Grim tidings for the ponies of Equestria. Now that Mandoville's won, he seems to be pretty lax with his ruling, letting CAIRO do all the dirty work. It's like he's grown bored of the whole thing already.
Can't say much more otherwise I get into spoiler territory, but a little light has shown in the dark and it looks like things might be turning around.
AHA! I KNEW IT!! SHE"S ALIVE! ...okay, maybe I didn't really know it... ...okay, fine. I actually believed she was dead. But still... Excellent chapter.
There was a big hint in Adrian's dialogue in the previous chapter, and I knew he was too fond of Twilight to off her at all, for any reason, really. Bravo, though. I love the fanfic and am eager for more!
I must admit, I thought of the mirror pool when you mentioned "A well made mannequin" but The reason I didn't follow that theory is because I was baffled as to how they would get there, or even know about it, not realizing Mandeville had teleportation abilities, and was suddenly profficient enough with them to move both Twilight and himself to it's exact location on nothing more than a rhyme found in an old book that Twilight didn't even know about. I did find it odd that he would just kill Twilight, after showing protective feelings for her, but there really wasn't much out of place. 'Twas a clever ruse, and by golly you've done it again. No tearjerkers this time, but still a great chapter, and wonderful use of predated season three content. i232.photobucket.com/albums/ee270/Asriel16Asi/My%20Little%20Pony%20Friendship%20is%20Magic/Twilight-clap.gif
Am eagerly waiting to see how they dig themselves out of this mess. And do I sense that Twilight actually wants to go back to Mandeville? As in, She appeared to be enjoying *his* company as well.
[sacrasm] Hooray. Twilight's not dead. Let there be rejoicing. [/sarcasm]
Equestria's still screwed because Mandeville is a sociopath and doesn't take his newly-appropriated duties seriously. Unless CAIRO can be convinced to turn on Mandeville, Mandeville will eventually wreck the whole planet. And even if CAIRO does make a heel-face turn (to use a wrestling term), Mandeville controls the day/night cycle and can't be effectively defeated without killing him, which will doom the planet.
Either Celestia and Luna get resurrected, or Equestria will die a slow death under its new neglectful and destructive overlord.
In summary, still too dark.
PS: Those ponies getting killed by Timberwolves? That felt like unnecessary violence for the sake of violence.
2183283 What in the world, I made a post and it just vanished...
Lol, so having some higher stakes is too dark? Speaking of too dark, I'm pretty sure the consequences of a stopped day/night cycle would have been about as pronounced in Nightmare Moon's hayday.
And if you're telling me you're getting a vibe of hopelessness from the current predicament, well... sorry, but it sounds like the story is producing the desired effect
As to Rainy Days and Argyle... well, you got the robot drone equivalent of having your hand chopped-off as a thief, and became a wounded pony in a town now occupied primarily by the local wildlife. And the carnivores have learned to back off the shiny white three-legged things, but come running when a big "bang" sound fills the air, because that probably means food...
I dunno man, it's a dystopian showcase: the scene portrays the status quo, and in just what ways terrible things can happen and WILL happen given the new order. As those two weren't going to feature prominently into the story, I couldn't exactly have them head home after barely escaping and then NEVER mention them again. Everyone would just wonder what they'd be doing later, and I'd have nothing for 'em. *shrug*
High stakes is one thing. The last few chapters, starting with Trixie's method of death, leave me with the feeling that your writing style is less violence to advance the plot, and more plot to advance the violence.
i have yet to read the new chapter but i did see a comment about celestia and luna needing to be revived so ill go on that for a moment. It is possible for both celestia and luna to be brought back and before you say huntsman what have you been smoking ill explain. If anyone here has what or has a good understanding of the anime fullmetal alchemist you konw that alchemy is a give and take if you give something you'll get something back in equal value. Works the same for bringing someone or in this case some pony or ponies back to life. If you were to give something that would be equal to the lives of celestia and luna in turn they could be brought back and the only thing to bring a life back is well to take another. Now that is one way of doing things which brings me to what i have to say next currently ponies are they only ones being affected by mandeville now what of the other races? What are they doing while all this is happening? like the zebras for instance and the one race that no one seems to think about the dragons. On that note of the dragons which comes into play for bringing luna and celestia back and such in the mlp universe dragons are the one thing we know next to nothing about but one thing i know is that dragons live very long lives it should be obvious where i am going with this by now but ill continue anyway. Since dragons live long lives they could now thing and do things that were thought impossible since really everything is to afraid to well talk to one or go near one that leaves my theory a possibility which is they could have knowledge on how to bring a creature to life.(yes i know i this has been long winded but this has been on my mind for a bit and i had a friend agree with me that it could be possible) i know this sounds crazy but it could be possible since really what has been said about dragons and there knowledge anything is possible if you consider it. My you this is just an idea i had my opinion if you will
2185273 It sounds like your concern is less "violence" and more "gore".
All the same, I think the more gratuitous and brutal bits of violence have thus far been major catalyzing events in the story. After all, nobody would be here without Spike's death, right? Or at least, I don't think the story would be as strong or personal without it, personally.
