[FLASH FICTION] Big Mac was just working on the farm when he discovers a secret entrance to an underground pathway. Where will it lead and what will he find?
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begarino
Joined 6th Feb, 2012 ·
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Way too random, no information on pretty much anything at all, and the whole ordeal with buying statues, if I got it right, is just silly.
It is just really, really weird, and by the end somewhat pointless.
Ok. I'm just talking randomly. READ MY STORY ALso your story was ok.
444270
Well, it was a flash fiction I wrote for someone who wanted to know how it was possible Big Mac was injured when he's so strong.
444384
Thanks. :) Which story?
Er... ether one I guess. But I really really want you to read Neopetra Ponies>>444425
This is very good so far, I really can't believe your first rating was a "thumbs down."
I like the Idea of a Medusa like unicorn keeping various historical ponies entraped in a tomb.
I can also see Big Mac acting the way he did.
Overall the grammar and sentence structure was very good, and the descriptive prose was far better than most fanfics.
I like the fact you showed Big Mac knowing all about soil quality, crop rotation, allowing fields to go fallow, ect...
Just a few MINORcritiques:
"...a snap of metal..." This is a stone door, not metal. I can see there being a metal bolt or seal but you should say that "...a snap of a metal seal..." Plus in my opinion it might be more like the 'creak of a metal hinge.'
"...the stone steps seemed sturdy..." The word "sturdy" to me suggest a wooden or metal stairs, something that can become unsturdy or rickety. Stone is just not refered to as "sturdy" IMO. ...the stone steps seemed FIRM or SOLID, or even UNWORN seem more realistic.
Lastly the section just after Big Mac is turned to stone. To me it reads like you the writer as the narrator lecturing me the reader on how it feels to be stone over a long period of time, decades if not longer. This is called a 1st Person Omniscient Narrative Voice (ie the voice of a Omniscient being talking to the reader directly) However up to this point your narrative voice was totally 3rd Person Narrative (ie from the point of view of a character told in the 3rd person). Changing narrative styles like that confused me for a moment, I had to stop and re-read that part. It at first seemed like you changed to a 1st person viewpoint of Big Mac describing what it is like being locked in stone for decades, and that obviously his plan of freeing enough of the other prisoners to defeat the unicorn mage must had failed. Yet the next passage showed that only a short period of time had passed, maybe only a few minutes, and the plan worked. Upon reading again I noticed that it was a change in narrative style instead,
However changing narrative style like in the middle of an action sequence is jarring, it stops the action and reminds the reader this is only a story.
IMO you would do better re-writting that section so the description of petrification is from Mac's point of view in the 3rd person. You can have him imagining what it might be like to be stone for years or decades.
This is all just my opinion, you are free to use or not use any of this. This is still good story.
444449
445465
Good point, both of you. I removed the stone trapped section, it didn't really work. Edited it so that it was more his perspective. Thanks for the feedback!
447465 you are welcome.
I'm glad I can be some help, I really do like your plot idea.
What I don't understand is why you don't have more thumbs up and less thumbs down.
I've read far worst with terrible grammar, cliche overused plots, fragmentary sentences, dialogue that makes no sense or can't be followed, yet they get 100+ thumbs up.
I wish that anyone who does give a story a thumbs down would comment and tell a writer why. I don't mean a flame like "U Suck," but a real critique like "your character was a Mary Sue" or " Twilight would never act that way" or just that your grammar/spelling is bad.
I really hope you continue this. If you get another chapter or 2 done, you could send this to Equestria Daily. I do think this is good enough for them. They do have a couple of unspoken rules with one of them being that a story is at least ~2500 words, and they believe you will finish your story.
448198
I'll definitely try to continue this, though I can't guaranty how fast since I'm currently working on three other projects. Still, definitely would like to revisit this sometime soon.