More Complications
=Before you read any further!=
Okay, so, thank you for all your input. I figured out what was wrong with the chapter and have rewritten it to be a bit better. Still not REALLY up to my expectations, but I'm a perfectionist so, once again. Tell me what you think of it. If I can figure out a good direction to take the story, it'll take off.
=So, here's the chapter. Comment! It's how I learn to stop sucking and be a better author!=
'Get back here and let me eat you!' The bugs seemed to be able to sense my thoughts, screaming as they desperately tried to escape. A great many of them had gotten out of the hive, only by the fact that with their sheer numbers I couldn't possibly get them all. I was also getting full, a sensation I had never felt before in my changed form. I had literally gorged myself on the delicious green ooze and shuddered at the sensation of warmth in my gut. I was now completely covered in the slime, so I shook myself off, splattering it all over the walls of the cave.
'Alright, that's about enough of this. Time for me to get out of this cave. Let's see. They're trying to get away from me, odds are they'll fly out and try to escape the cave, so then I just need to follow the mass and the scent of fresh air.'
I ran through the cave, my feet making a 'splitching' sound as they contacted the floor, which, like the walls, was covered in the same living goo as the chamber I awoke in. Down long, narrow corridors which branched every now and then, holes in the ceiling and floor reminding me of a massive beehive.
'Is that what this is? An enormous beehive, and what I've been eating when I rip them apart is their honey? It would explain why it tastes so good.' Finally, I reached a large chamber where I could see daylight filtering in through small holes. The insects flew upwards, to the very top of the chamber, towards what looked like a piece of green glass embedded in the ceiling, except that a hole opened in it to allow them passage, then closed up once they were through.
'Looks like my exit.' I grabbed the walls with my sharp claws, using my powerful arms and legs to grip the living mass and climb up the inside of the dome shaped structure, with the bee ponies swarming around, trying to hit me and knock me down, but each attempt only being met by claw or fang. Finally, I was hanging upside down, right next to the glass pane, and through it, I could see daylight, yet, it refused to open. Another of my foes flew to me, and instead of merely splattering it, I grabbed it and pushed it into the gate, causing it to open before I threw myself through it and tossed the screaming bug into my mouth, followed by a satisfying crunch. There, in the middle of the chamber, stood what must have been the queen. Tall, slender, with a crooked horn and holes through her hooves, a large pair of gossamer wings that looked shredded. She looked at me with surprise before backing away.
"No! You weren't supposed to wake up yet!"
"The false Cadence? Then I take it your plan failed....." Some of the green ooze dripped out of my mouth and down my chin, bringing a look of horror to the queen's face.
"It did, and I may have been weakened by Cadence and Shining Armor, but I have more than enough power to defeat you. Hold still, and this will be over quickly." Her claim was cut short my me pouncing on her, flipping her on to her back and pinning her to the floor of the cave. Her smell was intoxicating, the fear in her eyes alluring, and the taste as I slowly licked up her neck and face..... fantastic. I couldn't wait to sink my teeth into her. If the rest tasted that good, the queen was going to be an amazing meal. She looked at me in horror before I grabbed her neck and swung my head back and forth, flinging her around like a dog with a rope. I kept up with this for a bit before throwing her against the wall and sinking a claw into her stomach while pinning her with the other. I brought my muzzle close and breathed on her, the stench of her dead kin making her recoil. I brought my tongue up the side of her face which made her shiver, then shook my head.
'What... what am I doing? No. I need to stop this. But.... she tastes so good! NO!' I slowly backed away, the fear in her eyes no longer making arousing the hunter, instead bringing memories of death and slaughter, horrible nightmares which I fought to lock away. 'I shouldn't be doing this. I need to stop!' I dropped her to the ground and licked the... whatever it was, off my claws and face, then sniffed at her as her wounds slowly mended, to the point that it looked as though they had never been there in the first place. She shakily got to her hooves and looked at me with interest.
"You... stopped?" She cocked her head to the side and took a step towards me, but a low growl made her step back. She tried to step around, but I moved to block her. She took to the air, only for me to grab her and pull her back down, pinning her again.
"What do you want?" I tilted my head to the side and thought 'answers'. She seemed to pick up on it and sighed in defeat.
"I am Queen Chrysalis of the changelings. I impersonated Princess Cadence in order to feed on Shining Armor's love, to nourish myself and my hive, as well as weaken him to the point that we could conquer Equestria. We failed. We were driven back, and now the entire country is on high alert. We can't gather love anymore, and we're beginning to starve. We are the same. Hated by others, always having to hide what we are, yet here we can be who we were meant to be. Changelings are parasites that feed on the love of others. We're despised because of our appearance, and hated because we live a lie, hiding among others."
"Grr."
