Park Bench

by DerUnterseeboot

So, What Are You Doing Tonight?

A summer afternoon in Ponyville meant mild weather and mild company. The citizens of the little hamlet tucked away next to the Everfree Forest milled about their daily business, though one in particular had decided that this was a choice opportunity to relax. This was Lyra, a unicorn mare with an aqua-colored coat, a mane of green-tinged gray and white and a lyre on her cutie mark, a pair of piercing, golden eyes just staring vacantly before her while she sat upright on a bench. To the casual observer, she would appear to be engrossed in the antics of one Rainbow Dash, who had declared that she would be seizing a ball-bouncing record. The truth of the matter was that this young mare was actually completely lost in her own thoughts, the blank look on her face concealing a storm of emotions swirling around within, nary a crease on her muzzle. She didn't even acknowledge the presence of another pony on the bench, who then got off and walked away as soon as the spectacle of the bulbous, bouncing ball had ceased. In that second it felt like no one was looking, a somber frown descending upon her in realization.

"Just when you think you've got somepony special lined up, it turns out they're busy," she mused to herself. "Probably with another filly. Stupid Lyra, what made you think you ever had a chance?"

In the middle of this dismal revelation, a shadow fell across the bench when another pony had approached. This mare had a yellow coat, and full, luscious locks of navy blue with pink highlights. Her upper eyelashes fluttered as she blinked, the eyelids only momentarily obscuring a pair of bright, baby blue eyes. The eyes of the two mare met, the blue and the gold gazing into each other for a moment that seemed to last for half of an eternity, Lyra rapt in silence before it was finally broken by the newcomer.

"Hey," said the yellow mare. The voice had a vibrant, husky quality that had been punctuated by the slightest squeak at the end of the single syllable she spoke. Lyra forced a smile across the face, hoping to conceal the disappointment that she had contemplated just moments before.

"Heya," Lyra replied, a nasally, soft voice escaping her throat. "Wanna sit down?"

"Sure." The yellow mare hopped up onto the bench, her bulbous, supple hindquarters elegantly setting themselves down, their movement accented by the curling of her tail, sliding across the bench's surface, bouncing momentarily along with the rest of her thick, curly mane. The two momentarily make eye contact, but it's quickly broken for the two to watch the crowd pass the two of them by.

"Name's Bonbon," the yellow-coated mare finally introduced herself.

"I'm Lyra."

"Good to meet you."

The two kept watching the crowd pass by, Bonbon turning over to Lyra and examining her own features, the slender, fit body of the unicorn having been draped over the surface of the bench, her short-cut mane hanging just barely over her eyes, though what really caught Bonbon's attention was the way the green mare sat, her hindquarters at the bottom of the bench while the rest of it leaned up against the back. It did seem to make full utilization of the bench's design, but the angle forced her hind legs to be spread slightly open.

"That's kind of a funny way to sit," Bonbon chimed in. In a single second, the slightest sense of concern had tugged her face into a frown while she spoke, but it quickly regained its composure.

"You think so?" Lyra asked, suddenly becoming very conscious of her body as she looked down at it. "I just kind of do it. It's comfortable."

"Doesn't look it." A pregnant silence fell over the two. After a few seconds, it finally gave birth to a suggestion from Bonbon. "Want to go for a walk?"

"Sure." Lyra slid off of the bench, her lithe, flexible body flowing into an upright standing position. She took some time to stretch, her taut flank raised high into the air while it quivered up high. Bonbon watched as her stretch concluded, an eyebrow rising on her end.

"So, what were you doing on that bench?" Bonbon inquired.

"Just thinking."

"About what?"

"Well..." Lyra's face twisted into a pained gaze, the smile trying desperately to contain the agony within. "See, I asked somepony out on a date earlier today, but they said they were busy."

"That's too bad."

"Yeah. I haven't been able to get a date for weeks, and I don't know if it's me or if I just have bad luck or what."

