Encore (alternate ending)
“Octy, please,” Vinyl begged. “Stop playing, talk to me.”
I could feel my own face, stained by tears. I could feel my aching joints, pierced by the curved needles and trickling blood as they guided me to play my song. My attempts to pull back from the cello failed. ”Can you give me a hoof? I can’t stop playing.”
Vinyl made sure we were making eye contact. “I love you, Octavia.”
”I love you too, Vinyl,” I cried. “Let’s ditch the cello and move to Ponyville.”
Vinyl reached for the bow, and the strings caused me to slap her in the face with it. She stood there in shocked silence for a minute while I resumed playing.
“Let me know what’s wrong. I don’t know what else to try.”
”Vinyl? Can’t you hear me?”
Vinyl gently placed a hoof against my shoulder and I continued to play the sonata.
”No, no! this is all wrong! Vinyl!” I screamed. “Vinyl help me!” I pounded against the strings with all my might, yet I did not budge an inch. I was powerless to move, so I focused on my voice and my eyes.
“Octy,” Vinyl wept. “Please, tell me you love me, that we can be happy, say something!”
”YES! Yes! Please Vinyl, look at me, it’s not me! You've got to help me fight it! Look me in the eyes!”
Vinyl stared right into my eyes. “Don’t choose the music over me. . . I . . . Please . . .”
I felt the strings tugging at my lips as a familiar feral grin formed.
”NO! NO! STOP IT!” I demanded. It couldn't end like this, after everything I couldn't let it end! “Vinyl! Save me! I Love you!”
Vinyl turned around and began to walk away. She turned her head to the side, and spoke. “I’m sorry, Octy. I don’t know what I did to make you hate me, but know I will always love you.”
Vinyl walked slowly to the exit.
”Celestia damn it! Get back here Vinyl! Help me! Stop!” I threw every bit of energy into snapping the strings. I could feel the strings tugging against my joints, and with the smallest of movements, the note faltered. Vinyl stopped and cocked her head to the side. I started using my emotions as my strength again, like I did with my parents, but instead of anger burning inside of me, hope was the dominating emotion.
I pushed myself to do something, ANYTHING, but play that blasted cello. A small squeak escaped my teeth, and my hope once again skyrocketed as Vinyl turned her head to look at me. She slowly walked over to me, and the closer she got, the more strength it gave me. I saw one of the lines holding my hand start to tighten and shake, and finally, snap. That was all the incentive I needed to try even harder. With the rest of my strength I pushed at the lines holding my body still. Vinyl approached me. She must have seen the tears, and the internal struggle, because she leaned in and kissed me on the cheek.
"Octavia, what's wrong, you can tell me!"
I knew I couldn't answer her so I focused all of my energy on trying to break the the chains that only I could see. My body rebelled against every movement I made, though the shooting pain in my body paled in comparison to the hope I felt as I imagined all of the time I spent with my best friend. And one thing she said still rang in my mind louder than the music ever was, “Stick with me, and ill protect you.” I kept thinking that, and after a while, it became a mantra to fuel me. Vinyl once again started walking away. After all of those years of neglect from my parents, I wasn't ready to give up one my one chance to have a true friend. Using the last of my strength I pushed through the chains. I heard them shatter almost as if they were real. On the way to the floor three things registered in my mind. First, was that the music had stopped. The second, was that the nightmare was finally over. I no longer needed to deal with the horrors of my parents, nor the music constantly berating me. I don't know how I knew that, but I did. And third, that the power I used to break free of the mystical chains came from from somewhere that had been locked away in me for so long, because I never used it. My heart. And with that, darkness enveloped my vision, and i drifted into unconsciousness.
Epilogue:
I awoke, once again, in a bed that was not mine. A strange sense of Deja vu coming upon me, until in bits and pieces, I remembered the events of the previous night. I turned over on my side to see who’s bed I was in, even though i already knew. A small bit of blue hair peaked out from under the comforter. I sat up and removed enough of the blanket so i could see her head, and i felt something i haven't felt for anyone, because I've never needed to. Love. I had an energy in me that i've never felt before. Something that has been hidden from me my whole life. Her eyes fluttered open and i couldn't stop the thought before it entered my mind. “She is the most beautiful pony,I have ever met.” As her scarlet eyes stared up at me, i hoped that she returned the feeling.
