Carrots and Sticks: Searing Concoction
Blazing Skies
X- Carrots and Sticks: Searing Concoction
“HEAR ME, PONIES! I COME WITH THE ONE CALLED ‘GEO’! I SEEK AUDIENCE WITH THE PRINCESSES! BRING THEM BEFORE ME AT ONCE!”
Gilgamesh’s voice reverberates through my skull. My eyes pry open, and I see fucking pony princesses and their goddamn freak demigod manslave. My whole body is in pain. I feel my aching bones and ribs shuddering under my own weight. But I won’t stop… I’ll
kill him kill them all
What?
“Celestia and Luna, royal sovereigns of Equestria, I am Gilgamesh, warrior from beyond time and space. I come to you today so that I might enlist your aid in deciding the future of a particularly violent acquaintance of mine. One you are quite familiar with.” Gilgamesh motions to me.
“Decide my future? No way. Fuck that,” I shudder, and everything burns, but I stand. I extend my wings. I know I probably can’t win right now, but I’ll go down fighting. “YOU’LL NEVER CONTROL ME, YOU PANSY ASS-!”
Gilgamesh grabs my skull and intimately introduces me to the marble floor. He looks to Discord. “Restrain him,” He snarls. “His weaknesses are electricity, rock, and water. Don’t use metal or ice, he’s strong against those.” Fuck.
I feel rocks form around my arms. They’re dripping wet. I try to stretch my limbs against them, but receiver a shock.
“Not so fun now, is it?” He looks me dead in the face Io fregatura sua brutta faccia stupida e Stomp in polvere!
“Don’t taunt him, he’s been beaten down enough by me already. Anything beyond that now is cruelty.” Oh yeah, like you are in a position to say that! I look to him and growl lowly. Damn, can’t even talk, can I? Just my luck.
That no-good backstabbing rat looks to the two ‘pretty little princesses’. “Now that that’s dealt with for the moment, let’s go inside and have a little chat.” Dealt with. Yeah, right.
The Princesses hesitated for a moment before exchanging glances and nodding.
“Very well. Warrior Gilgamesh, we accept your audience,” Luna responded before both the sisters turned. “Please follow us.”
I sit up, and decide to bide my time. I’ll Rest here, then once I’m recovered, I’ll use Rock Smash on the cuffs. Once that’s done with, I’ll make a break for it. All of them will be away. Won’t be like last time. I can be free. Then I can take my revenge on
the disgusting creature and its associates
“Hmm-hm, hm-hm, hm, hm, hm hm hm hm hmm-hm-hm, hmm-hm-hm, hmm-hm-hm” I nod my head back and forth, humming to myself. Reality is, it’s just a distraction. I shake my head so I have an excuse to look around at the environment. Ponies have almost sideways eyes, they think they have greater peripherals. But Pokémon have a very disorderly food chain. Everything is both predator and prey. Charizards are high up, but nowhere near the top. I have enough peripherals in my DNA so I can see the whole system of the little corridor I’m in. I know exactly how far away the nearest stairwell is. I can hear their little hoovsies going clip-clop-clip-clop down them and up them. 20 meters behind me, turn right, go another 2 forward, then make a left. The stairs are in that direction. Unless I find a window that’s closer. That’ll do. But for now, I’ll work for the stairs.
All I have to focus on is how to remove Mr. Q. Let’s see… I have Protect now, so I could use that to stop his initial assault. I can Aerial Ace him for an opening. After that… a Mega Punch to the cranium might decommission him. If that’s not enough, then a good old Incinerate through the wall will be just fine. Maybe I can-
“...>(]|{]”
What the FUCK was that? It was… inhuman! I can’t even describe that noise! It just… Oh my god.
In front of me, there’s a… thing. When did that get there? It wasn’t there a minute ago! It just popped up! Out of nowhere! Oh my god! Cosa sta succedendo?
“%#).:\+=” What the hell is it saying? I can’t understand a damned word! It keeps staring at me. With those marble eyes! Stop it!
“Stop it!” I Rock Smash the cuffs, and leap back. The thing lashes out with its… appendages. I Flamethrower them. I try to Mega Punch it, but it twists around my blow. I roll away, and find myself tripping over Discord’s wounded and unconscious body. Damnit. If it took him out without me noticing, then it’s too strong for me right now. I need to back off. Let it ventilate, or try to ‘take revenge’ or ‘steal the world’s smiles’ or something that a kid’s cartoon villain would do. I need to get out of this reality, pronto! Revenge can
not wait it cannot wait!
… What?
