Chapter 2 - Apple Bucking Season
Have you ever had that feeling when you've been running for so long, for so hard, that you can't feel anything in your body? That you can't even feel your own lungs inflating and deflating as you breath? That your lungs are filled with so much carbon dioxide that you don't know if you're exhausted or just as high as a kite? Well, that's pretty much how I felt.
If that wasn't bad enough, all eyes were on me as I ran through the streets. Everywhere I looked I saw pony after pony. And they all had their huge, googly eyes on me, each one staring at me in anything from confusion to shock to what-in-the-flying-fluff-kind-of-monkey-is-that?
But I was finally in the clear. After running for minutes, I came across a small, white, wooden bridge. As I slumped my whole body against one of the posts, I looked back. I was away of the village. More importantly, I was away from her -- that apocalyptic monster of bestial, cuddly wrath who was now long behind me.
"Where did you go!?"
… Or maybe not. I guess locking her in her own home wasn't exactly gonna last for very long.
I panicked. Even though her voice was quiet, distant from me, I knew that it wasn't gonna be that way for long. I painfully picked myself off the post, took in a deep breath of air, and jogged as much as I could over the bridge. As each heavy step thudded against the lumber, I felt aching pains shoot up though my feet and legs, each one threatening to make me stumble.
As my aching feet carried me over the steep hill, I was greeted with the site of a huge farm, but it seemed completely deserted. There were no animals and no one working in the yard. Well, now that I think about it, it's probably animals who work the farm anyway. No doubt the place was run by other ponies.
"I know you're around here somewhere!"
Her voice was getting closer. Louder. More determined. I lost my footing and stumbling, tumbling arse over head down the hill before finally coming to a halt as I laid in a heap of flesh and stained fabrics. Hurriedly I picked myself up off the dirt and ran towards the farm gate and vaulted over it with a spring in my heel, although said heel got caught in the gap between the fence posts and I ended up planting my face in the dirt below.
But I couldn't stop there. I scrambled once more to my feet and hurried to a nearby stack of small bales of hay. Shifting a couple to the side, I pried open a gap just big enough for me to shift myself through. Squeezing my skinniness through, I quickly closed the gap and huddled myself behind the lot of it.
This will all blow over in a while…
And that's how I ended up here. Yeah, it's been one long and extremely tiring day. I'm a man of the world and all, but getting chased by a pony princess like it's a Friday the 13th movie isn't exactly my cup of tea.
Still, this will all be over soon. All I gotta do is sit here for a little bit until I can come up with a plan, and then--
"Guess ah better get to work movin' all this hay…"
--start wondering how this day can possibly get any bloody worse.
I heard a muffled voice from the other side of my hay fortress. It sounded… what's the word…? Bumpkin-y. Sounded pretty tough, too, despite being noticeably female. I just hoped that whoever it belonged to wasn't just as fierce.
One of the bales on top suddenly jerked away from me, moving forwards. Then a second time. The third time, it tumbled out of view behind the other stacks, hitting the ground with a rustling thud. Another bale followed suit. Then another. And another. My whole hiding spot---my fortress of hay---was being demolished before me. It wasn't too long before the middle line of stacks began to fall, too.
But it got worse. A lot worse.
"Wh-what in tarnation!?" a figured on the other side blurted out.
It wasn't exactly the greatest of greetings. At least snuggle-monster Twilight smiled.
Instead, I was met with the bellow of an orange pony with a cowboy hat. At least, she looked orange to me; hard to tell as the sun shone from behind her, creating a dark silhouette. I guess she wasn't expecting a near six-foot hairless monkey that was kicked through H&M to be sitting here.
But I had to say something, right?
"Hi there--" I tried to introduce myself, only to get a face full of her hat. Before I could even so much as wave, she tossed her hat at my face and hit me square on the snozz. "Hey! What was that for?" I protested. That ruddy well hurt, too…
"Gah! It talks, too!"
