Twiluna Fan(clop?)fic. Twi and Luna magically bound to each other. Gryphons massing at the borders. Chrysalis trying to get back into Equestria. Discord being Discord. Canterlot Nobles trying to tear Princess Twi's authority apart. YAY!
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Well that was unexpected, how Sunset Shimmer finally goes down.
I thought Succuponi were seeking males or will this be explained later?
Also small typo, "Achilles hHeel, there's an extra "H" should be Heel.
@Knight.
Yes, the Succuponi, or rather the original Succuponi sought out males to ease their hunger for life-essence, but they could also take and corrupt other females to do the same, with the side effect of turning the unfortunate into another of their kind, rather than just siphoning the life out of them as they did the males.
Sunset Satan was after Twilight because she'd developed an obsession with Twilight and had come to think of Twilight as her 'destined one'. Yandere Demoness after that plot, yo!
As to why Sunset Shimmer went down, BEWARE OF SPOILERS!
Sunset Shimmer wasn't defeated by Celestia's binding spell, she lost the will to fight when Twilight rejected her by attacking her, plus she still had that pure-gold blinders and horn-muffler on which was throttling her power, despite the sheer volume of magic she was throwing around trying to get it to melt off. Sunset wanted Twilight to be with her, as a lover, and to have that rejection, to have Twilight fight her, sapped her will to keep fighting. She's basically catatonic as of the next chapter.
Wow, this was good a fight scene.
So, this story came up in my Read It Later list today, and I've now read all the way through. It's interesting, though I had to roll my eyes at the whole "weeaboo" thing as it seemed unnecessarily mean-spirited.
My primary critique, though, would be your use of large font sizes, which I strongly recommend against as they draw the eye a half a page before you're supposed to read them. In effect, it's like you have characters yelling so loud that they can be heard across time from the past. Similarly, I also had to change my background color thanks to the colored text, which was inconvenient and uncomfortable on my eyes.
Seriously, it's incredibly distracting, and when you get right down to it, thinking of prose as a visual media is missing the point. Prose is best when the reader is able to forget about the text they're reading and focus on the words. Just imagine if someone wanted to do an audiobook reading of it, only to find that the meaning wasn't clear without your embellishments. Italicizing for emphasis is one thing, but anything more than that tends to just be shooting yourself in the foot. As a writer, words are your best tools, so use them!
This is just my opinion, of course, and it's much too late to even recommend anything be changed, but I hope you'll keep it in mind in the future.
4957566 You're right about the size of the text being distracting, but this is my real first 'story' attempt since Fluffybooru, which was basically all >greentext because that was what the fandom there was all about, and I am unsure about my ability to convey that shouting to the reader(s) as something loud and intense without the increase in text size.
Also, as far as I am aware, we only have 5 text sizes. This. This. This. This and this. Also the lack of multi-font means it can be even harder to describe a shift in tone or emotion without throwing even more words onto the page.
Ideally, we'll rarely see MASSIVE TEXT in the story except for when the 'Royal Canterlot Voice' makes an appearance, or we have another similarly powerful entity like Sunset Shimmer having an emotional meltdown, as I wasn't very happy with HUGE TEXT as a medium, but I felt it was better to use a visual aid like that than rely upon rusty writing skills I haven't really flexed much in over a decade.
I'm not really a giant fan of reading clop-fictions but I'm glad I took the time to sit around and read this story. Usually when I read a story that has a title saying something along the lines of "HEAVY CLOP" it is literally nothing but... yeah... Anyways. I enjoyed this story. Not sure I will continue following it though, I might get back to it whenever I'm looking for completed stories in the future though so keep updating on it. Also I didn't really find your story to be considered "clop"... It was pretty much worded around it 90% of the time, almost to the point of being able to take the tag entirely off the story and throwing a teen label on it. Usually when someone thinks "clop" there is a LOT of detail on the actual act of sex. If anything this story went into more detail on orgasm and the actual shape OF an equine penis than anything hehe. Not that that is a bad thing or anything. I'm actually kind of curious as to how many readers you drew in with the "HEAVY CLOP" thing in the title though. Even the chapters titled that way were pretty "teen" rated in my opinion :P
4991261 My biggest concern is writing a story with 'clop' in it and not tagging it enough, rather than over-tagging.
Annoying some people who are looking for some clop, eh, I don't really want to annoy them, but we'll survive.
A teenager or, more horrifying, a younger person getting an eyeful of a sexual situation because I under-tagged, worst thing ever
5005485 I can see your point but in that sense you have to look at it the other way around too. You run people off who ARE looking for stuff like that. Hardest part it seems about being an author is finding a happy median where your readers are happy and I think you may be doing it right. You aren't making it too graphic for younger viewers but you aren't making it so graphic its a complete eyesore to read so I'd rate it pretty good. I look at it like a nice romance.
This is a seriously unappreciated story. I've seen things that are ten times worse yet have ten times more likes, da hell is going on with people these days? Guess no one can take an actually good balance between clop and plot.
7018454
Maybe they don't see/fully understand the difference between story-plot/ass-plot and walk-clop/THAT-clop, so they downvote something before even reading it...
Ex: "What do they mean by heavy clop? Does it involve a lot of running!? IS IT AN ADVENTURE STORY!?!?!?" (I've ACTUALLY seen/met people like this)
and the plot version is fairly easy to see somebody doing; "OK, so is thing based more on furthering the actual plot? or is it about describing plot's!?" (I had a moment or two like this when I was first converted....)
Or maybe people are just stupid.........
5005485
Also, I've read actual famous (even though they're trash) romance, which sometimes turned out to be erotic-romance, but even they- stories written by experienced professionals who've been doing that genre for a while- had way less balance and quality and actual romance!!
Your work/story is actually better than most published romance authors I know!!!!!