- Member Since 21st Jun, 2014
- offline last seen Aug 3rd, 2014
MidnightRoseDarlin
Hey! I'm Cynthia! Love to read and write! My favorite characters of all time in My Little Pony are Vinyl and Fluttershy. I like Heavy Metal and Techno music. Feel free to message me and ask more!
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Nice
This was nice
Just work on capitalizing your I's and spacing your paragraphs
Nice, but it escalated rather quickly
A good story, however there were multiple grammatical errors and the story went from 'listen to my song, Fluttershy!' to 'lets have sex!' in about thirty seconds. I would slow this down, because I cannot imagine Fluttershy bounding into this so easily. It also took me some time to realise just why Vinyl suddenly fell in love.
All in all, you get a 6/10 (and a thumbs up).
The things holding you back are grammar, pacing and character motivation (What does fluttershy want at the beginning and why does this change to her end motivation?)
-Twilight_Scratch
PS: If I can help in any way, feel free to PM me. If you find this offencive/disrespectful to your writing, feel free to delete it or PM me and I'll remove/edit it
good job mate
4590842 Thank you
I'm going to try and work on more stories to get better so this comment means alot
4583502 Thank you for the feedback! I appreciate it! I added the part about Fluttershy wanting to come out more and be more outgoing so give her a motive because she is so shy but i guess i'll make that clearer next time
4583409 Vinyl moves fast XD
4583297 Thank you
It was good but that was quick still was really good though
A sweet little story between two mares. I liked it! ^_^