just isn't my kind of story. As such, I'm probably not gonna follow it any further, but regardless, I wish you the best of luck.
2520126
2267654
If Equestria's never going to be the happy place it once was, then what the hay is the point?
Heck, when Discord was defeated, all his damage was undone; I'm sure a talented writer like yourself could work something like that in...
I'm sorry, especially with the comments I made the other day, but this story is so grossly inappropriate in regards to what FiM is all about that it's not even funny. If this were a story about some other show, I probably wouldn't mind, but this... I echo the sentiments of another reader when I saybe a Reset Button would benefit this story hugely. True, the Mane 6 would probably still be scarred by their experiences (whicb would handle the 'lasting consequences' thing nicely), but at least eveypony would still be alive and Equestria wouldn't be irrevocably changed...and really, even if this was your way of ending the series with no content restrictions, such a (at best) bittersweet ending would seem hugely incongruous to the rest of the series.
2603289
Are you really asking what the point of living free as the master of your own destiny is if you can't have everything the way you want it? Because in case you haven't noticed, that's not how things work.
In regards to the story, the point is that negative consequences exist, and you can't always dodge them. Sometimes you have to live with things and overcome them as best you can. I would ask YOU what the point is in writing a story if nothing has changed by the end of it? Which isn't to say you need to go as far as I have, but so few works go this far that I really desired to, both to explore the results and BECAUSE it's a less-worn road.
Flattered, but out of the question. A "talented writer" shouldn't have to rely on the crutch of a damned reset-button. That's the mark of either a lazy writer or a writer working within a fixed status quo they want to breach without changing things too much.
Oh, we're doing this now, hmm? The ol' "it's about peace-loving ponies, bad things shouldn't happen!" thing?
I never got this argument, and you're at least the second person to make it. And it baffles me. This is NOT the darkest story out there, not by a long shot. Hell, "Fallout Equestria," the biggest fanfiction series in the brony fandom, is BASED on terribad things happening to Equestria and to just about ALL of the main characters, with lasting permanent damage to EVERYTHING.
And the argument is being made against my story??
What, the tags never clued anyone in that this story was dark? The death of a prominent character in the first friggin chapter didn't set the tone that bad things might happen in this story? That things weren't gonna stay all sunshine and rainbows(aerial bombardments of such notwithstanding)?
Or maybe it's the fact that I began the story on proper terms with the series, keeping characterization in check, not having them swearing, and slowly eased Equestria into darker and darker circumstances as the more realistic human world encroached upon the seemingly more innocent pony world?
I was just gonna shrug and let you go on your way. Not every story is for every reader, and I'm not gonna get on someone's case for deciding things are too much. But since you've directly challenged my story's right to exist, I'm not gonna just lie here.
I resent being told what story I can and can't tell. Isn't it one of the staples of the brony fandom to recognize that our heroins act like real people with real feelings, and furthermore that they (mostly) act like adults? Isn't it one of the big attracting factors that we CAN see these characters getting dropped into more serious scenarios and being capable of handling them? Again, I just don't GET this line of reasoning.
Let me introduce you, if you've never known it before, to a series called "Dragonball."
It's one of the defining shows of my adolescence, about heroes and villains alike with absurd super-strength, speed and the ability to use their own life force as badass-looking energy weapons.
But while I really like the show in a nostalgic sense, it has one massive flaw to it: the eponymous Dragonballs.
See, throughout the series, many times villains manage to kill off main characters, even the leads, or blow up planets, or slaughter entire species of people.
The Dragonballs are seven magical gems that, once a year, can be summoned to grant AAAAANY wish the user wants. This has stretched from bringing ONE person back to life, to bringing RACES OF PEOPLE back to life, to CREATING AND RECREATING EXPLODED PLANETS.
Plus, we see that the afterlife is a real place and we even have cutaway characters who LIVE there, meaning that we get to see any character who ever dies EVER after a baddy beats them, and with the Dragonballs we pretty much just have to wait for the opportunity to bring them back after the fighting is over.
They DID originally limit the wishes to a person only being able to be revived ONCE, but then they found a second dragon WITHOUT this limitation, and the bottom feel right the fuck out.
You see? You see, the huge problem in this scenario from a storytelling perspective?
Nobody stays dead in Dragonball. Nobody. Consequences never stick, nobody is ever really gone even if they DID stay dead, and while they do a few things from time to time, like having characters decide to stay in the afterlife for their own reasons, it creates an ENORMOUS vacuum of tension.
There's no DRAMA in Dragonball. Dead characters are just waiting for the chance to get wished back to life, and even the damage done by the villains usually gets repaired too.
My long and rambling point is this: psychological consequences aren't enough. Oh, they can lead to their own great stories, but it really dampens the impact when the events that caused their mental neuroses might as well have never happened at all.
That said, it's by no means a guarantee that nothing will ever be good again, just that whatever new status quo comes about isn't going to be the same old song and dance. And in the end, even if it DID all just go back to the way it was, could all of our heroes really just go back to business as usual? Or are they different now? Have they grown in some ways? Have they outgrown some things? Everyone is different, but for some... there may BE no going back.
Why?
The thesis of FIM is in the name: "Friendship is Magic."
This series is about the power and worth of friendship, how you can rely on those you care for, and how those you care for can rely on you.
And Black Equinox, among the many themes and purposes within it, is still about that. It's still about proving the power behind the invisible bonds between our heroins and those that surround them. It's still about finding how far those bonds can be tested, what happens when they break and whether or not they can be mended. It's still the journey of Twilight Sparkle as she comes into her own, realizing both her own power, her own knowledge, and that of those around her. It's still a coming of age tale that tests everything she knows and loves and forces her to decide for herself what she values and why it's worth valuing.
Again, I think you've fallen for my trap. I think I did too good a job in making you despair. But I still think it's worth all that's happened to tell the story I'm telling.
2603815
I'M very sorry. :( I am very familiar with Dragon Ball, and you're rightx after a while, the whole 'any wish' thing did get rather tiresome. I guess your story worked too well for me;it made me upset, and I wrongly took it out on you. And again, I'm sorry; this is yout story, and I have no right to act the way I did.
J-Dude I just have to say, you story is amazing!!! I Definitely can't wait to see what happens next!!
now I've gotta wait for chapter 13
2711589 fuuuuuuuuucccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.............oh well the wait I guess will be worth it.
for those who want to know..........just learnin'...........
:D
2711597 oh fumble, it didn't go through....javascript:smilie('');
2711599javascript:('');
2711601........okay now I've figured it out............
but hell, I can still use ma own if I wanted to...... :D
D: ;:(
Please continue the story, I always want more chapters each time I read. :,)
Jdude, please write more of my favorite fic.
I want to know who is with Corey!
Hey J-Dude!
Once again, my bored mind has once again forced me to draw another artwork of Corey. Not saying that I'm a fan of him, but I just think that he's a huge inspiration for me to draw more stuff like this. This time, I drew him to be based off on a soldier from Battlefield 3: Aftermath.
Here you go!
I just want to let you know that I am not stealling the spotlight nor am I pushing you further into working hard or anything. I just draw fanart of anything because I am somtimes bored and have nothing else to do. I hope you can understand that.
Anyways, I hope you enjoy it, and yeah, that's all. Like I said before, I ain't a good drawer, but enjoy.