The Sneezies

by Riser5

The Sneezies

A normal day outside in the meadows next to Ponyville is naturally peaceful, especially when the sun shines bright in the depth of Spring. The gentle buzz of lulling hummingbirds fill the air as rabbits search for leaves to eat. A cool breeze pulls through the flowers and trees, carrying a peculiar sound of that of a springing bounce and the terrified screams of grass being crushed under the pink hooves of a helplessly oblivious pony.

Pinkie Pie is following one of her normal daily routines she has in the Spring, which consists of laughing and exploring the outskirts of the town for the thousandth time for any new, interesting things that most likely don’t exist. Today was different though, Pinkie found a wild patch of flowers not too far from Everfree Forest that were definitely not there when she passed by last week. At first she could’ve sworn it was Poison Joke, but there was something off about it. Curious, Pinkie bounced on over to it to check it out. As with Poison Joke, the flowers were frilly and and clustered, but these flowers had a purple hue to them and were generally smaller.

There weren’t too many of these strange flowers, roughly 30 or so, so Pinkie assumed it was safe enough to get close. As she approached with each bounce, she noticed intricate pink patterns along the purple petals. Pinkie stopped and stared at these strange flowers. They were appearing far less like Poison Joke now than before.

It then dawned on Pinkie that these flowers probably weren’t even dangerous at all. She burst into full laughter for not having realized that sooner. In her fit of laughter Pinkie fell over into the bush of purple flowers. That didn’t stop her though, because she figured if it was Poison Joke she could just get Zecora to cure it. While in the flowers though, Pinkie figured she didn’t have much to lose, so she decided to enjoy them. Pinkie loved the way the flowers felt on her pink coat. Pinkie thought for a moment, hesitated, then bit right into one of the flowers. It was very bitter and it stung her tongue. Pinkie quickly spit it out on the ground and burst into coughing, all the while holding back a yell. In a fit of coughs Pinkie stumbled out of the patch of flowers, her nose quite vibrantly stinging and itching at the same time.

Pinkie could feel a sneeze coming up. She tried to suppress it at first, but it quickly overpowered her will. Within seconds Pinkie let out a massive sneeze that echoed throughout the trees. Her nose still stung greatly but she felt better for the moment. Having enough exploration for the day Pinkie bounced back to town, forgetting about the purple flowers.

Pinkie’s day continued as normal, and she gave a friendly “hello” to everypony she passed on her way back into town. Pinkie hoped to spend time with her Dashie later, but first she wanted to pass by town square and say “hi” to Applejack, maybe stop by Rarity’s afterwards. Pinkie made a change to her plans though the moment she felt it again. She felt another sneeze. Pinkie was only 20 feet or so away from the town square and could literally see Applejack at her stand. She knew sneezing that loud again here would cause a bad public disturbance.

Seeing a nearby barrel, Pinkie pulled the top off and threw her head into it. Thankfully for Pinkie the barrel was empty. Unable to hold it back any longer, Pinkie released a monstrous sneeze that nearly broke the barrel. Pinkie waited for a few seconds then glanced around. A few ponies were looking at her, notably an annoyed looking stallion that started to make his way over to her. Assuming that the barrel was his, and as Pinkie didn’t want any trouble, she quickly sprinted away. Pinkie ran to the one place where everything had a solution and problems weren’t really problems—Twilight’s Library. If anypony could help her right now besides Zecora, it was Twilight. And the latter of the two was far more accessible during this time of need.

Pinkie reached Twilight’s house and frantically knocked on the door. Pinkie was more than a little surprised that Twilight answered the door of her own house, instead of Spike who usually does it. “Pinkie! What’s the matter? You look panicked,” Twilight asked.

“Well of course I’m panicked because there were these purple flowers and pink patterns and they were bitter and they made my nose sting and now I need your help!” Pinkie managed to ramble out in three seconds. “I have this weirdest sneezing thing that I feel will be a problem and we need to find Zecora to cure this Poison Joke and I’m really scared and—” Twilight put a hoof over Pinkie’s mouth to stop her.

“Why don’t you come inside and I’ll see if I can figure out what’s wrong.” Twilight invited Pinkie into her library.

“But I just told you what’s wrong!” Pinkie yelled, “I’m having a sneezing problem!”

“A sneezing problem?” Twilight asked.

“Yes! A sneezing problem!” Pinkie pushed past Twilight into the library. Pinkie then leaned right up next to Twilight and dropped her voice low. “I’m having a serious case of the sneezies!” Pinkie exclaimed.

“Okay, why don’t you sit down.” Twilight shut the door. “Would you like something to drink?”

As Pinkie sat she giggled and looked up at Twilight. “Do you have any coffee?”

Twilight glanced at the already jittery pink party pony. “Err, no. And I don’t think you’d need any.” Twilight winced.

