I was convinced that my existence was nothing more than a game played by petty gods. I refused to give them the satisfaction of whining so I adapted to the situation best I could.
I rose up from my half-seated position and announced in the strongest voice I could muster:
“I’m getting tired, I'm getting hungry, PLEASE ambush us after we've eaten and slept”, I called out to the surrounding bushes.
I heard a raspy giggle come from the shrubbery and we were greeted by an odd assortment of mares.
A blue, maybe sky blue, pony with a rainbow coloured mane and tail approached me still chortling as a response to my irritated shout out. She stopped in front of me and gave me an easy grin.
“Hey there”, she greeted. “Love the attitude but I've got a friend to catch up with.”
She nonchalantly ‘fwipped’ to the side steadfastly ignoring me as a few more of the cautious mares in the ‘ambush team’ slowly revealed themselves from the native foliage.
A white coated mare with an indigo mane galloped towards Twinkie and hugged them both, along with the rainbow mare. Following at a more sedately pace a blonde maned, orange-coated mare and a pink maned, butter-cream coloured mare joined the mix.
They hugged in a combined group of six.
And once they had gotten their fix.
The orange-mare asked Twilight what she had been up to, what kind of tricks.
To which, Twilight recounted, while playing with sticks.
Pinkie Pie filled in the gaps, while giving a cupcake the licks.
(I still hadn't gotten used to that pink mare’s tics.)
(I had to stop rhyming after that.)
(Cat, door, bat on a mat. Oh, seems like it’s back. Cut me some slack.)
On a more serious note, Twilight introduced me to her friends.
She pointed to each of them with a hoof as she described them.
“Well, let me introduce you to my closest friends. This is Rarity, she is the white-coated mare and an excellent fashion designer.”
Rarity blushed at the compliment.
“This is Applejack, she’s one of the best farmers in Equestria and the maker of one of the finest ciders.”
“Aww shucks, sugar cube”, replied modestly, swinging a hoof.
“This is Rainbow Dash, she’s one of the best fliers in Ponyville.”
“More like in all of Equestria!” she added with a swoop in the air and fis- hoof pump in the air.
“And finally this is Fluttershy, caretaker of animals and one of the kindest mares you'll ever meet.”
Fluttershy hid her face behind her pink mane as she offered quietly, “Oh, uhm, hi”.
Oh. Adorable. Nothing like you, Twilight, I thought, snidely.
Twilight sensed an ill internal comment from me and shot me a glare. I put on my best ‘I'm offended you would think that of me’ expression. She shook her head.
Not going down that road again, she thought firmly.
“And everyone this is…” she paused as she seemed to realise something. “By Celestia… I don't even know your name!”
I face-palmed.
Wait.
“Does anyone here actually know my name?” I asked hopefully, locking eyes with everyone present. I was rewarded with downcast gazes and firm shakes of their heads.
Something bubbled up within me a strange mirth that shook my chest and burst out of my mouth like a tidal wave of comedic power.
I addressed Twilight.
“Let me get this straight. You have been chasing me for the better part of a day, trusted me with an escape plan, followed me through a hostile den of diamond dogs and introduced me to your closest friends… and you don't even know my name?”
I turned to Gruff, “It’s been what? A week now since you first met me? You've left everything behind to follow me, without knowing my name?”
I turned to Lightning and Hardy.
“You both stayed behind for me without knowing my name?”
I paused, gathering my thoughts.
In the silence, Applejack asked me what everypony or diamond dog wanted to say but was too afraid to say.
“So what is your name, sugar cube?” she asked hesitantly.
I drew in a breath for a dramatic reveal. Everyone watched with anticipation as I bowed low and swept a florid hand around in a grandiose gesture.
“Not telling”, I said in a singsong voice as everyone groaned and muttered some incomprehensible thing.
Rainbow Dash seemed the most annoyed, darting in front of me and pushing me with a hoof to emphasise her next words.
“Hey buddy, we told you our names, you should tell us yours”, she growled menacingly.
Rarity nodded, “Yes dear, I think it is quite rude not to offer your name when others have so kindly introduced themselves to you, don’t you think?”
I nodded. It was only fair.
