• Member Since 21st Jun, 2012
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Mark Hirami, a young male human of twenty-six, isn't sure how he ended up in Equestria, but with seemingly no way home, he decides that the burden is on him to adjust himself to this new world and the creatures...er, ponies who inhabit it. It won't be easy, being the only one of his kind in this strange new world...but is that really a bad thing?

Chapters (8)
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Comments ( 74 )

Pretty good! I'm very intersted on how he got there too. Maybe a flashback chapter? Le me favorite this book.

Great Start, keep up the good work! Fav & like for you :pinkiehappy:

this is a nice start

Applejack let out a loud whoop of exultation as she bucked her last tree, watching the trunk shake from her powerful kick, every apple dropping into the carefully placed baskets below.

I would put
and every apple drop into the...

She watched long enough to make sure no apple missed, then happily struck her victory pose…and then shook herself, her golden coat now drenched in sweat.

What's with the '...'
Applejack doesn't have a golden coat

Not trying to be a dick here but that's as far as i can go.
Good luck with a revise if you do one.

You have the beginnings of a nice story here. Your grammar & spelling look great and you have a unique start to your story in that it begins several months into his stay. I'll be watching this.

2167503

The ... represents a pause, a build-up of sorts. And yes, I'll change that bit about AJ's coat; that was what I was thinking when I thought of how to describe her coat.

By the way, do you know how to do a...fancy page break (for lack of better term)? I'm wanting to separate the sections of each chapter with more than just a boring old page break like this chapter currently has after Mark is revealed to be a human.

2166137

There will probably be a flashback chapter later. I'm also planning on giving small descriptions of his arrival and early days and weeks in Ponyville, so yes, the past will be revealed.

2175034

I think what your asking for is ascii art
I don't have any though
I would suggest you take out the '...' btw
I don't think there should be build up to the scene of apples falling

I looked for ascii art that would work for a line break
but couldn't find any
I failed you :fluttershyouch:

Check out this website
http://www.asciiworld.com/new_ascii_art-60.html

Moar and I hope there will be human x rarity I don't see many of them out there.

And when spike finds out he goes bat shit crazy and tries to kill the human that would be hilarious.

Men I really hoped that was Pinkie Pie, at least he can understand half of it. If Twilight was the one who yank him inside, well after all the stress he has, plus the anger from being an outsider…well Twilight is 2 wrong words and actions to discover the meaning of beware of the nice ones. I am serious, I'm with Mark, if Twilight had make him stay on his guard, and treat him like some subject of experiment for 6 mounts rather than a living being, well she may be pushing something she really don't want to see.

On other noted, Pinkie is closed to do the same, and perhaps AJ too consider how she is treating the subject. I really hoped they catch what they are doing before is too lated

This has potential. So long as you avoid the Stu

> The second thing…well…he wasn’t a stallion, or even an equine of any sort. Heck, he wasn’t even an animal, period.

I'm not sure you really thought that through. Humans are animals. We sometimes distinguish between humans and animals this way colloquially, but from Applejack's perspective, she should either consider humans and ponies to both be animals (in the biological classification sense) or she should consider humans, ponies, and anything else that can reason not to be animals. There really isn't any reason why she would think ponies were animals and humans weren't.

2922948 In this story, humans are completely unknown to Equestria, so the term is more to show how different he is from the creatures that inhabit Equestria.

2923431

Still makes utterly zero sense, but I won't argue the point with you.

Did not, for the life of me, see that ending coming.....NIce.:moustache:

I have somehow lost a lot of respect to that human, all you point out, make me believe he had every right to be furious with Twilight, not this! I don't care what happen, that was rape plain and simple, this is complete the opposite of what should have happen. And what there friends are saying is worse, they are mocking something serious, and the only one to be in character its seems to be Rarity, hell I was hoping Shy will be more than mad with Twilight, she hurt, took advantage and do hoorible things to him without his permission…multiple times already for cry out loud.

2940019

Part of that is because I'm still working on portraying the girls; that's the big reason this chapter took so long to get out.

I will say that what happened, what actually happened, wasn't rape, and that will be revealed in a later chapter. Do bear in mind that what actually happened hasn't been fully revealed, only hinted at. What makes you so sure Twilight didn't stop at the last moment and ask his permission?

2948183
The way you put it that she never, ever ask and just do test to him, and have no bonders about personal espace and the way you put it, make it look like he hit him and put him in the iron bed, and also that he hate visit her, and the fact that he ask to for her to ask her and the fact that he struggle and the fact that he over all try to keep his distance with the ponys and try to be as way away from them as possible.

Pretty much for that, buuuut…like you said, appearance can be wrong

bout time a chapter comes up :pinkiecrazy:. cant wait for more

3088070

If you're referring to the kiss on Luna's hoof, do recall what she did when she arrived in Ponyville in "Luna Eclipsed". Also, more will be revealed in the next chapter.

