- Member Since 19th Mar, 2014
- offline last seen Feb 8th, 2015
TheWildBrony
I like MLP (Yes, I am. Brony) And Mostly Soarin x Rainbow dash. AND I AM ALSO A PROUD WHOVIAN!!
TheWildBrony
Joined 19th Mar, 2014 ·
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Dun dun dun!
But really, you fit one night of sex into just under 1000 words. I honestly don't know what to think about that.
As a general rule, you don't have to do a whole chapter in one sitting.
Also some general spelling errors, such as how mussel ≠ muzzle. Mussels are smallish sea creatures, muzzles are pony mouths.
Hmmm..sounds like a word for word of Te Amo, Rainbow Dash.
For a first story, you could have done worse, but it is definitely not good.
Mainly because of the fact that the pacing is terrible. Stories like this either need good buildup to the sex scene, the sex scene itself has to be described in extensive detail, or both. You've got neither going on.
Another problem is the dialogue. Most, if not all of your dialogue, is way too straight forward to take seriously. Part of what makes writing, to me atleast, fun is using subtlety. How would you, as a human being, talk in a situation like this? Understanding the situation and characters is key to making the scene more enjoyable.
As you metioned in the SPOILER/MESSAGE, you were gonna read more stories on Fimfiction. That's a good start to understand what people like. A story I recommend is http://www.fimfiction.net/story/80938/show-stopper, which contains some solid writing, fun characters and good pay-off.
One last thing. Don't write erotic fanfics next time. I won't say you aren't allowed to do so, but writing erotica is harder than it looks. Try a story with more of a Slice-of-Life feel. If you need any help with such a thing, you can send me a message.
Your story ain't good, but I see your heart is in the right place, unlike some other authors on the site. Keep trying to extend your chapters and write more believable characters and you should have a good time here with us.
This is fucking terrible. It's like a bad porno.
ok I thought my story that im writing is bad but atlest the chapters have over a thousand words how did they even let you post this and I am a F***ING GIRL
and I hate hateing on other people
but this is just tarible writing
but I could help you if you want some help with you storys.
and im getting a little confused is this a soarindash or a soarinfire story
4193939
Oh yus.
Soooooooo many spelling and grammar errors... I don't even know where to... Augh...
Okay, so... I guess... if there's one thing you should learn, it's that chapters don't need to be written in a single night, or a single week, or a month. When it comes to stories, most readers will be happy to wait for a while if it means getting quality content.
As for the spelling and grammar...
I don't know what word processing software you use, but pretty much any program out there ever has decent spell check. However, not all of the words are mis-spelled, so there's that. That's where a good proof-reading comes in. If you're not sure about a word, Google it. Look it up. I have a dictionary and a thesaurus next to my desk; they're good friends of every author.
As for grammar, the misuses of your and you're are many, and I'm developing a migraine. Once again, proofread your stuff before you publish. An extra day between posts doesn't matter if it means that you get quality content out there.
And the sex scene... whoa, and I don't mean that in a good way. It was way too rushed. I don't know if you're uncomfortable writing clop (a lot of authors are), but if you're gonna put sex in a story, it needs to be compelling, or at the very least entertaining, for us to read.
And the flash-forward there. Three weeks later and she's preggers? Wow, talk about skipping over any and all character development. Where's Dash's reaction? Was it in there? I didn't see it.
Lastly, there's no Spitfire in this story, at least as far as I can tell. If you're not gonna have Spitfire in a story, don't put a Spitfire tag in the story.
Overall, I was searching for a Spitfire clop story to read and enjoy, and what I got was a mediocre SoarinDash story that left me thoroughly confused and unsatisfied. This story needs a serious edit, some extra content, a few re-writes, and a new title to distance itself from this. You had an idea, I'll give you that, because that's more than some authors have, but... you can do better, I'm sure of it.