“Okay then how about we play a game of hospitality”, I offered with a placating gesture.
Rainbow looked confused and drifted down to land.
“The rules are simple. I'm a foreigner in a foreign land. None of you know my name. If I pronounce it, you might get it wrong so it’s only fair I judge the situation first and get to know you all better. So far I have been living in a dingy castle, been chased by an enraged unicorn (which was my fault so I'll let that slide) and captured by diamond dogs and been used as slave. If you promise me a nice treatment at Canterlot I’ll tell you my name.”
The others nodded seeing reason.
“So all we have to do is treat you nicely and show you a good time at Canterlot?” Twilight asked incredulously. She narrowed her eyes. “That seems suspiciously easy. What’s the catch?”
“No catch”, I replied. “I honestly just want to have a good time. For once.”
Everybody was starting to cotton on to the idea.
“I still think you should tell us but I suppose your stay in Equestria has been somewhat… lacking if I have heard you correctly”, Rarity commented, giving me a hard stare that turned compassionate. “Hmm I'll agree. We’ll make you feel at home.”
“Oh, uhm I think that’s a good idea, if you don't mind”, Fluttershy added in quietly. Man she is adorable as heck.
Rainbow fist-hoof bumped me (surprisingly). Gruff grunted in acknowledgement. Lightning and Hardy nodded. Both Solid and Iron smiled, which I took as agreement.
“So we're all agreed then?” I confirmed and everyone happily accepted.
“Okay what next?”
Suddenly, pegasus soldiers dropped out of the sky and landed all around us. Now we were truly surrounded.
“What’s all this about?” I asked walking forwards, I surprised when I stopped at spear-point by one of the impassive faces of the guard.
A white-coated stallion strode forward with considerably heavier armament than the rest.
“My name is Sergeant Major Boots and by order of Her Royal Majesty, Celestia of Equestria, we hereby arrest you for crimes against magic”, the stallion stated flatly.
“Do not resist and you will be unharmed”, he added for good measure.
He gestured forward to two stallions carrying chains. I wanted to run but I didn't really see the point to be honest.
“Out of diamond dog chains and into pony ones… well at least I won’t be mining rocks for the rest of my life… or will I be?” I ground out venomously. I felt a small hint of satisfaction when the utter malice in my voice gave the two guard ponies holding the chain pause, then they quickly secured me.
Twilight was furious, probably because she lost our bet and I wouldn't be telling her my name. She calmed enough to speak to the leader.
“We would like to go with him”, Twilight demanded. Sergeant Major Boots quickly scanned all the faces of my newly acquired friends.
“No, we canno-”, he replied simply.
“We are key witnesses, if he is to stand trial”, Twilight persisted, trying to get a word in edgeways.
“He is not a citizen of Equestria-“
“But he is a foreign unknown species and is subject to first contact protocols, which you have violated, you could cause a war!” Twilight hammered but I gave credit to the Sergeant Major, he held fast.
“Under a direct order from Her Majesty, so I think she will be the one to decide if we are to go to war”, he replied smarmily, gesturing for the guards to begin lifting me to a chariot.
Lightning and Hardy stepped up, trying to ease tension.
“Private Lightning Shield, reporting for duty”, he snapped, coming to attention.
“Corporal Hardy Greaves, reporting for duty”, Hardy added only a split second after Lightning.
“We have orders from the Princess to transport Solid Evidence, a convicted criminal to Canterlot but we crashed due to chariot failure and have been held prisoner by the diamond dogs straight after”, Hardy reported.
“We request assistance to transport the prisoner, sir”, Lightning pleaded, still at attention.
Boots considered the two pegasi then nodded and gestured for the backup chariot.
“Come with us then, you need to report to the Princess”, he assented then his eyes softened. “You've had it hard my fellow comrades, take a break.”
“Thank you, sir”, they both saluted and went to situate themselves with the other pegasi guard.
Twilight was still fuming but she couldn't think of any way to interpose herself.
Before she could do anything we would both regret I called out from the chariot I was being held in.
“Don't worry Twilight, it'll be alright, I promise!” I shouted back, I was about to say more but the chariot jolted and lifted into the air suddenly choking back words I was going to say.