The branding scene was a rather horrific historical callback, and symbolic of the mark Mandeville has quite literally had on the Mane 6.
Trixie fulfilled her development and purpose in reconciling things with Twilight, fighting alongside her and nearly becoming friends, only for it all to be cut short in a scene of desperation and horror. As everyone is present to save Trixie, but find themselves helpless to effect her rescue.
And finally, Luna and Celestia meet their ends, altering the course of history and thereby setting the stage for the third act of the story. In their absence, the world is changed, hope is in short supply, and the means to make anything the slightest bit like it was seem impossibly out of reach. It is this task our heroes face. And it cannot be denied, to bring Equestria back, having come so far toward the brink, would be a deed the world would sing of forever.
I don't know, I can be gratuitous at times, and poor Rainy and Argyle might be the least useful example. But I usually do have a point. Could it still be effective otherwise? It'd probably take a damn talented writer, but maybe. I'm just doing the best I know how to do.
2186459*Breaths* anyway like i said its my thoughts on this though still ask what of the other races? and yes when i get on a topic i tend to go on and on about it and i find it sad that i am the one to notice it =\
2187183 Undoubtedly the haphazard solar patterns have by now attracted attention, but news outside Equestria regarding the new regime is barely trickling out at this point. Details are muddy, as the only real input the surrounding nations are getting have come from the accounts of refugees who opted on leaving Equestria entirely.
I go into this a bit in chapter twelve, but the thing is, let's say some other nations, —ally nations, enemy nations, whichever— get the full story. Do you think any of them are going to saddle-up and freaking INVADE the heart of Equestria, after understanding the rumors of a machine army, the deaths of the Princesses, and the alien being that now wields the combined power of BOTH?
Unless Mandeville becomes a clear and immediate danger to these other nations, the only thing they'll do about it is play the diplomacy card. A wobbly and inconsistent day/night cycle doesn't cut it, whatever they've threatened in the past. It's not enough to trigger a military response, not as long as day and night still, in fact, happen. They might not even employ sanctions, what with the conditions the ponies are evidently living under, and the largely unknown nature of Mandeville himself. Open war is a serious thing, and they would want to know EVERYTHING about their enemy's capabilities before risking their own people.
If Mandeville calls for eternal day or night or something, that might be one thing, but inconsistent =/= nonexistent.
2187622 you do have a point but even if there are not going to attack i doubt the lack of info would stop them from preparing for it. Your right that no nation would go into a fight blindly id imagine that all nations are gathers as much information on mandeville i know thats what i would do. Id also like to point out you would be very surprised on the reactions of more aggressive nations towards mandeville's rise to power that in itself i see as a huge threat. And just because i can say it i wonder how resistant mandeville's army is to dragons fire and such lol. Though now that gets me thinking the problem the ponies had with mandeville was lack of preparation and they were out numbered say if the other nations were to band together they could possible beat him this is just speculation though and i wan t to point out that anything can happen even the so called impossible if there is a threat to the world the old saying the enemy of my enemy is my friend ;).
2188863 That's the thing though. I'm sure given enough time, a military action would most likely be made. The problem is, Mandeville's forces are building and expanding like Bacteria. As long as Mandeville has the resources, he'll just keep making machines.
In the early days of his expansion, it might just be possible for a military force to have some effect. But as time passes, it's only going to become harder to hit him where he lives. Adrian Mandeville is a coward, and he'll protect himself with the determination of one.
2189037 true true but remember everything has a weakness and mandeville being a coward is his weakness. Strategy is the best way to win a fight and using your enemy's weakness against them. For example if the nations came together and attacked in force they could win but if they were to launch a sneak attack as well the chances of winning are greater but this is if they could work together but once again as soon as you have a common enemy working together becomes more possible. War is not about brute strength and numbers sometimes its all strategy. Id also like to go on this is the most interesting conversation i ever had =) (i am getting the feeling i am starting a dumb argument so ya no more)
Comment posted by dashdlkashd deleted Jun 22nd, 2017
Ah well, I can at least promise the next thing I do will involve character animation, among other things. Just have to get Nahka's pony models to function in 3DStudio Max...
