The Tale of the Shadow Pony

by Phantasma Eeria

It turns out it isn't a cutie mark

It Turns Out It Isn’t A Cutie Mark…
I wander around Ponyville aimlessly, everything seems the same, but everywhere I look everypony has vanished, I look up and see the sky, with the sun blazing in all its glory. I wonder where everypony has gone, when I feel my hooves fall through the ground. That’s when I realise I have fallen off a cliff. I panic and wish I have wings so I can escape almost certain doom. Amazingly two black wings emitting a seemingly fibrous shroud of black fog, sprout from my back. I flap my new wings as hard as I can and escape from the crevasse. Looking down at the scar in the ground, there is a point where all light has gone, the ravine seems endless. I tear my head away and watch helplessly as my face hits Twilight’s Castle. Then I wake up.

I sit up in my bed and rub my muzzle, which seems to be aching for some reason. Out of the window, I see that sunrise is yet to come, so I lay my head down on my pillow and try to doze off again. I find that it is incredibly difficult, due to a newfound discomfort. I get out of bed straighten everything out, make sure there is nothing under the covers that shouldn’t be and get back in bed. I once again lay my head on the pillow and, this time, successfully doze off.

I seem to be in another world, where everypony walks on two legs, and has a weird appendage at the end of their equivalent of a foreleg. Looking down at my hooves, I notice that I am wearing red boots, with orange stripes, and have turned into one of the strange creatures. I seem to be able to walk on two legs rather easily, I worry that my worst nightmare has come true and that I have lost my horn, but reaching up to check, I find I have still got it. I turn around quickly and walk straight into a door.

Once again waking up and looking out of the window, I see that the sun has risen on Equestria, and realise that the Crusaders will be coming around soon to help me find out how I got my cutie mark, because that is still a mystery to me. I get myself out of bed, head into the bathroom, and get a shower. I notice that my muzzle no longer hurts and that everything seems lower down now, but I just get on with my daily ablutions. That is until I brush my teeth. I levitate the toothbrush, put toothpaste on it and lift it up to my teeth. As I brush, I look in the mirror, and to my horror, I am no longer a pony, I am an alicorn version of one of the strange creatures from my dream. Although my base features are the right colour, my wings are exactly the same as the ones from my first dream.

I scream in terror and end up falling on my flank. Pulling myself up, I begin to pace around the foyer, wondering how in Celestia’s name this happened. I decide that I will be going to Canterlot to see the aforementioned princess, and her sister Luna, to see if they have any explanation for this. Knock, Knock, Knock! I hear coming from the door, causing me to jump. “Who is it?” I as anxiously, not intending on letting anypony in just yet.
“It’s us, the Cutie Mark Crusaders” reply three voices in unison, one squeaking slightly.
“One minute girls, I’m just getting ready” I respond, disregarding the fact that there is a window next to my door.

I drop to my knees, and cry into my arms, wishing that I wasn’t one of these things, and that I didn’t have wings. As the Crusaders look in through the window they see a black shroud envelop a strange red creature that slightly resembles the new pony. The black shroud causes the wings on its back to shrink back into its spine, its arms lengthen and grow fur, and a similar thing happens to its legs, its hands flatten, its fingers merging together into a hoof, and its ears and muzzle lengthen. I feel a warm furry sensation on my face and look up to see that I have hooves, my coat is back, I still have my horn, the wings are gone, and I am back to my normal self.

I open the door and, staring in with horrified expressions are the Cutie Mark Crusaders. I ask what is wrong and they tell me what they saw. My heart sinks as they recall what just happened, and I simply ask if they can go fetch Twilight, Rainbow, Fluttershy, and Rarity. I tell them that I need them to meet me by the town hall, and that I will ask Pinkie to come with me to meet them. “What about mah sister Applejack?” asks Apple Bloom. “Who?” I respond in turn. “Mah sister, she’s one of Twilight’s friends” Apple Bloom responds. “I guess she should come too, wait doesn’t your sister represent the element of honesty?” I say to Apple Bloom

“She did, I’ll go get her” the addressed filly says, before hurrying off to get her sister. The other fillies say that they will bring Twilight and her friends to the Town Hall, before hurrying off after Apple Bloom. I sigh; turn to Sugarcube Corner, and cross the threshold. Upon entering, I am greeted by Mrs. Cake. “Hello Mrs. Cake, I’m looking for Pinkie, is she in?” I ask, hopefully. “Yes dear, she’s in the back, first door on your left.” replies the baker. Arriving at the room Mrs. Cake described, I knock on the door, and slowly open the door. There in the centre of the room, eating a whole three-tier cake is Pinkie. “Pinkie, I’m going to see the princess, and would appreciate it if you came, I could do with your support.” I say to the party pony.