Pinkie laughed, “I was joking silly, don’t worry about it.”

“So Pinkie,” Twilight started, “what exactly is the problem?” Twilight took a seat across from Pinkie.

“Well I found these funny purple flowers that looked a lot like Poison Joke, except they were purple and funny,” Pinkie explained, “They were funny because they were purple.”

“What’s wrong with something being purple?” Twilight asked as she looked down at her lavender coat.

“Oh, nothing. It was funny because Poison Joke should be blue and it looked super duper out of place,” Pinkie giggled, “So of course I did what anypony else would have done. I jumped into the flowers and rolled around.”

“You what?!” Twilight yelled.

Pinkie cowered a little, “Well, it was more like I fell into them…”

Just then Pinkie started to feel it again. She could tell this one was going to be big. There was no stopping it at this point. “Twilight! Save yourself!” Pinkie threw her face into one of the pillows next to her and let it go. With a loud sneeze and poof the pillow blew up. Feathers scattered all over the room with no remains of the pillow itself.

Twilight still sat in shock of the large explosion. “Well, now I see your problem,” Twilight acknowledged, “So you want me to see if I can make it stop somehow?”

“Exactly.” Pinkie said as she pulled feathers from her mane.

“Well we should probably go find Zecora then. I hope she doesn’t mind that we go to her usually when we have a problem—”
“What!? Already again!?” Pinkie cut Twilight off.

“I’m sorry, what?” Twilight asked. “Do you not want to go to Zeco—”

“No! It’s that I… I—” Pinkie let out a thunderous sneeze throwing her out of her chair, as well as throwing the chair to the ground. “I had to sneeze again so soon. That’s what I was talking about,” Pinkie laughed.

“Oh my Pinkie,” Twilight pointed out, “It looks like it’s getting worse. We should head out right now.”

“Are you sure she’ll fix this? I mean, we don’t even know if it’s Poison Joke or not.”

“There’s only one way to find out,” Twilight said.

Twilight pushed the door open and nodded for Pinkie to follow. But right as they got outside it happened again. This time it was louder and with less warning. Pinkie sneezed with a loud boom that knocked the library sign down.

“Pinkie…” Twilight started, “Maybe you should stay here and I’ll go get Zecora.” Twilight set the sign back upright. “It’d probably be better that way.”

“Oh… Well if you say so,” Pinkie said, “But are you sure it’s okay if I stay here alone while you’re gone?” she asked.

“Sure, I won’t be gone too long,” Twilight said. She turned and trotted off towards Everfree Forest. “Just try not to destroy the place!” she yelled back to Pinkie.

“Okay, okay. That’s simple enough, don’t destroy the place Pinkie,” Pinkie said to herself.

She walked back into the library and turned to shut the door. Before she could touch the door though Pinkie sneezed forcefully and the door slammed shut. A small crack in the door frame at the top was now visible, but Pinkie was unsure if it was there before. “Okay Pinkie, how can I not destroy anything while not doing nothing?” Pinkie asked herself. “Well, maybe a drink will help with my sneezies,” she answered herself as she made her way to the kitchen.

This might not have been the best idea for Pinkie at this point, because moments after grabbing a glass, she felt it again. Before Pinkie could move anywhere she sneezed loudly, and all the glasses on the shelf in front of her shattered or broke. Glass was now everywhere on the table and floor. Panicked, Pinkie knew Twilight would be furious, but the least she could do was clean up all the broken glass on the ground.

Pinkie grabbed a small dustpan from the cabinet and brushed all the glass shards into a neat pile. She was still thirsty though, so she decided to just take a sip directly from the faucet. As Pinkie did so though, she sneezed again, painfully slamming her head into the faucet, which then broke and water started to shoot out everywhere.

The water sprayed all over Pinkie and the walls of the kitchen. Already soaked, Pinkie attempted to fix the faucet to no avail, more or less from lack of knowledge on how. If only there was a way to learn how to do something quickly that she had easy access to at that moment. Like a book on kitchen related maintenance. “Where could I find a book like that?” Pinkie thought aloud, passively ignoring the puddle forming around her hooves. “Oh! I know! I’m in a library!” Pinkie exclaimed, “I can look up where to find a kitchen maintenance book in one of Twilight’s books!”

Before heading over to the books, Pinkie glanced back at the ever spreading spray of water erupting from the broken faucet. She had an idea, she started to make her way upstairs to look for a towel of some sorts to slow the spray of water. Right as Pinkie reached the top step she painfully sneezed and flew back a few feet.

And down a whole flight of stairs.

It took Pinkie a few moments to get back to her hooves, thankfully she wasn’t severely injured, but she did feel weak. Learning from mistakes, Pinkie made her way up the stairs backwards just in case. Even after she reached the top she kept walking backwards until she bumped into the first thing she found. Pinkie glanced over to see Twilight’s bed, and with that her bed sheets and blanket. As good as anything, Pinkie grabbed the sheets and blanket and nearly jumped back downstairs and rushed to the sink.