“Hello, Octy. Hungry?” She asked, a small hint of something I couldn't place in her voice.
“you have no idea.”
After a breakfast of eggs and orange juice, we sat on the couch, and she asked the dreaded question that I knew I had coming: “would you like to talk about what happened?” And for once, I was ready. As i recounted everything that had happened since that first night at the bar, I started letting loose a flood of tears that mixed with those of Vinyl.
“Octy, i'm so sorry! Ill always be here to protect you from now on!” She sniffed. After a couple more minutes of crying, we stared into each others eyes, thinking the same thing, though I was the first to say it.
“Vinyl, I love you.” If Vinyl had smiled any wider, her mouth would have ripped.
“oh Octy, I love you too! Please never leave my side again.”
We both leaned in a little closer, until our lips finally touched. As her soft lips glided across mine, I finally felt contentment. I wish that moment could have lasted forever, but we dont always get what we want. When our lips parted, I lay my head on her chest, thinking not of the past, but of things to come.
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I don't care what the hell this is going to be, but just the concept of an alternate ending for what I believe to be one of the greatest stories ever written is already enough of a reason for me to like and favorite. I'll give my thorough detail once I'm done reading.
Kinda funny I see this today; Germans celebrate Christmas on the evening of the 24th, so this is almost like a gift for me. I used to pester Kaidan about this alternate ending for months.
Well Rainbowzillaz, this was a ballsy move, I feel like I am obligated specifically to review this, being that this is my favorite story on the site. I feel that the way you handled this story was great for a first fic, your writing was overall very good, but I feel the reserves of power were to easy for her, an emotionally shattered victem, to access. Another note is the wording on the power of love, instead of it being a magical force, it seems (to me) that it should be a motivational emotion, like "I drew strength fron the love that grew in my heart, wich had grown cold over the years of neglect, this feeling of warmth spread through my body the closer she got to me" or something like that. A few errors bothered me, not many, but the i's need the be capitalized and a few of the sentences are a bit too short, add a little bit more to them and it should be fine.Overall, very good job, you achieved the emotional depth needed to expand the story, and while I liked the original ending more, I assure you it is not because of your writing.
3677634 Thank you so much for your feedback, I had a lot of fun writing this so i'm glad you enjoyed it. I will take what you said into consideration and hopefully I can incorporate some of what I learned into future works. I also loved the original, it's just that when I read an ending that nearly moves me to tears, I like to think of what another outcome could be. Thanks again for the criticism.
-Rainbowzillaz
3677688
Glad to help, good job and keep writing!!!
Reliving the old times, I'm writing this comment under the same circumstances I already wrote my huge-ass review after I finished reading Puppet many months ago: in my bed, tired, on a phone, without spellchecker, and without proofreading. I really wonder where I got that rambling talent from.
Anyway, what am I supposed to say about this alternate ending? Well, first and foremost, obviously, the fact that you actually took the time to make an alternate ending for my most-favorite story is an amazing move by default. I've been pestering Kaidan for months to write me an alternate ending, but for some reason he always seems to find an excuse...
But this is about your alternat ending, not his non-existing one. So, let's get started.
As with all alternate endings, you started by copy-pasting a section of the original story to refresh the reader's mind and to tell them where exactly your variation of the end kicks in. It doesn't take much to realize this is important, but it's still nice you remembered it for your very first fic.
What I don't like at all, and I have to be blunt here, is the horrendous editing. I don't know if it was laziness or really not knowing better, but the amount of uncapitalized I's is really, really disappointing. This is a real question, actually: was it laziness?
Another issue was the length of the paragraphs, among a few more things which I will not further elaborate.
What really matters is the story, so let's go on with that next. One thing I have to give you praise for is the simple fact of it being a happy ending. Even though Puppet was supposed to be a tragedy that was designed to leave you with a hole in your heart when you finish reading it (and god damn did it do that job perfectly...) I always wanted to see how a bright ending would look like. Well, that's not really true, as the idea is simple. But the excecution of this idea is truly an interesting point. So, did you accomplish something worthwhile here?
