Two ponies sit on a bench and talk.
Chapters (1)
DerUnterseeboot
Joined 17th May, 2014 ·
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Sorry, but what's the point of this story? All that seems to happen here is that you introduce the characters, and then ... well, nothing really happens. They have some generalized romantic problems, but they receive very little development -- we don't even get a gender (or name, or anything) for any of their beloveds.
Bon-Bon assures Lyra that "It's got nothing to do with you, believe me" -- but how can she know? She's just met Lyra; she has no way to know if she has some inherent unlikeable attribute that does make it her fault. And, by the way, why are they telling each other these things when they just met? Yes, it is conceivable that in the magical land of talking pastel ponies, deep friends are routinely made over a chance encounter at the drop of a hat. But then it's your job as an author to furnish some other kind of conflict or problem that makes the reader care about what comes next.
The little clipping from "Dragonshy" at the end is very weird -- especially the way it doesn't faze the characters at all. They seem positively bored with the news, and it reads like you're just using it as an excuse for making them leave the scene before anything has really happened in story.
(Alternatively, you're just pointing out that you know that the Lyra-sitting-weird shot originally appeared in the beginning of "Dragonshy". However, that doesn't match, because in the actual show Lyra was sitting with Shoeshine, not Bon-Bon).
4403348 Sometimes it doesn't really matter.
4404556
What doesn't matter?
4406531 All those little details. This is the guy's FIRST fic. Cut him some slack.
4406652
Yes, it's his first fic, and I imagine he must be waiting eagerly for some kind of feedback on it. Of course, it would be best if we could say, "that was awesome, we love it!", but in this case it would be, well, a lie. The next best thing we can do for him, then, is to try to explain why we don't love the story -- in what I hope is a polite and non-confrontational tone. That's the information he needs so he can work towards his next story being able to capture an audience in its first installment.
There are some good things to say. The spelling, grammar, and formatting are excellent, and if you've been struggling to make those perfect, then good job, well done! With minor exceptions, each of the paragraphs by itself is readable and well-crafted. My only problem with them is that they don't seem to add up to a story.
There's a few places where the descriptions become a mite too florid for my taste, but I think that's a by-product of not having any plot they need to support -- once you have a story that you need to move along towards a conclusion, it's likely that this problem will go away by itself, so it's not worth dwelling on at this stage.