Well, I'm a pretty chill guy, 17, almost 18. Live in Frederick, MD. I love My Little Pony, Rarity is best pony by the way.
Rarity's boutique is failing, but when Rainbow bursts through her door with a half dead unicorn stallion bleeding out in her arms, Rarity discovers a new type of magic she had never known existed. After being offered a somewhat sketchy job by the unicorn, she decides to take it, someones gotta pay the bills.
Page generated in 0.084 seconds
Total duration
1,008 users online
1,570,461 hits today, 2,280,440 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Looks interesting, make more and I will give you a 5 star!
22259 I certainly plan on it. I just hope the writing is exciting enough for you guys. I want people to enjoy it ^^
Hah, nice reference to .hack! Make more before I decide on any ratings, y'hear?
Tracking. This looks like its going to be good.
*klicks the "track"-box*
Well done, bro. Well done.
Your style is coherent and descriptive, you seem to have a bit of an eye for detail. Sadly this is a bit short, so my rating will have to wait until I can see where you are going. Try to publish a more in-depth chapter and you will get a 5er.
Until then... Looking forward for more!
Ah, I'm so happy to hear all of your nice comments. I'll try to have the next chapter out within the next day or so!
22330 I'm taking it in a very, hmmm lets say, "creative" direction, so I hope you'll like it.
Observationally of the two prominately used unicorns (plus Trixie), I have noticed that in the animation that magic aura color seems to follow the eye color of the character. So the normal color for Rarity should be blue, Twilight and Trixie are both purple. I must admit, I have not spent a lot of time confirming consistancy.
Good start by the way, nice to see something with Rarity that is more serious and looks to have some interesting potential when you mix her Generousity into it.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! DOCTOR!!!!
HOLY FUCK.
This will be GOOD.
As before, fantastic writing, good characterisation and finally a feeling you head somewhere epic.
Enjoy you 5 Stars.
And my love.
And my tracking.
And my axe.
23090 You just made my fucking day. You sir, are amazing!
Why can't I give you more than five stars?
Good job.
Suggestion; use exclamation marks and question marks more often.
23814 Okay, I'll try to do that ^^
First comment on the new chapter.
24563 Gratz.
This is starting to get good. You have a unique magic system going, and I like the direction you are taking so far! Keep up the good work!
Interesting.. I wonder what Twilight's exceed is, among other ponies..
Maybe you could elaborate on that..?
24572 Twilight comes in later, and she doesn't know her exceed yet. So all in good time, all in good time. I will be giving her one though.
Am I the only one who realizes the horrible irony that pinkie works there?
24583 It was meant that way ;P
"After this, pinkie went to work carving up bodies and extracting the organs out of them to fill that days orders."
"Everything was going as it should, and everyone was happy."
I'd like to say that the idea is clever. Your execution, however, is sloppy. I wish you would put more practice into using punctuation effectively. To give an example:
“Calm down Rarity, that’s part of the problem. Try to calm yourself, and instead of thinking of the money, think of the little filly sitting in the hospital bed, think of how with this kidney you could save that little fillies life! Focus on all the lives you can save with your power, and let that feeling flow out of your horn!” Prestige exclaimed in a motivating tone.
Would have performed far better as:
“Calm down, Rarity! If you try too hard, you make it harder for yourself. Instead of thinking of the money, think of the little filly sitting in the hospital bed. Think of how this kidney could save that little filly's life! Focus on all the lives you can save with your power, and let that feeling flow out of your horn!” Prestige spoke with a motivational tone.
Pay attention to your clauses. "I bought groceries as he walked towards me and he picked up a platter of pickles." contains far too many clauses and needs to be broken up. Not only are you talking about buying groceries, you are also cramming in information about someone walking towards you while picking up a platter of pickles. You could have easily made that same sentence in a different manner. "I grabbed groceries from the shelves. My son, James, grabbed a platter of pickles and put it in the cart."
I will not give your story a star rating until the last chapter, but I would give it a 2 1/2 star in its current state. I hope you take this to heart and try to improve in your next chapter, and possibly even improve this one.
24590 I believe I fixed most of what I did wrong. Thank you for the good feedback.
Pacing is a bit fast, making the chapters really short.
NONETHELESS this is getting REALLY interesting
i'm guessing the fact that some ponies have extra organs for A REASON!(not mad at author just pointing out that some ponies may have more organs at half functionality thus possibly killing them from the lack of organs
therefore they are killing for people to live)
24860
Theres lots of organs in the human body that can survive without it's counterpart, the other is just there for a redundancy system.
Dude.
Prestige is one smooth motherfucker.
Shots is obviously meant to be Samual L. Jackson and he has had it with those motherfucking organs in those motherfuckung ponies.
Love it.
This chapter was rather short and fast paced, which is not a bad thing, but you slammed a lot of events in there and your characters could not properly "react" given the short stage-time. I would have liked a more in-depth dialogue between Rarity and Pinkie since there is some great potential for ironic humour here.
25191 I'll take this into consideration in the chapters to come. Thanks for the feedback.
Is it wrong that this guy seems like the perfect match for Pinkie?
