Clacksphob
Joined 26th Jun, 2013 ·
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I feel like I should have seen that coming.
7208308
It was pretty obvious, wasn't it?
I can only imagine that Rainbow is terribly jealous
Comments-
I thank you for one thing in particular. As this story was unfolding, I was worried we were just going to segue right into hazing sex. We...kinda did still, but the fact that at least one Wonderbolt took exception to the idea of just tossing Spitfire right into that was a good nod from you to the situation. Spitfire reacting the way she did, well...she's not well-enough established as a canon character for me to really take exception, and since you're working only with OCs and lesser FCs here, I was able to roll with it.
I liked the character of Heartbreak. Putting a sexual 'straight man' in there worked for me. Yes, I know, he got into it too, but he wasn't so...'hey let's bang the newbie!' Thus he was a good foil for the others.
I didn't get a whole lot of plot here, but I don't think that was the point. Judging it as a kinky clop story, you got right into it, kept the pacing up, and were able to mix detail with said pacing well enough that I felt neither rushed nor bogged down. So good work on that.
The flying sex thing. Clever
Criticisms-
-This story is labeled as 'Comedy'. Where's the comedy? Just a few off-jokes I don't think are enough to call a story a comedy.
-Was Spitfire a virgin? I thought she was, but her willingness to just go along with all this didn't seem in keeping with that status. A little bit more hesitation or mental monologue on her part to justify that willingness would be helpful.
Nitpicks-
-What's with the horizontal lines? I found them jarring. If you're doing scene breaks, consider the established centered line of asterisks. There's also a lot of scene breaks right at the beginning of the story. I think you could have omitted the second one and just tied the scenes together more.
-This is a tiny thing, but why does the captain not like his Wonderbolt figurine? Maybe he just has it there for show? A bit of explanation here could roll into an opportunity for some good early story scene-setting.
Positive Nitpick - Adding some tongue-tying to Spitfire's voice. Helped to put me in the scene.