Pinkie stuffed the blanket and sheets into the sink to slow the flow of water, which had already completely covered the kitchen floor and was starting to make its way into the main room. She had to move fast.

Pinkie ran over to the bookshelves to find a book on where to find a book on kitchen maintenance. At least that seemed to her the best plan of action at the time. After some time Pinkie found a book that appeared to have some apparent use, Kisun’s Book Manuel, which was located after a ragged, worn book called Kissing 101 with Twilight’s name apparently written on the spine, and before a book called Kitchen Etiquette: Utility and Maintenance. Grabbing the book manuel, Pinkie went and took a seat and opened the index, all the while helplessly oblivient to the water which has reached over a fair third of the main room.

Before Pinkie could even read one sentence in the book she sneezed, with almost no warning at this point. The book was in her hooves seconds ago was no longer there, it evaporated, and in turn paper rained all over the place. All she had left was the hardback cover of the book.

Pinkie, now reaching the brink of having a panic attack, saw the new danger of the invading water. The glass shards from before had been picked up by the flow and spread all over the place, with shards of glass now evenly dispersed throughout the kitchen and half the main room. Where there was water there was glass.

Pinkie was now panicking. “Twilight where are you!” she screamed aloud. “Please get back here and fix this mess! I don’t care how mad you are!” Pinkie pleaded with herself.

At this point the water and glass had roughly blocked Pinkie in, the stairs and front door were blocked from her. In a last ditch effort Pinkie scrambled up the bookcase, climbing to reach safety. Yet Pinkie forgot the biggest danger here was herself. She sneezed while clinging onto the shelf, the force pulled Pinkie down the floor, with almost all of the books on the shelf as well. Book after book fell and hit Pinkie, until one finally hit her right on the head and knocked her out under a pile of books on a layer of water.

* * *

Twilight was making her way through Everfree Forest towards Zecora’s house when it hit her. She left the normally hyperactive, uncontrollable Pinkie Pie at her house alone while she was having a physical issue that caused her to be more destructive. If Twilight had any luck at all, she’d be happy to see her library still standing when she returned. But maybe she was just overreacting, and maybe Pinkie hadn’t cause any trouble at all.

She pushed that thought to the back of her mind as she saw Zecora’s place in the distance and picked up her pace. Twilight knocked on the door as she mentally prepared for the impressive improv rhyming she was about to hear, as she always did when talking to Zecora.

“Twilight! What brings you here today?” Zecora asked as she answered the door, “Come in, have a drink and stay!”

“Thank you Zecora, but I actually need your help with something,” Twilight said.

“What is it that has you dismayed? I’m sure that I can be of aid,” Zecora said.

“Well have you ever heard of a purple hued Poison Joke? Pinkie Pie ran into some and instead of the normal joking effect, now she can’t stop sneezing. And the sneezing is dangerous, that’s why she isn’t here right now,” Twilight added.

“I have not seen one, in stores or in wagons,” Zecora started, “But I do know it was meant for dragons.”

“Dragons, I see… Do you happen to know anything else about this flower?” Twilight asked.

“Sadly, I do not know more about Dragon Joke. But maybe one does to whom you have not yet spoke,” Zecora rhymed.

“Who I have not yet spoke…” Twilight repeated, “what does that mean?”

“There is one whom you could speak, who has claws but has not beak.”

“I’m still not getting it.”

Zecora deadpanned. “Your pet dragon,” Zecora said, completely aware that she didn’t rhyme the sentence.

“Spike?! You think he would know the solution here?” Twilight asked, surprised.

“He may know more than you think. Maybe he’s the missing link.” Zecora said as she winked at Twilight.

“Okay, thank you for all of that Zecora, at least I know where to find help now.” Twilight said as she headed out on her way back to Ponyville. She knew exactly where to head to find Spike, he’d been out at Rarity’s again.

* * *

Twilight rushed back into Ponyville and made her way towards Carousel Boutique. She rounded a corner, and not 10 feet from the door, Spike was walking out waving back to Rarity. Twilight neared crashed into Spike but instead landed on the ground next to him.

“Twilight?! What are you doing here?” Spike asked. He clearly was surprised to see Twilight running around here, literally.

“Spike! Do you know anything of Dragon’s Joke?!” Twilight asked in a panic as she stumbled up off the ground.

“What’s going on? Are you okay?” Spike replied.

“Dragon’s Joke! What do you know of it?” Twilight yelled.

“Dragon’s Joke?” Spike asked. Twilight was visibly getting annoyed at Spike’s questions and lack of answers.

“Yes! A small, purple flower that looks like Poison Joke, but it’s, you know, purple,” Twilight managed to explain.

