Fluttershy works up the nerve to propose to Rarity and she says yes. But when Rarity spends too much time planning her dream wedding Fluttershy gets second thoughts.
A Flarity story.
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 7th Dec, 2012
- offline last seen May 30th, 2022
Randomized
Yellow fellow bronies of the interwebs. I tend to dream big but that's good for a story writer. My imagination is bigger than ever. So read my sotries in my featured story list. (if i have one yet.)
Randomized
Joined 7th Dec, 2012 ·
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Okay, where to begin...
The story needs some formatting work. It would read easier if there was some space between paragraphs. Also, I would brush up on your there/their/they're differences (and your/you're). In the description and first paragraph alone, there are two instances where you use 'there' but mean 'they're'.
Applejack’s name is only one word.
It's very dialog heavy. There's no indication of what any of the characters are doing while they talk.
Lastly, the idea that either A) Dash would dare Shy to propose, or B) Shy would actually accept/act on that dare is absurd. Well, on second thought, Dash making the dare isn't out of the ballpark, but Shy would never propose just because she was dared to.
@Randomized...
3768542...
If you are going to use the fan-artwork from the very talented DeviantArt(ist) X-Arielle for your cover image, you should credit her for it.
Also, despite that portmanteau'x make my eyes twitch, the correct use & spelling is "RariShy."
I agree with all that Dianwei32 said. Your story-premise is solid, but your technical writing needs a LOT of work & improvement.
3768791 Actually, I much prefer 'Flarity' as the name for this ship. It rolls off the tongue a little easier.
3768542 Thanks for the feed back on the grammar errors but when it comes down to the daring thing it's my story not the actual show. So what characters would or would not have usually done is not an issue. If I wanna make her accept the dare I can. Hope you keep reading
3768791 Once again thanks for the feed back. And I didn't credit the artist of the photo because 1) I got it off of Google images 2) I wasn't thinking about it at the time and 3) I kind of don't care. I wasn't sure about the shipping name and I was to lazy to look it up so I'll change it. Hope you keep reading
3769849 Now that I look at both shipping names I think I'll change it to Flarity as you suggested.
3770078...
1. You should care about crediting DeviantArt(ist) X-Arielle for her work and your use of it. "To gain respect, first give respect." This hold true for even fan-fiction writing.
2. Source Accuracy. You are correct that it is your fan-fiction and you can write it as you see fit. The counter-balance to that is that Source Accuracy is an important storytelling tool for fan-fiction writing. If Fluttershy does not act like Fluttershy, or sound like Fluttershy, or "feel" like Fluttershy to the reader-audience, then can you really call the character "Fluttershy"..?
"It sounded (or looked) good in my head," is one of the fatal literary writing errors to any form of writing. The reader audience cannot see inside your head, so you the Author must portray a character &/or scene in your mind clearly and accurately to the reader audience.
If Fluttershy is going to go off-character, then you need to descriptively show-&-tell why she is going off-character, in-story. If you say, "it's my story and that's how she rolls," post-story in the Author's Note or Comments, it is far too late, the damage is done and have lost your reader audience.
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
3. As a bit of guidance, I would suggest watching the Comedy Romance (rather than "romantic comedy") of My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002 film). The film, one of my many favorites, is very similar to your own story premise [Which is what drew me to Comment here.], and should help provide direction, guidance, &/or inspiration.
3770973 1. It's just a picture. Not everyone has time to credit someone for a picture every time they write a fan-fiction.
2. All she did was except a dare. I also pacifically said why she did it. She did it because she doesn't like rainbow dash calling her chicken.
3. Thanks for suggesting that movie but I think I got this story under control
3775109 1.) Imagine it the other way around. What if it was your picture and someone was out there using it to advertise their fic without your permission? Especially since it's easy to credit the author. It would probably take you less time to add in a link/acknowledgement to the author than it did to make that comment about how you didn't have the time to credit him/her.
2.) Yes, she accepted the date, but that action in and of itself is out of character for Fluttershy (as is Rainbow making the dare in the first place, but one thing at a time). If the dare was made, Shy would simply stare at her hooves and say that she couldn't possibly do something like that. There's almost no chance she would accept it, especially for something as intimate and serious as proposing to Rarity.
It's one thing to explain why a character does something, but the why has to fit into who the character is. Having Fluttershy accept a dare of this magnitude is what one of my friends likes to refer to as 'character murder.'
3.) Never assume you have a story under control, because you are almost always wrong. I don't mean that in a mean/insulting way, just that stories have a tendency to buck any plans you may have had for them and take on a life of their own.
3799997 1. if it were my picture I wouldn't care if they used it if i put out in the world for everyone to see then there free to use it if they want.
2. it's too late now and i don't want to change it.
3. w.e. if you don't like my story and how i write it then don't read it.