Coup d'état

by kiheerSEDMAN

Yay

Coup d'état

Greetings reader, we understand that you know naught about us. Well, you may call us Veni, Vedi, and Veci. You may have heard tell of us in dark corners of parties or other darker bastions of rumors and secrecy, and you might hear even more about us in the next few moments of your journey, but a story you seek, and a story you will get, one of olden times a thousand years ago.

• • •

Princess Mi Amore Cadenza looked at her reflection in the mirror, her pink complexion glittered in the light of the candle beside her. Her room was brightly lit, its decorations modest for a princess, the furniture only comprising of a large wood bed, the dresser before which she sat, and a small table upon which sat a small box, the top of which was covered in faded black and white squares in an even eight by eight alternating pattern.

A knock sounded at the door, and the voice of the guard behind it could be heard, “Your majesty, the court is waiting for your grand appearance down in the entrance hall.”

She looked up and replied, “Don’t worry I’m almost ready.” as she levitated the last crystal up into her hair.

She opened the door to see the guard standing at attention outside, nodded at him and proceeded down the hall and down the circular stairs to the ground level of the grand crystal castle.

• • •

The newly appointed Count Sombra sat at the far end of the table from the door from which the Princess would likely be entering the room from at any second. His sudden rise from viscount to take the place of his now deceased superior came as a surprise to the court, the sudden death of a count a shock in an otherwise bloodless empire. Sombra prodded the table impatiently, the entrance hall was filled with ponies of high merit or social status all staring at the door eagerly awaiting the Princess’s arrival. Their eagerness disgusted Sombra, his attention focused on his plan, three years of hard scheming soon to come to a head in the next few minutes.

A palace guard stepped into the room and announced, “May everypony look this way for your Princess has arrived!”

He then lifted his flugelhorn to his muzzle and blared a lively tune as Mi Amore Cadenza walked gracefully into the room much to the appreciation of the ponies gathered at the table. She ended her journey at the throne which sat upon at an elevated section of the hall and addressed the gathering before her.

“We are gathered here today to discuss the plans for this year’s Crystal Faire and to see to its preparations, but before we begin, does anypony have something they would like to say?”

A bedecked stallion in the back stood and declared, “I would like to commemorate our fine Princess for her attire today and hope that this year’s Faire will be the best one yet!”

Sombra ground his teeth as he listened to the pony’s declaration. The other court members were so one dimensional! It was a relief to him that most of them would be dead within the next hour or so. He looked down at the amulet he had on his chest, it depicted an alicorn with a large red sapphire in the center. He fervently hoped that the three spirits that had bestowed it upon him had been honest in their claim that it would make his magic stronger even than the Princess’s. It was at this moment that he saw an opening in the discussion and proceeded to make his move, the last piece moving into place.

• • •

The Princess looked upon the group before her with pleasure, the ideas being set forth were creative and original, and boded well for the annual Faire. She was startled by a new voice in the room, a count in the back of the room stood and addressed the crowd, “Before I give my opinion on the Faire I just want to say that you all are a bunch of sniveling fools!”

This declaration was met by many gasps of outrage and disapproval. The unicorn laughed wickedly and pointed his horn at the roof of the great building and called forth a thick shadow from his horn as twenty ponies clad in black descended from the ceiling from ropes like large spiders. Ponies began screaming and clamoring for the exits. The guards were quickly overwhelmed by the descending attackers who as soon as the guards were dealt with moved on to cause chaos throughout the panicked crowd. Sombra laughed at the mass of panicking nobles before him, and directed the thick black fog into the milling ponies. Almost immediately, ponies began screaming as they were picked up by the writhing fog and ripped apart to sprinkle their bodily contents out onto the crowd.

The Princess began weaving a counter spell to defend her subjects and unleashed it upon the devious count trying to overthrow her. He reacted quickly, too quickly; her counter spell was shot out of the air and detonated against the ceiling smashing the crystal and sprinkling the floor with sparkling shards. They faced off, each oblivious of the battle around them.

"Surrender! This coupe is futile! You will not win!", the Princess called out valiantly.