Pinkie Pie turns and bounces towards me, saying “Okie Dokie Lokie”. With that, we head to the Town Hall. When we arrive, Twilight, Rarity, Rainbow, Fluttershy, and an orange mare, with blond hair, adorning a Stetson, whom I assume to be Applejack, are waiting for us. “Hello, I’m Phantasma Eeria, I moved here recently, I take it that you are Applejack, the fabled embodiment of honesty” I say, introducing myself to the mare I am newly acquainted with. “Eeyup, How’re yah?” Applejack responds. “Troubled, you will all find out why shortly. Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, would you mind accompanying us, I may need your help.” I say to the group. The fillies excitedly nod their heads, and we head out to the train station.

Once on the train, the ten of us find an ample-sized empty compartment, and take a seat around a table. I ask the Crusaders to recount what they saw earlier, when they were looking through my window. When the fillies finish, everypony who hasn’t heard the story, has their jaw dropped, except Pinkie. Twilight is first to close her mouth, replacing her dropped jaw for a quizzical expression. “So why did that happen?” asks the princess. “Twilight, I can honestly say I haven’t the slightest idea.” I reply. I tell them that the scenario of this morning is the reason that I want to go to the Celestial Princesses, or to put it simply, Princess Luna and Princess Celestia.

Applejack looks at me sceptically, and asks whether this actually happened. I tell her that to the best of my knowledge it is true. AJ rids herself of her sceptical expression, but her body language says that she is still in a state of disbelief. I rest my head on my hoof and wonder how I can prove to them that it happened, and then I remember the wings. I close my eyes and inhale, envisioning myself with jet-black wings, emanating a fibrous mist of shadow. I open my eyes and concentrate on the image I created in my mind. My horn sparks momentarily, before long black tendrils emerge out of my back, bend into a wing shape and long, dark, shadowy feathers sprout from the bone joined to my back.

I spread my new wings wide, a smirk on my face, and look at the amazed faces from all of the fully-grown mares. I look at the Crusaders, who have wide grins on their faces, and raise my eyebrows in a way that says “How’s this for a magic trick?” Pinkie pokes one of my wings, and it twitches. Rainbow Dash asks if they work, and I tell her to come and see. Fluttershy cowers in fright, at the possibility of her friends getting hurt. Twilight accompanies Rainbow and I to catch me if I fail at flying. Before we leave, I remove my wings, and open the door.

When we get onto the roof of the train, I regrow my wings and spread them, fanning the feathers out and quickly preening them, as they seem to me made of solid shadow. Twilight stands at my rear and Rainbow Dash stands in front of me, opens out her wings, and takes off. Taking a deep breath, I leap up and begin to glide. Realising that I’m no longer touching the ground I panic a little, before I remember about the wings. I flap my wings and stop descending, seeing Rainbow Dash in front of me, I fly towards her. “How about a bit of friendly competition?” I ask Rainbow with a demeanour that implies that I could beat her. Not entirely unexpectedly, she agrees, we come up with a course, and set off.
As we duck and weave, between pillars of rock, through arches, performing stunts, Rainbow Dash is in the lead, but not by much. I manage to cut through Rainbow’s lead like a hot knife through butter. The blue mare looks sideways and sees me, keeping up with her beat for beat, as she flies at her fastest, before slowly pulling away. I feel my wings tiring, my breathing quickening, and my head lightens as my stamina is drained. We come to the final stretch of the race, and I fly upwards in an arc, before turning head over heels, and diving to reach a great speed.

I streak past Rainbow at the fastest speed I have ever hit, and hit the train carriage in front of Twilight. Rainbow Dash lands besides me, mouth gaping stuttering “How?” I smile at Rainbow and say “Turns out they do work.” Twilight, Rainbow and I head back into our carriage. Fluttershy looks at us and asks if anypony got hurt, to which, we reply “No, we are all fine” simultaneously. Pinkie hops around asking if the wings worked, I hover above the ground and ask her to tell me.