I DID have those tags at one point, actually. Problem was though, I got corrected about them. Genre tags are intended as covering the overall tone and focus of a story. The story has sad things happen, yes. The story has tragic things happen, yes. But the story itself is an adventure tale at heart. "Sad" doesn't do well to paint the story at large. And tragedy explicitly states that the story ENDS in tragedy. This tale may yet become a tragedy, but to say whether it is or not in the tags is to reveal too much about the story.
Also, while I'm glad to be inciting emotional reactions and getting my readers invested, I'm sorry to be the cause of any emotional pain. All I can tell you is that Equestria won't be the same when this is over, whatever happens. Even breaking even would be an enormous victory for Equestria. But however bleak things seem, hope is not yet lost.
2267654 I know, but I'm still upset about Spike, even now. The little guy had one bad-ass moment, and then he got killed. I like badass Spike. Nice story and you're a good author, but I will continue to cry, if only for the bleak darkness that may come before a gray dawn.
Yeah, that's one thing I know about giving the axe to a major character: you've got to have it be during their crowning moment, to go down swinging, to give them the chance at victory and just rob them of it. Letting Spike get into his full potential for asskicking seemed like the best way to have done the deed. Thoroughly humiliating the main antagonist and making him flee for his very life didn't hurt either, and helped to emphasize Mandeville's trait of being an absolute chickenshit coward.
Comment posted by dashdlkashd deleted Jun 22nd, 2017
Basically, Mandeville is all like "Why aren't you grateful for being my friend while I have everyone you love with a gun against their head?" Seriously, this man has no idea what friendship is. Truly, a man-devil.
And the truth will set you free!
Grim tidings for the ponies of Equestria. Now that Mandoville's won, he seems to be pretty lax with his ruling, letting CAIRO do all the dirty work. It's like he's grown bored of the whole thing already.
Can't say much more otherwise I get into spoiler territory, but a little light has shown in the dark and it looks like things might be turning around.
I'll admit, you had me fooled. A mighty fine ruse, you cruel, cruel man. Excellent chapter.
Good, I was right in giving this next chapter a chance.
You're still an ass for that cliffhanger 'though.
And still no hope for Equestria unless Twilight somehow ascends and becomes twice as powerful as Celestia.
AHA! I KNEW IT!! SHE"S ALIVE!
...okay, maybe I didn't really know it...
...okay, fine. I actually believed she was dead. But still... Excellent chapter.
adrians ganna be pissed..
There was a big hint in Adrian's dialogue in the previous chapter, and I knew he was too fond of Twilight to off her at all, for any reason, really. Bravo, though. I love the fanfic and am eager for more!
I must admit, I thought of the mirror pool when you mentioned "A well made mannequin" but The reason I didn't follow that theory is because I was baffled as to how they would get there, or even know about it, not realizing Mandeville had teleportation abilities, and was suddenly profficient enough with them to move both Twilight and himself to it's exact location on nothing more than a rhyme found in an old book that Twilight didn't even know about. I did find it odd that he would just kill Twilight, after showing protective feelings for her, but there really wasn't much out of place. 'Twas a clever ruse, and by golly you've done it again. No tearjerkers this time, but still a great chapter, and wonderful use of predated season three content. i232.photobucket.com/albums/ee270/Asriel16Asi/My%20Little%20Pony%20Friendship%20is%20Magic/Twilight-clap.gif
Am eagerly waiting to see how they dig themselves out of this mess. And do I sense that Twilight actually wants to go back to Mandeville? As in, She appeared to be enjoying *his* company as well.
Still too brutal for a good MLP story.
[sacrasm] Hooray. Twilight's not dead. Let there be rejoicing. [/sarcasm]
Equestria's still screwed because Mandeville is a sociopath and doesn't take his newly-appropriated duties seriously. Unless CAIRO can be convinced to turn on Mandeville, Mandeville will eventually wreck the whole planet. And even if CAIRO does make a heel-face turn (to use a wrestling term), Mandeville controls the day/night cycle and can't be effectively defeated without killing him, which will doom the planet.
Either Celestia and Luna get resurrected, or Equestria will die a slow death under its new neglectful and destructive overlord.
In summary, still too dark.
PS: Those ponies getting killed by Timberwolves? That felt like unnecessary violence for the sake of violence.
2183283
What in the world, I made a post and it just vanished...