Sombra's only reply was to laugh and shoot a beam of magic straight torwards the chest of his opponent. The Princess barely had time to react, casting a shield before her that absorbed the beam creating a vacuum around the point of impact. The Princess cast her own beam of magic followed quickly by Sombra's retaliation, initiating a direct fight of magical strength and endurance as the two beams fought against each other, the point of contact a blinding blaze of liquified magic sparking from stress that the two formidable magic weilders were able to put into their spells.

As the tense seconds stretched past, the point of contact drew ever closer to the Princess, she looked at it with astonishment, it was impossible for a unicorn to have enough magical skill to best an alicorn. It was then that twelve more palace guards rushed in and added their beams to hers and began nosing her to the exit and out of harms way. She took one final look at the court and with sadness uttered a goodbye to her faithful nobles.

"Do not fear, we will not be vanquished by such a disgrace of a unicorn!", she said before turning tail and fleeing behind her guards as they battled desperately in hoof to hoof combat with the assassins.

• • •

Sombra rested himself upon the throne before him, content with what he had achieved. His assassins had long since chased of the remaining nobles and faded back into the vaporous shadow from which they had come. The hall was strewn with the corpses of dead nobles and several palace guards, the arched ceiling above had a large crater from the magic that had impacted on it, and general crystalline rubble was scattered everywhere.

Finding himself alone in the room he pointed his horn at the air in front of him and created a black rift through which three voiced soon issued.

"We take it that the plan has gone well?", the voices whispered, their dark tones echoing down the deserted hall.

"Yes, the amulet proved enough to boost my magic to a point even greater than the Princess's.", he replied.

"So is she dead?"

"No, her remaining guards managed to facilitate her escape from the castle."

"What!", the voices hissed. The rift began rippling and shifted to a dark shade of red, " She must be eliminated! This was part of our deal!"

Sombra sat back, "Do not worry, her time will come. After all the mass enslavement of the empire will be beginning momentarily."

"Deliver the death of the Princess and we will continue to support your little coupe, for now that will be all.", the voices uttered before the rift shut and the whispers ceased.

Sombra sat content in the throne for a few moments then rose and took the long walk up to the rooftop observatory overlooking the empire far above in the upper reaches of the castle. His trip took him past the splendors of the castle, their crystal splendor meaningless to him, for now his greatest triumph would soon become a reality.

At the top of the castle, he looked upon the nighttime visage of the empire. Lights glistened from windows and ponies milled in the streets, most unaware of the recent events in the hall far below. Sombra sat and waited for his spells that had been layer out long before to take action. One by one, the stars twinkling far above began going out, each obscured by the shadow that was quickly surrounding and enveloping the empire. His gaze alighted upon the bottom of the castle where dark shadows were coalescing in hundreds of black assassins, each rushing out into the empire eliminating every guard in their way and subduing the citizens of the Crystal Empire, and as the last light of the moon became obscured by the shadows, the new king of the empire laughed. His form illuminated by the fires below and the lightning and writhing lights inside the shadow above him.

Author's Note:

Well, that happened. Anyway hoped you like it, as always comment down below your opinion.

Comments

[TwiwnB]

Anyway hoped you like it

I'm sorry, but I didn't. Not that I despised it, far from it, but several elements bothered it to much for me to enjoy.

Well, you may call us Veni, Vedi, and Veci.

Isn't it "veni vidi vici"? Doesn't really matter. It does matter to me, however, that I still don't understand that beginning.

He fervently hoped that the three spirits that had bestowed it upon

Okay, so they are the spirits that created the alicorn amulet. Why not. Still doesn't explain anything. (I mean, it makes it more complicated than having Sombra being the creator of the amulet, without adding much there).

" She must be eliminated! This was part of our deal!"

Okay... so they want the princess to die. Why? It's never explained. I do admit she creates a problem into the nature of the alicorns, but that's hardly a reason to want to murder her. Joke aside, you never explain the motives of those three spirits, you never explain who those spirits are and the relation to the "coup d'état (yay for french)" is kind of weak. To be honest, I don't really see it (ironic when vidi means "I saw" (pretty much)).

his attention focused on his plan, three years of hard scheming soon to come to a head in the next few minutes.

Three years of scheming. That sounded good.
But a little less so when I discovered that in three years, the best plan he could come up with was to make a front attack in plain day before everypony, relying only on the power of the amulet. That sounds more like a plan made within a week.
By the way:

His sudden rise from viscount to take the place of his now deceased superior came as a surprise to the court,

How was it important for him to become count? Those are ponies. I'm pretty sure even a peasant could obtain to see the princess. I guess you could give me a proper explanation, but I would have rather would like to find it directly into the story.