When we arrive in Canterlot, we have a quick look around; Rarity buys some fabrics, and other miscellaneous materials and we slowly make our way to the castle. When we arrive there are a few guards stood outside of the doors. They stop us and look us over, before letting the majority of us through, I am left on the wrong side of the door as Twilight, her friends and the Crusaders are let through. I call “Twilight, a little help please.” Twilight tells the guards that I am with her and her friends. I enter the castle and, upon looking around, I become awestruck.

Twilight guides us to the throne room and there, sat on two thrones, one golden, one dark blue, sit Celestia and Luna. When we reach the Princesses, I instinctively bow to the princesses, before looking around and notice nopony is doing the same. I hastily get back up on my hooves, and wait in the middle of the small crowd present before the ruling sisters. Twilight tells Celestia why she is here, and the crowd splits to turn the attention to me. I cower slightly, and wave a little. Luna looks at me inquisitively, while Celestia says “There is no need to be afraid, my little pony, I care for all my subjects and thus will help to solve all their problems.”

“No offense to you or your sister your highnesses, but I don’t think you will be able to solve this problem, you may however be able to help me figure out the origin of it” I respond in sincerity. Celestia’s brow furrows, as I say this, and it scares me a little, but steeling my nerves, I ask the Crusaders to recall what they saw when they banged on my door about two hours ago. The fillies tell the princesses exactly what they saw, causing Celestia’s eyes to widen in shock and disbelief. Noticing the expression on her face, I ask the solar princess if she wants proof, to which she replies “If you have any, I would like to see it.”

I think of a way that I can prove to the princesses that the story is true. Lighting my horn, I envelop my entire body in a black shroud, my legs shorten, my fur turns to scales, the hooves on my hindlegs are replaced with feet, and the hooves on my forelegs become arms. My mane turns into a ridge of orange-tipped, scarlet scales, and my tail turns into a reptilian one and identical scales sprout from it. Celestia’s eye twitches and Luna’s jaw drops, as they stare at me. Turning myself into a baby dragon worked, I reach up to feel my scales, but a bony appendage blocks my way. I ask for a mirror and looking into it, see that my horn is still present.

I change my shape once again, this time into a pegasus, however the horn remains. “How peculiar, I wonder why my horn will not change, or go completely” I think aloud. “What I want to know is why the black shroud comes from you cutie mark.” Celestia replies. I wonder what else this new ability enables me to do, so covering my hooves in the black mist; I walk to the nearest wall and put my forehooves against it. Pulling myself up, I place my rear hooves against the wall and much to my surprise, I do not fall, nor do I slip even a millimetre. I try to walk, and manage to reach the ceiling with no issues.

Employing the same tactic as before, I stand on the ceiling, and walk about. I light up my horn and the black tendrils that originate from my cutie mark take the shape of a top hat and monocle, adorned on my face. “Hello everypony, what a marvellous day this is, perfect for drinking tea and eating a scone” I say, materialising a shadowy teacup, saucer and scone in front of me, giggling as I do so. Pinkie Pie laughs, Fluttershy winces and cowers, and Rainbow Dash flies up to me smiling, everypony else just rolls their eyes unamused. I lift my hindlegs off the ceiling and carefully drop down, before vanishing the top hat, monocle, teacup and saucer.

I stop smiling and ask Celestia if she has any knowledge of my condition. “I have some but not much, the only pony I know, besides you, who can do that sort of trick is King Sombra” She says trailing off a little at the end. “Do you mean the pony who tried to take over the Crystal Empire, the one who was turned to shadow?” I ask. Celestia simply nods her head macabrely. Everypony in the room swallows simultaneously, looking at me. “Wait does that mean I am a shadow?” I ask scared, and confused. Celestia says that there is a simple test to see if I am in fact made of shadow. I reluctantly give consent for the solar princess to perform the test. Celestia’s horn glows bright yellow, and a beam of light erupts from it, burning a hole through my right foreleg.