“Yeah, I’ve heard of it. Of course I’ve heard of it. Why wouldn’t I?”

“What do you mean? What do you know about it?!” Twilight said as she started pushing Spike back to the library.

“I’m a dragon, what makes you think I wouldn’t know about it?” Spike picked up his pace so Twilight wouldn’t be pushing him.

“Enough asking questions!” Twilight yelled, “Just answer mine! This is no situation to Joke around, Pinkie Pie needs help and who knows what she could have to my precious library as well.” Twilight picked up Spike in her magic and threw him on her back. She broke into a sprint back to the library. “Spike?! What do you know?”

“Well,” Spike started cautiously, “Dragon’s Joke was a flower created by a powerful wizard many years back when dragon’s were still mighty and plentiful. It was a Poison Joke flower that was modified under the magic of the wizard, changed to be of great affect on dragons. It would have a bizarre effect on the infected that was different for everyone, but could only be cured by one thing most dragons were incapable of, unless in dire situations. The cure was to do something extremely good for someone else, and then and only then would the problem cease. As many dragons were infected, some learned to be nice, whereas some never were cured. But seeing this is Pinkie Pie we’re talking about, it shouldn’t be too hard, right?” Spike looked up to see the library in the distance.

As Twilight approached she began to panic when she saw water and what appeared to be glass shards coming from under the front door. She pushed through the door to see the mess of her house. Water rushed past her hooves in the doorway flooding the soft earth outside. “Pinkie! What have you done!” Twilight yelled, to no response. “Pinkie! Where are you?” she said.

Twilight looked around her house, everything was affected in one way or another. A good half of the books had fallen out of their shelves on the walls, the bottom step of the staircase looked damaged. Chairs were knocked over, and Twilight’s bed sheets were soaked on the floor of the kitchen. There was a loud hissing sound coming from the somewhere in the kitchen. On top of all this almost the entire floor was covered in one or so inches of water that was filled with many glass shards everywhere, which was slowly draining outside the open door.

The worst part of all of this though, even with the hiss from the kitchen, was the eerie silence filling the rest of the library. Not a single sign of the pink pony.

“She couldn’t have left,” Twilight said to Spike, “The door was closed and that was a lot of water built up.”

Twilight proceeded into the library with extreme caution not to step on glass. The water sloshed against her hooves with each step. “Pinkie? Are you okay?” Twilight called out.

“Twilight, what happened here? Was this all because of Pinkie?” Spike asked.

“I hope not,” she replied as she slowly walked towards the kitchen, “she apparently has a sneezing problem from Dragon’s Joke.”

“But how would that cause such a mess like this?”

“I wish I knew Spike. Hopefully Pinkie’s okay,” Twilight assured.

A glance in the kitchen explained what the hissing was, as well as explaining why the library was filled with water. “Pinkie, can you hear us?” Twilight yelled.

No response.

Twilight made her way over to the bookshelves, see behind a fallen chair there was a large pile of books. Almost every book on that shelf was missing spare a few big books wedged on the shelf. Next to the fallen chair was a floating ruined book with every page missing, the title almost illegible, smudged over from the water, except for the word Manuel.

Twilight’s horn lit up and slowly pushed through the pile of books. She then saw it, a pink hoof sticking through some books.

In a frenzy Twilight started throwing books off Pinkie across the room. Her books meant nothing to her compared to a friend.

Revealing Pinkie lying in the books Twilight quickly lifted her and righted a chair with her magic. She sat Pinkie down and tried waking her. Spike rushed over, his hard scales proving him durable against the glass shards. “Pinkie…” Twilight gently called, “Pinkie can you hear me?”

Pinkie looked horrible. Half of her crazy, fluffy mane had been soaked in water, now laying out straight, while the other half was still fluffy. She had a large bruise on her forehead and small cuts across her hooves, potentially from the glass shards. She was slowly coming to.

“Twi… Twilight?” Pinkie whispered.

“Pinkie! Are you okay?” Twilight replied.

“I’ve been worse,” she winced, “Are you mad at me?”

“Mad? For what?”

“For destroying your library, your own house is in ruins,” Pinkie said.

“Pinkie, yes I am upset, but I care more how this all happened. All you could’ve done was sneeze, right?” Twilight explained.

“Well, what happened was I was thirsty…” Pinkie hesitated weirdly for a moment, then forcefully sneezed, breaking the chair down and falling into the water beneath her.

“Okay, I think I could probably figure out,” Twilight said, “But at least we know how to fix you!”

“You do?! Where’s Zecora?” Pinkie asked.

“She’s back at her place.”

“But you said we? Do we go to Zecora’s—”

“Spike and I,” Twilight said, “Spike is the one who knows about it.”