Lol, so having some higher stakes is too dark? Speaking of too dark, I'm pretty sure the consequences of a stopped day/night cycle would have been about as pronounced in Nightmare Moon's hayday.
And if you're telling me you're getting a vibe of hopelessness from the current predicament, well... sorry, but it sounds like the story is producing the desired effect
As to Rainy Days and Argyle... well, you got the robot drone equivalent of having your hand chopped-off as a thief, and became a wounded pony in a town now occupied primarily by the local wildlife. And the carnivores have learned to back off the shiny white three-legged things, but come running when a big "bang" sound fills the air, because that probably means food...
I dunno man, it's a dystopian showcase: the scene portrays the status quo, and in just what ways terrible things can happen and WILL happen given the new order. As those two weren't going to feature prominently into the story, I couldn't exactly have them head home after barely escaping and then NEVER mention them again. Everyone would just wonder what they'd be doing later, and I'd have nothing for 'em. *shrug*
2183717
High stakes is one thing. The last few chapters, starting with Trixie's method of death, leave me with the feeling that your writing style is less violence to advance the plot, and more plot to advance the violence.
i have yet to read the new chapter but i did see a comment about celestia and luna needing to be revived so ill go on that for a moment. It is possible for both celestia and luna to be brought back and before you say huntsman what have you been smoking ill explain. If anyone here has what or has a good understanding of the anime fullmetal alchemist you konw that alchemy is a give and take if you give something you'll get something back in equal value. Works the same for bringing someone or in this case some pony or ponies back to life. If you were to give something that would be equal to the lives of celestia and luna in turn they could be brought back and the only thing to bring a life back is well to take another. Now that is one way of doing things which brings me to what i have to say next currently ponies are they only ones being affected by mandeville now what of the other races? What are they doing while all this is happening? like the zebras for instance and the one race that no one seems to think about the dragons. On that note of the dragons which comes into play for bringing luna and celestia back and such in the mlp universe dragons are the one thing we know next to nothing about but one thing i know is that dragons live very long lives it should be obvious where i am going with this by now but ill continue anyway. Since dragons live long lives they could now thing and do things that were thought impossible since really everything is to afraid to well talk to one or go near one that leaves my theory a possibility which is they could have knowledge on how to bring a creature to life.(yes i know i this has been long winded but this has been on my mind for a bit and i had a friend agree with me that it could be possible) i know this sounds crazy but it could be possible since really what has been said about dragons and there knowledge anything is possible if you consider it. My you this is just an idea i had my opinion if you will
2185507
Good god man, breathe!
2185273
It sounds like your concern is less "violence" and more "gore".
All the same, I think the more gratuitous and brutal bits of violence have thus far been major catalyzing events in the story. After all, nobody would be here without Spike's death, right? Or at least, I don't think the story would be as strong or personal without it, personally.
The branding scene was a rather horrific historical callback, and symbolic of the mark Mandeville has quite literally had on the Mane 6.
Trixie fulfilled her development and purpose in reconciling things with Twilight, fighting alongside her and nearly becoming friends, only for it all to be cut short in a scene of desperation and horror. As everyone is present to save Trixie, but find themselves helpless to effect her rescue.
And finally, Luna and Celestia meet their ends, altering the course of history and thereby setting the stage for the third act of the story. In their absence, the world is changed, hope is in short supply, and the means to make anything the slightest bit like it was seem impossibly out of reach. It is this task our heroes face. And it cannot be denied, to bring Equestria back, having come so far toward the brink, would be a deed the world would sing of forever.
I don't know, I can be gratuitous at times, and poor Rainy and Argyle might be the least useful example. But I usually do have a point. Could it still be effective otherwise? It'd probably take a damn talented writer, but maybe. I'm just doing the best I know how to do.
2186459*Breaths* anyway like i said its my thoughts on this though still ask what of the other races? and yes when i get on a topic i tend to go on and on about it and i find it sad that i am the one to notice it =\
2187183
Undoubtedly the haphazard solar patterns have by now attracted attention, but news outside Equestria regarding the new regime is barely trickling out at this point. Details are muddy, as the only real input the surrounding nations are getting have come from the accounts of refugees who opted on leaving Equestria entirely.
I go into this a bit in chapter twelve, but the thing is, let's say some other nations, —ally nations, enemy nations, whichever— get the full story. Do you think any of them are going to saddle-up and freaking INVADE the heart of Equestria, after understanding the rumors of a machine army, the deaths of the Princesses, and the alien being that now wields the combined power of BOTH?