And here art born a miracle. I didn't think a talking monkey was something extravagant in a world of talking ponies.
I rolled my eyes and rubbed my nose, trying to ease the pain a little. "Yes, I can talk," I responded bluntly. Slowly I got up, trying to ignore the numbing ache in my thighs. With the toe of my shoe I scooped up her hat before reaching down to grab it. "You can have this back to," I said, tossing it towards her, though not with nearly the amount of force she did. Her foreleg shot out like a bullet and caught it with her hoof before putting it back on her head.
Wait… How did she catch it with her hoof? Is her hoof magnetic? Is she, like, the Magneto of Ponyville, but with hats?
"Heh, sorry 'bout that," she apologized, a sheepish grin on her face. "Ah ain't never seen a hairless monkey on the farm before. Well, not one with clothes on. You're pretty darn filthy, too."
… Did she just insinuate that she has seen a hairless monkey here before? Things just keep getting weirder.
"So, what're ya doin' sittin' behind there? Ya hidin' from somepony?"
Well I certainly wasn't sitting there trying to hatch a shiny Beldum, that's for sure.
I took a seat on one of the stacks and told of this pony my bizarre---although epic---run-around with another pony. At first she took it as them having a crush on me, but I explained how, for some reason, she really wanted to cuddle me. Having said that, I don't think she changed her opinion of the matter.
"Why don't ya come inside?" she asked. "I'll fix yer up some o' Granny Smith's home-baked apple pie."
… Is it me, or am I having a really bad case of déjà vu?
"Oh… Okay. Thanks," I responded. Again. Without thinking. I could feel my brain clenching its fist, ready to sock me one. Regardless, I followed the orange pony towards the nearby house.
"Oh, by the way," she said, turning her head towards me, "My name's Applejack. And you?"
"Jamie."
My God, this apple pie was the BEST! I just couldn't help myself! Even though it was fresh hot out the oven, I shovelled my hand under the next slice and buried it into my face, gorging and devouring on its succulent, juicy goodness and crisp, sweet crust. Crumbs spluttered everywhere and the juices ran down my chin, but I didn't care. I wanted more.
Then my eyes caught a glimpse of Applejack. As I looked up, I saw her staring at me with what could only be described as "awe-inspired sickness".
"You sure do have an appetite, don'tchya? " she spoke with an awkward smile.
I stopped dead. I tried to regain my compose, sitting upright on the chair and wiping away the crumbs and juices from my jaw. "I'm so sorry," I apologized, though the words were still muffled by the chewed up pie mush in my mouth.
But Applejack just laughed. "Don't be! Glad to see ya enjoyin' yerself."
I was enjoying myself, but that didn't excuse me for slobbering like a rampant wildebeest.
"So, why don'tchya like cuddles, Jay?"
That was… completely out of left field. I felt my stomach turn upside down after she said it. I paused for a moment. I wanted to tell her the truth but… something was stopping me. I felt it at first with Twilight, but It didn't click with me.
I swallowed before replying, "I just… thought it was a bit awkward, that's all."
She didn't seem impressed with the reason. "Y'know, cuddles make you feel real good," she replied. "They make ya happy when yer sad, an' they can turn tears into laughter."
I guess when she put it that way, it made sense.
"Ah give amazin' cuddles, if ah do say so myself!"
… I didn't like where this was going.
I smiled, chuckling a little -- and awkwardly. "I'm sure you do," I said nervously. Quickly I slid back on the chair before standing up. "Thanks so much for the pie, Applejack. It was really great."
"If yer really thankful--"
Oh please God, no.
"--then you can thank me with a cuddle!"
What was with all the cuddling here? Did I just start a new trend or something? Or did mentioning cuddles just spark a newfound interest and application of it?
"C-can't we just leave it with a thank you and… be on our way?" I pleaded, holding my hands up.
Her scowl said otherwise. "No can do, sir. Ah think you need to experience the goodness o' cuddlin'."
