Giant_Neckbeard
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Mods, if I've done something wrong with the author-notes, I think I fixed it this time so the disclaimer is now part of the Author Notes window.
Sorry about that.
Apologies, it's my first attempt to upload a story, and I'm not entirely sure if what I'm doing is right or is breaking the formula in some way or fashion.
I know I'm asking a lot, but if the submission gets nuked again, could you PM me and tell me exactly what I'm doing wrong so I don't waste any more of your time than I already have.
Many thanks, in advance.
To everyone else, welcome to my very first MLP:FIM Fanfiction! Please give me your critique, your ideas and your thumbs, up or down! Tell me what's working, and what's not!
Sympathy. Resonance. An emotional attachment between ponies, be it familial, intimate or other, I like this mechanic. I came for the romance, but my inner gamer and geek wants to see how that plays out.
I'm definitely keeping an eye on this one, Neckbeard.
This is really good so far. Poor Luna discovering her sexuality.
Tia will help!
...Right?
five stars... er hearts!
Oh Tia no what have you done! >.<
Repeat we have 
Please Advise!
Houston we have
4565782
Well, one of the primary 'hooks' of the story is, are you still 'straight' if you fall in-love with somebody of the same gender, despite having no previous sexual desires for the same gender?
Twilight and Luna believe they are straight, that they are not 'Filly-Foolers'. And then the Sympathy just walks into their life and "NOPE NOPE NOPE'S" over their expectations.
So for me, part of the fun of writing this is having two People/Ponies who are caught on the social fence, with what they thought they were, how they are feeling towards each other, and what they fear society will think of them, justified or not.
Throw in Discord, a tipsy Celestia, Canterlot Nobility who're all gunning for Twilight's authority before she can establish herself like Celestia has, Gryphons agitating about a fourth Immortal Princess and threatening outright war over it and assorted shenanigans brewing on the horizon, it's going to be a trip.
Poor Luna, Oh I hope things start going better for little Lulu and Twilight of course.
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I am so in this for the long run! *sits next to packed bags eagerly*
I just read the description and i'm already in. It can just finish with success
I like it. I look forward to seeing what this will eventually become.
For the people giving me thumbs-down, exactly what am I doing that's 'wrong', so I can fix it in future chapters?
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The ones thumbing you down most likely aren't even reading your story. There are some users who just like pressing the thumbs down button it gives them a rush trust me. Also i'd be happy to be a prereader for you i'm very fast!
Huuum, interesting so far. Deserves more attention than what it has gotten so far, that much is sure.
Favorite and upvote!
Very interesting start. Please continue this story; the idea of the Mane 6 pack of themes doughnuts is both interesting and hilarious enough that it should be part of headcannon; is is now for me.
Trollestia, what HAVE you done now?
Dreaded that a weird way to spell welcomed
4569984 Eh?
Oh.
Yeah, it's not everyone's cup of tea.
Tell me what you think of using colouration for thoughts?
So if Twilight is thinking something, it will be this colour, and if Luna is thinking something, it will be this colour, trying to match up the coat-colouration to the thoughts of the Ponies in question.
HEADCANNONS, FIYAAAAAH!
I regret many things.
This chapter is one of them.
It's just too good. Discord been rapped by vengance by Celestia, and more than one! In addition, the Ioda- Fluttershy reference and gag. It's just fantastic. Please, continue!
4573409
I see nothing wrong with that approach so long as it is only two characters doing it for the most part. I've read a story where they did that for every character and it got kind of annoying after awhile. Didn't help that one of the colors they chose blended with the background.
So poor Discord triggered Molestia mode. Poor guy.
You'll get Discord's P.O.V. in the next chapter.
A couple of folks have contacted me, asking if I'm going to do descriptive sex scenes.
The answer is no
, not unless I feel there's a glaring need for it 
. Your own imaginations should be most sufficient for that, I'll just couch it in terms that evoke the imagery to explain the situation and you can go from there. 
I know under the 'sex' tag I can get away with pretty much a blow-by-blow (heh) description of the acts, but I think that takes away from the scenes? Allowing the reader to imagine it in their own ways, with their own minds, makes for a much more satisfying reading than having you plod through my descriptions.
I lol'd. Seriously. And luna opening up has made that side of things better as well. Poor Rarity though. She is repressing a little bit of a crush it seems.
It's sweet ^^
Though I am wondering exactly what Tia did...
4575368 That'll crop up again in later chapters.
Let's just say the history that the Ponies and other sentient Races of Equestria are told is a heavily edited and sanitized version in this setting.