Unless Mandeville becomes a clear and immediate danger to these other nations, the only thing they'll do about it is play the diplomacy card. A wobbly and inconsistent day/night cycle doesn't cut it, whatever they've threatened in the past. It's not enough to trigger a military response, not as long as day and night still, in fact, happen. They might not even employ sanctions, what with the conditions the ponies are evidently living under, and the largely unknown nature of Mandeville himself. Open war is a serious thing, and they would want to know EVERYTHING about their enemy's capabilities before risking their own people.
If Mandeville calls for eternal day or night or something, that might be one thing, but inconsistent =/= nonexistent.
well that explains a lot.
2187622 you do have a point but even if there are not going to attack i doubt the lack of info would stop them from preparing for it. Your right that no nation would go into a fight blindly id imagine that all nations are gathers as much information on mandeville i know thats what i would do. Id also like to point out you would be very surprised on the reactions of more aggressive nations towards mandeville's rise to power that in itself i see as a huge threat. And just because i can say it i wonder how resistant mandeville's army is to dragons fire and such lol. Though now that gets me thinking the problem the ponies had with mandeville was lack of preparation and they were out numbered say if the other nations were to band together they could possible beat him this is just speculation though and i wan t to point out that anything can happen even the so called impossible if there is a threat to the world the old saying the enemy of my enemy is my friend ;).
2188863 That's the thing though. I'm sure given enough time, a military action would most likely be made. The problem is, Mandeville's forces are building and expanding like Bacteria. As long as Mandeville has the resources, he'll just keep making machines.
In the early days of his expansion, it might just be possible for a military force to have some effect. But as time passes, it's only going to become harder to hit him where he lives. Adrian Mandeville is a coward, and he'll protect himself with the determination of one.
Time is simply not a luxury they have.
2189037 true true but remember everything has a weakness and mandeville being a coward is his weakness. Strategy is the best way to win a fight and using your enemy's weakness against them. For example if the nations came together and attacked in force they could win but if they were to launch a sneak attack as well the chances of winning are greater but this is if they could work together but once again as soon as you have a common enemy working together becomes more possible. War is not about brute strength and numbers sometimes its all strategy. Id also like to go on this is the most interesting conversation i ever had =) (i am getting the feeling i am starting a dumb argument so ya no more)
video was interesting well done
This story should have a sad tag, or a tragedy. It makes me cry every time, or bang my head on a wall because Mandeville is such a belligerent A-hole.
Please make him lose, I want to see Equestria happy again. Please
2264187
Well, it IS just a teaser-trailer :\
Ah well, I can at least promise the next thing I do will involve character animation, among other things. Just have to get Nahka's pony models to function in 3DStudio Max...
2265900
I DID have those tags at one point, actually. Problem was though, I got corrected about them. Genre tags are intended as covering the overall tone and focus of a story. The story has sad things happen, yes. The story has tragic things happen, yes. But the story itself is an adventure tale at heart. "Sad" doesn't do well to paint the story at large. And tragedy explicitly states that the story ENDS in tragedy. This tale may yet become a tragedy, but to say whether it is or not in the tags is to reveal too much about the story.
Also, while I'm glad to be inciting emotional reactions and getting my readers invested, I'm sorry to be the cause of any emotional pain. All I can tell you is that Equestria won't be the same when this is over, whatever happens. Even breaking even would be an enormous victory for Equestria. But however bleak things seem, hope is not yet lost.
2267654 I know, but I'm still upset about Spike, even now. The little guy had one bad-ass moment, and then he got killed. I like badass Spike. Nice story and you're a good author, but I will continue to cry, if only for the bleak darkness that may come before a gray dawn.
2268121
Thanks :-)
Yeah, that's one thing I know about giving the axe to a major character: you've got to have it be during their crowning moment, to go down swinging, to give them the chance at victory and just rob them of it. Letting Spike get into his full potential for asskicking seemed like the best way to have done the deed. Thoroughly humiliating the main antagonist and making him flee for his very life didn't hurt either, and helped to emphasize Mandeville's trait of being an absolute chickenshit coward.
I got an email saying there's a new chapter for this, but I don't see one.
Definitely the best fanfic I have ever read. It was interesting to see Twilight's feelings towards Mandeville change over time. Please write moar!
Basically, Mandeville is all like "Why aren't you grateful for being my friend while I have everyone you love with a gun against their head?" Seriously, this man has no idea what friendship is. Truly, a man-devil.
2907493
No argument there, He had good intentions, just not the right mindset.