“First of all OUCH! Secondly, how does that prove if somepony is a shadow or not?” I ask an evident tone of anger present in my voice. Celestia replies “The beam of light will not pass through anything other than shadow, observe” with that she lights up her horn again, and a beam of light hits Twilight, causing no damage to her. “Great, looks like I’m a freaking shadow, could this day get any worse?” I say rhetorically. Celestia tells me that Sombra was banished, and that she fears she will have to do the same to me. “NO!” I shout desperately “You can’t,” tears begin to form in my eyes “Princess Celestia, please I’m begging you” I begin to cry “Please don’t banish me, Please” I curl up into a ball, and sob, my body visibly shakes as I cry to myself, meanwhile a visible puddle of salty tears forms. Princess Luna looks at Celestia sympathetically, and walks over to me, before sitting and putting her hoof on my side, a caring expression on her face.

“Sister, you can’t,” Luna says “Sombra was pure evil, this pony wouldn’t hurt anything, I know, I have seen her dreams, or nightmares…” My ear flicks up as I hear this, “Did you say that you have seen my dreams?” I ask Luna, my voice hoarse, and tears are dripping from my muzzle. Luna nods. “If you’ve seen my dreams, how come I have never seen you?” I reply. Luna says that she sees everypony’s dreams, but doesn’t always let the pony know she is there, other times she catches glimpses of a dream as she wanders the dreamscape, looking for somepony having a particularly tormenting dream, such as Scootaloo. The orange filly blushes as Luna says this, and hides behind Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom.

Celestia looks at Luna with a slight scowl, Luna returning Celestia’s gaze with a scowl of her own. Celestia gives in after a short amount of time, and agrees not to banish me to the icy wastelands of the Arctic North. I rejoice, and hug Luna, nearly causing the princess of the night to lose her balance. I realise what I have done too little too late, and apologise profusely, my face crimson. I hastily step behind Twilight and hope Luna can’t see me. Celestia looks at me, a slightly shocked, yet still judging expression lingering on her muzzle.

“Does anypony know what the thing on my flank is, or is it just a cutie mark?” I ask concerned, as the question has been bugging me for a while. Twilight and her friends shake their heads, with Luna following suit, Celestia however bites her lip. “What do you know?” I ask, with my brow furrowed. “The thing on your flank is not a cutie mark; it is a mark, but not one gained by finding a talent. I know not how a pony gets one, but I do know that it is what gives a shadow pony its abilities and cannot be removed.” Princess Celestia states. My heart sinks as Celestia says ‘is not a cutie mark’ as I had been hoping that I had finally found what I am good at.

“Thank you for your time Princesses, and thank you for stopping your sister banishing me, like she did Sombra, Luna” I say, courteously bowing to the Royal Sisters. The company about turns and leaves the castle, murmurs of what my mark is, coming into existence. I look at the fillies at my side and wink at them. When we get to the centre of Canterlot we wander around, and I buy a top hat, monocle, and false pipe, that emits a smoke effect. Adorning these, I look at the Crusaders and smile, enticing grins out of the three fillies. “You know, I still don’t have a cutie mark…” I say to Scootaloo, Apple Bloom, and Sweetie Belle. The fillies look at me, eyes wide and partially covered by their cheeks as they smile wide.

We finally get to the train station, and when the train arrives, we find another empty carriage, and fill it. Talk turns to what I’m going to do now, I say that I want to find out what the thing on my flank is, and that I would like a fun way to get to know some of the ponies who live in Ponyville. Pinkie jumps up and shouts “A PARTY!” I roll my eyes slightly and say “Ok Pinkie, you can throw a party if you like, make it the best party I’ve ever seen, or I will be disappointed,” furrowing one side of my brow as I say the last bit. Pinkie jumps in delight at the thought of throwing another party.

Arriving in Ponyville, we head to Sugarcube Corner for something to eat and drink. I ask Twilight if she has any books that might hold information about my mark. Twilight invites me to her castle to have a look, so after finishing my food and drink, I walk to the crystal castle that towers above the rest of Ponyville. Twilight shows me to the library of the castle, and I see a large selection of books, some of them are slightly charred, others look recently bought. As I search for a book that may contain the information I am seeking, a purple baby dragon with green ridge-scales and a dressing gown enters the room. I turn around and see the dragon and jump in fright, leaping up to the ceiling of the library, standing, coat on end, upside down with my hooves glued to the top of the room.

