My name is Lightning, and..... well... Im in love with Derpy...
I didn't have the guts to say it until now.
Well, things were somehow going great!
And then came Pinkie Pie...
(Based off of the cupcakes creepypasta. If you don't like it, DEAL WITH IT))
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Do people just... not try anymore? Pinkie isn't the only mass murderer you can use, if she ever was one to begin with.
Should try and make your own universe, buddy. Also, 1900 words isn't exactly long enough to create something substantial in the way of writing, considering you have an OC here. Should spend a while building up suspense and drama, then reveal Pinkamena in all her Cutie-Mark-wearing glory.
You're cheating yourself out of a good story by rushing for the craziness right away.
To better explain myself. Most murder mysteries are considered very convoluted and complex stories with numerous characters, motives, wants and needs, as well as a number of reasons why that blood was spilt. These reasons could be shared amongst any number of characters, but you never really know who did it until the end, and it comes at a rather startling twist, making the book itself very tense and exciting.
What you have here is something of an attempt, but it's far too short to really bring anything to the table. I've seen stories explain their OCs in under two hundred words, and they aren't particularly good. I've seen other stories utilize about 60k words to explain their characters, and I absolutely adore those.
Why?
Because the explanation is tied directly into the narrative, and we're shown what they're all about. I haven't even opened the first chapter, and I can already tell that this is going to rush straight into gore territory without taking the proper time and care of developing the characters involved. You could easily stretch this out into something so much bigger, so much better than Cupcakes ever was, but are you seriously just going to depend on gore porn in order to turn people around? Please, God, put some thought into your work.
4042797
First of all, i'm not even trying to make a good story. This is just something to do when i'm bored. Im not trying to make something to compare to cupcakes.
Second, gore porn?
DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?
WHAT THE
4042797
Also, Read the whole story before you comment critically.
Last but not least... *sigh*
(Why I try, I don't know)
How in god's name does this count as porn...
HOW????
4043111
Chill, bub. It's not gonna do much to start flipping out already.
I'm not saying 'make something to compare'. I'm saying 'do better'. Even something done as a hobby, you should take a manner of pride in your work, becuase it could genuinely become something great.
You can swear, y'know. What I mean by that is the story is basically there as some kind of foil for the gore and violence that goes on inside it. A rebellion with no investigation into its morality or purpose, a murderer with no motive, a squabble over nothing at all. Things done simply so the author can write some nice bloodshed.
Story should never take a backseat, but hey, that's just what I think.
4043118
That's the thing. I've gotten to the point where I can look at a story, and its word count, and pretty much predict what's going to go on inside it. My prediction isn't all that promising.
Story is likely going to go like this.
Step 1: Introduce OC, likely with info dump, maybe a scene involving him.
Step 2: Introduce Derpy, romantic interest which isn't going to get much development beyond the author telling us that the two, yes, are in love.
Step 3: Produce conflict through possible kidnapping or attack by Pinkamena, again, not likely to be explained, or at least not in much detail depending on how long the author takes developing each scene.
Step 4: Commence killing as Pinkamena takes yet another victim, likely making the OC watch as she mutilates Derpy.
Step 5: Pinkamena then takes OC's life, and carries on with her daily grocery shopping of eggs, cabbage, and pony livers.
How far off the mark is that?
4043130 The person was using a figure of speech. The word "porn" isn't always used in a sexual manner. The phrase "gore porn" means that gore is as prolific, pointless, and senseless in this story as sexual acts are in actual pornography.
4042797
i agree, it went by too fast
unfortunatley, i down vote
To follow my comment, there are plenty of ways to develop this kind of story, and the concept of a murderer can be very exciting if written the right way. I'm going to sidestep the fact that you mostly just do this for fun and ramble a bit.
So we have our murderer. Clearly, murderers are quite infamous and dangerous beings with plenty of background and knowledge in what they do. They know how to deal death, and they believe that death is either fun to dish out, is the right thing to do, is some kind of payback against society, or they're lashing out at some kind of figure of their past in vengeance. There's plenty of ways to write a murderer, and in the end, they are a very good antagonist to have if explained properly. Bonus points if their motives do fit the definition of a good guy, but their actions are considered very extremist. It makes us both hate, and care for the killer.