Well, I really have to break it to you, but the answer is no. Now don't be saddened by this, because I mean this kind of no as in, "I can see your motivation and appreciate it, but you being new to writing made it fail," not that I think you suck or anything. There are a few rules to follow and you're pretty much good to go.
What perplexed me the most was where Vinyl returned and immediately kissed Octavia. That's just wrong. Vinyl was just about to leave Octavia for the rest of their lives, and just because she heard a few noises she returns and kisses her. The idea is fine, but just way, way too rushed. You should've made her, like, stare at Octavia for a while and eventually realize it was a good idea to get her out of her stupor.
Either way, for a first attempt at writing it is, although lacking quite a bit, acceptable. Just try harder, ask a few people to preread your work, and you should be on your best way to become a good author.
Final question though: Why did you write an alternate ending of a story you haven't favorited? You didn't follow Kaidan, which is fine; each to their own. But no favorite?
3679063 Thanks for the criticism, and i'm glad you were blunt with me, I listen more to people telling me how it is than people beating around the bush, so to speak. An the "i's" were just laziness, I went back in and got most of them (I hope) but ill read it again just in case I missed some. Honestly the reason I didn't favorite the original is also because I am an incredibly lazy person. I put it under read later, but when I finished the story I just sort of forgot to favorite. The original ending had me attempting not to break down, and distracted my mouse from the fave button. Again, thanks for your time to write your thoughts and I will try to incorporate your Ideas into my writing from now on.
-Rainbowzillaz
I praise you for making a alterative ending to the A Puppet to Her Fame.
*spoilers*
I like how you had Oct just break the strings around her and showing that she cared for Vinyl gave the strength she needed to fight against the Puppeteer to be with the one that made her happy.
*End Spoilers*
Oh, god you made my day with that ending. The original one was so sad, and this one lifted my spirits! Thank-you!
3998173 No problem, i'm glad you enjoyed it!
.
This was the ending that I wanted.
(have not read it yet)
I hope thy go to the princess and TELL THEM EVERY THING! then after Tia does some thing to at least ward off the hooks, she (being shocked at the depth of depravity) starts an investigation into the corruption amongst the noble and the cops and weeds out ALL the corruption. Because the corruption (to me) was just as tragic an element as any thing else in "A Puppet To Her Fame ". ( how many other Canterlot noble foals are being abused? how many other crimes and atrocities are being committed behind closed doors)
I also hope that Octavia's parent live and get a vary long, stern and righteous berating by Celestia. I think death was not a fitting nor harsh enough punishment. It would have bin better for them to have bin striped of land, title and every thing else that they maintained by selling an eldritch abomination their daughters life and body.
(the world should be made to know what they did to her)
oh I hope, I hope, I hope!
I just finished reading the original, and I was heartbroken. It did not end the way I wanted it to.
You ended it perfectly. You gave the ending I was desperate for. Thank you.
I give you the Holy Muffin award - second one I've ever given. The award for the stories that blow me away. The cream of the crop, purified. Thank you again for making this.
~SoDF
Hmm. Although I do like the original best, I liked this! Octavia's love for Vinyl was the thing that could finally break what had been torturing her.
excellent work.
I Like This Ending Better. Wonderful work!
6867408 Thank you so much! I'm sorry this is late, I haven't been able to get on in a long time, life gets to you. Anyways, I feel honored to receive your "Holy Muffin" award, thank you very much.
-Rainbowzillaz
3679063
Ain't that the damn truth
The only issue I have isn't with your story, it's with your lack of paragraphing.
Time
Place
Topic
Person
If any of these change you need a new paragraph. Person refers to speach as well. Since it's your first it's understandable but if suggest getting a proof reader.
8587486
Thanks for the feedback! Apologies for the late response, life gets to you and I haven’t had the chance to get on in a while. It’s been a few years since I wrote this and now that I look back on it there’s a lot I would have done differently. I’ve been planning to rewrite it for a while, but I’d definitely want to re-read the original first. My writing has changed (and hopefully improved) over the last few years and I’m sure I’d be much happier with the finished product if I gave it a thorough once over. Time seems to be the biggest issue right now to me doing any of that however.
Either way, ignore my rambling! Thank you so much for the feedback even after all this time.
The ending we needed