War and advancement, two things that go hand and hand. They create an endless cycle of growth and death. The building of an empire until it reaches its peak, only to come toppling down, left only to the whims of the history books.
This cycle has come for modern man and finished its part.
Like the phoenix, a new one will rise from the ashes of the old, so, to, has a new race risen to take the mantle of the dominant race. The Equestrians.
Yet the cycle continues and it comes. They have passed one cycle of this endless chain of events, now they are facing another. Will they persevere to fight another day? Or will their empire come crashing so soon after birth?
Chapters (4)
Im a gnome and what the hell was that
414902
Um. A fan-fic? xD
415225 it made my brain cry (it wasn't bad just creepy)
415245
Sorry. xD I find it very hard to write chipper stories. I stick with the grimdark genre only when writing. Sorry if I creeped you out. xD
415300 its ok i didn't want to sleep over spring break any way
all i saw was you on FJ saying hay read my story then it happened
415322
Sleep is for the weak! :D
Thank you for reading though. xD
415328 NP bro the wording was good the plot was solid an the imagery was cupcakes
I will be typing in notes as I read, this could take a while.
(kkkssst!!! Its ahiningfinger from FJ!
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Zecora's poem at the beginning is VERY well done. It keeps pace with her normal speaking rhythm (at least the way I read it).
Now, onto the first part of your story, before the assassins move in:
I love the descriptions. I can almost picture the scout. Though, I would like to know why his hooves are steel plated rather than the underbelly, which would be the target if he were in the air. (Yes, yes. Leather is cool, but a good bow will tear right through it [steel too, but.... gah! im not here to discuss military crap! BACK TO READING])
Ponyville under attack:
Maybe I'm just tired and missed something... but the two sides of the 'fight' seem to get blurred here... I can't tell which side is pro-Celestia.
Mr. Cake is a badass. Nuff said.
Ponyville under attack 2 (After insinuated rape):
Sides clear up, but reasoning does not. I am left to wonder who exactly the ponies of Ponyville were worshiping. My first guess is Luna... but there have been no clues that I have seen.
I like the general.
The mines:
I feel sorry for App-... I mean Jack
When your character described the killing of the Apples, she used more detail than you did in the actual story... That just strikes me as wrong.
The end was nice and ominous.
Overall:
It needs a little more back story. As far as a chain of events goes, it flows well and is fairly easy to follow.
Its a little dark for my taste, but I'm sure you already knew that.
415424
Thank you for the reply. :D Yup. I kept it very cryptic for now. It's supposed to be confusing as to what's happening before the mist clears up in the following chapters. I wish I had the second chapter completed before I submitted but I was too drained to continue writing.
The pegasus at the beginning was an assassin, not meant to be seen. The metal boots if you will are used for gripping. A horse doesn't have the hooves of a mountain goat so the metal shoes should give it a better grip if it should need to fly. Plus, it can act as a weapon. :D
I see what you mean by the description of the Apples being killed... I'll have to change that.
The back story will come, once again, I wish I had more time and energy. xD
Thanks again for reading! :D
415469
Thankies :D
well the story is different than what i normally read but after reading what you have i gotta say my interest has been peaked hope to see more soon
I NEED MORE!!!!
"im addicted to these fanfics like crack"
anyway nice job.
......Fucking Awesome Immediately.
I don't want to like this.....
Damn.
This story so far is horrific, disgusting and downright creepy. And I absolutely love it! Great narrative and story so far. I hope to see more of this.
Sincerely. Runzerinn
416542
I'm sorry
I think I'm freaking people out a little. D:
Just a few tips.
Paragraphs are sometimes walls of text. Might want to think about spacing them out a bit.
Celestia's soldiers attacking Ponyville? Ponyville has been a stalwart defender of the Royal Crown. Why would this change?
Shining Armor never mentioned his sister, Twilight, in the attack. And Shining Armor means an honorable knight, he would not attack innocent fillies and colts. Perhaps put them in for slave labor, but not kill them.
Murdering Applebloom seemed to be a "squick" tactic. The detail you put into it seemed to lend credence to that fact. Were you aiming for that?
Other questions can wait until the release of upcoming chapters, such as why the princesses would act like this, where is Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and the mane 6 besides AJ, and much more.
All in all it is a very detailed story. I'll be watching this.
417549
Most of these questions are answered in upcoming chapters.
As for the murder. Is it a squick tactic? Not necessarily. It's just my style of writing. I enjoy darker styles and have never managed to write a "happy" story.
417437
Well they can fuck off this is really good, I'm not really one for dark stories but thats mostly because I'm too gentle to hurt even fictional ponies, and most of the ones that are written suck balls or are trollfics. Keep it up mate.
again, great story!(Bronyj) i just can't stop reading it.
Damn Phantur... I love this fic, but the description of how little Bloom was killed made me a bit sad. I look forward to more of this.
....more, I request MORE!
458265
Be careful what you wish for
I'm happy to do it. I also edit
Hey. Hey man.
You better not be trying to get away with abandoning this.
480313
Haha sorry, been having a terrible couple of weeks. I've had an exam/essay due every day for the past week and a half. I'll try and submit the next chapter this week, but I have an exam coming up that I have no clue what date it's on. If it's sometime this week, then the next chapter will be out the following week. Anyway, I'll try my best, but it's finals season here on campus and I'm getting bombarded.
I'm still a little confused on exactly how their anatomy is.
505910
Basically, they are anthros.
They look like my cover, shortened snouts, hooved feet, mane and tail intact, etc... their hands/front hooves are a mix. They have fingers, but the backs are more rigid, as if some residual cartilage from when they used to be hooves remained... but still hands.
Just got rejected from Equestria Daily. Apparently they don't like Anthros or gore.
...Where's Twilight sitting in this?
508272
Oh you'll see. Too drunk to say much else.
I like where this is going.
Cool story bro.
hey phantur, I told you I'd give it a read and I did, so let me give a quick review.
I'm not particularly a fan of Anthro nor Dark (and it's definetly got lots of that), but that's all taste, so it doesn't matter.
The writing is good, in fact it is at a quite high level of skill, and does a good job at entrancing the reader into the story without being overly complicated.
The story itself is not developed far yet so that's hard to judge, but so far it seems interesting. It's kind of bothering how all the actual mlp characters are in there, but yet again that's a matter of opinion.
The only complaint I have is that it's semi-confusing with the constant character switching and whatnot. It would probably be better if I concentrated some more, but I'd say it's still a point that could be improved.
So far what I can think of, I'll follow the story btw