Clacksphob
Joined 26th Jun, 2013 ·
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Much better than said story, for that conclusion if nothing else! I expected the Red Shard tk play more of a role, but I think it's better that it didn't. Just a sociopathic Twi.
Other than a few typos, it's an interesting, story. I like your concept on the way Crystal Ponies work.
I cannot believe I read this.
Comments-
First off, some good points. I like how you added a bout of insanity setting into the OC near the end. The mental defense of sudden madness brought on by being exposed to something incredibly traumatic is a good tool for a story like this. There was enough scene-setting to give me a good mental image of what was happening, and I can't fault your storytelling ability for the space you had to work with.
Criticisms-
Forgive me if am being more critical than supportive, but you asked me why I thought this story was receiving negative attention, and I wanted to give you the best reply I feel that I can.
Bear in mind that first off, there are a lot of people on Fimfiction that are squicked by gore. There are also people who are squicked by sex. When you put both of those tags on a story, you're going to get some 'fake' downvotes (people clicking the voting buttons without experiencing enough of the thing they're voting on to form a useful opinion). The fact that this story has very little description to it probably also attributed to that knee-jerk 'oh god I see X tag, I must downvote' thing, since there's even less their to keep their eye off of the tagging.
Now, despite that, it wouldn't be fair to claim that every downvote you've received was simply based upon tagging. Likely only a few of them are. I can't speak for anyone else's opinion, but I can tell you my own thoughts. I personally am not a huge fan of taking a canon character way outside the boundaries of their established personality without a good reason. In this story, Twilight Sparkle tortures and disfigures another pony, with Spike just standing there assisting her. Both of them are in a place I can't get my head around them being in, and there's nothing in the story to justify it for me, beyond Twilight's thirst for knowledge. Yes, she does have a thirst for knowledge, but Twilight Sparkle would never do something like this just to satisfy that thirst. Spike's depiction gets me too - we can sort of infer from the text that he's just obeying his master, but I can't see him agreeing to do this, even if Twilight wanted it.
Mind you, I'm not 100% against canon characters ever doing things like these, but...I need something to go on, and what I have here just isn't enough. This is part of why I didn't really care for Rainbow Factory, as it depicts a sadistically evil Rainbow Dash...for no reason. We're just supposed to assume that she's so criminally insane that she's always been like this, but it somehow so skilled at being her normal canon self in public that nobody was ever the wiser. Too far out on a limb, for me.
Other points, for me anyway, include the sex, which happened so fast it didn't even seem necessary to include. Lastly (and this one might be my fault, I might have missed it)...what was the purpose of the casket? And I assume that it wasn't actually a casket per se, if a pony was able to carry it easily in their mouth?
Nitpicks-
-There are a few grammar and flow issues here and there, and at least one instance I can recall where two characters are speaking in the same paragraph. It's nothing that makes the story unreadable, but I did notice it.
-Hrrm...OC with a cutie mark that already exists on a canon pony. It's possible the same symbol could be depicted in a different way of course, but a tiny bit more description to make that evident would be good.
-The description for this story...tells me nothing. Granted there's a balance - with a description blurb, you only have so much time to grab a reader's interest, and thus it cannot be long and overcomplicated. But this is sorta the opposite. There's so little here, that had I seen this story in a sea of others, I might have skipped it just because there's no exciting descriptive text to capture my interest.