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Filly Twilight189 stories ·497 members

Twilight's years at Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns

Twilight has been accepted into PCSGU, this is the story of how she became Princess Celestia's personal protégé. Its not completed at all so unless I say its stopped, its still continuing.

(Instead of the friendless Twilight depicted in the show, in my story, Twilight has a few close friends.)

Chapters (3)

Prologue · 27th Nov 2014 · 168 words
168
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Chapter 1: School orientation · 28th Nov 2014 · 1,999 words
1,999
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Chapter 2: First Day of School · 5th Dec 2014 · 2,906 words
2,906
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Comments ( 5 )

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MehWasAlreadyTaken

MehWasAlreadyTaken #1 · Nov 28th, 2014 · · · Prologue ·

Okay,
1. remove the parenthesis. We know what happened in the show, and it's immersion breaking. (not like there was any immersion so early on though)
2. "Yes Twiley, we were there, and we are soo proud of you!" Giving Twilight a big bear hug.
You never specified who was speaking here, and the sentence is a bit clunky. Try this:
"Yes Twily, we were there, and we are so proud of you!" said [iunno, Shiny?] while giving Twilight a big bear hug.

LotusRaven