"Just gotta keep trying, somepony will come around eventually, and even then, sometimes they'll be busy doing some things." Bonbon gazed up to the heavens momentarily, her eyelids becoming heavy enough to cover her eyes halfway through, as though to rest them just enough for this insight. "It's got nothing to do with you, believe me, I'd know." Her head would be weighed down in much the same way as her eyelids, staring down at the path below.

"Have you got somepony?" Lyra asked, her brow creasing upward, concern having lined her face upon being given this information.

"Yeah, but they end up having to do a lot of work. It's not that I really blame them, just that it doesn't mean we get to spend a whole lot of time together."

"That doesn't sound too good," Lyra said, just a faintest glimmer of hope overcoming her features. "So, what are you doing tonight?"

"Well, I was going to be with–"

"LISTEN UP!"

The conversation had been stopped short by the presence of Twilight Sparkle, a recent newcomer to Ponyville who had been sent there on behalf of Princess Celestia.

"Smoke is spreading over all of Equestria! But don't worry, I have just received a letter from Princess Celestia informing me that it is not coming from a fire. It's coming from a dragon."

The crowd had its share of shock over each revelation, including that the smoke was present in the first place, to which all had been previously oblivious, including Lyra and Bonbon, who had been so engrossed in their own thoughts and conversation that they had paid it no thought.

"Well," Lyra began hesitantly. "I suppose we really shouldn't be outdoors while there's a dragon nearby."

"Nope."

"Maybe I'll see you later."

"Until then, take care."

At this point, the two parted ways, each walking away from each other with their heads hung low in a heavy cloud of dejection before returning to their respective homes.

Comments

[Henning Makholm]

Sorry, but what's the point of this story? All that seems to happen here is that you introduce the characters, and then ... well, nothing really happens. They have some generalized romantic problems, but they receive very little development -- we don't even get a gender (or name, or anything) for any of their beloveds.

Bon-Bon assures Lyra that "It's got nothing to do with you, believe me" -- but how can she know? She's just met Lyra; she has no way to know if she has some inherent unlikeable attribute that does make it her fault. And, by the way, why are they telling each other these things when they just met? Yes, it is conceivable that in the magical land of talking pastel ponies, deep friends are routinely made over a chance encounter at the drop of a hat. But then it's your job as an author to furnish some other kind of conflict or problem that makes the reader care about what comes next.

The little clipping from "Dragonshy" at the end is very weird -- especially the way it doesn't faze the characters at all. They seem positively bored with the news, and it reads like you're just using it as an excuse for making them leave the scene before anything has really happened in story.

(Alternatively, you're just pointing out that you know that the Lyra-sitting-weird shot originally appeared in the beginning of "Dragonshy". However, that doesn't match, because in the actual show Lyra was sitting with Shoeshine, not Bon-Bon).

[The Cardboard Box]

4403348 Sometimes it doesn't really matter.

[Henning Makholm]

4404556
What doesn't matter?

[The Cardboard Box]

4406531 All those little details. This is the guy's FIRST fic. Cut him some slack.

[Henning Makholm]

4406652
Yes, it's his first fic, and I imagine he must be waiting eagerly for some kind of feedback on it. Of course, it would be best if we could say, "that was awesome, we love it!", but in this case it would be, well, a lie. The next best thing we can do for him, then, is to try to explain why we don't love the story -- in what I hope is a polite and non-confrontational tone. That's the information he needs so he can work towards his next story being able to capture an audience in its first installment.

There are some good things to say. The spelling, grammar, and formatting are excellent, and if you've been struggling to make those perfect, then good job, well done! With minor exceptions, each of the paragraphs by itself is readable and well-crafted. My only problem with them is that they don't seem to add up to a story.

There's a few places where the descriptions become a mite too florid for my taste, but I think that's a by-product of not having any plot they need to support -- once you have a story that you need to move along towards a conclusion, it's likely that this problem will go away by itself, so it's not worth dwelling on at this stage.