Speaking of which, should I label this as 'Alternate Universe' or not, considering the liberties I'm taking with Twilicorn, Cadence and the history of Equestria?
4575507
I'd say you on on the barrier between canon and AU but to be safe i'd go with AU. I really am loving your story so far ^^
4575507
I'd err on the side of caution and add it myself. Though, AU tag or no, this is a great story so far.
Four cliffhangers in one chapter? Good thing you update fast cause that is a little harsh! I like how natural the conversations between characters are flowing since many stories deel like just one char talking through many mouths.
But four man. Wow.
i like the end of this chapter ........ i give you a
and a 
for that end
ps. i am looking forward to more
One thing I must ask, did I get Zecora's rhyming right? It's so hard to write her dialogue, and I'm half tempted to start flipping tables and just have her speak normally.
In all seriousness, with Chapter 7, did it come across as forced or dull? Not entirely happy with the Clop scene.
4585358
It felt...underdescribed? While it was a sex scene, I don't think I'd call it clop. I've seen sex scenes in published novels that were more explicit. And no, I'm not talking about romance novels (the books that immediately spring to mind are space opera).
Time for more Zecora writing
Faust dang it.
People have asked why there's not more Pinkie Pie in this fanfic.
It's very simple.
She irritates the !@#$ out of me
First season she was okay, second season, eh, third season it was just nonsense and lol-I'm-random meme bulldust thrown into the show simply because 'Oh Pinkie, you're so random'.
It's not endearing. It's aggravating.
I literally skip those episodes when I'm babysitting one of my D&D player's little girl because I physically can not be in the room when she pops onto the screen. Very rarely in season 4 have we ever seen the original 'nutbar' Pinkie that we loved so much from season 1.
Tone down the random and go back to the '4th wall' for Pinkie's jokes.
4587725
One of the things I wanted to challenge myself with this story is "How can I write a sex-scene without going full-on clop/porn?" Tasteful Clop, and no, I don't mean licking the hoof afterwards. Not sure if it worked or not, but considering that children can access this site and potentially access my story, even if they do have to click the sex/gore/mature tags, that's a level of squick I hope to avoid.
Also I don't like Chris Hansen.
Keeping the tradition alive of Twilight Velvet being a 'Romance' Novelist.
Sorry Twi, it's just too good a tradition to let go. 
Then again, you did send her the translated Neighponese Scrolls .... something you'd like to confess?
I thought as much. 
4589306
Doubt Twi would have much to confess if she is a virgin as mentioned earlier.
4589402 Oh, I agree. Trust me, Twilight Velvet's career and the impact it's had on her daughter will come up later. I was trying to have a joke and it fell flat. Again. Still. Forever!
Tell me what you think of the latest two chapters! I'm trying something new with Chrysalis, something I felt she displayed in her scenes in the Canterlot Wedding episodes, her dedication to her Swarm, her Hive, and her pride as a Queen and provider to her Changelings.
Wait, who made me part of the Twilight's Marem group? No, no, you won't tempt me, nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo *is subjected to the 'marshmallow hell'* Or at least, not in this story.
I smell something very bad there, what have this two ancient bad girls done? The neightponese could meen something like... I'm to scare to guess!
Aside this strang and perturbing event, good story, keep going! (and i love it when there are a lot of update like you do)
4589543
I'm liking what I'm seeing personally. I'm very interested in what is happening with Chrysalis in particular as well as the chaos with Luna and Twilight. I personally am liking the jokes but I suppose that one just kind of flew over my head. Particularly fond of dense Rainbow and innocent Twilight moments.
I do have to point out something though.
Applejack is mighty impressive if she can stand there while holding herself down.
4589557
Yea one Rarity is bad enough.
Also I love what Angel did to the Ponyville town hall.
Hmm interested in seeing where chrysalis theme is going, but I am thinking redemption for her might be more transformative than most portrey.
4589543 Now you are making me worder if Chrysalis will end up like Discord in MLP because she clearly attacked Canterlot for love/food so maybe in the future she will join Celestia in order to not die of hunger or we won't see her again and assume she and all the other changelings starved to death
4589967
Go with the old tried and true, if a villain doesn't die on screen they are still around to be pulled back where it is convenient.
I really hope that, whatever is wrong with Chryssie, she'll be healed.
4589682 Thanks for noticing that typo, fixing it now!
This is getting good.
I'm noticing I'm making everyone swear a bit much, I'll work on that.
Is Zecora's rhyming coming across alright, or is it sounding forced? She's damn hard to write with that verbal gimmick.
Any other bugs/issues/complaints, let me know.
Trollestia and Molestia? Sheesh