To consider the effects of a murderer, we'll take a look at Heavy Rain. The Origami Killer, the game's main antagonist, is a very empathetic being that we are guided to hate. Very very badly. He's a ghost, kidnapping children and carrying out killings through drowning, leaving behind origami figures at the scene.
Later on in the game, we find that his reasoning is actually kind of sympathizing; I won't spoil anything, but the motive did really make me care for the Origami Killer a bit, even though I still hated his guts for killing children. But he was scary, he was always there, and he was constantly in contact with the player, despite being a ghost. He was a constant presence that always left us thinking, and that made him a very interesting character.
Not to mention how Heavy Rain was actually written, where whenever we answered one question, two more unanswered ones would pop up. We got suspicious of others, we were cautious in what we said and did. It felt like a real conspiracy against all the characters in the story, and was truly a genius piece of writing.
Such quality of writing isn't impossible. You just have to think of how to write it. Even if you're doing this for something to do, you wanna produce something good, right? So don't just hold back, thinking that 'oh hey, I'll just write this because I'm bored and it popped into my head. Nobody'll care!' Because in the end, you do care a bit about the writing you're doing. People who come by will care as well. So take the time and put in some real work.
You may just end up impressing yourself and a lot of other people.
4043130
4043146 <-- Exactly.
4043146
True, true.
To all those that tell me to chill.
Please understand that I honestly get WAT TOO ANGRY WAY TOO EASILY.
Even my friends think so. So please understand.
Sry...
4043563
I meant way lol...
4043143
4043149
4043156
Thank you for all of your suggestions. I may or may not be editing this story because I have been busy lately so sorry if you want to see an edit.
Message me if you want an edit and I will try to make time for it.
4043571
Don't do the edit just for us. You have to put your heart and soul into these things, you have to want to make your writing something great. Change up the plot, shift the characters around, consider doing something unique with the subject you wanna tackle.
Do it because you want it. Not because others do.
4043730
GG KillerSteel.
GG
4044498
It's what I get for being a counselor in an RP community for three years, and a reviewer for about a year. Plus writer and evaluator of others...
I just know what makes a good story sometimes.
4044578
Well then,
I guess you know what your talking about.
Think imma start editing tomorrow
4044594
Hey, you don't become a reviewer in the Train Wreck Explorers without knowing what you're doing.
Take your time and have fun with it. Think of how to build proper tension when it comes to a murder, and write in a way that the build-up is there, but hidden. This kind of story could easily be told over nine or so chapters, each varying from 4000 to 5000 words.
Take it from different viewpoints. Spend a chapter with Lightning, then a chapter with Pinkie. Both planning away for their days, weeks, and eventual deaths. Always give us a hint that something's about to go horrifically wrong, but keep up the happy bits.
Balance is a good thing to have, but it's something you learn over time. I wish you luck on your writing either way, and I assure you, real effort is rewarded.
Okaay...
!
I am intrigued and slightly horrified by this story...
Fine!, This is some scary ship alright
Wait is pinkie like a body builder than?
The idea for this story is a good one. I liked the introduction of Chapter One. I just have some minor suggestions.
1) I think it's a bit out of Twilight's character to laugh at Lightning for liking Derpy. Judging by how she acts in the show, Twilight would never outright laugh at a pony for liking even the "Village Idiot", if you may, even if she went into another room to do it. Perhaps she would think it was ridiculous in her head, but laughing about it, in my opinion, fits Rainbow Dash's character better, not Twilight's.
2) It's a bit strange that Derpy would just suddenly fall in love with Lightning over a note, but perhaps she did like him before that... Well, the first point was my biggest concern.
Regardless, I will keep my eye on this story.
Pinkie Pie is so... AMAZING. Honestly you made Pinkie more of a beast then... Well... Pinkie, and thats saying something.