Twilight could only gaze back sadly as the chariot receded.
“But you didn't Pinkie Promise”, she called back softly so that not even Pinkie could hear, even being only a head away.
Noooo don't take a vacation we need constant updatesss!
Just kidding. You update so often that you could get away with a break.
I wonder what they shall do with our poor mane character...
You might have a successful career as a rapper.
Hmm, what could his name be?
Is it Uncle Frank or Cousin Louie? Is it Bob or Joe or Walter? Could it be Bill or Jim or Ed or Bernie or Steve?
My only significant criticism of the fic so far is that he was very quick to come to the conclusion of magic nullification. As a man who knows of science, I could accept that being an early hypothesis, but it takes a lot more than the one apparent data point he has to develop a solid theory.
4828111 It is a hypothesis. He hasn't confirmed it yet. I think I might rewrite that more clearly but bear in mind he had limited time to test this hypothesis (he was in hostile territory) and limited experimental implementation (again hostile territory) I would posit that in that situation I'd come to conclusion of magical immunity or nullification in the sense that at least magic doesn't appear to work quite so well with the main character as an extrapolation.
Also under stress people tend to jump to conclusions no matter how logical you may be.
Looking at it from the reader's perspective, which is quite often hard to do as author, you forget sometimes that the readers do not have the background knowledge an author intimately does and I admit that the conclusion was reached quite fast. He doesn't posit a big all encompassing theory, so I'll write in something to make that more clear.
Thanks for your comment!
4828111 Oh I forgot to add, his ethnicity is Asian so it is most likely not those names. Sorry, if you were sarcastic it's hard to sense across the internet so forgive me for that. Also a hint was given in the chapter: "Silent as a Knave" (Chapter 24) about his name. If you can pick it out, try having a guess. It'll be a unique name as far as I know.
4828111 One more sorry for chain spamming you with comments. Fixed the chapter! Have a read and tell me if you think that's better. Sorry I've been working all day so there's been precious little time to edit my story and also release new chapters.
4826393
That is my backup, kind sir.
My rhymes though they are sick,
Have a strange burr,
They are flawed, take your pick.
They also don't follow a syllable pattern.
They may as well be written in Latin.
It's also got horrible structure with no reason or care,
What it needs is a touch of a mare.
Or a stallion, I'm not choosy,
I meant an editor, not partner,
Or that would end up as a doozy.
This poem makes as much sense as a lark,
Rhyming is no walk in the park.
You could try to appeal to me as writer.
Inspire me, make my day brighter.
Then we could get down to business and reason.
Sit together make a poem, try it for a season.
It'll get better, I promise you all.
Like logical log rainbows,
A minx cat balloon ball.
Anyways, thanks for reading!
4826092 Ah bup bup! That would be telling although to soothe you, there will be an update very very soon. As soon as humanely possible. (I'm thinking sacrificing to the Elder Gods might become a real option if I'm to keep this up). Anyway thanks for reading!
4828373 4828397
That works
4828376
It's okay, I was quoting Weird Al ("Everything You Know is Wrong"). I didn't expect any of my guesses to be right.
4828497 Oops I am so sorry I didn't catch that! Haha wow it's been a long time since I've listened to Weird Al.
I hear the moon is nice this time of the year.
I realize that you're seriously struggling to find a way to now justify the original introduction of the story, but it seems implausible to me that the Princesses would send a couple guards to go chain up the great unknown creature they fear is Threatening All Magic In The Universe(tm) rather than investigating personally. It could be strong. It could be dangerous. It could be intelligent and friendly. It could be too big to fit in a chariot. There are a lot of scenarios where sending couple guards to arrest without more information is a bad idea.
It also doesn't sit well that everpony in his party casually sits around and lets this happen. You have all six Element Bearers right here. It's not like they couldn't stop it if they didn't want it to happen. They're all headed to Canterlot anyway. It would be so simple for Twilight to intervene. Do you really think that Twilight and Pinkie would just let their new friend who saved them from enslavement be carried off in chains? What about Gruff? He's just left his people to follow after the protagonist, but he just stands invisibly and never speaks a word as the pegasi show up and take him away. Did you just forget about him?