My faltered concentration lets the thing move in, and that’s when I see the barbed tail.
“HHYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!”
SMETTILA! SI PREGA FALLO SMETTERE! MI DISPIACE!
I try to claw at it, but i can’t reach. I swing my head side to side, but my neck can’t stretch far enough to get a clear shot at any of it.
“Geo!” Gilgamesh kicks open the door, and charges in. What’s he doing here? Is he gonna
submit to the cleanser
“!?” AIUTAMI! Si prega di interrompere questa cosa!
“...-\~...*^” Cosa vuoi? Farò qualsiasi cosa! Basta avere questa cosa lontano da me! Mi fa male!
“G… Gilgamesh… what is this creature?” Ottenere quelle cose disgustose via e mi aiuta!
“I… I don’t know…But it’s not getting Geo, that’s for damn sure!” Gilgamesh dashes forwards, and strikes a pose. "HENSHIN!"
With a brilliant glow, he’s in his first transformation. He launches his boxing glove attacks. I groan, and try to wiggle off the spike. I’m almost off-
“Grgh… G… Gah!” We moved! I don’t know how, but I’m far away from where we were before! I didn’t even feel it! But- NO! Punge! Punge! Punge! Punge! It tears me off of its stinger, and carries me up its limbs until I’m near its… disgusting head.
“`...>/’\-_*_” STOP WITH THE STUPID NOISE! IT HURTS TOO MUCH! Please, just make it stop!
“Don’t know what your deal is, but he is not gonna die by your hands! TOKI WO TOMARE!” Gilgamesh charges forwards, and-
“‘Defective?’ ‘Repair?’ That’s not a machine you’re talking about, that is a life. He doesn’t need ‘repairs,’ What he needs is a lesson in friendship. I don’t know who or what you are or who you work for, but unless you want to have your existence ended, then I recommend you run now!” What happened? Did he freeze time?
It snarls, before vanishing in a black mist. I hit the ground hard.
“Haaaaahhh…” My claw barely has enough reach to hold the wound, but I’m doing it. It hurts like hell, but I can resist. I can hold it together.
“Guh… Oh, merda, that’s gonna leave a mark… ah, feckin’ hell…Oof…” As I try- and fail, to get up, I look at Gilgamesh’s eyes. “You… you saved me?”
He returns to his base form, and looks down at me. “Yeah… I did…”
“Why? That thing could’ve killed you… it kicked Discord’s ass, it kicked my ass. Why?” The edges of my vision blur.
“Because if I let that thing do whatever it wanted, then I would no longer be worthy of the scarf around my neck. I am a being who represents freedom, Geo. Freedom, and choice. To let you be taken by that… thing, for ‘repairs’, would be a blatant hypocrisy of my own values.” What? What repairs
are absolutely necessary
“Freedom… choice… Beh, a mo scopare.” No, no, no!
Gilgamesh leans in, “Do you know what that thing was? Geo?”
“Gahacough!” I cough up blood. I look to him, and wave my claws about to signal him. The ponies pick me up. I feel their magic irritating the wound. It hisses… Damn, it hurts. Da dio fa male...
As we enter a hospital room, and they set me on the table, the doctors around us quickly step between me and him, “I’m sorry, but until he’s been stabilized, you’ll have to leave.”
“G… Gil... ga… mesh…” I raise a claw at him. He steps in close, “I’m… gonna… take… a nap… make… sure… it… doesn’t… get… me…” He nods, but I know it’s not enough. “Promise… please… I know… what… it wants… don’t… let it… get to me… I know what… it’ll make me do… I don’t wanna… do it…” I feel tears… God damnit, he can’t let it take me!
“I promise. I won’t let it hurt you.”
That’s enough for me… “Rest…”
“Geo? Geo? Can you hear me, Geo?”
“Ngh… nrgh… Gah! Wh… what’s going on?” I look around. Fantastic. It’s 2001: A Dream Odyssey.
“Oh, back here again. And hey, it’s creeper-girl. What brings you to my neck of the woods?” Luna floats in front of me, glaring.
“We need information.” I’m startled by Gilgamesh’s voice. I see the warrior standing before me, hovering while tilted 30 degrees to my left. Or am I tilted 30 degrees to his right? Nevermind...
“When did you get here?”
“Just now. Now, what attacked you?” What’s the mad fool talking about now? Wait… oh god not that! No… Them knowing won’t help me any. Too strong...
“You… wouldn’t believe me if I told you…” That, too...
“Geo, after all the shit I’ve been through, whatever you say can’t be that surprising.” Suit yourself.