I'm really enjoying this fic so far, I love the idea of an organ harvesting operation with a moral high ground. I do want to see a little more descriptiveness though. You squeak by with the bare minimum as it is. Details! I want juicy details! If you succeed with descriptive writing, the rest eventually comes naturally.
I hope she goes out with him ^.^
Poor kid, what a messed up home life. Gives him no right to treat others badly but I guess when you go through that much shite so young its hard not to be bitter. At least he is using his talents for good, though the ethics behind the service they offer is dubious at best.
Aight, my point still stands, this guy is every single character Samual L. Jackson ever played. A badass with a brutal past and a soft spot. Love it! I got to admit that I am intruiged if you will manage to cram some romance in there too. Oh and I have to agree with #1 here, I love your style and your descriptive writing, but there is so FEW of it. You really, REALLY should go more in the details of the cool stuff. Here, again, you rushed exactly THE part that is the central motive of your story: Violence for the greater good.
You could have stretched that out much more. For example the scene where Shots murders his father. You wrote:
"When I swung the door open I found my father drunk, passed out on the floor. I took the final syringe out of my saddlebag and injected it into his throat. That was the end of my problems. Nobody was ever going to hurt me again."
You could have written:
"When I swung the door open I found my worthless asshole of a father in his usual state again, drunk, passed out, in a puddle of his own vomit. I did not hesitate a moment, pulling the final syringe out of my saddlebag and gently placing it on his neck. With one swift, determined motion I sank the hollow needle into his throat and let the poisonous liquid work it's magic. He twitched a for a few seconds as I watched him end his embarassing, useless existence. That was the end of my problems, nobody was ever going to hurt me again. I was free."
With that much more descriptive style the moment gains a lot of emotional punch and his hatred and disgust for those around him really JUMPS IN THE READERS FACE. That's what you want.
Do not be afraid to read it several times before uploading. Not to find typos or grammar errors, but to ask yourself CONCIOUSLY "How could I describe this in a more detailed way? Can I pack some more emotion inside?"
Please do not feel I am berating your work here, I seldom write such detailed criticism. I do this because I love your premise and your characters. and I see some huge potential here. So, if you can, please tale this advice to heart and go more in-depth with the gory and brutal details. You labeled this "DARK" - now make us cringe!
Dun Dun Duunnnnnnnn!
(My 2ed time saying today -_-)
OOOOHHHHHHH NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO- eh, I'm cool with this.
Great wrighting and the whole thing is a great idea but its just not my cup up tea but i hope you enjoy your stars
27072 Why thank you ^^
More practice and you could pull some seriously professional lines off. This was an amusing break from the normal perspective, and I wouldn't mind seeing more`of this. A few things to work on:
"I’ve had a hard life filled with pain, agony, and distress. I have always been alone, no pony by my side to help me pull through."
Consistency. If you use contractions once, you should continue to use them in all instances where it is thematically appropriate. Feel free to decide what is an exception to this rule.
"It wasn’t fair, I didn’t mean to kill her."
Very flat, and detracts from the character. Broke my sense of disbelief right out the window.
"The poison was untraceable so there was no way they could pin the murders on me, seeing as nobody saw anything."
Quite redundant; is there a better way to word phrases like this?
Other than that, work on general pace. I've observed a very quick and choppy pace from similar writers, and even a simple description can be made into a beautiful image with the help of a slower pace. Inject detail where you can (though it is possible to go overboard.) For example, 'The room had a metal table' could just as easily be 'The room opened to reveal a singular metal table, a set of tools adorning the bottom shelf.' One is automatically more rewarding for the reader, and the stronger the setting and more realistic the pace the easier it is to let the reader imagine important scenes. I've taken quite a bit of your time; continue to work on this marvelous story unfolding.
The best place to apply the pace suggestion would be the paragraph "My father was only one of my problems...". This would do much better as 3 paragraphs. Add more emotions from Shots! "The bastard decided I was the ideal test subject" conveys an angry emotion, while "The fist hit five seconds before the pain" conveys a stretched sense of time, a more complex emotion to achieve. I'd prefer if you made your own, but these are good examples to start with.
27268 Once again you've outdone yourself with the helpful feedback! Thank you very much. I'm going to remaster these chapters at a later date so I'll keep your suggestions in mind. Watch my profile and I'll pop up a blog post when I do remaster them.
Cutie Mark Crusader Organ Harvesters! Yay!
27561 Knowing them they would get stuck inside one of the ponys, i can just imagine hearing apple bloom from inside another pony
One thing I noticed is they said Rarity's element of friendship was generosity; they're not the elements of friendship, they're the elements of harmony.
Good work, as always Ovan!
The one thing I don't like about this is reading it and knowing that there are people who live lives as neglected and tormented as that. Even though this is a fictional story, the fact that it's so close to what happens to some people in real life just makes it extra sad.
27580 That's one of the emotions I'm trying to capture in people.
27580 That's one of the emotions I'm trying to capture in people. 27572 Fixing
25191 Okay, I laughed hard at that image in my head.