“Yeah,” Spike added, “It’s called Dragon’s Joke, an altered version of Poison Joke. All you need to do is do something extremely nice for somepony.”

Pinkie’s other half of hair deflated at that. “How am I supposed to do that? I’ve just nearly destroyed this library. In this state, I’ll be lucky if I can even do something kinda nice for somepony…” Pinkie sneezed again, sliding her back through the glassy water a few feet into the pile of fallen books. They all winced at the sound of glass crunching behind her.

“Pinkie, we can help you do something nice,” Twilight said.

“No! I’ll just end up hurting you.” Pinkie rose to her hooves. “Let me do this on my own.” Pinkie stifled a moan as she took a step.

“You need help!” Twilight yelled at her.

“I do not! I can do this.” She sneezed forcefully, completely blowing out the window next to her. Pinkie winced. “I’ll be the most helpfullest, most nicest pony ever!” Pinkie broke to a sprint out the door.

The moment she stepped out of Twilight’s library all of her muscles froze on her and she fell to her stomach. A blue glow started to emerge from her chest and spread across her body.

“Pinkie!” Twilight yelled, she teleported outside next to Pinkie, only to see a blue, transparent glow spread across her coat.

Once Pinkie was completely covered, the glow became glossy and shimmered, disappearing moments afterwards. Pinkie lay on the moist ground exhausted. “What just happened?” she asked.

Spike piped up from in the library still, his voice filled with excitement, “Wow, that’s it already? What a relief!”

Twilight asked, “Spike, what are you on about?”

“The cure! She did something nice to have the problem removed,” he said.

“What did I do that was nice?” Pinkie asked.

There was a moment of silence until Twilight gasped loudly. “My house! The library!”

“Yeah, I saw it was pretty bad,” Spike started, “But that shouldn’t take us too long to—”

“No no no, my house! Pinkie left the library and she was cured!” Twilight explained, “The nice thing she did was leave the library to prevent more potential damage to my rather abused books.”

“No more sneezies?!” Pinkie yelled.

“No more sneezies Pinkie,” Twilight replied. Spike giggled at the name.

“Say Pinkie, while you’re already at it, would you be willing to do even more good?” Twilight asked.

“What do you have in mind Twilight?”

“Well I know this library that could really use some cleaning and repairs…” Twilight offered.

“Twilight, I really would, but I’m in no shape to be doing something like that right now. I think I should head down to Fluttershy’s, she’s good at helping fix up injured animals. And I have a few cuts and bruises that she could help me with.” Pinkie explained.

“You make a good point,” Twilight said, “I’m at least going to need a place to stay at tonight though...”

“Well Twilight,” Pinkie said, “I guess after what I’ve done, I really have to let you stay the night at my house. Just promise you’ll try not to destroy anything.” Pinkie and Spike burst into laughter. Even Twilight giggled at that.

“I’ll try Pinkie. I’ll try.”

Comments

[mlplover17]

I like this story

[Derpator]

Her books meant nothing to her compared to a friend.

This was a nice read. Pinkie's sneezing mayhem was more crazy that I imagined it could have gone. Was kind of expecting that cure though when I put together her situation as well as what the cure actually was. It was a tad predictable, but that meant nothing overall. This was still great to read.

[Riser5]

4708112
I will admit the ending was definitely rushed more or less, and I could fix it up if need be. But I just needed to finish this story, it was starting to take more time than it should've.

[ambion]

Hello Riser5, I’m going to be giving ye the full work-over here. I’ll be targeting technical aspects as well as figurative, and we’ll see where it goes from there.

Now, as a thunderous-sneezer myself I am immediately tickled by the premise of this little story. Let’s dive right in-

I can tell from the manner of your writing that you’re a fair bit new to this: there’s a few things I can readily call attention to.

Firstly - Present vs Past tense. The most accepted, traditional and universal tense for narrative is the past tense. Present tense isn’t wrong, but like comparing automatic gears in a car with manual, it does require a bit of awareness on the part of the writer to make it work. By the end of the story you’re almost exclusively in past, but mixing tenses at all is a problem. The few times that present tense does shows up throws the rest of the story for a bit of a loop.

Secondly - Telling or Showing? This concept is probably one of the most fundamental of all in writing stories, and we all began with telling.

Telling is, 98% of the time, inferior to Showing. So what are they? Understanding of the terms is something a person really has to develop an awareness of for themselves, but it goes a little something like this -

Telling is Telling the story, as if it’s already happened, all the dust is settled and the songs have ended, and your telling it to me very much I was never there to see any of it in the first place.

Telling is a bit like a lecture - information without much cause for emotional response. And we always start out like this when we we’re beginners, because we have the idea of the events of the story, and the obvious thing is to recount them. To say that This happened, then That happened, then they Did that and saw This, the end.