In the meantime, kindly be more constructive and less critical.

While I am okay with humans being respectful the way he just basically caved in and bent over for Luna left a bit of a bitter taste in my mouth.

What was with Luna's attitude? She show's up late like she had better shit to do, then proceeds to unnerve the guy for the hell of it. She maybe a princess but being respectful is supposed to go both ways. Celestia got that right, Luna not so much.

3088536

Things will be explained in the next chapter.

3088838

Celestia isn't missing a thousand years of experience and understanding.

Folks, I appreciate the commentary, but please, just be a bit patient and most of your concerns will be addressed in due time throughout the story. Do bear in mind that I've never claimed to be a master author, so this story will need tweaking over time as I get better.

3091054

Do bear in mind that Mark is doubly disadvantaged when it comes to Luna. Not only is he still learning modern Equestrian customs, but Luna is a bit more old-fashioned than the rest, ergo he has little to no understanding of what she finds offensive.

3091077
Still, he didn't have to basically bend over. He could have done nothing and ask for forgiveness, or just tell her he doesn't know what she expects him to do. Or even ask one of the girls, or Celestia.
I am sorry, but what you did put made him seem weak, and her like a bitch.

Maybe it iz just me.

3091109

His behavior is based on my own personal experience. I have a mild autism that makes it harder for me to read nonverbal signals from other people, so when I deal with them, for better or worse, I tend to err on the side of caution. Granted, it can make me seem a bit subservient at times, but for the time being, I'd rather be that than offensive.

3091132
Ah. If you say so.
Just please don't have him be submissive all of the time. I understand being cautious, but too much of it will make it seem more like cowardice.

3088070 3088208 3088536 3088208
...I really don't understand why everyone is making such a fuss about him bowing and kissing her hoof. It's not like he grovelled, acted servile, or anything degrading like that—he was just trying to grasp the decorum. I mean, is it really wrong to show proper respect to one of the leaders of the nation you are a guest in? I mean, he said it himself—he was clearly being courteous, not cowardly or sycophantic, in trying not to insult her.

Really, I think you're all making a mountain out of a molehill here...

3092600
I don't know about everyone else, but for me it was the way it transpired that left me miffed. To me it seemed like he did that much more out of fear, and not respect, which just makes him seem like a weak character. And of course the way Luna was acting didn't help.

3092754

Do bear in mind that Luna is an almighty Alicorn who can move the moon and stars, so it certainly wouldn't be good for his health if he did offend her.

And as far as Luna's behavior, I've just noticed in most of the episodes she's in, she's usually more aloof than Celestia and doesn't speak as much. I was also inspired by her behavior in "Luna Eclipsed".

3093817

Hmm, it seems to me that kissing her hoof would be something that many ponies have forgotten about.

My point being that it was once something WE did centuries ago as a sign of respect.

In Luna Eclipsed she made the same action to many ponies, but they did nothing. Probably because they didn't understand what she wanted them to do.

The fact that our Human here DID know will most likely be something that she'll remember and like him for.

This is all just speculation and guesswork mind you. I'm not the author, but do tell if I'm onto something here :twilightsmile:

3128969

You actually nailed it. I'm of the opinion, after seeing "Luna Eclipsed" that Luna is very old-school when it comes to showing respect and the like, even after Twilight helped her into modern times, so I believe that's how she'd greet a newcomer. He still has a bit to go before she completely trusts him, but as demonstrated by her change in demeanor, he's made a good start.

Your decision to start with the human protagonist as being in Equestria and in contact with the native equines for six months already is a clever diversion from the standard.:coolphoto:

For the love of celestia please! No Sparity!

Gah! Just typing that makes me want to vomit!

... Worst ship ever!!

3355644

Eh, I was actually going to address that, because it's such an integral part of the show that I don't think I can just gloss over it. Still not sure which way I'll have Rarity go, but it's something I feel I need to address.

3355723 I have to agree with my man spetsnaz down there, Sparity sucks! It would have been entirely fair to gloss over it, considering they aren't dating in the show, it's just a kid with a crush. Not much different then a kid having the hots for his babysitter.

Anyway yeah you maybe overplaying the pony attraction a tid bit. I understand the lack of stallions would generally make ponies more open to different species relationships, but they still wouldn't necessarily have a physical attraction to him, just because he's male. I mean he has to look pretty freakin alien to them, being bipedal and fur less. Just be careful, you may slip into stu territory, by having so many ponies wanting a piece of the human.

3358273

Well, the attraction isn't just because he's male. It's also because he shares some of the values the ponies have; Applejack appreciates hard work and a willingness to get dirty and Rarity values manners. He has both, so I think it natural they would find him appealing.