“Spike, This is Phantasma Eeria” Twilight says pointing up at me. Spike looks around for me, and then takes notice of Twilight’s hoof and looking up at me. “Twilight, next time tell me when a dragon is about to walk into the room please” I say shaking, before growing wings, flying down to the floor and dispelling them. Spike’s jaw drops, and his eyes visibly bulge when he sees this. I lift my hoof up under Spike’s jaw and attempt to close it, but it just flops back open. “How did you…?” Spike asks with a dazed look on his face. “How did I what?” I ask Spike, before conjuring up hands and combing them through my mane.

“How are you doing that?” the baby dragon asks in sheer bewilderment. “Doing what?” I reply, looking at my nails, and making them red. “Spike, she’s a shadow pony” Twilight says to her assistant rolling her eyes at my ignorance. “A what?” Spike asks. “I’m a shadow pony, my body is quite literally made of shadow, and I can prove it if you like” I tell Spike. Spike requests that I do prove that I am made of shadow, so I levitate a nearby lamp to my left foreleg, and turn it on. To Spike’s surprise, the light burns straight through my leg, leaving a rather large hole where my coat should be. “I wonder if I could make myself look like a changeling” I think to myself. Spike watches as black shadow billows from the hole and forms the missing part of my leg, before turning red.

“Are you done staring at my leg Spike?” I ask the dragon rhetorically. Spike apologises and asks why I am here. I tell him that I am looking for a book containing information about the mark on my flank. Spike looks at me in a questioning manner, and thus I tell him that I don’t have a cutie mark, because the mark on my flank isn’t a cutie mark, it is something else, and I want to find out what, that something else is. Spike thinks for a minute or two before pulling out a book entitled ‘Strange Marks, and What They Are’ by Mareanda Goshawk and takes it to the nearby lectern.

Opening the book, we see an assortment of peculiar marks on every part of pony anatomy; however, not one of them looks like what is on my flank. I look at the index of the book, and find ‘Shadow Pony – Page 293’. Turning to page 293, I see ‘Shadow Marks’ in large bold writing at the top of the page. “So that’s what it is” I think aloud as I read the page. The book says ‘Little is known about these peculiar marks, except that they are only found on shadow ponies’. “Great, looks like nopony knows what kind of strange magic is flowing through my veins” I remark, an exasperated tone present in my voice.

“Zecora might” Spike semi-blurts out. “Who?” I ask, as Zecora is not a name I remember. “Zecora, she lives in the Everfree Forest. She knows a lot about magic, but mixes potions as opposed to casting spells” Spike answers kindly. “Thanks Spike, I’ll go and see her, do either of you want to come?” I ask Spike and Twilight, as I would rather not go wandering in the Everfree Forest by myself. “We do” say three voices, that weren’t present in the room until now.

Turning around I see three very familiar faces, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and of course, Apple Bloom. I smile at the fillies and ruffle Scootaloo’s mane, she glares at me before patting it back to how it was. “Heh, sorry scoots, I’ve wanted to do that for a small while, I guess temptation got the better of me” I say to the orange filly apologetically. Scootaloo stops glaring at me, and then Apple Bloom suddenly shouts “So can we come?” I smile and nod my head, admiring the courage of the three fillies in front of me. “Do any of you know the way to Zecora’s?” I ask the Crusaders.

“Yeah, ah’ve been there plenty o’ times,” Apple Bloom answers cheerily. “Lead the way,” I respond, “We’ll follow.” Apple Bloom smiles and sets off towards the Everfree forest. I follow, cowering slightly as the dark forest looms over me. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a beige mare with a wavy brown mane exit a derelict looking house; as far as I can tell from this distance, she looks mortified.

Thinking nothing of it, I continue to follow Apple Bloom and her friends through the forest, subconsciously restraining my wanderings to the fading path. Apple Bloom tells me that we are nearly at Zecora’s, by this point, I’m on the verge of freaking out and running for the hills, and the path has long since disappeared. We enter a clearing that encompasses a solitary large oak tree adorned with several strange masks, and bottles. Me left eye twitches and I freak out, I turn about, and try to run, but can’t for some reason. Looking over my shoulder, I see three fillies biting my tail, being dragged along the ground, their hooves leaving visible grooves in the dirt floor.

Taking the hint, I steel my nerves and stop trying to run. I start to walk around the tree, before Apple Bloom clears her throat and asks where I’m going. “Past the creepy tree…”I reply. Scootaloo tells me that the creepy tree is Zecora’s house, so I ask why there are creepy masks and bottles adorning the trunk. “These are souvenirs from Zecora’s homeland” Sweetie Belle tells me, raising questions in my head. “Where is Zecora from?” I question. Apple Bloom replies “Zecora’s a Zebra, from Zebrica” which seems to make sense, as through the window I see a striped figure pouring things into a cauldron.

