Too Late For Apologies

The darkness of the apartment halls was discomforting, but fitting for the dreadful atmosphere surrounding the lonely mare trying to remember her old apartment number. She was thankful for the broken elevator, despite her only climbing up two floors. Broken elevator or not, she would most likely have taken the stairs regardless, almost stalling to confront her problems. Each step she took garnered some new memory, mostly fond ones that she had previously been too intoxicated to remember.

Octavia stopped in front of one of many crimson doors. 214 was the apartment number. The half-heart shaped wood piece with the name Vinyl etched into it was evidence enough. A shadow on the ground caught her eye, the other half of the heart tossed and torn to pieces. Octavia would have guessed that someone would have taken responsibility and cleaned it up, but she decided not to pay it any mind for now. It’s not like she could do much to repair it.

The mare reached into the bag hanging off her side, pulling out what she hoped to be the right key to the door. Octavia looked solemnly at the key in her hoof. Cold feet was a typically symptom of the fright of performing on stage, but there was no crowd waiting for her tonight in any of the establishments of Canterlot. Tonight, she stood alone, outside of the apartment she once called home, contemplating past decisions and how she would deal with the current hiccup in life.

The crimson door glared dreadfully back at the grey mare who managed to break eye contact with the small key. Octavia stared at the bold numbers nailed on the door. She pursed her lips and cleared her throat. Her heartbeat made her ears twitch, her legs began to shake and she could feel small beads of sweat well up, slowly accumulating on her forehead. The door wasn't even open yet and Octavia was already practicing greetings and going through various scenarios in her mind that would result in her having to leave. What was the best way to cope with a former friend and lover yelling at you? Octavia was not sure of the answer. Instead she continued to stare absent-mindedly into the crimson paint of the door and think.

It's easy to fall prey to the ‘what ifs’ in life, after everything is said and done and while a pony grows up and matures. What if Octavia had done better? What if Octavia had better self control? It all dragged on and on, countless scenarios with the worst possible outcomes. What if, what if, what if…

The questions seemed to keep coming the more and more she stood outside of the door. It really was a strange thing, the thoughts anxiety could bring to a pony who realizes the consequences of a negative action. What if Vinyl wasn't even home? What if Octavia would just walk into the lives of unsuspecting ponies, hoping that a past love was inside? Hopefully the Royal Guard would not have to get involved. However, Octavia felt that they would get involved some way or another.

Octavia matured as best she could. She was just hoping Vinyl did as well, even if her spasmodic nature didn't seem to allow it.

There was no telling the reaction that Vinyl would have of seeing Octavia for the first time in a few months, but a part of Octavia hoped for tears and a hug, followed by a heartwarming ‘I missed you!’ like she was used to when coming back from a tour. Realistically though, Octavia expected the worst. She knew Vinyl more than anyone else in Canterlot and she knew that temper better than any of the ponies who caused a fuss in her shows.

“Come on,” Octavia whispered to herself. “It’s just a quick apology. Just explain yourself to her and whatever happens...happens.”

Octavia managed to fit the key in and turned it. Relief washed over her, but was quickly replaced with dread. This was it. The moment of truth. Octavia pushed her hoof against the door, watching it slowly swing open. Something dropped inside followed by a “Dammit!” coming from somewhere inside.

It took a lot of energy and courage, but Octavia took a single step inside, her hoof tickled by the softness of the rug. She loved that old feeling, remembering the joy it brought her every time she came back home from a long exhausting night. But she felt regret the further down the hall she went after silently closing the door. Octavia looked at the wall where pictures of the two mares used to hang, both full of love and full of life. Vinyl records hung on the walls now, some cracked, others in near-mint condition. Bags of various items, ranging from junk, to musical equipment, stacked on each other, ignoring the shelves and organization racks set in place for the occasion.

Octavia’s lip quivered, but she kept herself going. After all, wasn’t she just here to get things off her chest? But what if Vinyl doesn’t want to hear any of it?

The more she stepped further into her old home, the more her idea of seeing Vinyl seemed stupid. What good would a simple apology do for the DJ? She was more stubborn than anyone else in Canterlot, and that was saying something.

