Pepper Jack

Winter wrap up has just finished up and its time for Pepper Jack to start his route through Equestria to trade. What adventures await? Will he make new friends? Meet old friends?Find new trade opportunities? Find out ^w^

Chapters (4)

White Tail Woods · 6th Sep 2014 · 2,044 words
2,044
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Rude Awakenings · 14th Sep 2014 · 2,272 words
2,272
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Midnight Revelations · 6th Oct 2014 · 1,573 words
1,573
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Temperamental mare · 8th Jan 2015 · 1,054 words
1,054
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Comments ( 8 )

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The Guardian and Friends

The Guardian and Friends #1 · Sep 6th, 2014 · 4 · 1 · White Tail Woods ·

An OC that isn't an alicorn? HALLELUJAH! THIS WON'T BE A GARY STU-

i1369.photobucket.com/albums/ag226/ifreakinglovetrolls/ScreenShot2014-09-06at74443PM_zpsa4b7851e.png
i1369.photobucket.com/albums/ag226/ifreakinglovetrolls/ScreenShot2014-09-06at74445PM_zps7cfc1445.png

Oh god, he's going to end up in a relationship with one of them.

Cool Doritos Locos Taco

Cool Doritos Locos Taco #2 · Sep 7th, 2014 · · 3 · White Tail Woods ·

i.imgur.com/ZCOEowq.jpg

Nigga must be high as fuck for this to happen.

Sea_Swirl

Sea_Swirl #3 · Sep 7th, 2014 · · · White Tail Woods ·

This was awesome!

Blackguard

Blackguard #4 · Sep 14th, 2014 · · · White Tail Woods ·

There's a problem here. Can you see it?

The soft rays of the sun shone through the canopy of the forest. The air was filled with the sounds of buzzing insects a rustling leaves. Apart from the sounds of nature the soft creak of wood could be heard by the lone unicorn pulling his cart. The feel of soft dirt on his hooves and the smell of spring in the air called Pepperjack’s nerves.
The blissful sounds of Whitetail woods always filled him with a sense of euphoria. It was almost like he wasn’t pulling a heavy cart filled with precious spices. Spices his family had spent the last year growing and drying, grinding and mixing, and preparing for the coming year. It was almost like he wasn’t pulling a cart with his family’s livelihood.

Please look again...

Really? You don't see it? Apart from the slight spelling and grammar errors I thought it would be obvious but I guess not. Your descriptions suffer from "toomuchitis". It's not as well known as the dreaded professis purpureus better known as "purple prose" but it's edging up there. In short, you've got too much happening. I know what it is you're trying to do in building the world and telling us what is happening but you're going a little overboard in your descriptions.

Also, it's not necessary to tell us every single thing that happens to said pony as he makes his way with his cart full of precious spices. Is it necessary to describe the blanket he ate on? Or the fact that it was apples, spiced bread and peach jam that he ate? Do any of these things add to the story and would the story be diminished in any way if you took them out? The answer is of course no.

saloony78

saloony78 #5 · Sep 14th, 2014 · · · Rude Awakenings ·

Honestly, I'd like to see where this goes. Compared to other stories, your grammar is actually okay. (I've seen bad grammar with more likes. ) I'd suggest you get a proofreader and an editor. Several bits are a little confusing to read, and I'm often 'blank' on what's going on. (You've got too much happening). Perhaps think about elevating the atmosphere and suspense.

Pretty good, though.

Kuroy

Kuroy #6 · Sep 14th, 2014 · · · Rude Awakenings ·

4999097 Where should I go to get one.(proofreader and editor) and yes I do tend to babble I just don't want to rush my story. I just haven't found that balance between detail and content yet.

saloony78