"Right...... I am the one who took you from the Canterlot Gardens. I couldn't have you blowing my cover, and with your bestial strength, speed, and ferocity, which the ponies would inevitably try to break you of, if they haven't not attempted already, would be nothing but a benefit to the swarm. Here, in this place, you can be who you are. No more running, no being judged by others. Only acceptance of who you really are." At this point, I could feel my transformation wearing off, so I backed away and let Chrysalis rise to her hooves. I didn't bother trying to stay in my current form, after all, I could just change back if I need to.
Once I returned to being human, I noticed that I was naked..... again...... 'Why must I always destroy my clothing? Especially my pants. They always get torn...... At least now I can talk properly, although I wonder why I was able to before when I was hunting.....'
"I'm afraid not. I have a previous relationship with Princess Luna..... which I have to try and get out of.... and then I need to decide what I want to do with myself."
"Will you at least think about it? You could live here, not having to hide. You could stay with me, feed me love, guard the hive, and in return, we could provide for all your needs. The love honey which you so greedily devoured, without costing me my drones next time, and relief from your..... instincts......" She gave me a sultry grin, which I immediately backed away from. I know for a fact that animals have instincts in a certain order. The first is food, and the second is breed. Since I had pretty much had my fill on all those drones, the 'love honey' giving me an enormous amount of energy, and given the position I had in pinning her to the ground, it was fairly clear to me what she was suggesting. 'Wait...... promiscuous, feed on love, transform to make themselves attractive to their food source.... Changelings are the pony version of succubi. Perhaps not actual demons, much how Equestrian lycanthropy is a disease rather than a curse, but the parallels are astounding.
"...... I'll..... keep it in mind. I'm not just going to trust you after you kidnapped me, attacked Cadence and Twilight, and put me in... whatever that thing was, then tried to seduce me, but I'll think about it, along with the dozen other things I need to decide. Which way to Equestria?"
"East. Just follow the morning sun." She opened another of those green glass-like gateways to the outside which I passed through with haste before it closed behind me. I turned to look at it, only to find that the entire structure was disguised as a large boulder from the outside, and the door itself simply blended in with the surroundings. Where I found myself now was a dense jungle, a large assortment of scents making themselves known along with the moisture that hung in the air, a particularly large mosquito landed on me, but before it could bite, a frog grabbed it with it's tongue from over five feet away and made a crunch as it ate it. A roar in the distance, followed by a flock of birds taking off to avoid whatever it was.
'Wonderful. Well, no use whining. Time to get out of here. Luna's probably worried.'
I changed back into my lycan form, the process getting easier and less painful as I practiced it, then charged off towards the morning sun. The soft moss on my paws, the sticks crunching as I ran over them, bushes being thrown out of my way and vines snapping as I charged through the underbrush towards the land of the ponies.
'Really, I should consider Chrysalis's offer..... I was only in Ponyville a few days before Nightmare Night, what is my attachment to them? Lyra, whom I only care for because she reminds me of my sister, Ditzy Doo who has a life of her own, a foal, and apparently adventures with the Doctor, Twilight, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy, whom I have very little connection with, Cadence, who offered me kindness, and Luna, whom I owe my gratitude. Yes, she spent a great deal of time helping me gain control of my inner animal, but where does that become romantic? What's more, if she's anything like what I think her to be, she's a dominating, manipulative sister, used to getting what she wants, and our relationship is only one of courtship because she has feelings for me which she never told me of, and altered a carefully laid plan without my knowledge, just to get what she wants.... why does nobody take what I want into consideration, and just decide things on their own?'
=So, I think this version is better than some sort of love drug. It seemed like a cheesy excuse for clop, which I am NOT writing. I like this one MUCH more.=
Well from what you described the future is not for my liking ( and i would see somethings different but its just me) and i hope you can change it a little that is if you don't mind . ;) but its your story and i like it so far so i will wait and see how its going to go xD
That whole "Love ....Quadrohedron?" idea actually has some potential from what I can tell.....Which is a good sign, because I'm running on my 3 day of minimal sleep, so if I can notice that, it's obviously got potential.
That, was simply amazing. I honestly did not expect for that to happen.
Well you want my honest oppinon, well then.
1) I can see how Lark views Lyra in regards as a family member do to his past.
2) Since DD helped him get aquainted in ponyville I can see why they would be friends.
3) the drug thing is actually a great plot device as it is used in many stories and movies. In Heavy Rain the FBI agent was addicted to drugs as well.
4) The love thing with Luna...I can't see how that will work out in my head...and some of it I can which involves the drug Lark was giving.