I reluctantly knock on Zecora’s door and a Zebra answers, saying “Who knocks at my door at this time? A solution to a problem I may have to find.” “Erm…Hi, I’m Phantasma Eeria, I just moved to Ponyville, and you were correct in saying that a solution to a problem is requested. I do not want to impose on you, however I would be very grateful for your help” I say to Zecora, pawing at the ground with my hoof nervously. Zecora invites the fillies and I into her house and asks me to describe the problem, before turning to browse her inventory of ingredients, each with its own curative properties. I shyly request that Zecora turn around so I can show her the problem, as I am not very good at describing things.

Zecora thinks the request odd, but complies, and finds, to her surprise, that a strange bipedal creature is sat where the new pony was. Upon further investigation, the Zebra notices that the creature has a unicorn horn, and features similar to those of the pony who walked through her door. I smile awkwardly, and change my right hand into a hoof, before waving at Zecora. “Is it just these strange creatures, which your body may take all of the features?” Zecora asks me. “Erm, not exactly,” I reply, before changing into a baby dragon, followed by and alicorn, and then a manticore “As far as I can tell I can take on the appearance and abilities of any creature, but cannot rid myself of my horn.” I ask Zecora if I can use the nearby candle to demonstrate something.

Puzzled, the Zebra tells me that I may. I thank Zecora and proceed to lift the candle to my foreleg, Zecora winces as she expects the candle to leave a rather serious burn upon my flesh or to ignite my coat, however she is met instead with the gentle flicker of a candle flame, on the other side of my leg to the base of the candle. I grit my teeth and slow my breathing as a stinging sensation envelops my leg, causing a great deal of discomfort, and a slight amount of pain. Zecora approaches, and takes my leg into her hoof, observing it, as she believes that I was simply using perspective to make the candle appear as if it had gone through my leg.

“Apparently I’m something called a Shadow Pony, and I came here to see if you knew anything about them.” Zecora tells me that she knows a little that is not in any book, having known a shadow zebra when she lived in Zebrica. She tells me that Shadow Ponies are actually ‘made’ of shadow, and that they have complete control over the darkness, however light severely weakens them because of this. Zecora continues by describing what happens if I am hit with something called a ‘light spear’, a magical spear that is infused with light, with very few knowing how to make them.

When Zecora is done telling us all she knows about Shadow Ponies, she says that a Shadow Pony is a Shadow Pony for its entire life, which can last an eternity. According to Zecora there is a way to make a pony into a Shadow Pony but to do so has a 99.9% of failing if the pony transforming the recipient of the strange power is not a Shadow Pony themselves. She continues by saying that if they are the tables are turned but not in its entirety, giving the spell a 51% chance of succeeding instead.

I thank Zecora and the fillies and I depart, my panic settled, and my frustration quenched. I begin to wonder why I don’t bleed when I am cut, but remembering that Zecora told me that Shadow Ponies have few organs outside of a Nervous System, that thought is put to rest. We exit the forest and I see Rarity with the beige mare from earlier, the mare now has a CMC cape on her back, so I ask the fillies who it is. They tell me that it is a mare called Heartbreak, who beside being from out of town, isn’t much different from anypony else.

We get to my house, the talk being about Heartbreak, who apparently went to the Twin Cities with Rarity, and had a row with a pony called Manifest Destiny. Due to personal experience with that particular stallion, I can’t help but feel good for Heartbreak or HB as she prefers to be called. It’s not every day you find somepony who can see past their ridiculous speech encryption fields. I look at the mailbox for a split second and see that the ‘flag’ has been raised, notifying me of received mail. I sheepishly open the mailbox and find three letters, one is a formal letter showing me the dates that I am required to pay rent, the second is from Twilight and her friends saying “Welcome to Ponyville” and the third causes my heart to skip a beat.

I double-check the envelope and confirm that it is in fact from my (mare)friend Octave Symphony. It reads:
“Dear Phantasma
I am writing to say that I have decided to move to Ponyville. It has only been a day but I already miss you. I can’t wait to see what Ponyville is like, and what your new house is like
Love
Octave Symphony
P.S. You might want to get another key”
“I wonder why she said ‘you might want to get another key’.” I ask myself.