As to his bipedal nature and lack of fur, do bear in mind that some dragons and the Diamond Dogs have those same traits in the show, so they wouldn't be completely alien to them. I'm also keeping in mind the lesson the girls all learned in "Bridle Gossip". In the six months he's been there, Mark has shown that, despite what he may look like on the outside, on the inside, he's not that much different from the Mane Six.

Saw that this story got a thumbs down today. Just want to say that this story is a continuing work in progress, so while I'm not afraid of criticism, don't hold the flaws in this story against me too much; I'm learning as I go, and this story will be improved as I learn.

It's been so long since I last saw this fic that I had to go back and re-read a couple chapters just to remember what the heck is going on. I now remember why I liked this fic though my views on what makes a good fic now has changed drastically, hurray for becoming jaded:pinkiehappy:. I do feel that there are a couple eh.... cliches as it were, BUT and this is a big but, they're presented in a better way than alot of other fics seem to manage though still just a touch too cliched for my tastes. Not enough to have me flaming over it, just watch your step.

Aside from that my main concern is this sentence,

I'm sorry to say that things aren't as peaceful there as they are here.”

Please for the love for all that is holy please don't tell me this is going to fall into a misanthropic black hole of death and destruction. Back when I first started reading on this site I would let such things pass cause I didn't care enough and just read past such parts but now... now I jump at them like Roxo the Clown to a pile of cocaine.

I'm am happy to see this is back and do look forward to what is to come.:moustache:

4366842 Honestly, he's just telling the truth. I mean, compared to Equestria, Earth is pretty lousy, though not unbearable. And no, there's not going to be a whole lot of drama in this story. Yeah, my character will have a dark spot in his past, but I'm not planning on it being some "childhood rape" type deal.

And in the interest of improving this story in the future, what clichés are there?

4367078 Well first one I can remember is that he's working for Aj on the farm. Now I really feel this just makes sense as one of the jobs we would gravitate towards. Though I've seen many others berate authors for this.

Second would be his ability to attract the Elements to him. I get hes been there for abit over six months so but any sort of development with the others besides AJ seems.... quick(?) or at least it feels that way, since we haven't seen any of it. Also his sudden thing with Twilight, I get you haven't explained what happened there in greater detail but I still feel he shoulda been at least abit pissed off. Being strapped to a table against your will, naked and having some weird crap attached to your junk.

Third would be his remorse for fighting with Blueblood. Many other HiE's that are seemingly riddled with cliches always have the protagonist as remorseful for any sort of harmful action even in the defence of a friend. I get Bluebloods a prince but if the Princesses punished him for defending Rarity then their shit people and deserve to get smacked around.

Fourth and final is that Luna is so quickly interested in him. Which does fall into the cliche category but I can understand it this time around because of what Celestia said, "He's a clean slate". So it makes sense that she would jump at the chance for love even so soon after meeting him. Cause lets face it, how often do you meet someone not from your planet who has no idea of your past?

The only other one I could count as a cliche is the potential heard he has going for him. Elements plus Royalty. I can just hear the haters flaming right now. I don't mind it so long as its done properly which is why its not in my cliche list, A) I don't really know if theres going to be herding and B)I don't know how this will all be handled.

Now I hope I listed actual cliches and not personal opinion which for some reason I find hard to separate. :facehoof:

4368125 Him working AJ's farm is because his house landed on their property. I'm also a fan of hard, sweaty work, so if I was in Equestria, AJ's farm would be where I would prefer to work.

With the elements, I'm just of the opinion that they would be the ones most interested in a new being landing in Equestria. And forgive me if I've given that impression, but all of the Elements will not be falling for him. In fact, in either the next chapter or a side one, I will be laying out couplings for RD and Fluttershy, and while they both like Mark as a friend, he's not their significant other. I'm still debating on Twilight, but I'm honestly starting to think of changing things around and hooking her up with somepony else.

With Blueblood, he's not so much torn up for fighting the guy; he's worried about what striking a prince will mean for his place in Equestria. Bear in mind that IRL, someone with the right connections (politician, police officer, etc) can be a complete dick, get what he deserves, yet get the person who delivered his just desserts in trouble because he has the right connections. That's what was making Mark worried.

Luna, well, technically she hasn't declared a desire to be his marefriend; I'm trying to play it off as her being curious about him. And do bear in mind that, as was said in the last chapter, she and Mark share some similarities, so I felt that would lead to her empathizing with him some.

This is why I'm calling this a WIP. As you can see, I'm not the best author on the block, hence there are inevitably going to be some clichés in this. It's not because I want them, it's just because I'm a rookie. Give me some time, and hopefully the clichés will go away and things'll make sense.

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