Young teenaged idiot attempting to write pony fanfiction
It turns out that the mind-control spell that Twilight originally used to make the vampire fruit bats stop craving fruit had more after effects than the ponies thought. The ponies and Spike are faced with a difficult decision once again. Can they save the trees of Sweet Apple Acres before it's too late?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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May I give you a suggestion? I gave you the thumb up by the way. It's not that bad. The suggestion is that you space your paragraphs more, because as of now it's just a wall of text and easy to lose your spot.
Heh. I thought 'there sure have been a lot of magical disasters around here' meant that Twilight herself was the cause, until you added the shadowy figure.
3705199 Thanks for the advice, I'll keep that in mind
There are three main criticisms I have with this story.
First, and this is relatively minor, near the beginning you write as if you're making a transcript of an episode:
You never do that again after this, even when you have other scene transitions. Given the length of the story, it's also really unlikely that you could have convincingly made this into a fake episode. That's not in itself a bad thing, given Equestria Daily's word count limit, but combined with the lack of consistency in your transitions, it sort of comes across as an abandoned idea that you forgot to take out.
Second, a lot of the conflict and resolution of the story is rather confusing.
So all of the healthy trees around the cannibal trees were affected? How were they affected if they didn't turn into cannibal trees themselves? And if they were affected too, and Twilight wants to chop them down, why not just chop down the cannibal trees as well? Or, if they can't chop down the cannibal trees because they'd, I don't know, bite them or something, why do the trees around them have to be affected? If Twilight wanted to cut down all of the trees around the cannibals in order to starve the cannibals, that leaves no reason for the other trees to have been affected.
So the cannibal trees can move, then? How do they move? Do they have legs? Wings? And how do they have good hearing if they don't have ears? The spell that made them cannibals didn't give them sight, so why did it give them hearing? And besides that, how does Fluttershy know anything about the cannibal trees? As far as your reader is aware, Fluttershy hasn't even seen them yet. How does she know that they can suddenly hear things now?
Wait, so they're spraying all the places the trees have grown? So, the trees can't move?
Did Twilight make her magic into a spray? She's never possessed the ability to do that before. How does that work? Why doesn't Twilight just cast the spell over a large area? Also, earlier Twilight says that they'll spray everywhere the trees have grown, which I would assume refers to the soil the trees grew on. If this is true, why did they spray the trees? If it's not true, why did Twilight say that?
I understand that the word limit makes it difficult to construct a conflict and resolution, but this story raises more questions than it answers. It could definitely benefit from some clarification and simplification. For example, I don't understand why you established that the trees can move when your explanation of how they sprayed the trees mentions no difficulty in doing so.
Third, and this is also relatively minor, some instances of your word choice are a little confusing. The fact that I've laid them all out below may make it seem like I'm really ripping into this story, but that's not quite true. None of the examples below, nor the combination of them all, present a really major problem. However, that's no reason not to take notice of them.
Perhaps this is just me, but the word "sharply" doesn't seem to fit here.
"Mapping out the diagram of an apple seed"? I would expect you to say "Mapping out a diagram of an apple seed," because no diagram had been established yet.
The word "bursting" implies a very large, quick action, which sounds odd here given that she's currently inside the confines of a building.
She never really butted in a first time, considering that she first spoke after all of the ponies had been silent.
Using the modifying phrase "as loudly as she could" presents a less concrete image than, say "loudly" by itself.
"Thank you, Fluttershy" is not a declaration.
"After arriving at Sweet Apple Acres" implies that they made no other stops on the way. This begs the question of why the hoses and tanks happened to already be at Sweet Apple Acres in the first place, since you make no mention of the ponies bringing them there.
"Vanishing once more" implies that the figure had vanished at least once in the past, which is not something that your story has established.
And that's that.
All of my above comments are not meant to imply that your story is bad. It's well-written and suffers, as far as I can see, from no obvious grammatical errors. The characters all seem spot-on (except for Applejack saying that the trees have feelings, which is believable if not confusing). And the premise, while perhaps not executed perfectly, is unique and interesting. I'll be looking forward to the next stories you make for Equestria Daily's Training Grounds.
3706019 Thank you for the advice, it was very helpful
I fixed most of the smaller errors; I'll probably tackle the larger ones later.
3706232
Hey, no problem. Like I said, it's a good, well-written story, and I'll be looking forward to anything else you publish.