The aim, then, with show is to put the reader into that time, and into that place. For instance: Seeing a nearby barrel, Pinkie pulled the top off and threw her head into it. Thankfully for Pinkie the barrel was empty. Unable to hold it back any longer, Pinkie released a monstrous sneeze that nearly broke the barrel. Pinkie waited for a few seconds then glanced around. A few ponies were looking at her, notably an annoyed looking stallion that started to make his way over to her. Assuming that the barrel was his, and as Pinkie didn’t want any trouble, she quickly sprinted away.

Here we have an event: a sneeze.
A sneeze that nearly breaks a barrel. Just think about that. A SNEEZE that nearly BREAKS A BARREL. That’s one hell of a sneeze, or...it must have been, right? I mean, there’s the adjective ‘monsterous’ but other than that there is nothing else in this paragraph that gives its subject, this sneeze, any kind of tangible presence. We’re TOLD to take it for granted that this sneeze is ‘monsterous’, but there’s no real evidence to make us accept and revel in that fact. Even saying that it “nearly broke the barrel” is ambiguous and lacklustre. What does that even mean, “nearly broke the barrel”?

If you’d said that the back of the barrel had been ‘blown right out and clattered loudly against the wall’, then we have something real and definitive to work with, because the sneeze has done something that’s very apparent - it’s blown out the back of the barrel, and the imagery of that backing then clattering loudly against the wall reinforces that.

Let’s go deeper: Pinkie waited for a few seconds then glanced around. A few ponies were looking at her, notably an annoyed looking stallion that started to make his way over to her. Assuming that the barrel was his, and as Pinkie didn’t want any trouble, she quickly sprinted away.

This is definitive, textbook example telling. We’re told the script of events here, but what’s going on. Is Pinkie embarrassed? Afraid? Nervous? Amused? Shocked? There’s no way to know. It’s just an itinerary of events here. We’re told that ‘Pinkie didn’t want any trouble’ but again, that’s not really enough of anything to show us what’s going on. If she’d blushed, and laughed, and said “Whoops” and gently put the barrel down and brushing a bit of duts off it before bounding away, than we’d get a clear idea of what’s going on with Pinkie Pie here as a character. Or, if she’d hesitated, and blinked, and stared blankly around for a few seconds, blinking, before shaking herself, dropping the barrel to the ground and bounding away, we know that, while the sneeze was the same, the important details of how she as a character have reacted to them has changed entirely.

But we didn’t get any of that.

It brings me to my next generality - what I’ve learned to affectionately call Talking Heads Syndrome. Let me show you:

“Twi… Twilight?” Pinkie whispered.
“Pinkie! Are you okay?” Twilight replied.
“I’ve been worse,” she winced, “Are you mad at me?”
“Mad? For what?”
“For destroying your library, your own house is in ruins,” Pinkie said.
“Pinkie, yes I am upset, but I care more how this all happened. All you could’ve done was sneeze, right?” Twilight explained.
“Well, what happened was I was thirsty…” Pinkie hesitated weirdly for a moment, then forcefully sneezed, breaking the chair down and falling into the water beneath her.
“Okay, I think I could probably figure out,” Twilight said, “But at least we know how to fix you!”
“You do?! Where’s Zecora?” Pinkie asked.
“She’s back at her place.”
“But you said we? Do we go to Zecora’s—”
“Spike and I,” Twilight said, “Spike is the one who knows about it.”
“Yeah,” Spike added, “It’s called Dragon’s Joke, an altered version of Poison Joke. All you need to do is do something extremely nice for somepony.”

Very simply put, Talking Heads Syndrome is when we see these long dialogues that have very little in the way of actions to liven them. As such, we can imagine that there’s just their heads, floating there and talking, with nothing at all going on around them.

Other than where she sneezes and falls into the water, you could easily imagine that Twilight is literally standing there, and Pinkie sitting, not doing anything, the either of them, while they talk. It’s inefficient storytelling, and a common beginners’ error.

And, like I suggested with the Nearly Broken Barrel bit, using the characters is again one of the ways to fix this. Is Pinkie fidgeting, or sniffling with tears. Could you describe how she’s still soaked, is she shivering? Are her eyes and nose swollen from the sneezing? What is she doing right now?

Same with Twilight. The best way I can think to explain it to you is to say this: Look at people having conversations in real life. We use expressions, yes, but we use our hands as much as anything, and body language. Posture, and as often as not people aren’t just standing there talking, they’re doing something. Be it walking, looking, waiting, anything.

Otherwise, we’re just reading a script.

Right, so, up to this point I’ve been taking generalities - common errors that are pretty universal, and how they apply in The Sneezies and a bit of what to change next time. But let’s look more at the specifics of this story.