Octavia entered the living room, Vinyl’s back to the mare, a flashlight shining into the electronics of her speakers and a screwdriver levitating beside her, occasionally poking around in the speaker. A thousand ways of saying hello were practiced, but nothing really prepared Octavia for this. Vinyl was dirty, splotches of sweat staining her stark white coat and her mane a bigger mess than usual.

Octavia cleared her throat, causing Vinyl to jolt and spin around, the screwdriver flying across the room and smacking into the wall. There were bags under her eyes and she could barely stand on her own without leaning on the couch. Octavia felt guilt, or something worse than it. She could not describe the feeling. During the month she had been away, Octavia never really thought about Vinyl’s drinking problem. She figured that Vinyl might pick it back up, although not as bad as it used to be, but the apartment reeked of alcohol and hard cider for the first time in a few years.

“What are you doing here?” She growled. She managed to stand up on her own without any assistance, slowly inching her way towards Octavia.

“I...Well, I thought…” Octavia stammered, struggling to find the words. Vinyl glared at her, impatiently waiting for a response. “Look, hon, I just—”

“Don’t call me that.” Vinyl said dryly. Octavia could see the anger in her eyes, the urge to just outright kick her out almost blindingly obvious. The glare was threatening, borderline murderous from where Octavia was standing.

She hasn’t done anything yet, Octavia thought to herself. “Can we talk? Please?”

“No.”

“Thank you, I—” Octavia stopped. “What?”

“I said no.” Vinyl fell hard on her rear, almost tumbling over completely. Cider bottles fell on the floor, earning a few bangs from the ponies living downstairs. She furrowed her brow and rubbed her head, and groaned through grit teeth. “Damn!”

Octavia stepped forward, offering a hoof, but Vinyl swats it away. The gesture stung the grey mare’s heart, but she understood that kind of anger and frustration. “Are you okay?”

“Oh! Yeah! Of course!” Vinyl laughed, forcing a smile. “Never better!”

“Vinyl, I—”

“No, no, no, no, no!” Vinyl managed to get on all fours again. “The mare I fell in love with comes back to me after a ‘rough night’ with little miss harp-player!”

Octavia wanted to dig a hole and bury herself in it. She knew she did not deserve a pony like Vinyl, and yet they spent four happy years together, going through thick and thin. Even before they became an official couple, they were the best of friends, always there for each other and always keeping the bullies away. And here they were now, fractured and distant.

“Vinyl, please,” Octavia managed through the lump forming in her throat. “I’m trying to—”

“I bet she was a real charmer, huh? Better than me in bed? Must have been if you—”

“Shut up!” Octavia cried. She tried to hold the tears back, but ultimately failed. The tears stained the floor, coming out in a continuous stream. This was the pony she loved more than anything else in Equestria, but no amount of truth justified that tone, that mockery, in Octavia’s mind. Breaths came out in sporadic bursts as Octavia stood in silence for more than a few seconds, eyes closed and deep in thought. Vinyl almost managed to get another word out, but Octavia snapped. “I-I obviously wouldn’t be here if I didn’t care about you!”

Vinyl’s faux smile faded, replaced by a frown. It was more a frown of depression than anything else. Octavia faltered, but there was still a shadow looming over her, something waiting to come out.

“I messed up Vinyl, I knew that a long time ago,” Octavia stammered. She wiped away her tears with her hoof. “And I know that what happened hurt you. But that does not give you the right to speak to me that way.”

Vinyl looked away, refusing to look at Octavia any further. She sniffed and let out a long, drawn out sigh. “I’m sorry.”

“Me too.” Octavia sniffed. She looked at the white mare ahead of her, who hung her head low like a dog feeling the overwhelming guilt of a wrong action. Despite everything that has happened between them, Octavia still loved her. All the words that were spoken all seemed so petty now, like none of it even mattered anymore. Vinyl was the same mare Octavia fell in love with all those years ago, and for better or for worse, she really had not changed much in all those years they had known each other. That kind of stubbornness was admirable, refusing to change for anyone else besides yourself, only until you met that special somebody. That’s when the change tends to come in, or so Octavia has noticed.