5) It's me and not you type of thing...I can see how the sex thing was neccessary and you probably already know about how I hate it but I can live with it.
summary: I actually like the "love drug" as a means of plot device in the story and I reccommend you bringing it back if you scrap it. The whole love thing is confusing because you make it sound that DD and Lyra are involved in it. I really don't understand who is in love with who except that Lark and Luna are the only two currently involved. Lastly,we all can't write fantastic stories. This is fan fiction, A way for us to creativly express ourselves with people who can appreciate what we do.
Sorry if this is too long. I tend to say a lot when it comes to writing.
1264008 Well, As for the Lyra and Derpy thing, he loves them more as family would. You forget he's not looking for romance, and would be perfectly happy just playing music with Lyra, or traveling with Ditzy, Dinky, and the Doctor in the tardis as a kind of heavy hitter to help out on their adventures. He's trapped in a romantic relationship with Luna that he doesn't want at the moment, but is at least willing to give it a try, and is stuck having to put up with Chrysalis. So, Lark doesn't actually love any of them romantically. He has gratitude to Luna, his past life moving him towards just being Lyra's friend, friendship with Derpy, and then 'My Chemical Romance' with Chrysalis. It is confusing, and as I said before, I'm not sure I like it either. I was just throwing an idea out there, which is why I said I would probably scrap it, taking the feedback into account.
1264041 Well as I said before, the "Love drug is a great means to be used as a plot device in the story. I also forgot that Lark wasn't romantically involved with Luna because they wanted to trick the Diamond Dog king from taking him away. The Lyra and DD thing I can understand completely as the Doctor can come into play as well. As I said, the whole I have to have Chrysalis's "Bad Romance" as a way for me to not go crazy can come into play where Lark might have to do things against his will like sabatoge, thievery, recon missions, etc.
Well played with the band analogy, I really like MCR's work
i'll admit: i only clicked on this becuse i thought the pic was Austria from Hetalia. but i stll might read it....
adventuresofadamnfool.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/quite.jpeg
MMMM Quite
In my opinion I hope you keep up with the current direction of the story it sounds pretty good
got a great deal of potential i wish you luck in not bucking it up Celestia knows i would have all ready....on a personal note if i couldn't kill the bitch as the wolf i'd have done it as a human snapping her neck would not be difficult but i digress seems like a good plan as long as you don't turn lark into a winny bitch but hey that's just my opinion
Here's my honest opinion.I like your story.I think it's interesting and has the elements that make a story good.Personally though I think the chemical aphrodesiac is a bit much.I mean between the uncontrolled transformation,his past life, the Diamond dog trouble,and his sudden fancy for Luna,I think it's a bit much already.Now with this new problem I thinks it's too much bad and not enough,comedy/adventure.It just seems to me to be a little too dark.
The thing is I hate it when the main character isn't in control of himself.I think it's because I hate injustice so It's just a personal weakness of mine.I particularly loved this story when he gained full control over himself and it was then that I expected this story to turn to a more social aspect such as more character interaction.I have nothing against a turn for the worst {like the Daimond dog fiasco} but I like a hero who makes his own decisions good or bad.
Once again this is just my opinion of which you asked for.I do hope it was enlightening and/or helpful to you.good luck with the continuation of you story and please notify me of your direction either new or continued. :)
You already have "Griffin the griffin" story where you can do all kind of crazy shit. So making a good story with development characters should be more exiting ... I think
P.S. excues my English being bad XD.
Great. Now i have a headcanon of love-honey being created from semen.
Well I reread the chapter. and here is what I noticed from earlier...Sorry if I am being like this. It's who I am
1) I like that Lark is in control of who he is and not the deranged animal he was before
2) like: You taken into consideration why Chrysalis did all of this and how it is not her fault.
3) Like: Lark never did get to know anyone from ponyville which shows how detached he is from society which would make him question why would he want to live there.
4) Dislike: you took out the drug to make Lark do things against his will
5) like: You manage to not make it sensual!
6) like: Chrysalis plan to have him here and to help them with their problem
7) dislike: How would Lark provide love to her if he doesn't love her back
8) Like: Chrysalis cares for her drones instead of being a bitch and using them for nothing
Summary: Well the story is smoother than before and you make Lark in control of his animal instincts instead of throwing them out the window when he was eating the drones. You make Chrysalis look like the good guy because it is not her being evil but just surviving. You have Lark wonder what the hell he is doing here and why should he stay with them. Provides the other characters Point of view to the situation and can show more emotional conflict than physical conflict. So...I like this one better. I am still sad about the drugs not being involved but then again...you would have two characters addicted to something and that would mean you are just recycling your ideas. So I like it.
1264784 ..... Time to ruin your head canon. It's condensed love. They harvest the magic of love and condense it into a physical form. Like how bee's turn nectar into honey. When he ripped them apart, he was eating love, which made him feel all warm inside.