Like a slasher movie villain, she crept towards me. I could almost feel her snuggly intent radiating from her. "Now why don'tchya come over here an' let me give ya a nice, big cuddle."
Quickly I dashed around the other side of the table. I had to keep my distance from her, and this was the only good way. Or so I thought; I had pinned myself near the back wall with nowhere to go but back around the table. But every time I shifted around to run, Applejack mirrored my every move with perfect timing. I had to think fast.
That's it! The pie!
As fast as my arm could move, I pied up the apple pie and tossed it at her. Not even seeing it coming, the pie tipped forwards and splattered her right in the face with a satisfying *splat*. She let out a cry as she arched backwards before falling over -- and that was the moment I needed!
"I'm sorry!" I exclaimed before rushing past her, barging through the ajar door.
Sorry? I don't have time to be sorry! I need to run like heck!
I held my hand in front of my eyes as the sun half blinded me. I swung my head from one side to the other, trying to find some way to go; I couldn't go back over the bridge to Ponyville with Twilight still on the lookout for me. But as my head stopped to look right, I noticed another dirt path that seemed to run around Ponyville. I sprinted towards it as fast as I could past the barn house, kicking up dust behind me with each step. I could feel freedom.
But not as much as I felt something tighten around my ankle as my leg kipped up.
Pulled backwards, I lost my balance and stumbled forward, falling onto my chest with only my hands to help cushion the impact. I rolled over, looking back at what just caught me; a thick line of rope like a lasso tightened around my leg, with Applejack standing several meters away from me with the other end in her mouth.
"That outta stop ya from runnin'," she muttered from her stuffed mouth. I tried hard to tug away from her, trying to jerk my leg away from her grasp, but she was just too strong. With each tug of her neck, she pulled me closer and closer towards her, dragging me through the dirt. "Jus' for runnin' away like that, I'm gonna cuddle you nice an' hard!"
No. Not like this. It was bad enough that I was gonna be cuddles by an overly cute, fuzzy pony---as good as that might sound---but now she was gonna squeeze me to death!
But I couldn't do anything. She was stronger than me, and had me prone like a wounded dog. I could do nothing but watch as I drew ever closer to her. I could see a small grin form from her lips as I got closer and closer to her… until finally I came to rest. She loomed over me like a beast would over its freshly caught prey.
Like a wuss, I whimpered.
"Give up, hon?" she mocked.
Like hell I was!
I could only do one thing, and it was either gonna work so darn well or fail so darn horribly. I caught sight of the large, towering pile of hay beside me and, with as much effort as I could, I kicked away the bottom. The pile began to shake and wobble. Applejack immediately turned, her eyes widened as she saw the pile lurch forward. I pushed my feet off the ground, rolling myself backwards and away as the pile collapsed forwards, burying her under the light debris of hay.
After untying the rope from my ankle, I clambered back to my feet. "Sorry! Again!" I cried to her. But when the pile began to shake, I knew that it was my cue to run. And so I did, towards the dirt path south.
But not before being filled with a deep sense of foreboding.
"Hey! You can't hide forever, Jay!
"AH'MA CUDDLE YOU SO DARN HARD IF IT'S THE LAST THING AH DO!"
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So are cuddles like the pony version of a handshake, except that refusing is tantamount to punching their mother?
4195967 Yes.
But in all seriousness---odd, considering it's a comedy fic---it's not meant to be taken seriously. It's a random comedy fic about cuddles.
Oh my God, Jamie's digging himself a grave six meters deep here. I LOVE IT!
4195967 ... I think you're reading too much into this.
4195977
4195978
Pfft, I worldbuild everything. Cuddling is now the universal pony greeting that is met with extreme hostility if refused.
4195996 Nah, just as much hostility is necessary for the cuddle session to be consummated.
Okay I couldn't find a one with cuddling so snuggling will have to do.