“You know what’s funny?” Vinyl questioned, her voice cracking. “It should have been me.”

Octavia tilted her head slightly. “I know Vinyl, and I’m sorry for what I did.”

“No, that’s not what I meant.” Vinyl wiped her eyes. Octavia personally disliked that. It was obvious who the more emotionally expressive pony was in the former couple. “I meant that I should have been the one who cheated. It just...It just would have made more sense, you know?”

“Vinyl?” Octavia raised an eyebrow.

“I always was the one who drank the most, partied the hardest. Yet, I couldn’t bring myself to do what you did.” Octavia swallowed the lump in her throat. She stared at Vinyl, who picked up her head and finally made eye contact. “You meant so much to me that even when I was drunk, I knew that cheating on you would be the biggest mistake of my life.”

“Vinyl…” Octavia’s voice trailed off. She pursed her lips. Vinyl was right in a way. Given her late night behavior, it should have been her that made the mistake, not Octavia. It would have, as Vinyl said, made more sense. “I’m sorry. As much as I know you probably won’t believe me, I still love you. You mean so much to me and I know I screwed things up. There’s nothing I can do to make it up to you.”

Vinyl’s ears twitched. “I still love you too Octy.”

Octavia stared at the floor, shooting a glance at Vinyl every now and again. The two stood in silence, waiting for someone to progress the conversation.

“If…” Vinyl bit her lip. “If you do love me. If you do care about me and how I feel...Then you’d leave. Right now. If there’s one thing you can do to make it up to me, it’s leaving. If you want what’s best for me, just...go and do your own thing. I’ll do mine, and we’ll meet new people, make new bonds, shit like that. Excuse that. But, it’s best if we just...burn bridges, you know what I mean? We both hurt each other a lot.”

“I…” Octavia felt a pain in her chest and the lump in her throat returned. She was right. Octavia hated that, but Vinyl's point was a good one. Their perceptions of each other had skewed drastically in the last weeks of their relationships, and no matter what Octavia would try to do to make things up, that new perception will always be there. “Okay.”

Vinyl followed Octavia to the door, both of them keeping their eyes trained on the ground, holding back emotions. Octavia left her key in the door, hoping Vinyl would...Do something to it. She cared, but at this point, it was probably best to pretend that she didn’t, just so she would not have to fight the urge to come back to this place and see the pony she had caused so much damage to. Octavia had done her best. Despite telling herself that, she knew she could have done better. But it was too late to do anything now.

Octavia’s hooves transitioned from the soft rug of the apartment to the rough, hard surface of the hallway, silently echoing through the empty building. This was it. She turned around to face Vinyl for what would probably be the last time. She was beautiful, a typical trait of a Canterlot-born unicorn. It was hard to find that kind of beauty in anyone else.

“Be safe?” Vinyl whispered.

“I’ll try.”

“I’m sorry.” Vinyl shifted uncomfortably.

“Don’t be. I understand.”

“I...um…” Vinyl looked Octavia in the eyes. Even in the dim lighting, Vinyl’s eyes managed to glow with life, despite the obvious depression she had been going through. Octavia loved that. She managed a small smile, but Vinyl didn’t return the gesture. Instead, she bit her lip again and stared longingly at Octavia.

Her head lunged forward, lips connecting to Octavia’s for only a brief moment before pulling away, blushing, breathing heavily and finally allowing her tears to slowly fall down her cheeks. Octavia wanted more, but held back the urge to lean in for another kiss. She desperately hoped Vinyl would come back for another, but the white mare never did. Instead, the two just stared at each other, both feeling the immense impact of the quick peck on the lips.

“I...I’m sorry.” Vinyl turned her gaze to the door. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Vinyl, I—”

“I’m sorry.” Vinyl backed away, a blue aura surrounding the crimson door, closing slowly. Vinyl shot Octavia another quick glance, her eyes darting all over the grey mare’s face. “Bye.”

The door closed.

Octavia stared at the bold numbers nailed on the door. She pursed her lips and cleared her throat. Her heartbeat made her ears twitch, but at least her legs were not shaking as much anymore.

“Bye.”

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