“System Admins.” I have to applaud myself for delivering that without breaking bearing.
All Gilgamesh gives is a single blink. “Okay, that’s a new one. A computer nerd? Seriously?”
I shake my head.“No. Not like that. THE Sys Admins. The ones who wrote the multiverse. The things that decide what goes and what doesn’t. They wrote the very fabric of spacetime. And, the script.”
Luna stares. “Script? What script?”
I breathe slowly.“The Sys Admins… made everything’s destiny. You might think that just because you averted a prophecy, that you evaded destiny. That’s just because you were supposed to avert it. Nothing is left to chance. Everything up until now has been the result of their decisions. They decided every single outcome. Every war, every gamble, every birth, every death.” … Even mine.
“You’re kidding, right?”
I shake my head in the negative.
“Holy shit.”
“But then… Teridax saved me.” I notice how I sound like someone who just ‘discovered Jesus Christ’. The fundamental difference between me and those idiots? I know that I was actually saved from a real threat. And I am also privy to how my ‘savior’ is just using me. And how I’m using him to create contingencies. I can engage the princesses all I want and he’ll pull me out of the fire. He needs me alive. Turnabout’s fair play.
“Teridax?”
“A fellow Displaced. He’s one of the few beings who isn’t a Sys Admin that can tamper with the universal code. It was he who saved me from the battle I was at with… a certain pompous asshole who steals energy.”
I note Gilgamesh’s look of confusion.
“He told me that, if I stayed there, that… puttana would’ve backstabbed me, after harvesting energy from the guards I beat, while you imbeciles were busy dealing with me. Mother fucker would’ve gotten powerful enough to make me sacrifice a wing, and almost cripple me in the following fight to kill ‘em. After that, you and your beloved sister lock me up in a magic dungeon, and the defenses there shock me until I become a damned vegetable. A VEGETABLE, do you hear me!?”
I snap my head to Luna, and feel myself boiling over. “AND THE BEST PART? I HAD NO FUCKING CHOICE IN THE MATTER! NONE OF US DID! I COULDN’T HAVE TRIED TO REASON WITH YOU, I COULDN’T HAVE DUG MY WAY OUT, I COULDN’T DO ANYTHING BUT SIT THERE, AND ROT! AND NOW THAT TERIDAX SAVED ME, THE UNIVERSE WANTS MY ASS ON A SILVER FUCKING PLATTER!” I look away from that puttana traditore and let my mind show them. It shows Teridax picking me up and showing me what they wanted to do to me.
“But… ya wanna know the best part?” Now I sound like Heath Ledger during his star-making character’s breakdown. “Now that I’m free, whoever I interact with will be freed as well. I wasn’t supposed to meet you, Gilgamesh! HAHAHA!” Somewhere in the corner of my mind, I know I’ve gone full-blown Mark Hamill laugh at this point. “And now that I DID meet you, you aren’t BOUND to their script! You say you represent FREEDOM? HAHAHA! You were never FREE until I came around and saved your sorry ass! Who knows, maybe if you didn’t summon me, you would’ve gotten killed by those assholes who did that to Canterlot! And now… they…” I think the appropriate name for this trope is Explain Explain Oh Crap.
“They wanna… correct me… they were… coming after me… to set me back on their path…” Yes, my old friend, the realization that I am currently in deep shit and there’s no easy way out.
“If I’m free, and I’ve been liberating others in my journeys… that means… those stronzo are gonna…” I clench my claw, “No. Not after all the children I went to the effort of saving… Not after all I did to avenge the ones I couldn’t… They’re not really gonna set him back? No… No, no, no, no, NO!” I shoot a stream of fire into the air. I won’t let them reset that! Not that! NOT THAT! ANYTHING BUT THAT! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!
“Wh… what happened?”
“NO, NO, NO! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! HELL NO! NO WAY! MAI! IN NESSUN CASO!”
"GEO!"
"NO! NO! THIS CAN'T HAPPEN!"
"GEO, REGAIN CONTROL OF YOURSELF!"
"THEY CAN'T BE THE ONES WHO’RE TRYING TO BRING HIM BACK!" I WON’T ALLOW IT! THE WRITING ISN’T ON THE WALL! HE CAN’T BE THAT NECESSARY! I HAVE TO DESTROY THEM ALL!
"I WAS FROZEN TODAY!"
… Was that Chris Lloyd?
"Wh-whuh?” All I can do is sputter like an idiot at him.
"Wow, that really does work,” Wow, now I feel stupid. Thanks. “Geo, now that I have your attention, I want you to listen to me."
He moves closer. "That's bullshit."