Author's Note:

Chapter 2 - Check
Now to write chapter 3...this could take a while
As always tell me what you think in the comments section

Comments

[Lord Sunder]

Okay, so you want pointers... well, my first would be to use line breaks instead of pure indentation to mark paragraphs. I know it's not strictly correct, but it'll help a lot on your presentation. My first reaction upon opening your story was basically this:

4.bp.blogspot.com/_D_Z-D2tzi14/S_BaXBe16KI/AAAAAAAAC5s/PEnPD1dnOFU/s1600/useparagraphs!.png

Secondly, you're doing that thing that new authors love to do, where you open a story in the first person with the viewpoint character waking up. Please, for the love of god, don't do that. Your opening line should make the reader want to read on, and characters waking up is generally not a particularly engaging scene. It can be absolutely adorable in an already established romance fic, but to introduce a character, having their morning routine shoved into my face isn't going make them seem interesting to me, no offence. Also, as one author to another... first person present tense is a really awkward writing style to start out with. I mean, if it seems natural to you, more power to you, but it looks... really, really awkward to us past-tensers, and therefore ruins immersion to some degree.

When writing in first person, it's important to remember that the narrative is filtered through the protagonist's thoughts and ability to perceive the world. She should not, for example, be able to view her own eyes dilating, as she apparently does in chapter one. This is why first person is generally viewed as a precision tool, to be used where absolutely necessary, in order to better acquaint the reader with the protagonist, drawing the reader into the story by the scruff of their necks. It's exceptionally limited though, because you can't show anything that the protagonist doesn't experience directly, so plot elements that were isolated from the protagonist can seem to come from out of the left field, unless the protagonist has some sort of super-sneaking power, or ESP or something. That's why JKR gave Harry Potter an invisibility cloak, basically. So that she could get around the fact that Harry Potter has no reason to know jack shit about the inner workings of Hogwarts, so he has to have super-sneaking powers and improbably opportune timing to overhear plot relevant stuff.

Basically, you can't write things like

Pinkie replies delighted that she has made yet another of her friends smile.

unless your protagonist literally has mind reading powers and can peer into Pinkie's motivations. Phantasma knows random things that she shouldn't. She might be able to guess at what the pink menace is smiling about, but there's no guarantee that it's going to be absolutely correct, like it is in this statement. Simply put, you're writing like you would in third person, and in first-person writing, that makes absolutely no sense.

Please, end your sentences. Even if they have speech marks around them, they still need to end in a full stop or comma (inside the speech marks, for the record) depending on context. Your description has an unfinished sentence, for the love of

While I don't want to slam on your OC too much, her name doesn't really fit too well with MLP naming conventions. It's not really a XY name, like Fluttershy, nor is it subtly symbolic, like Twilight Sparkle or Celestia. It's not a pun, either, so I honestly don't know what you were thinking on that one, sorry. I mean, it's like when you read a name like 'Eviscerix o'Kittensquisher', and you wonder how anyone can say their name with a straight face. To be fair, Phantasma isn't a terrible name. Eeria is the part I have trouble accepting, because it sounds awkward even by Dog Latin standards. I don't know, it just comes across as a very 'speshul sparkly snowflake OC' sort of name, sorry.

Other than that, I can't really say. I always find it very difficult to scale the textwall, but if I think of anything else, I'll try to let you know. Best of luck with the writing, though.

Lord Sunder, Freelance Lurking Madman

[Phantasma Eeria]

Thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate it and will set out to fix as much as I can, also my OC's name was inspired by a dictionary........its not gunna be that good

[Phantasma Eeria]

Lord Sunder
I would like to add to my previous statement and say that Eeria does fit, as it is a slight pun on eerie, and my OC is one hell'a creepy pony

[isuckdotcom]

You might want an editor, just reading the first paragraph makes me want to correct the whole story.
Also, you have achieved a crazy amount of words in just two chapters...you might want to stop cramming everything in at once.

[Phantasma Eeria]

5427539
I could do with one, go ahead and correct it if you want.

[isuckdotcom]

5427553 I cant without access to the files .-.

[Phantasma Eeria]

5428006
PM Me your email address and ill send you a link to a google doc