She was startled by a new voice in the room, a count in the back of the room

How come she doesn't know who he is? Didn't... wait...

the sudden death of a count a shock in an otherwise bloodless empire.

You could say that the princess couldn't know of the wherabouts of a mere count. But as a reader, I have only the information you give me to judge what the characters know or do not know. And here, I had to assume the princess would be as proccupied as everypony else about the death of the count and know of the one who took his place... So it's strange that she wouldn't recognize him later.

***

Still, as I said, I didn't despise the story. Mostly:

The Princess cast her own beam of magic followed quickly by Sombra's retaliation, initiating a direct fight of magical strength and endurance as the two beams fought against each other, the point of contact a blinding blaze of liquified magic sparking from stress that the two formidable magic weilders were able to put into their spells.

I'm not very good with english, but this felt like a good description of a magical fight.

***

To sum up my opinion, a very ambitious story that should go way deeper into:
- those three spirits
- Sombra's plans
- maybe Sombra's personnality (he looks like a foal to me, but that's a matter of taste and therefore I cannot say it's a bad thing).

[kiheerSEDMAN]

3487879

I understand your discomfort, and I agree: this story is deep in plot hole country. However consider this:

This is a one-shot.
It is under the random tab.
Imagine it as the grand finale to a good story.

In other words this was me trying out an idea. I plan to use the deeper aspects like the spirits and all that in a full multi-chapter story. The thing is, people don't tend to read as many big projects like that and I'm trying to get noticed at the moment.

So take it at face value, a short story about Sombra's plan come full circle.

[TwiwnB]

3488203

Imagine it as the grand finale to a good story.

Well, then my only real complain is:

“Before I give my opinion on the Faire I just want to say that you all are a bunch of sniveling fools!”

Not that it's bad. As said, it's a matter of taste, but I can't personnally picture Sombra as a brager. Mostly because he never said anything during the episodes and even more importantly, because silence is the language of evil.

"Do not fear, we will not be vanquished by such a disgrace of a unicorn!"

Well, having Cadance not being destressed or very badly hurt, or overwhelmed by the sadness of her fallen empire makes it so much less epic.
Or maybe she could be still strong, willing to fight, full of hope, in order to break the cliché, but you need something to tell that her words and her hope are totally worthless, just empty threats. I don't really know how. I do know however that just having her turning tail isn't enough, because it allows the possibility for a next chapter.
It doesn't give me the impression she is really defeated (and that therefore Sombra has really won).

the new king of the empire laughed. His form illuminated by the fires below and the lightning and writhing lights inside the shadow above him.

Some foreshadowing of that would have been great. Maybe by having the nobles and Cadance be the once laughing at the beginning (because... I don't know) and having Sombra being incredibly serious all the way long, emotionless, to contrast with the laughter explosion.

a short story about Sombra's plan come full circle.

in that regard, it's not bad. But I really can't get past all the missing elements. Sorry.

[kiheerSEDMAN]

3488277

Didn't you notice he was wearing a certain amulet around his neck? Don't you remember what it does to the wearer's personality?

As for Cadence's convenient escape, I never mentioned Luna and Celestia's intervention or the disappearance of the kingdom, also the kingdom reappears with Cadence, so I can expect you to put two and two together right?

[TwiwnB]

3488351

so I can expect you to put two and two together right?

Of course you can.

[kiheerSEDMAN]

3488423

Any other problems or concerns that I as a gooooooood friend can help you with?

[sweeT2010Tooth]

I have to agree with TwinB in reading the story. There are too many plot holes, but I suppose that does constitute the random tag. The other things for me are run on sentences (with improper comma use) and the need for five separated sections when only two could had been used. The one thing I like is the descriptive wording when actions were taken. Be that as it may, I feel iffy about the rest of it. Can't wait to see what else you got!

Cheers!

[kiheerSEDMAN]

3509004

It is true that I wrote this half asleep, and as such it isn't the best piece I've done. The most annoying part was fitting Cadence's name in (since I assume Cadence is from her rebirth) and as such involved large comma use.