Twilight has been accepted into PCSGU, this is the story of how she became Princess Celestia's personal protégé. Its not completed at all so unless I say its stopped, its still continuing.
(Instead of the friendless Twilight depicted in the show, in my story, Twilight has a few close friends.)
Okay,
1. remove the parenthesis. We know what happened in the show, and it's immersion breaking. (not like there was any immersion so early on though)
2. "Yes Twiley, we were there, and we are soo proud of you!" Giving Twilight a big bear hug.
You never specified who was speaking here, and the sentence is a bit clunky. Try this:
"Yes Twily, we were there, and we are so proud of you!" said [iunno, Shiny?] while giving Twilight a big bear hug.
To: MehWasAlreadyTaken
Thanks for the comment and suggestions I'll take that into consideration. Working on Chapter 2 as we speak Thanks for reading.
LotusRaven
I love it.
cool story
NUHHHHHHHHHHHH I NEED MORE