1264801 7) dislike: How would Lark provide love to her if he doesn't love her back? Well, that's where I could either put the love drug, or slowly build a relationship he actually chooses to have. I mean, come on. He ate liquid love. That's gotta do something for the feelgood, considering his self esteem is at an all time low. Not sure yet, but I won't rule anything out. Yep, I definitely like this version better though.
1264860
I knew it was condensed love... but, ponder this, what do you do to the one you love most?
Give them your babies.
1264860 Well ,well, well, well This should be interesting. I can't wait for the suspense that you might build or the love tension invovled in your story. Please take you time...We don't want you to rush.
I definitely like the new changes.I also noticed that you seem to have modeled your theories of changelings after bee's.I know a bit about bee's. If you'd like to continue on with the theory by comparing and adapting it to the MLP theme I can offer my thought's.That is if you want to of course.
Also great Job on the story.:)
Fun fact: did you know that in bee society that if the queen doesn't delegate orders right or produce enough eggs that the worker bee's will gang up on the queen to end her life? It's called balling although the queen usually dies of suffocating in the swarm before a single bee can sting her.
You know what I find interesting about this story? It's that there hasn't been any proof that it's not canon to Griffin the Griffin. So uh... hint hint
Chrysalis wanted to get down and dirty? Wow, Luna is gonna be sooooooo pissed.
1265138 The fact that they didn't know what humans were? Made no mention of Griffin? "Oh, hey Lark, there's another human running around, just to let you know. In fact, there's like, 200 of them."
Kay so reread the remade chapter and not gonna lie I liked this more. One minor annoyance but that's just me at Lark's personalty, plot wise its wonderful I just personally hate people whom bitch about things and don't try to fix them. That being said he just complained and reflated on things and I'm being a dick so just ignore this and let me start again.......
......Kay so reread the remade chapter and not gonna lie I liked this more. The ways you can progress this and the fact your not using an "easy fix" with the "love drug" while a "love drug" does have its merits.....it didn't seem to fit with the rest of the story. Lark here gets a demonic curse under his control to use at his whim and the will with which he does this is broken by a little changeling queen spit?......No 'venom' from a weakened and defeat changeling queen?....As I said this new way I like much better not that that matters I'm only a single reader but you asked for comments and here you go.
1265425 'Get back here and let me eat you!'
Like that?
Having not been privileged to read the prototype that was rewritten, I must say I enjoyed this chapter. I like the fact that the human/lycanthrope doesn't reject the changeling queens advances out of hand. Sure he don't trust her, but who would? I just like the fact that he is taking into account the fact that HE doesn't have any really deep connection to the ponies, except for gratitude in helping him with his condition. Where does that gratitude end? How far can it go? Nice to see a human that actually thinks about his own condition and future, as well as the ponies and just where it will take him. I will definitely be waiting, with baited breath, to see what comes of this. Who knows, maybe Luna will be able to woo him! <barking laugh> We all know, she doesn't like to loose... and if she finds out about what Chrysalis is trying with HER woof, and finds out where the hive is...
iambrony.steeph.tp-radio.de/mlp/gif/134267%20-%20animated%20luna%20nuke.gif
As we all know... Luna plays for keeps...
Bro, you have to suck in the first place in order to stop sucking.
I take back my earlier comment this is better
*Reupload comment*
miataturbo.net/attachments/build-threads-57/36204-cordycords-epic-tube-frame-build-go_on-jpg?dateline=1331259088
1264102
It is Austria, he's just using it as a stock image.
... Personally, I say make him stay for a while, mulling it over for a chapter or two, some filler, before making him decide, not only will it give you more time to decide, but also it.... I lost my train of thought >.<
Edit: NOW I REMEMBER! I was about to say "also it will give you a chance to say goodbye, if you decide he leaves."
Wait, so Chrysalis and Luna are BOTH coming onto him?
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m4q40rUxNR1rvwsino3_1280.jpg
1264860 He should totally have Chrysalis and the ponies make peace.
Then he can do BOTH Luna AND Chrysalis!
CUZ HE'S HUNGRY LIKE THE WOLF!!!
(PS: How come more people haven't used that reference! Come on! It's classic 80's!)
1366642 And I am a pride lord! (were-lion!) King o' the beasts, beee-yatch!
1412038 I know, but for simplicity sake, he's telling Lark that.
As General Washington once said
Trololol!
I'm also glad that you decided to take a break from 'Griffin the Griffin' to write this because I love this fic. now MOAR CHAPTERS
a.disquscdn.com/uploads/mediaembed/images/2677/9244/original.jpg?w=600&h
1268250 BUENO
6824309
Interrogative: What is that from?
Who let Gluttony into the story?