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This story is a story about Zak , Nick, and Aaron in Equestria. This is based on a popular TV show called Ghost Adventures. They are investigating a haunted mansion called De Lomburge in Georgia then somehow they teleport to Equestria and learn the meaning of friendship. They also become awesome bronies. This story is probably my biggest story yet. I hope you guys enjoy this story as much as I will. If you guys don't like please be nice about it. You hurt my widdle feelings.

First Published
29th Nov 2013
Last Modified
17th Dec 2013
#1 · 182w, 1d ago · 9 · ·

Warning: Constructive criticism ahead

Sorry to put it bluntly, but this is crap.

First of all, make chapters way longer than this. This sort of size for chapters is terrible, it's barely enough for a small segment of a chapter. A good size would be 1000+ words, it takes a bit longer but it stops people from instantly hating your story.

You need to be more descriptive with what you're writing, putting something like "They ate some burgers and stuff" is waaay too casual. Readers will want to know loads and loads of details, not just what they ate. For example:

The three of them decided to go to a nearby fast food restaurant and ordered burgers. Zak had a cheeseburger with a serving of fries and a chocolate milkshake. Nick also had a cheeseburger, but instead of fries he decided to have onion rings and a vanilla milkshake. Aaron decided to have something a bit different to the others though, and had a bacon burger with fries. He wasn't particularly thirsty, so he didn't buy a drink. After they had finished their meal they headed over to White Castle and knocked on the door.

Every one of your sentences in that paragraph could be turned into an entirely new paragraph. The rule of paragraphs is if you're introducing a new idea, start a new paragraph.

Another important point is to not tell the audience what they haven't learned yet:

Zak received a letter from the owner of an old mansion.

They don't know who it's from yet, so you shouldn't be telling them yet. It's basically breaking the forth wall. Your main problem is description, and that also makes your length suffer. People need so much more info than you're giving them.

Another problem is your grammar. If you're not going to be careful when writing then at least put it through a spell checker afterwards. Incorrect grammar is what is causing a lot of problems when reading this story.

Your final main problem is how it looks. Presentation is a key part of a story. The worst presented place in this chapter was the letter. You need to show how it's different to normal text. Punctuation wise, it needs to look more like this:

Zak received a letter from the owner of an old mansion. The letter said:

To Zak, Nick, and Aaron

Hello this is the owner of the mansion called white castle. I have been having unexplained occurrences happen lately, and was hoping if you guys could help me with this. I had pots and pans moving on there own and other similar things happening. So if you want to help thanks. The address is 1364 Ferguson drive.

From anonymous.

I could go into a lot more detail but I think you get the picture. It doesn't matter how long it takes to get a chapter out, as long as you're making lots of improvements to it. I'm currently reading a story called Changing The Lunar Guard. The author takes months to write it's chapters (which aren't even that long, all things considered), and it's one of my current personal favorites.

Basically, just practice a bit before writing. Don't be so hasty to post something. The more time you put into it, the better it will be.

#2 · 182w, 1d ago · 2 · ·

So... many... simple... sentences.... :pinkiesick:

#4 · 118w, 3d ago · · ·

Finds This Story After Searching 'Ghost'

Nothing to see here! Back into the van!

#5 · 118w, 3d ago · · ·

>>3557695

>>3552607

>>3552301

Im pretty sure this guy is a troll, considering how one of his blog posts talks about the 'Skrekenning' or something like that. :applejackunsure:

#6 · 118w, 3d ago · 2 · ·

>>5636806 Wow, I'd forgotten about this.

Comparing what I know now and what I knew then; yeah, this is definitely a trollfic.

#7 · 118w, 2d ago · 1 · ·

>>5637148

Well aren't you a magnificent bastard? At least it's a trollfic so none of my agony is left.

#9 · 79w, 5d ago · · ·

I got so fucking g excited when I saw this because ghost adventures is my all time favorite show. I thought it was going to be a good crossover. It wasn't. This is shit. Stop. Just stop.

#10 · 69w, 2d ago · 3 · ·

My name is Zak bagans. I never believed in ponies, until I came face to face with one.

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