Hey all you peeps out there! I love MLP, and the "kilalaverse", as you all like to say. I also have a deviantART profile, located HERE: http://fireflight-101.deviantart.com/
Evermore, an orphan unicorn, has always wanted to be accepted. But no matter what she does, everyone seems to think she's an enemy. And it doesn't help that Queen Chrysalis and her changelings attack just when she visits Canterlot Castle. But maybe, just maybe, Evermore is a lot luckier than she thinks she is.
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Maybe she's Chrysalis with amnesia.
5101798 Possibly. We just have to wait and see.
Next up on the Jeremy Kyle show...
"My insect mother abandoned me because of a birth defect!"
5106813 I'm not sure if that was a compliment or not.
5106861
Hay! Take it or leave it!
Take it.
TAAAAAKE IIIIIIIIT!
5106954 XD Fine. Taken.
Sooo...birth defect changeling with amnesia?
5107128 I can't tell you that XD But I can give you a hint. No-one's got it yet.
Erm I'm not sure about this story. Its have good premise but lack of everything other practically,nearly non existant world building, dialogues are not highest fly and chapter are short with fast paced plot
5146763
I don't care, honestly, its all just murky water under the bridge.
Water I ignore and end up missing a plot point. Besides, we've seen the station before, why describe what we see?
5146908
Because its difference between bad written story and good one
As Perteks said, the world and character building is weak, largely due to the incredibly short chapters and fast pacing of the story so far. His comment about the dialogue, as well, points out a problematic issue in the story. Celestia felt out of character in almost all of her lines, the general and her brother spent all of their time on duty acting more like siblings than soldiers watching over what was potentially a threat to the princesses (why was a general even escorting a prisoner around to begin with?), and the dialogue between her "parents" felt incredibly awkward, more like actors in a bad highschool play trying to act like a married couple than two people who were in an actual relationship.
And to expand on his comment, there were several places where there were noticeable grammar and formatting issues. Thoughts should be italicized, you need page breaks between scene changes, a princess should be referred to as Your Highness, not Your Majesty, the second time Evermore mentions her parents' names she gets them wrong, dialogue tags need to go with the dialogue they're attached to, not in the preceding paragraph, plus all the miscellaneous grammar issues that I don't have the time to pick out in a comment box.
It seems like an interesting concept, but it needs a lot of cleaning and developing.
5147228 Thanks for pointing all this out for me. I'll try and fix it up as best I can. (Oh, and I must admit, I forgot to put in the horizontal rules XD)
5148150
Improvement over time is a good thing to aim for. I wish you luck.
5148500 Oh, and also, Evermore was not a prisoner. She was a guest.
5150663
To the princess she might have been a guest, but the general had other opinions. You don't usually assign a guard to keep guests under twenty-four hour surveillance.