This is your first paragraph - A normal day outside in the meadows next to Ponyville is naturally peaceful, especially when the sun shines bright in the depth of Spring. The gentle buzz of lulling hummingbirds fill the air as rabbits search for leaves to eat. A cool breeze pulls through the flowers and trees, carrying a peculiar sound of that of a springing bounce and the terrified screams of grass being crushed under the pink hooves of a helplessly oblivious pony.

Truth be told, most reviewers and editors will already know most everything they need to know about a piece of writing in the first page or less, and any reading after that is mostly just to confirm their own expectations bar any drastic changes in style or quality.

Yours starts purple. As an attempt at prose it’s a little bit of a backfire, sadly.“Gentle buzz of lulling hummingbirds” ? Really? What’s a ‘lulling’ hummingbird? what is the ‘depth of Spring’? the breeze ‘pulls’?

You also are slapping adjectives and adverbs onto EVERYTHING, and it kind of pollutes the paragraph with purple:

‘Naturally peaceful, shines bright, gentle buzz, lulling hummingbirds, cool breeze, peculiar sound, springing bounce, terrified screams, helplessly oblivious.’ Watch what happens when I remove all the descriptors

A normal day outside in the meadows next to Ponyville is peaceful, especially when the sun shines in the depth of Spring. The buzz of hummingbirds fill the air as rabbits search for leaves to eat. A breeze pulls through the flowers and trees, carrying a sound [as] of a bounce and the screams of grass being crushed under the pink hooves of [an] oblivious pony.

The paragraph still makes perfect sense. What does this tell us? Those words I cut out weren’t necessary to the context at all. Even worse, they didn’t really enrich the content that was already there. And as some of those words were...odd choices (seriously, what is a lulling hummingbird?) they actually brought down the quality, because the same amount of material was just spread out a little thinner. Just something to bear in mind - an adjective/adverb doesn’t guarantee something will sound better. In fact, more often than not they have the reverse effect.

The story itself --

It’s short, yes, and the pacing is a bit tattery. Pinkie finds the flowers, Pinkie sneezes twice and begins to panic, (after only TWO sneezes, mind you) goes to Twilight, whom goes to Zecora, whom sends her back to Spike, whom sends her back to Pinkie, whom goes outside, the end. It goes literally all over the place/

This is, in a way, the very same problem as a moment ago. You’ve got things that could be removed that wouldn’t really break the story. Was the trip to Zecora necessary if Twilight was just going to end up talking to Spike anyway? Or on the other hand, couldn’t Zecora have just given her the answer and remove Spike from the story entirely, and get us back to Pinkie and the actual story that much sooner?

Part of the problem, for me, is that the story WAS Pinkie Pie’s, indeed it starts with her, and the conflict is hers, and yet Twilight sort of butts in and suddenly takes over the narrative. Suddenly the writing leaves Pinkie off-stage, so to speak, and we’re following Twilight around as she collects the dragonballs. For such a short story, I don’t think switching focus-characters worked.

Otherwise, for a story about crazy powerful sneezing, there’s only something like six sneezes in the whole thing. And they’re not given much description at that. One nearly breaks a barrel. One breaks the sing, another, the chair. But where’s the SOUND, the concussive FORCE of it, something, anyhthing to (again, I call back to-) SHOW us what these sneezes are like. Where, indeed, is the earth-shattering kaboom?

The ending is...a bit of a fizzle, to be honest. ‘Going outside’ seems a bit underpar if we’re honest about what makes something ‘very nice’. Sure, it’s conscientious, polite and respectful, but anybody would have done that anyway. What’s something that would have been Pinkie Pie’s style of very nice for setting things right? What would she do that’s unique and exceptional?

As a final note, your grammar was good, and I was happy by all accounts with that.

All in all, your story has a simple, cute premise, and I like that. I think your execution was a bit inexperienced, but that’s nothing to slight you for. The pacing and plot are a bit scattered and the ending just sort of happens after the relative excitement of sinks and barrels and bookcases, which is a downer, but ultimatey writing a story like this and looking back over it and seeing all the things that can be improved upon is the best way to do just that: improve.

If there’s anything you want clairifed or have to ask, just let me know

[Riser5]

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Hey, I really do have to thank you for this. It definitely helps, especially with Show vs Tell. This is the first time I've actually understood the difference between the two. Even Ezn's writing guide wasn't too helpful on that.

I do have two things I'd like clarified though. The first is Past vs Present. When writing, assuming you're writing in past tense, does it always have to be written in past tense? Like are there actually points where you can or even need to use present tense instead, or would it be better to always use last tense no matter what?

The other thing, on THS; does that mean you can never have extended dialogue in writing, even with small actions in there, or does adding those actions in allow it? And on that would you say extended dialogue with action in it be better or worse than short dialogues spread out with a lot of story inbetween?

Also, how many years have you been writing for ambion?