"...What? But you just saw-"
"I'm not saying I don't believe in the Sys Admins," He interrupts. "Considering I've found worlds where the Greek gods and even the Norse gods are apparently real, I can believe in multiversal tech-support. But as for this 'script' thing, I call bullshit. And all I have to say in my defense is 'if these Admins are so perfect, why do they have a repair system already in place?’ That's the kind of thing you set up if it's happened before, or if you expect something to go wrong."
“... Well, maybe it has. Teridax isn’t the only one who can… ‘Understand’. Maybe there have been others before him. And besides, why do you think that thing came after me, if it wasn’t to set me back on track?” I glare at the puttana, and snarl, “Answer me that, Gilgamesh. Why would it come after me if didn’t want me to do what I was supposed to do?”
"It's not what you're supposed to do, it's what it wants you to do. 'Destiny', 'fate', those are words used by those who have no hope or by those who have just been lucky. 'It was my destiny to become rich and powerful.' 'It was fate that my life is in such a shitty state.' It frees them from responsibility, from having to take responsibility for their own actions. Now I'm not saying everything will go your way just because you try your best, lord knows that's not true. But if you don't try at all, then things definitely won't go how you want them too."
"B-But-!" He doesn’t understand! They’ll hurt him! It doesn’t matter how long he tries! I gotta help him!
"Geo," He places his hands on my shoulders. "The moment you believe something is impossible, it becomes impossible. Just because this problem before you seems huge, insurmountable, that doesn't mean it is. Break it into smaller problems, ones you do know how to fix. You need to gain the power to defend yourselves against these lovecraftian repairmen. But before that, you have a different problem to overcome. Namely, making up for being a complete fucking asshole." He straightens up.
"I'm going to give you a promise and a choice Geo. I promise you that even with the craziness that will no doubt be coming to my Equestria I will do everything I can to make sure you never get locked in Tartarus, one way or another."
"WHAT!?" Luna screams.
"Princess Luna, please just listen for a moment." She growled but settles down, letting him continue. "If you make up for your misdeeds, if you embrace the Magic of Friendship, I will give you power. When I have the availability I will train you in combat, just as I have for others. Perhaps the Princesses could aid you with that as well. But if you refuse, if you reject it and decide to continue your ways of violence and destruction then I will ensure that you never harm anyone ever again by placing you in the one prison even you would be willing to accept: a six foot deep hole."
"What? What kind of choices are those!?" I can’t live like that! I have to go out there! I need to get away! I need to find somewhere to hide!
"At least they are choices, Geo. You are free to do as you wish, but to believe that the choices you make won't have consequences is childish at best. And speaking of consequences, it's time you received yours for attacking Luna when she entered your head last time." Oh, geez.
"What are you gonna do, beat me to a pulp? Like that hasn't happened enough times already."
"Oh no, I won't do anything as barbaric as that," I can never understand those devilish little smirks. "I just want to let you know that I'm never gonna give you up."
"Wh-What?"
"And I'm never gonna let you down." Oh, shit!
“No, no, no, wait!”
Much to my surprise, as well as his, I assume, I find myself caught in the rhythm.
“HELP ME! I CAN’T STOP!”
He looks at moon-bitch. “Uh… You doing this?” She shakes her head, obviously as confused as we are. “Well, uh, we’ll just be going, now… got a lot of stuff to do, y’know?”
“NO! Don’t you fucking leave me like this! No! NO!”
… I fucking hate him.
It's back! I'm not sure if I'll have a regular updating schedule, but I'll be damned if I give up on my treasure entirely!
And now the Gilgamesh crossover's done! Now to move onto bigger problems!
Here's the link to the other side of the coin: BAMF
As for those of you who are watching this to see the progress of the other stories I have… They're not gone either. Just massively delayed. I'm close, I promise you.
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6912738
dat nostalgia critic refrence
6912738 Let's not forget that this was written in 2014, back when we were still trying to get the War of Understanding to work.
6912861 Yeah, the hazards and benefits of writin things in advance. I think I may need to make a chronology of where an when Gilgamesh crosses over with other stories, just so people get an idea of the timeline.
6912812 Wait, where? I must've forgotten about where I put it...
6912921 ahem.
6912935 Oh right...
Hmm... I was wondering where the rouge sentinels went... Oh well they are hurting displaced... So that should take care of itself.
Also I am just curious why a second dimensional entity is messing with fate... That is my job!!! And occasionally to a more random extent... Ugh...dead pool...
6951391 FINALLY! Been waiting YEARS for someone to get that! Thank you, so much!
Hello, Rick