Applejack's Railway Adventure

One morning while trying to get crates, Rarity has asked Applejack to pick up some new fabrics from the station. Unfortunately she forgets. After meeting a new friend called Loconeer, Applejack embarks on an adventure to get the fabrics from Manehatten.

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Comments ( 4 )

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Metool Bard

Metool Bard #1 · Sep 17th, 2014 · · ·

I know it's not exactly what would be called a fanfiction, but when i write fanfictions, i like them to appear as if they were episodes and as if i was working for the writing team.

That's, still a fanfic, mate. At least in my book; I don't know what your definition of the word is.

I'm also sketchy on your definition of an adventure. Mainly because adventures have more at stake than just some lost luggage. This really should be a Slice of Life story.

As for the story itself, well, hmm. I'm not gonna lie; you could do with an editor. Formatting and punctuation errors are prominent throughout, and it doesn't help that you apparently bounce from scene to scene like a kangaroo on a pogo stick. The pacing moves as fast as an actual locomotive, and if your intention was to introduce your OC to us (which is hardly ever a good reason to write a story), you didn't succeed because I didn't get a feel for his character at all. All I can say about him is that he's not horribly cliché.

This isn't exactly the worst story I've read from a first-time author, but it's hardly the best. I highly suggest taking this back to the drawing board.

Trainboy

Trainboy #2 · Sep 26th, 2014 · · ·

5016617 Thanks for the advice :) and i apologize if it was being bounced around a lot, i'm just not too used to writing out fully fleshed scenes. Would you, by any chance, happen to know of a website where i can get advice for this?

Metool Bard

Metool Bard #3 · Sep 26th, 2014 · · ·

5060252 Several groups on this site are dedicated to helping new authors such as yourself. We also have a Writing Guide in the FAQ, so be sure to use that as well.