Nopony Left Behind

thewookie1

thewookie1 #1 · Apr 26th, 2012 · · ·

Reply

Hmmm, you have me interested...

Terikat

Terikat #2 · Apr 26th, 2012 · · ·

Reply

What thewookie1 said.

SterlingNomad

SterlingNomad #3 · Apr 26th, 2012 · · ·

Reply

I don't mean to nitpick...

BUT ITS PINKE

Sorry, just needed to get that out of my system We may now begin in earnest. So, carrying on...
Have you heard of the phrase 'Show, Don't Tell'? Because it applies here. There are quite a few times here where you simply stated what was happening, without explaining it in emotional detail. Basically what I mean is... Don't just tell us what they do, But how they do it, and then what that signifies about what they're feeling. For example.

“I’m no medic, but that looks like a nasty blow there.” Soarin was examining Myth’s head, turning it this way and that in order to get a better view. “You girls take care of her, I’ll get a doctor.” He took off.

Consider what you've written for a sec. Soarin notes the blow on Myths head, studies it briefly, before doing the honorable thing and finding someone far better qualified then he. That's okay, But its not great, and here's a few things you could have mentioned that stuck out in my mind.

Why had Soarin followed Rainbow over? Was he doing of his own volition, or was he asked to join her? How does rainbow feel about this sudden show of possible affection? Is she flustered, over joyed, or simply annoyed at how he fails to meet expectations? What does Myth notice about the wonderbolt? Anypony in a military uniform coming over to say 'hi' simply can't be good for out little changling? whats it like being manhandled by the enemy? Does she feel hate, fear, or confusion? As Soarin 'takes off' is he genuinely concerned? Is he showing off to Rainbow Dash? How does Myth Feel now that her cover is in serious danger of being blown?

There is so much opportunity for some more storytelling to occur that it hurts. Think about how you could have re written it.

For example:

"I'm no medic, but that looks like a nasty blow there!" Stated the uniformed unicorn matter-of-factly, and it made Myth seeth in anger. How dare he have the gall to manhandle her in such a way, tossing her head back and forth in a mock show of care. All the while, he seemed to be far too distracted with where the blue one was looking, and Myth could almost see his eyes drop as he noticed that she was quite a bit more interested her pink friend's antics than his heroics. Myth failed to keep a smug grin off her face as she turned to face the dejected stallion.

He had almost completely forgotten Myth was even there in his hooves, and it was not until she cleared her throat rather loudly that he recalled her existence, meeting her bored gaze with the sheepish look of a colt who'd been caught red handed. While stunned for a few seconds, it did not take long for the valiant stallion to regain his composure and a glint in his eye. With an cheeky grin on his face he hopped into the air, his powerful wings keeping him aloft with only a minimal of effort it seemed, and began to speak in a manner that was so embarrassing, Myth couldn't help but cringe

"You Girls, " He began with a flourishing tone, and one that was much too loud for the occasion, considering the ponies were only a meter away, discussing this and that in hushed tones. "You take care of her," and he pointed an accusing hoof at Myth, who, now under the piercing gaze of her captors froze like a deer in a spotlight, "I shall get a Doctor!"and he sped off holding one hoof out in front of the other in a pointless show of masculinity. Subtlety was apparently not a trait known by many an equestrian.

See how much nicer it is to read about? He's just not a just a title, with the express purpose of 'getting a doctor', he's a living character, with wants, needs and desires like every pony else. Now think about awesome writing everyone like that would be! Its tough to do, but it comes with practice and a good outlook on the world.

Now that brings me onto the other point I wanted to raise. Timing.

This is the bane of my existence, and quite a few other burgeoning authors as well, but its without a doubt necessary. You need to give your characters time to breath. The reader needs it to flow pleasingly for them to venture further into the story and because readers are a hard-to-please bunch, they all require different strains of fluidity. This can be achieved by.. oh well that's convenient.. 'Show don't Tell'. By telling people what happens, its quite easy for writing to become choppy and hard to follow, because so many important themes are being foregone that the reader gets stuck trying to understand what you want them to see.

Now, If this is comment feels a bit convoluted, or too brief, I recommend giving the EQD Writers Omnibus a quick read. If this comment makes good sense, and you can now see all those niggly little things that are holding you back, go read the EQD Writers Omnibus. If you hate my guts, and are now overcome with the desire to down vote every comment, bloke post or story I submit, please refrain from doing so, and go read the EQD Writers Omnibus. I'm serious. They have everything you need to know, and they do it in a way that's not like reading a physics textbook.

So go, continue your quest for literary fame and fortune, and good luck!

Ps:

Read the Omnibus
It'll grow balls on your chest and hair on your eyeballs.

SQRT(-2)

SQRT(-2) #4 · Apr 26th, 2012 · · ·

Reply

502313
Thanks for the input. I will have to take this into consideration. My language skills have never been the best. Thanks.

trufla

trufla #5 · Apr 26th, 2012 · · ·

Reply

All right, color me interested. (If you're curious, in my case that works out to be pretty close to this hue.

That being said, you've got a start here, but it needs fleshing out. SterlingNomad covered the big points already, and I have to agree that timing is a point that needs some work. On the other hoof, if you expand the scenes so that we are getting more of a look into why things are happening instead of just a quick "x occurs", I think that the timing will mostly solve itself.

I'll be looking forward to more from you on this front.

Pony Paradox

Pony Paradox #6 · Apr 27th, 2012 · · ·

Reply

Aww, man, you have a great idea here. Really, this has a lot of potential; all you lack is in execution. The comments above me have already outlined why, so I really have little to add in that regard, but I think this has the potential to be great, if you work at it.

SQRT(-2)

SQRT(-2) #7 · Apr 27th, 2012 · · ·

Reply

Thanks. I am working on the second revision of the first chapter. I hope to have it ready for review in a few days. I will have a couple people look at it this time before posting. Peer review is important.

Grazy Polomare