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4196029 If I can make someone's day better, then that's a definite win in my book. You's welcome
Resistance, while endearing, is futile.
Is Jamie really introverted to the point of being uncomfortable with physical contact with new people, or in this case, ponies? Does he see cuddles as a sign of intimacy between couples that he doesn't see with ponies anytime soon? Doe he have some kind of fear of being touched? Then again, he did agree with Applejack that cuddles would have its good beneficial moments when we probably could use one. Gosh, so many questions.
If he's in a path, I wonder if he's going to run into Fluttershy next...how could he resist?!
4196033 All will be revealed. Despite it's randomness, it does have character development for the socially-awkward human.
4196040
AH HA! So he DOES have social issues! That's one question answered!
4196036
I can see your argument, and she may even be tentative to giving a cuddle at first. Then again, she is an animal caretaker, and if she sees him like Applejack did, as a "hairless monkey with clothes," she'll probably get really eager to taking care of him and showing as much love as she can, probably to the point of going into Flutter Rage like in the triple G.
Of course, if he's going on that path, there's also the chance with running into Rainbow Dash. I'm not sure how touchy-feely she is, seeing her more as an extroverted, tough as nails, fame-seeking pegasus not bringing any wrong ideas to her future fans showing signs of her more vulnerable side. But that's just my perspective of seeing her. Though I'm curious to how she'll portrayed in a setting such as this. May the chaos continue.
This is great. To think of impending snuggly doom is both somewhat frightening and extremely hilarious.
4196058 About Rainbow Dash though... If AppleJack's trying to cuddle Jamie, won't RD see it as some sort of competition to see who can cuddle him harder first?
4196178 That's... a really good idea.
I think you meant to put how in there.
4196229 Thanks for picking that up. Even after proofreading it I still missed it.
4196234
It's kay.
I have....... the weirdest boner
This story is great so far! Cant wait for next chapter!
Lol, This is great and can't wait for more
Everyone's going on about Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, and I'm just sitting here waiting for Pinkie to not give a fuck.
Cuter than Death by Snu Snu and a bit more G rated.
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Seriously, if I was in his position, except that I'm playing World of Tanks, got there with my favorite tank and getting a holy shit-ton of cuddles, I will get to my tank and run away as if the last thing I will do.
This just gets better and better.
I predict you do all the mane six first, then Zecora, then the princesses, and then finally Chrysalis.
Care to prove me wrong?
4196610 third chapter will do just that. =P
4196619
Hmm, intriguing.
The moment I see Chrysalis/Princesses demanding cuddles...you shall have your favorite!
In the meantime, I'll just slap this on my Read Later list
4196639 mmm then you'll be waiting for a while. Maybe. Possibly.
With all these cuddle fics, I would laugh to see a Doom crossover where Doomguy is blasting ponies that want to slowly approach and cuddle him to death. That would be AWESOME!!!
So when are we actually going to see cuddles? So far it's zero for two. :P
4196708 Soon™
I absolutely adored this line. Did anybody else?
4194285 exactly!
4196824 good I'm not the only one.
4195967 what...?
oh the poor guy
I'm loving this to much
more please
4196178
I have never thought of it like that, and it certainly fits RD's character. That's pretty genius.
I give you an applause on how difficult it can be to hatch a Beldum. (Btw, he has to walk to hatch it
)
I'll just leave this here.
Enjoy the irony
4197255 Thank GOD somebody else got that!!! (Shiny Beldums are hard, doe)
4196610
4196619
What about Zecora and Lyra?, you can't forget them, I hope you are including Cadance in the princess's list.
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next has to be Fluttershy right?
4197362 oooo I dunno. =P
4197264 oh. Fun.
I am eagerly awaiting for you to write some Big Mac cuddles, I hope you are not discriminating towardss gender, hm?
Hey, at least it wasn't Big Mac, his cuddle would probably break you in two...
This is actually his hell.
Pony demons shall try to cuddle him into damnation for all eternity!