[ambion]

4718305 Ok, a lot of questions.

I do have two things I'd like clarified though. The first is Past vs Present. When writing, assuming you're writing in past tense, does it always have to be written in past tense? Like are there actually points where you can or even need to use present tense instead, or would it be better to always use last tense no matter what?

The short answer is that, when writing past tense, you should consider the answer to be yes, that everything should be in past tense (not the dialogue, of course). The truth is a little more ambiguous, but the thing to keep in mind is that when professional writers mix in a bit of present tense it is for a specific, functional reason that they're aiming for and know how to achieve. It's their deep, experienced understanding of the rules that allows them to then break them, and make it work.

As such, there isn't really a reason for us to do so, though from the professionals I've seen them mix in present tense if the story is a second hand narrative of sorts - that is, the story itself is being told by a character after the fact, with the story in the past tense and the story-telling character in the present. If I recall correctly, Life of Pi is done like this. Otherwise, a few writers prefer to do bits of their exposition in present, when making statements about things that aren't dependant on the time for setting.

for example : Flowers grow brightest in spring, when the sun has them in the throes of youthful romance. The grass is moist, and the warm air fills ponies with the joy of the outdoors. Pinkie Pie felt this deeply, and bounced along the hills that overlooked Ponyville as the shinshine warmed her back

You can see that it makes sense to read, but writing with mixed tenses correctly is a bit tricky and takes practice. The advantage is that your exposition will feel immediate and closer to the reader than exclusively past tense, which is then reserved for the events of the story. Hope this clarifies that for you.

The other thing, on THS; does that mean you can never have extended dialogue in writing, even with small actions in there, or does adding those actions in allow it? And on that would you say extended dialogue with action in it be better or worse than short dialogues spread out with a lot of story inbetween?

'Never' is a very strong word, and very much relevant to the abilities of the writer. For instance, My most beloved of authors (Sir Terry Pratchett) Is often known to write very long sections of dialogue with no tags at all (that is, no X said, Y asked, X replied) or actions, often with a whole group of speakers, and it works beautifully because the dialogue itself is very specifically and mindfully designed to convey everything that the reader needs to really envision what's going on. Again, it's a case where an intimate understanding of the rules gives one the option of breaking them skillfully. Just as often he uses very vivid, intense scene laying paragraphs that space a small covnersation out over multiple pages. And these too are done beautifully well. Rather than think of one or the other style as the 'best', it's better to consider them both as tools - which tool is best suited to the particular task at hand? Sometimes one or the other is what you're looking for most.

Realistically, it's best to find a healthy balance, and typically beginners start with too much speaking and not enough emoting in any given scene.

Research suggests that most of human communication is non-verbal. It's not the content of what we're saying that expresses detail, but the manner of how we're saying it.

So to get back to the question, you can of course have extended dialogue scenes with little action, and you can also have scenes written so that lots of exposition and action break up the speech quite a bit. The point is to recognize what each of these things does, and how it affects the reader, and the story.

Saying that the small actions allows for the extended dialogue isn't a bad way of thinking about it at all.

To make an example here, imagine Zecora and Twilight having a long discussion about something as they sit in Zecora's home. Even a little account of Zecora making tea mixed through the dialogue - how the water boils, the air smells, the tea leaves crumble, how she stirs it, pours it, how Twilight burns her hoof ever so slightly and winces, the taste - little things that break up speech with little pauses and images, they'll have a dramatic effect for improving how it reads, even though the scene is still fundamentally a long section of dialogue.

If you then wanted to be very clever with this example, you'd pick your little actions to be relevant to the tone of the discussion. Is it happy and friendly? Then you might have Twilight note the warmth of the fire and the bright coals, or the sweetness and spiciness of the flavour. What about a more terse, sombre discussion? Well, then we might focus instead on the flickering shadows that the fire casts, or the strange, cloying scents that fill the air, or the way it feels for Twilight like the masks are watching her. It all goes towards evoking a certain feeling, a certain perspective in the reader.

And on that would you say extended dialogue with action in it be better or worse than short dialogues spread out with a lot of story inbetween?

There isn't a correct answer, because the question is very much context-based, and will depend on a lot of factors. Foremost is the aim and style of the writer. I find sometimes in my own writing that if I don't like how a scene feels, simply changing from one to the other can often be an improvement. It depends on what you want to get out of the story, really.

Lastly - years. I wouldn't be able to give you a specific number. I never just started writing. I've always had an eye for narrative, spotting tropes before I ever knew what the word trope was. As for actually putting words on pages, I can say it's been a good few years. Five or more, definitely.

same again, any questions, just let me know

[Riser5]

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These were actually both quite helpful. I really do feel this will be useful to help me improve. I'll make sure to keep this in mind next time, though it is a lot to work on. I guess it'll just take time.

Next step is to get started on a new story. Now if only I had a story idea...

[The Real Sonata Dusk]

Nice story